I have been trying to contact the OM's wife, but have been having problems. The OM has intercepted at least one of my messages, then the number was changed. I was fortunate enough to get the w's cell phone number today, and although she didn't answer, I left a detailed message and asked her to return my call.

I have also found the OM's father and mother's number, do you think I should involve them? I so desire to break my WW and OM's little fantasy world, but I don't know how far I should take it....

TM

Ok, you started a process. Now give it time to work itself out. You also have OM's parents #. How old are they? Are there any health problems for them where your info could do damage? Just need t/b cautious.

L.

They are young, in their fifties, but I do not know them, so no idea about health problems...

I think I will wait a little while and see what the fallout from the OM's W getting this new information. I am worried that she won't believe me, won't call me, and this will all be for naught.


TM

No guarantees. The important thing is that you planted some doubt at the very least. You'd be surprised where that can lead.

So sit back and watch for a while. This is where the patience part gets hard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Orchid, thanks for the reply. That brings up another question I have...I am in NY right now on business, and she is in Hawaii on vacation w/her mom (I was originally going with her before the **** hit the fan), so no face to face until the 20th.

Should I keep from calling her? I haven't talked w/her for a day and a half, and I really want to call her, but I am worried about pushing her away. I want her to have the chance to miss me and want me, but also don't want her to feel I don't care for her. It is very hard to Plan A from 5000 miles away.

TM

Travellin,

I don't think you want to drop this on her parents. It's not THEIR son who is having the affair.

What you might want to do, however, is call them and say that you need to get in touch with her about somethign very important. Ask them to please pass a message to her.

This could be your backup plan if, for some reason, she doesn't get the message you left on her voicemail.

Andrew -

To clarify, I have *his* parents number, not the w. I was considering calling them about their son's actions. I also know that they are devout Baptists, so I imagine all he!! will break loose.

TM

Travellin,

I read that wrong, sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

There was a good post here a while ago about the circles of exposure. Basically, you start with the OPS and other people who are very close to the OM. I think parents would be in the first circle of exposure.

I called the OW's parents. I'm glad I did. Granted, she was only 22 (she's a whoppin' 23 now!) so her age played a part in the decision to do so. S

So far, it hasn't played any part in breaking them up, but I can guarantee you she won't be walking him in for Sunday dinner with the family very easily.

She can't just introduce him as her divorced boyfriend. They know he has three kids and started the relationship while still married and deployed. They know what type of a man their daughter may bring home.

And since they found out in August and she told them he was getting a divorce....and he still isn't divorced and won't be for at least four more months, they are going to know he drug his feet making an honest woman of their daughter.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TravellinMan:
<strong> Orchid, thanks for the reply. That brings up another question I have...I am in NY right now on business, and she is in Hawaii on vacation w/her mom (I was originally going with her before the **** hit the fan), so no face to face until the 20th.

Should I keep from calling her? I haven't talked w/her for a day and a half, and I really want to call her, but I am worried about pushing her away. I want her to have the chance to miss me and want me, but also don't want her to feel I don't care for her. It is very hard to Plan A from 5000 miles away.

TM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TM,

Take a look at your recent response experiences. Something to think about eh?

Ok, now she is in Hawaii? Me 2! LOL!!! Ok, you want me t/d a walk by the beach and check stuff out? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> JK.

L.

I have some good news - or at least what appears to be good news...

I checked my wife's e-mail today, and the wife of the OM sent an email to everyone that had previously been invited to a holiday gathering - and cancelled it! This was approximately 24 hrs. after I left a message on her voicemail regarding my WW and her WH. Although it could have been cancelled for other reasons, things look promising....

I am going to Plan A my a$$ off, and maybe she will come around. This is the first thing that has given me any hope since DD.

TM

Batten down the hatches - your wife will be furious! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just an update...

The OM's wife called me today! We had a nice talk, and she believed me about the EA. She had no idea it was going on, though. She was as blindsided as I was. She said that they are going to MC, and she wanted my WW's cell number - I gave it to her....should I have said no?

It is great to have somebody in your corner that is as interested in keeping these two apart. I am really encouraged about the possibility of working on my WW and I's marriage without the fog created by the OM. Maybe without him in her life, she will be open to MC with me.

I told the OM's wife about this site, hopefully she will come check it out. Because the OM maintains that "they're just friends", I recommended the book Not Just Friends by Glass...even though I have yet to read it. I hope she pursues some of these options to help her rebuild her marriage.

I am even considering sending her some of the books I have already read, but I am afraid of being too pushy. Maybe down the road a bit....

