Just to bring this sad little story up to date...

"Documented" elsewhere in this thread is a letter (email) I sent to my WW about a month ago.

The last paragraph of that letter sums it up pretty well:


After a month of some weird game-playing on the part of my WW... she FINALLY sent a response. (She purportedly wrote her response 3 days after receiving my letter, but for whatever reason, never seemed to be able to send it...)

As I said to Spidey, this will likely be the last communication of its kind, before our M terminates... so I felt uncomfortable posting it here, I guess out of respect for my WW, and our 25-year history together...


I asked Spidey for her thoughts on the letter (FWIW, I say "letter," but it was really a half-page email message), and here they are: (Spidey...thank you)


It sounds like so many letters I received back from my H when he was foggy ~ the ones where we weren't angry with each other. In fact, one of the major learning/growing things my H had to learn in his IC and our MC is that by NOT making a decision about something ~ that in itself was MAKING a decision.

Until he accepted that and took responsibility for his own INaction, he continued to resent me for making the decisions that I made. His resentment was real, but it also got distorted to justify/rationalize his actions. Once he took ownership, his resentment slowly faded. Sounds like your WW has figured some of this stuff on her own. And also sounds like she realizes that your past is not to be resented by her, because she participated in its creation.

And it also sounds like she pities you. And that really kindof ticks me off, because WE should all pity HER. She's not exactly some great prize. In fact, when it is all over with OM, her dating resume doesn't look that hot ~ unless she just sticks with lying and omitting facts to her prospective dates. Everything else sounds BAAAAD.

"Oh, my last relationship? Well, that was with the OM, who I left my H of 20+ years of marriage for. Yeah, it didn't work out with OM ~ turns out, I didn't really "love" him, he was just a poor choice that I apparently couldn't help myself about. No, my H was very loving, offered me to come home, wanted to work it out. But my pride, or whatever, just wouldn't allow me to do that."

The men will be running to the hills! The good ones will, at least.

Sorry to "bash" on your WW. I just remember my H's pity for me seeping into my bones, and I hated that feeling. And I began to realize it was because he deserved all the pity. He was projecting his crap onto me. HE was the one who had lost the best thing that ever happened to him, HE was the one who had BETRAYED himself in the process.

And now, he tells me, one of the worst parts of his story is that he is the only one he can blame for his A, for all the hurt he put himself and his family through. He says, "At least you didn't hurt yourself. You did get hurt, but it was from something you couldn't control. All my pain was self-inflicted."

Which is true. I cannot allow myself to blame him for my pain, though. That is what I have learned through this, that to feel powerful, I must accept responsibilty for my own pain. It used to tick me off to think I should do that, but now I know it is a great relief.

ANYway, the short version is, she is still a bit fogged. Not totally foggy, which is even more sad. She obviously has had moments of clarity, and she chooses to continue on her own little path ~ without you. I'd say this email gives you more reasons why you should continue to proceed forward.

You have been right these past months ~ she's not lost in the WS fog. More like she purposefully gathers it around her when she is faced with the reality of having to make a decision. I'm sorry you are in such an awful place. it's bad enough to not want a D, but sign the papers anyway when the spouse files them. But you are faced with the task of doing all the "dirty" work, even though you don't want a D, because your WW has totally wimped out in every way possible.

###

And more comments on WW's same letter, from someone who has known WW for almost 25 years, and known me for 45 years, 4 months, and a handful of days:


The decision not to decide is based on an unwillingness to be a full partner by not risking a mistake and the ensuing "blame". To be so willing to cast eternal blame and responsibility for failure or mistakes on another (you), rather than foster the growth of understanding, compassion and forgiveness totally inhibits the growth and deepening of a relationship and instead insures a frustrating mere co-existence.

I don't believe that WW has figured out her ownership of any aspect of your past relationship. She neither comprehends nor possesses the emotional and character components that make one capable of creating and sustaining truly mature, life-enhancing human relationships.

I do believe that she has most definitely decided not to decide on the divorce--she'd lose too much and you know that she won't take the blame for her own demise as long as she can blame you! The fact that this is tormenting you is beyond her realm of comprehension and caring. YOU must make the decision. Don't continue to facilitate her sociopathic behaviors to your own compounded detriment.

###


Two perspectives... from two completely different vantage points. Both very wise.


So... where am I at this point?

Tired.

Emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually drained.

