Just curious...If you were in Plan B, separated, and thinking or filing for divorce, what did any of you WS's (or BS partners) do to reverse the situation so the marriage was in recovery rather than shambles???? Obvious, you think of the typical romantic approach...flowers, a sappy card, a nice phone call, etc. BUT I don't think that is reality when infidelity is involved...seems like there needs to be a helluva lot more for trust to be regained and life to return to euphoric happiness. On the flipside, how did you BS's react when the approach by WS was finally made? What made you realize the marriage could work afterall?

Thanks,

-K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 31 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years, together 5
His Affair: Fall 03 and continues
D-Day: May 22, 2004; he immediately left me
Plan A thru Oct, Plan B thru Nov, Plan D-divorce-seemingly beginning...trying to move on with my life but still thinking of WH.

This is a hard question with many ways and answers.

The basic one is trust. The WS had to do what the BS needed to restore the BS trust in the WS.

Could be new job, move, spending quality time, show commitment, ask for forgiveness, show repentance, acknowldge the BS' triggers, work with the BS on closure, show positive personality changes, apologize in word and deed to BS, family and others, etc.

Another important piece in our case was the showing of family values. It is a privilege to live with a loving family. Responsibility goes hand in hand with love. One does not exist without the other for adults. For children, this is part of life's learning curve.

Each time recovery was blown, the requirements for the Xws to return went up. The stakes went higher. Not lower, higher. If it kept happening, one day it w/b impossible for the Xws to return.

Xws had to show he/she was turning back into an attractive spouse, not just a spouse. The BS does not deserve less, they and the family deserve more.

The Xws lends support to the BS and family and the family does the same in return. It can easily be lost also. It then becomes precious. Something of value. Family values. Strongly entrenched to stand guard against other predators who attempt to wreck the family arrangement. The foundations are thus strenghtened and the family bond is united.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid, excellent posting. Everytthing I have been thinking for the past few days.

My STBX has made some half-baked overtures to maybe/maybe not reconciliation. Talk about cake-eating Babble. She calls up sometimes to talk nice-nice, then the next day, or the next hour she is attacking me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> If I still cared like before it might really bother me instead of just annoy the heck out of me.

Today she called a few times and I didn't answer the phone. I called her back later and she told me that she wanted to talk to me when she called...and I better answer the phone. I told we could talk ... lets make a time. She said that she wanted to talk when SHE wanted to talk, when it was convient for HER, not for me. She actually said that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And to boot she was talking to OM the same day, of course they are "just friends."

Anyway KJB, I really don't know what could make my STBX attractive to me again. Everytime I see her with her new haircut, (the one she got for OM) it just turns my stomach.

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 05:22 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Tom,

Good to hear from you and glad you are past the getting sucked into the fog babble stage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Even the beauty of the M dies when the lights are finally turned on eh? Yea, even for me M is not as attractive as it once was. No glow....the honeymoon is definitely over but in my case, the xws is now an H in recovery so I am giving it another chance. We each make our choices. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

K, would like to hear your input, you probably are waiting for more responses. You asked valid questions. I look forward to reading them also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

Orchid-Thanks for the response. WH's e-mail to me the other day as well as him asking about me to his mom suggests that he is at least thinking of me. But that is NOT enough as TJ's wives phone calls were not enough for him. WH needs to show me that he WANTS a life with me again. How, if, and when he does it...I don't know. And I am not sure how I'll respond depending on where I am at in self recovery.

It is funny because in WH's e-mail to me, he mentioned that he was starting to run again. That is where we first met...on a run. I know he probably misses having me as a running partner and likewise from my end. If he starts refocusing again, getting back into activities, surrounded himself around people that provided so much positive and good in his life in the past, the "fog" as you call it may start lifting and our marriage potentially could be rebuilt if he chooses this path with me. And if he does choose this path, I would definitely need WH to prove that I can trust him again...would probably ask that we renew our vows and go away together to spend some time alone, communicate our inner most thoughts, and discuss our future together.

-K

K,

I think you are planning too far into the future as to the how and whys of recovery.

He e-mailed and asked a question. That's a start but as you say not enough. You realize you need more that a few drops of attention.

Given that need (which is valid), deterimine where you boundaries are. You will find they are higher than what you have been accepting and will need to align your needs and actions accordinly.

Another MBer and her H were runners. They both used to do marathons. When he started with the OW who was not a runner, the BS kept to her schedules. While they eventually D'd, she managed to keep up her focus and he ended up going to the dogs. She was able to get a new and nice home, he lived in a small old place and forced to lower his lifestyle. The price of the A. Not sure how attractive the OW finds him now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

L.

interesting question....

Although I didn't have to implement a plan a or b, my H did so many things to make me feel loved again.


