Have just found out that a married guy I was involved with has been involved with a married woman for the past 6 months with a long friendship before that. My dilemma is do I leave it alone and let it die a death, or tell her I know, or tell her husband?

Why would you want to tell her or her husband.. You are involved with a married man what about his wife knowing about you? Dont' you think his wife has a right to know? Did you know he was married??

a married guy I was involved with

???You were having an affair with a married man??? Is this what you are saying?

Yep, was involved on an irregular basis with a MM to my eternal shame. Was fed a load of crap & have been through a lot of hurt and anger etc. Am moving away so as I have no contact with him, but am unsure what to do about this OW he is now involved with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jolu:
<strong> Why would you want to tell her or her husband.. You are involved with a married man what about his wife knowing about you? Dont' you think his wife has a right to know? Did you know he was married?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Guess I thought it better to tell OW or her husband because they have no children. The guy I was involved with has children & believe his wife really would not cope with this situation. I knew he was married. I guess I'm not sure if she needs to know about me because it was never anything like this new connection he is having is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kiwi71:
<strong> Yep, was involved on an irregular basis with a MM to my eternal shame. Was fed a load of crap & have been through a lot of hurt and anger etc. Am moving away so as I have no contact with him, but am unsure what to do about this OW he is now involved with. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I *feel* that the hurt, anger, etc is what would be leading you to tell her...with a little dose of bitterness and malice.

OR...are you telling us that you are now taking the moral high road?

committed

I *feel* that the hurt, anger, etc is what would be leading you to tell her...with a little dose of bitterness and malice.

OR...are you telling us that you are now taking the moral high road?

committed [/QB][/QUOTE]

To some degree you're right as I wonder myself if it is an element of revenge in this exposure. I felt though if I let on to others that I knew that it might end. I don't think I could ever take the moral high road.

Please explain the good that will come from your desire to expose your XMM's current affair to his affair partner's spouse.

What will YOU get out of it that will make YOU a better, happier, stronger, and more morally upstanding woman?

Pep

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 02:08 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

How do you know his wife won't cope well if she found out.. Did you believe everything he said about his wife.. I'm not saying she would cope well (nobody does when finding out) but we do have the right to know but my point being i'm sure she is not half the rotten wife he portrayed her to be... we usually never are.. they give you their sob story so you feel sorry for them and to justify their behaivor they make US look like the bad person.. I hope you realized the mistake you've made and how many lives can be destroyed over this.. i'm not trying to attack you, i just hope you will never look at a married man again... Just remember, someday you will be married!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> Please explain the good that will come from your desire to expose your XMM's current affair to his affair partner's spouse.

What will YOU get out of it that will make YOU a better, happier, stronger, and more morally upstanding woman?

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My feeling was that if I told the affair partner's spouse that he would do all he could to get his marriage back in shape. But maybe that's being naive. I won't get anything out of it in relation to your second question. The only way I'm going to be better, happier, and stronger is to move away which I am in the process of doing. It's been the most awful experience of my life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jolu:
<strong> How do you know his wife won't cope well if she found out.. Did you believe everything he said about his wife.. I'm not saying she would cope well (nobody does when finding out) but we do have the right to know but my point being i'm sure she is not half the rotten wife he portrayed her to be... we usually never are.. they give you their sob story so you feel sorry for them and to justify their behaivor they make US look like the bad person.. I hope you realized the mistake you've made and how many lives can be destroyed over this.. i'm not trying to attack you, i just hope you will never look at a married man again... Just remember, someday you will be married! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Jolu. He never portrayed his wife as rotten or ever discussed her in negative terms. In fact, she was rarely spoken about at all. I do realise now that I was victim to the 'sob' story, but it was along the lines of the marriage being affected by son's suicide some years back. This man is also totally self-centred and selfish, and I know that I'm far better off without him. I just hate myself for being so stupid for so long.

So it sounds like you may be looking at this as both? Revenge AND doing the right thing?

But is it doing the right thing by telling? I think that if his wife and the husband of the woman he's having the affair with can't see the signs then is it really any of my business? I only know because I saw his mobile phone bill (calling the woman every day and often after 11pm), his efforts to lose weight, get a new wardrobe etc.

I recommend you first send a separate copy of a no contact letter to OM to his wife with a note exposing his affair with you, that it is over for good, that you are deeply regretful of it, and that you never intend to have any contact with him again.

About a week later, send the original NC letter to OM. (The reson for the backwards sequence and delay is to ensure she gets the letter first so he doesn't have a chance to intercept it.)

If you'll do this, any contact with his new affair partner or her husband will be from a better position.

I tend to agree. My experiences and the pain I have suffered have created a desire in me for all A's to be fully exposed. The dirty creatures can't survive in the light of day.

I think of all the friends I have who tell me now 'Well, we wondered if we should have said something to you because we saw what was going on'. The answer is YES YES YES.

I think sending the NC letters in the sequence advised is a good strategy...