Even though it was only a 15 min. conversation, it has given me a good deal of hope for the future. Thank you to all of the MBers who encouraged me to expose the A.


TM

I'm glad the OM's wife seems to be getting through to him.

Word of caution though, WS's have a way of going ballistic after exposure. My WH called me every name in the book and swore I had ruined any chance for recovery.

Just be prepared in case it happens and know that it is like a child having a really bad tantrum and blaming everyone else for their being in trouble. It will pass.

Great job!

After 2 years of going through all of this, OW's husband and I are great friends. It is so nice to have an ally. We compare notes, and encourage each other.

Chances are OM will end everything with your wife. He has too much to lose.

Take good care of yourself, cuz it ain't gonna be pretty when your wife gets wind of this. Stay calm and don't LB. When you are going crazy, come here and vent. Most of us have been through the hurricane.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TravellinMan:
she wanted my WW's cell number - I gave it to her....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">~LOL~

Me being me ... I would have said ..."Ask you husband for WW's cell number, I know for a fact he has it, he's called her plenty of times."

YOU did just fine.

Do not for one single second think your WW's attitude is going to be "cured" by this exposure... the purpose of exposure is to shine a light of REALITY upon the fantasy affair.... and the light creates a crisis between the affair-partners. "OOPS ... now we have some 'splainin' to do"....

GOOD FOR YOU.... be ready for some verbal assaults from your WW... just reverse babble back at her.... and Plan A full speed.

Pep

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 08:20 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Be prepared, odds are you are in for a hellacious experience when she finds out. My fww went ballistic when I exposed to OMW...I mean glass breakage, every name in the book and some that aren't...told me she hated me (and that's the mild stuff).

But it worked, and three weeks post NC, our marriage is already the best it's been in years, with nothing but improvement on the horizon...

Wow - my first thread to go to 2 pages! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I am just waiting for the phonne to ring. I know I will hear "You've done it now", "If you had any chance before, now it's really over", and maybe even "I hate you!".

Another thing that has me a little worried is my WW was planning to go to Latin America for a surgery week as a part of her residency. The trip is optional, but is a huge privilege to go. In fact, you have to be asked to go. After talking with the OM's W, she stated to me that my WW shouldn't go on the trip. She even warned me that she was willing to contact my WW's director at her hospital regarding this A. I know my WW will blame me for causing her to miss out on one of the most incredible experiences in her life. I am going to have to be very nice and avoid LB's during this upcoming discussion. I know it will be very ugly.

If she would have gotten involved with anyone other than a resident working with this group, she would have still have been able to go on this trip. So I shouldn't take any blame for messing her opportunities up, right? I sometimes think maybe I should have waited until after the trip to expose it to the OM's W.
Well I guess what's done is done....


TM

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 08:28 PM: Message edited by: TravellinMan ]</small>

The consequences of her bad choices are something she will have to deal with. If my fww had chosen not to respond to the advances of the OM, she would still be at a job that she loved.

I hate that it happened that way, but as much as I love her and regret all this happening...I have to say...tough luck...

You should feel the same way...

I think you handled yourself quite well. I can't say I would have done the same thing, I tend to be a little more emotional....I go for the big reactions. My husband has no OW, in a way I almost wish he did....then I'd have someone to fight....I'd know what to do, this way I'm basically fighting myself.

I have a friend who is going through marital problems....actually his Mom and my Mom are friends, and my Mom mentioned to him that my husband and I were having problems and had separated, we've stayed in contact here and there, I don't call him, because although his wife is the one who is going out everynight, and not coming home until 6:30 in the morning when he has to leave for work, she apparently check's his cell phone, so at his request, I just let him call me when he needs to talk. This poor guy has it worse than me, he's actually caught the OM in his house, in his bed TWICE, and he didn't even lay a finger on him. I asked him "How did you control yourself....if I were you I'd have beaten that man 1/2 to death" He said "Caren.....I wanted teeth, if I would have hit him, I would have wanted teeth....I would have really hurt him, and I didn't want to go to jail, or lose my job...so I walked away" I said "Well, you're a better person than I am.....because I wouldn't have been able to fight the "wanting teeth" urge and wouldn't have thought about the consequences."

Anyway...sorry I got offtrack, I agree you should batten down the hatches she's gonna flip out when she finds out you've spoken to the OM's wife, but I think it's good......relationships have trouble in the best of situations.....this is certainly not a good situation for either of them, and as educated people, I'm sure they'll realize the affair isn't worth the problems.

-Caren