Wanting to get this over with, but dreading the "clean-up" process that I know will steal yet another Spring, Summer and Fall of my life. All the crap that will require so much energy, and continue to keep me from getting a healthy, unobstructed start on my involuntary Life #2.

Feeling OK knowing I did my best to save my M, knowing I've hung in there for almost 15 months of the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced -- every single minute, every single day, for 15 months. Do I regret doing that? Yes, in a way I do. I don't regret trying my damndest... but I regret not figuring out sooner the things I've finally come to understand in just the last few weeks or so. And of course other things that I did understand, but refused to accept them.

Accepting the fact that 22 years ago, I didn't make the best decision in selecting my life's partner.

Accepting the fact that Spidey will never, ever help me clean the garage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


As the saying goes... Onward and Upward....

All for now. Thanks for listening.

tqt, I am so sorry. I can hear the tiredness in you. *sigh* I had forgotten that feeling that I also had to accept somewhere along the way ~ that perhaps I hadn't made the best choice for my life partner. Because of all the [email]CR@P[/email] that had made up my life, I really believed all those years that I had at least made a good decision about that.

And turns out, I think I did make a good decision. But not for all the reasons I thought I had ~ does that make sense? I thought my H was "safe." After the safety went away with the A, I had to really search for the good reasons to be married to my H. Instead of "safe," my words are now: resilient, brave, stubborn (it can be good!), and even TRUE. I don't think my H will ever check out on himself again. Because that was the only way he could check out on me and the family. He truly almost lost himself, and he now understands boundaries, and human nature, and the power of emotional needs.

But ANYway, was that your mother or father? They sure do use big words! And are very eloquent. I should go back to college and take more English courses. Sheesh!

I hope you have a good weekend. Keep posting, and letting us know where you are at, and where you intend to go.

Spidey

Ya know, Spidey... though "I've been one poor correspondent, and I've been too too hard to find" -- if you only knew how many times in the last couple days I've had conversations with you... heard your advice... been picked up by your words, your enthusiasm, your encouragement... and all the rest...

But, as I just told Gray... I've felt numb, and speechless... I guess this is it:



And, trying to figure out how to move forward without dwelling on the past.



Ha! Where I intend to go... wherever that place is, I don't have quite enough frequent flier miles to get there.


Only "news" to report is that STBXW tried to call me a couple times, and I didn't answer... she left a message that someone from her company (an older man, retired for several years) died Friday night -- she knew him well for 15 years, and I knew him fairly well also, but only as WW's H -- but she was in tears, and kept saying "I thought you'd want to know" -- like she had to keep justifying her phone call. After hearing her message, I thought "well, something bad happens, and she's still calling me..." and then, I almost lost it... actually I sorta did lose it.... thinking how so incredibly sad that little scene was... the woman I love wanted and needed -- instinctively -- my support, and... I couldn't be there for her...

edited to say: I did send her an email, and told her how sorry I was to hear this news... etc...



I was going to call her last night to propose settlement details, and explain (suggest) to her how we would finalize everything. I wimped out.

I wimped out again tonight.


Spidey, another thing that I wrote in Gray's thread... I'd be remiss if I didn't copy it and put it right here:

Of course you did! It is in your nature. I have some choice words about your WW who would throw such a treasure as you to the side, but I will keep them to myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I know how you feel in the grateful department. I cannot tell you all the folks here that I have thanked profusely for their comforting words, listening ears (er, reading eyes). And just like they said to me, I will say to you ~ you have become my friend. I enjoy posting with you. You crack me up. I cannot tell you how many times you have made me laugh out loud, while I am sitting all alone here in my computer room.

That is sad, and strange, how her mind still functions with regards to you. Everyone I have spoken with about your sitch, doesn't understand why she doesn't want to file. She obviously doesn't want to come home, doesn't want to give up OM . . . but she has such fear of everything, I guess, that she is unwilling to let ANYthing go on purpose? Maybe?

I remember that place of fear very well, as I lived there for a VERY long time. I am a different person than I was before H's A. Now I am the Slayer, and before I was a scardy-cat ~ of EVERYTHING!!! I was afraid to do stuff, and also afraid to NOT do stuff. I was afraid to succeed, and afraid to fail. And I was afraid of not even trying! Good grief!!!

But I had to seek out help for myself. And I did. And support. And knowledge. And my H's A didn't make me tumble into a dark hole, like I was aFRAID it would. It actually catapulted me into being MORE. Now, when a big wall of fear rises in me, I challenge it. "After all I've been through, should this REALLY scare me???" The answer is "No."

