It has been 7 months since i found out about my WW's afair. I have worked Plan A, yet I am having trouble with Plan B. No contact does not work right now. She has told me it is over with the OM and that she needs time to find herself. Yet she calls me all the time, 7 or 8 times a day. The pain is hard to take. When I first gave my WS my no contact letter, it was if I had shot her. She was very hurt and upset, she basicly laid enough guilt on me that she needs me I that I dont know what to do. I miss my kids so much that I am afraid if I am hard fast with her it will end up hurting my kids. I went out the other night, when i got back to my car she had called my cell phone 59 times. She wont let me go, yet she wont let the OM go either. What do you do at this point.

Well she just called me and told me of her xmass party plans. Three party's in three days? Is she just trying to be hurtfull and if she is, what do you do?

Plan B is working for you. She is realizing how much she needs you. Keep it up. You can still be seeing your children.

If you have contact with her, you are enabling the afair to last longer.

Thank you for your input. So I should take a stronger stance with her? Let her know that we should be apart with no contact? Why does she call me all the time. Is her OM not giving her what she wants. She tells me all the time I am a great parson, very warm and wonderfull and she loves so very much. She wont come to the party and work on this. She said she has not taken anytime to understand her feelings about the A and the OM. She needs to find herself. Am i just giving into her wants right now when I do talk to her. Is she getting the best of both worlds or has her OM just pushed her to the side and that is why she calls me. I am so confused.

You are losing credibility in your WW eyes by breaking Plan B's NC and allowing her to have her cake and eat it to. Her foggy claims of 'finding herself' are nothing more than a veil attempt of asking you to allow her to have you and the OM. Plan B takes away the cake eating and that is why she has tried to have you break it, and has been very successfull I might add. As far as your kids are concerned, the fact that you are in Plan B does not mean that you cannot see your kids or talk to her ONLY about issues relating to them but that's it as far as contact with her.

I know it hurts like he** but Plan B is probably the only thing that can save your marriage and your family, but that can't happen unless you stick with it.

TMCM

Good point, the way she is talking to me seems to be an attempt to hurt me. She is telling me about her party today telling me she iws waiting for a ride, she does not know who is picking her up, she is being very sly about what she is telling me yet she wants me to know. Is this her way of sayng her OM is involved?

How should I go about making my WS stop calling me? She called just to let me know that I have done things just as bad as her A during our time together. She has told me I was controlling and hurtfull. That I never let her have an independant life!! She is telling me I have done as much to hurt her as she has to me. I dont understand what my WS is trying to do to me at this time. I am not saying I was the perfect H although I did try my best. Her A started after she went back to work. She found independance and now she is running with it. Is she that deep in the fog or am I just plain stupid for not seeing how much pain I caused her in our M. Do i deserve what is going on right now? Is she right in the fact she has not had a chance to take her feelings into consideration about the A and the OM? Why does it take seven months to find out who you are and if this relationship is right. She is now out of work, she needs my financial support to keep up the house and pay the bills. I am now in my mothers basement with nothing just to support her and the kids. It would seem she has it all and yet she tells me this is as hard on her as it is on me. I am unable to carry on with life as everything I have must go to support my WS right now. What next, do I pay the bills for her OM?

Who cares? As long as you allow her to talk to you, you are giving her the green light that her fence sitting is perfectly ok with you. Stand firm, and follow through with your Plan B until she agrees to end all contact with the OM, write the OM a NC letter and that you will mail, and agree to a marital recovery plan that follows the MB guidelines. But if you want an open marriage where she is going to be free to have lovers left and right, then continue the way your going.

TMCM

Thanks for the advice, it is hard to do as I miss my WS so very much. I crave her contact and want he back so very much. I often think it may be easeir to give in to her and work on this her way. I guess I would just be giving her what she and her OM want. Maybe I am just scared of loss, the loss of her and my kids.

Alank,

You are NOT going to lose your kids unless you make a conscious decision to do so. Your kids need you to be strong and do your part in trying to save and rebuild the marriage. If the marriage ends, the one who will have to answer to them about why it ended won't be you, but your WW. If you feel weak, then get the strength from the love you have for your children to do what you know must be done.

TMCM

Dumb question...
How many people save the M?
Am I working for nothing?
The pain does not seem worth the end result at times.
What are the stats on fixing what went wrong. She blames me in her own way for all the problems we have had. I think she belives I drove her to an A and her OM.

Wow, I guess people do have a happy ending after all. Is this a common thing or do most of us just dwell in our hurt?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I am very new to this forum and I wonder if should be somewhere else. My WW started her EA 10 months ago, her PA started 2 months after that. D-day for me was 5 months ago. I have tried to read all I can yet I have done nothing right at this point. I have yelled and had large outbursts, the anger has been overwhelming at times <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> My WW's OM works with her in Real Estate, the hours are bad and she was never home. After D-Day she told me many times she would stop all contact in her office. She lied about that many times, and I got very upset, had many emotional breakdowns and took all of it out on her. I understand that was not the way I should have gone about it. We tried sleeping in different rooms in the house as she needed her space. That did not work as I caught her on the phone with her OM making plans to go to his house. She lied and said she was going to watch a movie with a friend. I found it odd that she left the DVD at our house. I did my best to work Plan A, althought I did have my bad times when I found it very hard to control my anger and pain. I did have some very loud outbursts for which I am sorry. At this point we are on plan B or my own version of it. She is still in the same office although she is not active in Real Estate. She is telling me she has no contact with him, yet she does, as she has told me she is mad as he is tossing her to the side and being very rude at times.
I am out of the house and lost in love with my WW. Am I doing the right things here? Should I move to another forum and chat with people like me who have just started the process of finding out. I need help and I dont know where to go. I have got some great advice but I thought I better share the whole story.
Thanks
alank
BS 37
WW 29