-first, showed true remorse. I've never seen him cry, and he did so much for the first 3 months after dday.

-second, apologized to my parents (a tough thing for anyone to do)

-got me into emergency counselling and arranged for MC, too. (this from a man not able to express his feelings, let alone to a perfect stranger.

-found a new job immediately, sent a NC letter with my approval, gave over every email address, password, cell phone that he had for me to check whenever I wanted (still lets me do this now, years later).

-held me when I cried, when I got angry, he took everything I gave him (was not pleasant) with no judgement, just was worried about me.

-the romatic stuff was there, too. Favorite wine, flowers, cookies- drew me bubble baths with bath stuff he had bought for me, calls with "I love you's", sappy cards (he never gave me those before), dinners out, public displays of affection (an EN of mine), back rubs.

-was very protective of me when we first started going out with our friends again (maybe 4 months after dday).

-took care of all the chores around the house- the first 3 months I could barely do anything.

-answered all of my questions, over and over, with no "we've went through this before".

- made sure I ate (which was very hard) and worried about my mental and physical health- took me to appointments.

I'm sure there was more, especially within the 1st three months- I really dont remember that time all too well. He still does many of the romantic stuff to this day. We tell each other how we feel, we spend time together, and tell each other when we need to spend more time (sometimes life happens and you get a bit busy). We try never to take each other for granted anymore.

albw

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kjb23:
<strong> I would definitely need WH to prove that I can trust him again...would probably ask that we renew our vows and go away together to spend some time alone, communicate our inner most thoughts, and discuss our future together.

-K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> KJB23:

God, I know this is sooo hard for you. I don't have the heart to post something not "supportive" of your chances with him here. I know you aren't ready to "let go" yet. That is ok. Hang your head high either way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

Orchid...I will NEVER compromise who I am for anyone. Running/athletics will always be a part of my life, although it is not what defines me as a person. WH and I bonded partially because we had this activity in common...but there was obviously a connection much deeper than running and he knows that too. From talking with WH's friends about his past, I know WH has a tendency to deal with stress in an unhealthy fashion and that he has chosen to take very bumpy roads in his lifetime. He has conquered these roads in the past but I'm afraid if he continues down these bumpy roads, he is bound to crash at some point in time. I am not sure which way he will decide to go at this crossroad in his life. If he comes home, I am going to make damn sure he is committed to me, our marriage, our love for each other and that we will be able to continue to share and support the activities we both enjoy. He knows what road I am taking and if he so chooses to join me, I'd be happy. I will NOT join him on the road he is currently on though....I won't stand for his behavior (stealing, lying, cheating) of the past year if these are the characteristics he chooses to have define him as a person. Deep down inside, I want to believe he is better than that and that is why I didn't file.

-K

LM...hello again. Yes, you see my pattern as most do. I say I move on and then my mind is still caught up on the thought of reconcilation. It is pretty pathetic actually. I know that there are a lot of guys who desire to take me out right now yet I have resisted cuz 1) my heart is still with WH, 2) my mind and emotions are still with WH, and 3) I am not ready for intimacy although it would feel nice (there is a difference). My next relationship with a man will have to wait until I fully accept the dissolution of my marriage to WH and our divorce is finalized. If I were to jump into dating right now, while it may help me to move on faster, I am not sure it would be really fair for the guy or me especially since I am not about the "rebound" partner and would desire something long term at this point in my life.

Thanks for the wake up words...they are definitely needed. We shall see where my emotions go these next couple weeks which are full of parties, family gatherings, holiday relfection, and of course the whole New Year's midnight kiss shall be interesting...haven't kissed anyone other than WH for over 5 years.

-K

ALBW...wow, all dream responses from a WS for any BS. Your husband truly worked hard to get out of the fog and renew his vows to you. All WS's could learn something from him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kjb23:
<strong> LM...hello again. Yes, you see my pattern as most do. I say I move on and then my mind is still caught up on the thought of reconcilation. It is pretty pathetic actually. -K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO, your behavior is NOT pathetic. It is perfectly normal. For some of us it is just harder. I realize that now. I so wish I could shake you and say "wake up" !!!!!!!, but I know that this has to happen in your own time. I guess this is the controlling aspect of my personality wantign to "fix" you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Oh yes, we all have issues. I am rooting for you girl. You will make it, just don't forget that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kjb23:
<strong> ALBW...wow, all dream responses from a WS for any BS. Your husband truly worked hard to get out of the fog and renew his vows to you. All WS's could learn something from him. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was lucky (in as much as one can be lucky in this sort of thing).

I wish we never had to go through it, but I know that from what I've read here, our story is very mild in comparison to what others have gone through.