I feel sorry for your WW, tqt. She has everything she needs, but she cannot see past the end of her nose. *sigh* So unfair to you.

Have you actually printed off the D papers? Perhaps get them all filled out, then send them over to her for her to look them over and make adjustments. Maybe write in the amounts you aren't sure of in pencil, and ask for her input on those parts. If nothing else, perhaps it will open a dialogue.

I hope you have a Wonderful Wednesday! I am getting my final fitting for my Bride's Maid dress today, and we fly out to Maryland next Friday. I am excited to have some alone-time with my H. We are going to go to every Smithsonian museum (the boys are flying home early with MIL), and go as slow as we want without some kid saying, "Are we done yet? I'm tired. I want to go home."

When we lived in Virginia, we went a couple times, but you can only take the little ones for so long. I am going to walk down the Mall, and get up close to Abe and stare at him for as long as I want, uninterupted. OH! And guess what. Going with my new "no fear" (OK, well, LESS fear), I am going to ride up the Washington Monument (IF it is open). The last couple times my family went up, I was too scared. After they got on, I realized I was scared to be the only one left behind, because if it went down, I would be all alone. See my fear??? It was out of control!

Hang in there, and keep posting. It really does help, I think. Plus, I enjoy hearing from you! Where the heck did Homer go?

Spidey

Are you sure you're not confusing me with your turtle lamp?




Yes, maybe. Question... and all answers are fair... can you understand why I was always so resistant to certain things... certain "protocols"... why lots of times I felt like I was barking up the wrong tree?

Again today I was thinking about this... she was ~18 years old when we first started "dating".... she's 42 now. I may not have been a perfect husband -- of course I wasn't -- but, I just can't understand how I could become so dispensable... I don't understand how after all that time together, all that history... I can (seemingly?) all of a sudden become nothing to her. EVEN if nothing else!!! ... we were "best friends" -- for most of our lifetimes... and that's a good thing, right? But how could she... I could not... throw us away like that, without remorse... without saying goodbye?



THAT is one helluva powerful set of words. I mean that.



Not sure how to explain this, but something made me -- just now -- want to say "thanks" for feeling sorry for my WW.
And I've been sitting here for several minutes trying to figure out how to explain it... the bad news is that I guess it all boils down to the fact that I still care very deeply for her, and I'm concerned about her, and I too feel sorry for her. All of that is an understatement, of course.
And I'm sooooo frustrated by the fact that all my caring and concern (let's forget about all that pesky "love" stuff) just go out into outer space somewhere.... never hitting the target...



I'm sorry... open a what?



In my relentless pursuit of profound and intellectually stimulating prose, I say: Cool... really cool.

I like the way you think. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />




I dunno, Spidey... first of all... is/was it a fear of heights, or claustrophobia, or fear of falling? All very normal stuff, within reason. AND, maybe it wasn't a fear of being left behind, maybe it was something to do with the instinct to protect your loved ones... that ain't such a bad thing, is it?

I think this statement, and my pity for your WW, are the same ~ it isn't about YOU at all. And the monumental fact that she HAS turned so strange and distant, is a monumental testament to her loss ~ of herself, her past, her present, her future, her beliefs, her values, HERSELF! It is sad.

This whole thing has so little to do with you, unfortunately. It took me a LONG time to realize and accept that. To accept that somehow, I had NOT been a key in my H's decision-making process. That he had asserted his "individuality," and I was suddenly not in his frame of reference anymore. I know how badly that hurts.

And in time, I think you will be able to let the personalization of this whole thing go. I am just beginning to accept that H's A had very little to do with me at all. Was I the perfect wife? Heck no! Was I a horrible wife? Heck no! I fell somewhere in between, with strengths and weaknesses. Certainly I was not "bad" enough to warrant the pain of an A! But that line of thinking is circular and hurtful. I cannot go there anymore. Nobody deserves an A ~ neither the BS nor the WS. It is a horrible horrible thing for anyone to live through.

Once you have lived through it, though, it is a tremendous opportunity for growth. You cannot change the past, but you can influence your future with your actions of the present. Somewhere in all of this, tqt, there is a gift for you. I know I couldn't see my gift through my pain for a long time. But now, my gift(s) seem so obvious to me, and my H. And I have to believe that if my H had chosen NOT to come home, that I would be able to see the gift in that, as well.

