My W filed for divorce early this year, shortly after beginning an affair, which has since ended. With the end of the affair, I had hoped for talk of reconciliation, but the divorce freight train has continued to roll without signs of slowing. I could be divorced in 2-3 weeks at this point. Several of my friends continue to pray earnestly for a miracle. Several others are encouraging me to get on with my life, and are praying accordingly. It feels utterly foolish to keep hoping we would get back together, but it is still what I want, long, and hope for. Any thoughts as hope dies?

Doc,<BR>I have nothing to offer you as I am in the same boat now as I just found out last nite my w's affair has apparently ended(see my post Affair over now what ?) I'm just not sure I want her back now !<BR>Her counselor, a minister, just emailed me and suggested I at least offer her an olive branch to help her get her life in perspective. <BR>When she called last nite she was trying to talk me into reducing the child support but also threatened to go for the full divorce and fight me for everything.<BR>So, I'm not really sure where to go. She will probably flip flop on om and will still see him at work so that bothers me. I just don't trust her and am nont sure how to proceed.<BR>I hope things can work out for you, I don't think they will for my marriage.

Doc,<P>I'm not sure what to tell you other than you are not alone. My W thinks i'm a controller, had an affair, had the affair end, and has since rejected my attempts at reconciliation. This weekend she confirmed she wants a separation and will likely follow by filing for divorce. <P>This is a lousy place to be. It sucks worse than anything i've ever experienced, but it is NOT hopeless. Hopefully this comes out sounding the way i want it to, but i take some of my hope from reading the posts of many of the ladies here on MB. So many of them seem to have the same values i find attractive. This is encouraging to me even as i watch my own marriage die. It reinforces my belief that my W's behavior is antisocial and i'm OK. (Not perfect, just OK)<P>Man how i know it's easier said than done (i who spent too much time this weekend in tears) but there will be a tomorrow and this darkness will pass into a new light. As i see it i have a choice: either become a better person for having lived through this, or become worse. For me it's a no brainer. Hey, my W is screwing up and maybe some day she'll recognize this and maybe she won't, but for now it's her loss. <P>Hold your head up. I'm sure you have a lot to offer to those around you. <P>Go buy the book When The Vow Breaks. You'll find it in Christian bookstores. It's not preachy if you're worried about that. It's written by a lawyer whose W left him. Some really good stuff to help you accept and cope.<P>

nlitend<P>That is a good book. I have read most of it. It is a helpless feeling, isn't it? I am more than willing to take her back, to forgive the infidelity, to work through the hard stuff that would be needed to rebuild trust, to address the issues in me that perhaps made flight to another man more appealing. Etc. etc. etc. But she is determined to "find herself," even though the affair led to some very destructive things in her life. Sigh. <P>Are you basically moving on, assuming your marriage is over, or do you still hold out hope for change in her that would lead to reconciliation and the redemption of your marriage? <P>I am moving on, but find it impossible to not keep hoping and praying for what I want, the restoration of our family (4 kids!).

I wouldn't even think about taking my ex back until the heartache is all gone. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to think level headed. She isn't coming back until after SHE works through all the **** she did, not me. I'll work through the stuff I did, I am aware there is lots of it. But lying, deceit, cheating, cruelty, and a complete disregard for commitment were not my sins. They were hers. And I am in more and more of a position all the time to say "That was enough. This sort of behavior is unacceptable to me. I will not be married to a person who is capable of this. Even more so considering you did it without remorse. The events of the last while may be acceptable in your mind, but not in mine. Goodbye."

nonplused<P>How did your W respond to such firm words? DId it lead to any softness at all, or did she blow it off?

Doc,<P>My prayer used to be for the restoration of my marriage, but i have recently changed to praying for God's will to be done. It's just part of my effort at turning the whole thing over to him. I believe he is at work in my W's life, but she is rejecting him. In my heart i hope that she will miss our life at home and after a period of time will seek reconciliation w/me. My acceptance of her will depend on her willingness to work through the issues that led to our breakup. I will not be willing to just take her back without a commitment to do some hard work...together.<P>No, i have not given up. Although many say separation makes reconciliation more difficult, i still feel there is a chance she will have a change of heart after living on her own for awhile. (She hates cold weather and soon there will be no warm garage to keep her car in) The trick is to hold out hope, but be realistic at the same time. How you do that i haven't a clue. I'm working through this thing without a manual.<P>Stay strong. Let her see you at your best at all times. Find a friend or counselor to vent to when you're not at your best. Or just come here and we'll kick around the issue. I'm very much interested in the situations/progress of others whose W has decided to "find herself."

