I hope some of you have experiences you will share. My W has just been told by OM that they cannot have further contact. That's a good thing, but she is taking it hard. Her only friend she confides in is in the midst of her own affair and marriage breakup. My W's OM was a high school sweetheart and this thing got deeper emotionally than I ever imagined.

Would it help to mention to her mother, who is very close to me as well, that my W is hurting now and she should go to her. Does the support group thing help a W spouse at all? My W does not know yet that I know the no contact message was conveyed. Does this make any sense?

Have you exposed to her mother? That is the first step. If you have, then you can tell her what is happening. But if you haven't, you are "protecting your WW from the consequences of her actions." WHich is a no-no according to MB principles. I think.

I am sure more experienced MBers will be along. Just my thought.

Maduro - good question and you did good asking here before making a good situation potentially worse.

Does her mother know of the affair?

If not, I strongly suggest you NOT do any further affair exposure and take the OM initiated NC on face value.

How often is your W and her Mom in contact? If they're close, her Mom may detect her mood during routine contact and you won't have to alert her (Mom). If they don't have frequent contact and it would be normal for you to discuss things of this intimate nature with your MIL, I see no harm in mentioning this to your MIL assuming you can do it in a loving way. This is what family is for. If she doesn't know about the affair, don't tell her now, just confide that her daughter seems to be going through a tough time and because of your concern for her that you wanted her to know.

All that said, you and I are guys and this probably deserves comment by some of the ladies around here - since we aren't so good at mind reading. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As for knowing what you know about OM's breakoff - keep this in your hip pocket and do not let on to her that you know. Take the opportunity to be really supportive and do a pristine Plan A. Expect withdrawal depression. Be patient. Be a safe place for her to come to when she's ready. Find some of Bob Pure's posts for insight on this scenario.

WAT
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Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 08:28 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Her mother does not know about her relationship with OM, that we have been in counseling for a year, or anything. If I expose to her mother this will upset my W. Again, some of you will scold me here for not exposing more or confronting my W directly. I believe in doing so, but also believe that now is not the right time. I was merely going to tell her mother that she was hurting now, that her best friend was going to get divorced, and that was creating a lot of negativity, and that my W needed someone possibly to confide in. My W could tell her what she wants, albeit hopefully the truth.

Worthatry- I posted my previous response before seeing yours. Just FYI.

I agree with u on that. I know if I told my mother-in-law what was going on, my WW would never forgive me. And If her mother got involved, things would just get expondentially worse.
hang in there!

WAT has a good comment. What was I thinking? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Sorry, I am sort of new to this.

But, WS and OP contact might be broken for now. BUt, it doesn't always last, right WAT? So, if you do find out that they have re-established contact, be prepared to expose then. ANd one thing that everyone does say here. DON'T tell your WW that you wil expose.

Also, DON'T lie to her mother, Please! THat is not a good thing. If you need her help later, you lie now, that is not a good impression to make.

My favourite quote "don't protect your WS from the consequences of their actions/choices" is a really good thing to remember.

Good Luck.

Fighting - don't know your story, but telling your MIL of an ongoing affair is EXACTLY what you should do. "Never forgive me..." Baloney.

What do you prefer - a high likelihood that your marriage will end if you DON'T expose the affair, or high liklihood that your W's anger at exposure will be short lived?

WAT, that is what I said/meant. My MIL knows my sitch and is 100% behind me. ILs can be great allies. Did I say that wrong? " </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> don't protect your WS from the consequences of their actions/choices</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I NEVER protect my WH from his choices! He made 'em let him deal with it! Exposure to everyone that matters. His work, (in the Canadian Navy), his family, my family, his friends, etc. Done and continue to do.

fightingalone-again - oops, my comment was intended for "Fighting 4 my wife", not you.

Two "fighting" shorthands in the same thread isn't good forum etiquette!

My bad.

WAT

WAT, Sorry, Blonde moment. I was fighting 1st-( for 3 years now)! NAH NAH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sorry Maduro last thread jack from me. Just needed to clarify. Hate when misunderstandings happen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

FightingAlone and WAT- No problem. Made my day, actually. I hope this doesn't change your respective advices.

Maduro,

Exposing to family/friends is a tricky thing. It also depends on what you think you could gain out of exposing. For a long time, I did not say anything to anyone about my husband's EA with OW. People kept commenting about my sadness, weightloss etc. I made up excuses. I finally could not take it anymore and I did expose the EA to his family and select members of my family. His family was upset and immediately offered to speak with him and help us in any way they can. I felt comforted and then I waited and waited... Nothing ever happened. This has made me feel very awkward and I now hardly talk to certain members of his family anymore. Once in a while, they will call and ask me if "everything is alright", but I refuse to respond and I just stay cordial and change the subject. I got hurt because I trusted, once again.

I also exposed to a few friends who were helpful, but this can also be tricky should you decide to recover your M and stay friends with these people. Thankfully, this has not affected us so much and I'm glad that I was very selective in choosing the people that I exposed this to.

I have now made the decision to basically keep everything to myself. This is really not about other people and maybe it is just too much to ask of family/friends to get involved. It makes them feel strange and awkward. This is my battle and I will take care of it as best as I can.

I'm sorry that I cannot give much better advice, but I just wanted to share some of what I went thru regarding exposure and asking for help from friends/family.

Hope this helps! Take care of yourself.

Kati

Thank you Kati- Hearing what someone's actual experiences have been is invaluable to understanding what might happen. It would be terrible to lose any part of my current great relationship with her mother. Take care.

Now keep in mind that everyone's family is different. Your MIL may be able to help you, but it's unfortunately not a given. It is basically impossible to predict someone's reaction when confronted with this.

I have never wanted to make anyone feel uncomfortable; I wanted to save my marriage and I was grasping for straws.

I've learned throughout this entire mess that one can never really depend on others and that I'm basically alone here and in this. Nobody is going to look out for me, but myself. It's a harsh realization, but so true.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Maduro:
<strong> Thank you Kati- Hearing what someone's actual experiences have been is invaluable to understanding what might happen. It would be terrible to lose any part of my current great relationship with her mother. Take care. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Kati-

I too want to save my marriage more than anything else. And, sometimes I am reaching for straws. We have a MC and our pastor has talked to me, but not my W. They have helped. Reading here, which is mostly what I do, has helped a lot. But you are right, you have to look out for yourself. Personally, I still spend too much time thinking about my W's response. What a mess.