About the fear thing, you are right. There is a healthy level of fear, in our human nature, to keep us safe. Mine was not "within reason," though. I let my fear take me over, convince me to do/not-do things. I let it rule me. I was afraid to go, afraid to stay. During my manic depression as a teenager, I was afraid to live, and afraid to die. I felt trapped in a terminal layer of gray haze.

But my blue sky is out now. Each day is exciting to me now. That is my prayer for you, tqt. That your blue sky comes out soon, and you can begin to see the bright future you have. And also to remember your past, without regret, and without questioning yourself. Your life is as you remember it. Do not doubt your reality. That is the cruelest part of being a BS ~ doubting your life, yourself, your love, your value. And coming at it from this side, that is all a sham. YOU are right on, it is the WS who has distorted and trivialized and having dimentia.

Have a most excellent Friday! I'm off for a busy day of cooking, grocery store, and looking for a couple new outfits for the East Coast trip coming up! Woo-hoo!!!

Spidey

Spidey, you have knack for saying the right things at the right time.

No matter how many times I hear (or tell myself -- sometimes convincingly, sometimes not) that "it's not about me" -- it always helps. And the last couple days I've needed to hear it again. So... thanks for that.

And this also was RIGHT ON:


Since I last posted.... it took me several days to get up the nerve to call STBXW and explain how we were going to go throught the settlement process. I guess that in itself -- making that phone call, and ME initiating the End of Our Marriage --- is pretty huge in the context of this whole story, huh?

I'm quite comfortable (lousy word -- I'm not comfortable with ANYthing these days) with the fact that, if I were not to initiate the D, she would go on like this for years... maybe longer.

And I find it so disgusting that the two of them (OB/STBXW) -- neither one appears to care that there's still a MARRIAGE here to be dealt with. It shows the true character of the OB, and I honestly do NOT know how my STBXW can live with herself.

ANYWAY.... sheesh! once my Gibberish Generator gets going, there's no turnin' the dang thing off! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I called her Thursday night. She's supposedly downloaded some forms (settlement agreement, etc), but really has done nothing with them. All this time, she's managed to take one little baby step in the appropriate direction, but only after me prodding her... for how long??

Very soon into the conversation she said: "I'm not going to just agree with everything just because I feel guilty." WTF?!? What kind of comment is that?!

Bottom line... she showed -- again -- little to no emotion for the duration of the conversation. I hung up the phone in a complete daze -- WHO IS this person?? Who WAS this person I lived with and loved SO MUCH for SO LONG?? She's like an empty shell... there's no substance, no heart, no soul......... I just don't understand.

If, rather than an empty shell, there's indeed something underneath the surface, then I'm truly scared for her. Because she's piled so much crap on top of the baggage that was already there.... and hasn't faced ANY of it.

So, I'll end this little blurb by saying that after talking with her, I began to question EVERYTHING -- about our marriage, about myself. "I gave so much of myself to her, and it was worth nothing. So, what is wrong with me? I gave my best, but it was worthless!"

And all that is on TOP of the intense feeling that I've completely wasted 25 years of my life.

Enough for now... I'm actually doing much better than it sounds. Just needed to dump all that stuff out...

One last thought... I do still have these fleeting moments where I "fantasize" about STBXW having an awakening of some sort -- and she tells me she still loves me, she wants to try to work things out, etc....

then I wake up.

Uh, YEAH!!! VERY huge. I am proud of you. It is so hard to move forward in your sitch. You definately have . . . "sand?" Is that the saying? I remember my friend Brett, who doesn't post here, once learned that a BS had Plan A'd for over a year. He almost fell over (he said). He told the guy, "Man, you've got sand. I couldn't do that for that long." Don't know what it means ~ must be a "man" thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Well, at least your WW didn't throw out any "surprises" this phone call. She pretty much followed the script. I, too, don't understand how your WW and OB can continue to carry on, just leaving things as they are with your M. In that way, yours is a bizaar case of infidelity. Usually, the WS at least THINKS they know what they want with regards to being in or out of the M.

I guess we just have to use her obvious paralyzation of the process as evidence of how messed up she has gotten. And you have done all you can to let her know you will assist her if she asks. She has actively created everything in her life. She has nobody to blame but herself. I, too, feel so incredibly sorry for her. She doesn't realize that if she could just swallow her pride now, and do some hard work, how incredible her life could be in a year from now, with you.