Doc, ntilend seems t be very informed and making good choices, I think I would listen to him. I believe in the power of prayer where I didn't used to. I think it was because I didn't pray for His will to be done but for things to go my way and when they didn't I automaticallly thought God wasn't listening. He was, I just had to learn that his way is different from what I wanted but meant more in the long run. Take a moment and think about this! I wish you the best of luck.......<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

It would appear that I am in the same boat.... My W and I are seperated and we both continue to make mistakes... Some larger than others. Every time I talk with my W it turns ugly and hurtful. I'm not sure I can remember a time when it wasn't. That saddens me. She wants a divorce, I don't. <P>I think I have come to the realization that she needs to do this journey on her own and if later on she decides to incude me..... Great. I will be here for her and she knows that. I, like you, continue to hang on to hope that in the future we may be a happy couple again. <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

I want to share my thoughts because there are many similarities in my situation with posters on this thread.<P>My wife too, has filed for divorce. She continues to sleep in the house in the guest bedroom. Every night she leaves to see the OM, and returns some time in the night. She sees him first thing in the morning after she goes to his office, during the day and sometimes in the evening. She does not want the kids to think she has abandoned them or the house and she will not move out until we have separation agreement.<P>I do not want the divorce either, but like everyone else I know I must get on with life for my own betterment and that of the kids. I will not give up hope while I still love her even after the divorce. If there is ever a chance of reconcilliation I know it will take a lot of work on both our parts. I have told her that whatever happens in her life, whenever, don't assume any situation is irretrievable. How I will feel if that moment comes I don't know, I only know how I feel today and the answer would be yes!

Doc, I see you have 4 children. My heart aches for them as it does for mine. (Two girls ages 9 & 3) <P>This will be the single biggest thing for me as far as forgiving my W. How she can do this to the children is beyond me. Then i recall what Kniskern says about the initiator often having worked through all the issues in their mind before informing the non-initiator. She's obviously done this and has convinced herself that w/2 loving parents actively involved in their lives the children will be OK. My response...she's right as long as you're willing to redefine the definition of "OK." It's called rationalizing. <P>I'm interested in knowing how you guys are working the issue of who moves out. In my situation, my W is getting an apartment and i'm staying in the home. How about you?

nlitend<P>I moved out months ago, in hopes of creating space for reconciliation (and before I knew of the affair). It is difficult to move back in....<P>So our divorce arrangement will keep her in the house (with the large responsibility of that morgage payment; not easy, even with a child support payment from me).<P>I do regret moving out, but it is a done deed. I did it based on what I thought was right 8 months ago. Hindsight is always so clear....<P>I really appreciated the tone and maturity of your posts. I agree, our W's can't just come back like nothing happened. I know my own shame over my failures could tend to soften me too much toward her. I've done that during the separation and just got burned. I love the verse in Micah that talks about acting justly and loving mercy, and walking humbly with your God. That's all God asks. So I can act justly (hate her infidelity, work for an equitable divorce settlement), love mercy (long for reconciliation, be prepared to forgive and be forgiven) and walk humbly with God (as you said, praying for his will in an awful situation).<P>That's okay for me, but it sure makes me mad that our kids are drawn into this, without their consent or even much information. Argh.<P>Thanks for your thoughts.

nlitend<P>I like you admission, "I have no clue (how to balance hope and realism)....I have no manual I'm working from."<P>It is oddly hopeful to read those words. It seems to be realism is the practical need. I AM getting divorced, dealing with shared parenting time, dealing with the betrayal of an affair. but hope seems to be the gut level experience. I can't seem to NOT hope for reconciliation, for movement in my W, for some evidence of the Spirit's work in her. I've been in different ministries for years and have seen God do some remarkable things - why not our marriage? Yet He does not promise that, does He? <P>What a mess of contradictions inside of me and you. Hang in there.

Wow, you gotta post about twice a day to stay current on this on. Isn't it sad that infidelity gets 10 times the posts of any other topic. It is relational carnage out there.<P>I'd love some more responses on this thread. Thanks everyone.