My H and I were talking about that yesterday, when I began this post to you (got distracted with clothes-buying!). I am so proud of both of us that we put out the effort, and kept trying, even though it all felt aweful back then. And we both kept wondering if it would really ever get better. And it has, thank goodness. Harley is not kidding about the 1-3 year recovery time, I tell you.

I know you are not afraid of that process, but your WW does not appear up to the task. My H and I were also talking about your feelings regarding the M pre-A ~ was it real, did your love mean anyting, etc. He remembers me saying the same things to him. Coming from the FWS side, he intellectually understands why we feel/think that way as BS's, but HE didn't really experience that same feeling/thinking. And I have a hypothesis as to why ~ because I think that line of thinking is pushed on us BS's by the WS's, as a way for them to rationalize/justify what they are doing. They rewrite our history, and in our pain and suffering, we start to believe them a bit. We start doubting our own self-worth, our own value, because the WS begins doing that.

Which is why I think that feeling has gone away for me, because I think that feeling is linked to personal recovery and healing. I think it happened faster for me, because my H came home and actively told me that 99% of all the crap he said during our separation and the early days around D-day were all crap, but it still took my own personal recovery before all those things didn't cut and hurt anymore.

I know you are hurting now, but please know that it won't last forever. I believe you are actively taking steps to help close your own wounds. And who knows? Final D papers could be the wake-up call that she needs. And it is just a piece of paper. If she ever comes back to herself again, you two could date again, and start over. Nothing is forever. It is all just a journey. And you have got an incredible journey ahead of you, tqt. I can FEEL it!

Spidey

Where are you? I realized today I forgot to ask you how your rock climbing was going. Then, after seeing you not post, I started thinking perhaps you fell off the rock, and are in the hospital, with no computer to post on! The horror!

btw, you should read the lastest post from ~ is her name CJ? ~ on graycloud's thread. She's got good advice! She said your heart will not leave your M until it is good and ready. I think that applies to you, as well.

How was the weekend, excluding the accident that caused you to be away from the computer and not posting to us this whole weekend??? Hmmmm??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Spidey

Wull dangit, Ms. Spidey, I ain't gone nowheres! I jus been hunkerin' down doin' some darn portint reeesurch!


From:

LEGENDS OF AMERICA
A Travel Site for the Nostalgic and Historic Minded
(www.legendsofamerica.com)

Western Slang & Phrases:

Sand - Guts; courage; toughness. "You got sand, that's fer shore."

Yup, so there's ya go, Ms. Spidey! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'll ketch up (catsup?) wit ya'll later, 'cuzzin I's gotta git ma fat [censored] to the jim 'n' check out dem lil chick-o-dees!

Someone said to me "sometimes, there's just too much damage done..."

But, I hope you know by now, I'd be willing to try. The bigger problem is, I don't think she'll ever be coming back to herself... she has to know who "herself" is before she can do that.


Yeah... that's the impression I'm getting...



A-HA! An Incredible Journey... So THAT's why I sometimes feel like a lost little puppy, trying to find my way home again...


No... see, here's the GOOD news... I DO have a computer in my room, and the nurses all say that before I know it, I'll be pecking at LEAST seven words a minute with that pencil thingee in my teeth!


I did read that post, actually, and I agree CJ's advice was excellent, and it did hit home for me. I think Gray and I (and a few other guys that I've recognized) share a lot of the same stuff going on in our heads... hearts...

Speaking of... just a few minutes ago, I was looking for my birth certificate, of all things (for my passport -- yes, I'm moving to Haiti to be a chicken farmer), and lo and behold, not only did I find my birth certificate, but I found:

1) our marriage license... 1983.................
2) a letter from the minister that married us
3) two cards that my STBXW gave me... not sure how long ago, but I remember getting them.

and I'll sign off tonight by telling the world what they said...

Ugh. Old cards SUCK when the spouse is wayward. I remember reading H's old cards and letters, and I remember wanting to show them to him, as evidence that he HAD loved me, that he still MUST love me, and that those old cards and letters somehow meant SOMEthing.

But, alas, all of my "evidence" that he loved me didn't mean squat in the end. *sigh* The old letters and cards seem tantalizingly close to making the whole thing a horrible dream, eh?

Well, the GOOD news here is that I went shopping with a girlfriend tonight, for 4 grueling hours AFTER a full day of real work, and I was very successful. I don't know about the women you know, but for myself, finding even ONE thing when I am trying is a success. Whenever I am not looking to purchase, I seem to find lots of stuff. Murphy's Law, I guess.

So how is the rock climbing going? I signed up for the marathon training program here yesterday. I am excited. I don't know if I will run a full marathon in November, or a half, but I am going to learn a lot of cool stuff and meet some new people.

Well, I am off to read my nutrition book, and snooze on the couch while H watches his recorded Smallville episodes. Oh, guess what I bought my BIL and his bride as part of their wedding present? "His Needs, Her Needs." They know what happened with us, so I feel kind-of awkward that on the front cover it says "How to affair-proof your M." But my friend had a good point ~ she said to tell them that we don't think they will have infidelity, just that it has some great information. I don't want them to think I run around seeing infidelity everywhere! Even though sometimes I do . . . maybe I'll just give them the book and tell them that it has some great information in it. Stuff I wish I knew 14 years ago. In fact, at the book store, the lady who was making our latte's said it was a good book. I told her I was getting it for the wedding, and she said that is how she got her copy ~ someone bought it for her and her H for their wedding. Cool, huh?! I feel like I am in the "know," or in season, or something. Like when I discovered that the new colors are the ones I painted in my bedroom.

Anyway, I am nodding off as we speak, er, as I type. I'm going to get silly soon. Hopefully I'll chat with you tomorrow.

Spidey

Yeah, old cards and letters suck.

At one point last September(?), around the time STBXW was at her worst, I found all the letters I had written her 23 and 24 years earlier --- in the trash can. She had ripped them up into little pieces.


On a more upbeat note, thanks for asking about my rock climbing class... it's going well!
We're still on the basics, of course, but I've climbed 32' walls a couple dozen times now. Looking forward to getting out to visit my brother in Colorado, and doing some more advanced stuff with him! It's a pretty good workout, too.

Spidey, when does the marathon training start? Even if you "ONLY" do a half-marathon in November... uh, excuse me, but, where does that place you among the rest of the global population, HUH??? You should be so proud of yourself!!!

And when are you heading East??? I do need SOME kind of notice, please, to arrange PERFECT weather for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


About the wedding present (HNHN) -- as I read your words, I thought to myself "I wouldn't doubt that if my STBXW and I received that book as a wedding present, instead of another toaster, we might well be happily married right now." It's quite possible.
In other words --- good choice, even if they ARE a bit confused by it!

And just to show you I'm a nice guy, I'll skip RIGHT BY the opportunity to comment on the "4 GRUELING hours of clothes shopping." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


I wrote this late last night, but decided then not to post it. I get tired of my own rambling, I really do.

But... she's on my mind more today than she has been lately. My brain is still capable of playing tricks with my heart, and vice versa.
So, I'll post what I wrote, just for the helluvit... nothing I haven't said before:

------

I just noticed that my STBXW tried to call me at home at 6:15 this evening.
No message, and she didn't try my cell phone.
Of course I wonder what she was calling about.... if it was important, why no message? And if not important enough to leave a message, why call me???
And my mind... actually, more like my heart, whatever it's capable of these days... starts to wander... and wonder.
It's things like that... a phone call, and what it "does to me," that make me question so many things.

It's stupid little things like her phone call, but no message... that can STILL take me back into that all-too-familiar place: thinking that she never wanted to destroy our marriage, she never wanted to leave, and once she did leave, she wanted to come back, she wanted...

but her pride and her shame and her guilt were what controlled her. And maybe they still do, as I inch my way slowly but surely to divorce.
Fact or fiction -- I'll never know one way or the other -- but it helps my ego to think that way.

But not knowing anything for sure has made it so, so, so damn hard to just let go.

That's what the website says. On a Q&A session, someone asked if at the end of the 27-week program, they could WIN the marathon. The BoiseFit people said yes, it is possible, but just to train and finish is a HUGE accomplishment, that will likely carry over into other areas of your life. And they mentioned something about running/walking a marathon, as opposed to still sitting on the couch thinking about doing the marathon. So yeah, I am feeling very proactive and excited.

The program actually starts this Saturday, with another introduction day next Saturday ~ both of which I will be in Maryland (of course!). Like, the only time I really ever go anywhere besides a Scout camping trip!!! Oh well. They said we'll work it all out. They have a discussion board that I can post with my coach and other members of my color group.

Oh yes, please arrange some nice weather for us! We arrive in Baltimore, Maryland, Friday afternoon ~ this Friday. Last night I bought 2 new pairs of capri pants, and several cute short-sleeved tops. So, if you could arrange some sunny, warm (but not too hot!) weather, no rain please, I would greatly appreciate it. I would like to stay dry and comfy while looking good in my new clothes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


My friend just told me that one of the couples she house sits for, has gotten D'd. I guess the guy came home one day, told her he didn't want to be married anymore, packed a bag, and moved to Portland, Oregon. 2 months later they were D'd, he took their dogs (they had no kids, and these dogs were like their babies), then gave the dogs away ~ told his ex about it afterward. Isn't that the strangest thing? Of course, the first thing I thought was an A. But he didn't travel to Portland, and he had no internet. The only way he I'm thinking an A could be is if he knew the lady here in town, and maybe she moved to Portland, and he followed her? Or, maybe he just realized he didn't want to be married anymore, with no A, and left.

After reading your comment, I wonder if his ex feels that same way. I guess at some point, you just have to turn off the brain, say, "This is how it is now," and move on. I guess my line of thinking is that at least you kind-of know why your WW left ~ fog, guilt, shame, etc. You're not sure why she is STILL away, but with what we know here at MB, we understand the dynamics. What must this lady think? I don't know. Not saying one is worse than the other, just that even with no infidelity, sometimes people just ~ change their minds ~ I guess.

ANYway, that is cool about your rock climbing. I bet it is a good workout! Holy cow. Bet you use all kinds of muscles, some you might not know you had until the next morning, eh? That's what is fun about starting a new sport/interest/hobby.

Well, I'm off to drop one kid off at guitar, pick the other up from tennis, get some milk from the store, and then do dinner. I also need to go get a new cell phone tonight, because my phone keeps turning itself off. I pick it up, and it goes dark. I take off the back, jiggle the battery around, it turns on. Then *poof* off again. I got lost on my way to a tennis game yesterday, at some school that is far away and hidden in lots of trees, and I couldn't call anyone for rescue! I felt like I was "roughing it." Then luckily I accidentally found it, but I missed the kid playing. He was very understanding ~ I guess it took their bus a long time to get there, too. At least I wasn't the only one!

Spidey

Uh-oh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Baltimore... cool! Pun sort of intended.
If you haven't been there (in the last 10 years or so), the Inner Harbor is a fun place to visit...
we used to take the boat down and dock right at the Aquarium for the weekend... LOTS of fun. The old days...

Now, ahem... about the weather.
I want you to know that I'm still in negotiations with the appropriate people, so you can IGNORE the following forecast. I have every intention of getting it changed to something more in tune with cute short-sleeved tops, and capri pants -- whatever they are <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


And now, the First (and probably last) Official Baltimore Weather Forecast EVER posted on MB:

Friday
Mostly cloudy with a 40 percent chance of showers. Highs in the lower 60s. Southeast winds around 10 mph...becoming southwest in the afternoon.

Friday Night
Mostly cloudy with a 30 percent chance of showers. Lows in the upper 40s.

Saturday
Mostly cloudy with a 30 percent chance of showers and thunderstorms. Highs in the lower 70s.

Saturday Night
Mostly cloudy with a 50 percent chance of showers and thunderstorms. Lows around 50.

Sunday
Mostly cloudy. Highs in the mid 60s.

Sunday Night
Partly cloudy. Lows in the mid 40s.

Monday
Partly cloudy. Highs in the mid 60s.

Monday Night
Partly cloudy. Lows in the upper 40s.

Tuesday
Partly cloudy. Highs in the mid 60s.



At any rate... I'll keep an eye out for someone in capri pants -- whatever they are -- and wave hello on my way down to St. Michaels, MD on Sat/Sun... to look at a boat!

I made that decision yesterday (yes, I'm still married, but it's ok to LOOK as long as I don't TOUCH, right?), and I'm cancelling the visit from the realtor and his prospective buyers on Sunday (decided to sell the house myself, instead), so.... I'm kinda psyched. Partly because of the boat shopping, and partly because now I don't have to clean the garage before Sunday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Since this is an MB forum, I really should throw in some M-related "stuff" before they throw me outta here...

And that would be easier to do if I had any news to report.

The biggest news, I guess, is that I'm healing. I think I am. I realized last night, when I started thinking about the dogs, no less... (they were our "kids" too) -- I can more easily get broken up over missing the poor dogs than I ALLOW myself to over my STBXW. (Not well said, but...)
And not to be melodramatic about it, but... I was thinking how she even "ruined" the dogs' lives! They were, uhhh.... BORN to RUN. As herding dogs all are.... and run they did for 5 years, in their own 2 acres of fenced yard. Now they go for walks on a leash. Sorry, it just ticks me off, and I feel incredibly sorry for them.

And also last night... I realized for a minute or two that maybe I CAN be happy in my home, and not have to move for emotional reasons. That made me feel good, and took some of the pressure off to escape from the home that we both worked so hard on. Still, it just doesn't make sense for me to stay, so I'll be selling, downsizing, and pursuing some other things instead.

My biggest problem, I think, is that I'm starving -- literally starving -- for female companionship (and I don't mean just the physical intimacy). And it scares me, because I don't know how much longer I'll be without it -- I know that realistically it could be for a long time. It's ALREADY been a long time...
I do know she took a huge gash out of my self-confidence, in that regard.

All for now... gotta go do some research on capri pants -- whatever they are <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

That's exactly what I was thinking about my friend's house-sitting dogs! The house this couple had was built WITH the dogs in mind. They had their own area in the backyard, in the garage, in the house. They had only lived in this one house, for their whole lives, with this couple of humans. They were down-right content and happy pups! They are Weirmeronors (phonetically spelled, because I'm not looking it up), very smart, knew the way to the park by heart, etc.

And he up and took off, took the dogs with him, then gave them away!!! Ticked me off, probably traumatized the dogs! WTH??


What is all this about moisture??? And no sun??? This is not weather that is conducive to good hair! And my hair NEEDS support from the weather. Oh heavens . . . I really hope you can arrange something for me, and soon! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

We are going to go to a place called the Aquarium while we are in Maryland. If there is only one, then that's where I'll be. I'm also meeting SadMarylandLady and Kloe on Monday. Supposedly, they live 45 minutes away from each other, so we are meeting somewhere in the middle. I didn't know Maryland was that big! Not like here, where you have to drive hours to get through one state.

That is cool about the boat, and the house, and not cleaning out the garage this weekend. Phew! Dodged that bullet, eh? Although, according to MY cleaning schedule, that and the gutters should have already been done. BUT . . . oh well. You would obviously rather go work out, or hang from a rock, or cut your long hair off and shave your way-too-long goatee. Whatever. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Whatever those are!

You will find someone who is wonderful and splendid and you will be gushing all about her ~ when it is appropriate for you to find someone. Don't forget the RULES, now.

I know what you mean, though. That Sheryl Crow song now means a lot more to me than it ever did ~ "The first cut is the deepest." After listening to her songs post-A, I realize she has had HORRIBLE relationships. She even has a "favorite mistake!" No thank you, I'll pass on having enough to begin classifying favorites. I prefer to LEARN . . . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Spidey

Spidey, I'm WORKIN' on it, I'm WORKIN' on it!!
Look, they're giving me a hard time... but I just checked, and it looks like they're starting to cave in. The temperature is creeping up, but it's STILL CLOUDY, the [email]b@st@rds!!!![/email]

Sorry... I'm getting upset about this weather thing.

And why... help me understand why... I cannot get up the nerve? stomach? courage? to call my STBXW, to discuss a couple D-related issues?

Seriously... I've tried for three days now.


ps. Just a lingering thought about this moisture/hair, hair/moisture problem.... because I DO CARE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
If moisture is an issue, I suggest one of two things: either stay away from places called The Aquarium, or, alternatively... wear a hat?

TQT-

I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never catch up on your mammoth thread LMAO.....so I just wanted to drop in on it and say Hi <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-Caren

Hi Caren! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Ya know... I have something to say to you, and it really belongs on YOUR thread, so I'll say it there!

Are you NUTS??? The Slayer does not wear hats!!! They make her head feel hot and itchy. And I can't figure out what to do with my ears in those contraptions. A visor is the closest I come to head-wear, and that is because on campouts I have to 1)camoflauge my hair as best I can with no availability of showers/electricity/running water, and 2)protect my forhead from the damaging UV rays of the sun! And my head doesn't get hot and itchy.

But sometimes it feels like my brain is getting too squeezed.

You are just going to have to keep up the good work, and get the moisture thingie fixed for me.

A hat . . . WTH . . . he doesn't know ME . . . doesn't know NOTHIN' . . . grumble . . . mumble . . . a hat . . . good grief . . . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Spidey