Well, er, about that. I am starting off a bit behind, but I am determined to plunge into this training thing. I haven't worked out since I've been home, because apparently one must wear a HAT over on that damp east coast in order to not get SICK. And, before that, I hadn't run for about 2 weeks, because of the shin splints in my right leg.

So, tomorrow morning, everyone is running 4 miles. I've never run 4 miles. I think I will just run 3 or 3.5. Then, starting Monday, I will begin with the training program. Hopefully, I'll catch up quickly.


Yes! That is PERFECT! It will be a best seller for sure, just because people will read the title of the book and HAVE to see what it all means!

I'll let you know how tomorrow morning goes. I am anxious to go, kind-of afraid, but also determined.

Spidey

Quick update. I did my FIRST training today for the marathon. I did almost 3 miles, as was advised by my coach and the residing PT. It was HARD. I don't know exactly what the distances are yet, as it is a new course. I didn't take my music, because I wanted to be approachable to meet new friends (not many people will talk to you with headphones on!). So, I had no concept of how fast I was going, where the turn-around was (until I was on top of it), and how far the end was.

AND, I haven't run in 3 weeks! Hopefully, the more I get to know my course, the easier it will be. Even if I had my music, I would be able to tell how far I had gone, depending where the MP3 player was at, but, alas, I didn't have it.

I met a new friend (girl, of course), met an old high school chum (girl, of course), and got to talk to one of the coaches of the faster runners that I used to aide in her classroom at my kids' school. I buy my shoes from her H.

I couldn't have asked for a better first day, I think. Unless it would mean knowing where I was and how fast I was going, but I think everyone is a bit disoriented when starting something new.

Chat at you later!

Spidey

Waytago Spidey! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I was thinkin' about ya!

Let's see... you haven't been feeling great, you haven't been able to run in 3 weeks, and you did 3 miles... NOT BAD, I'd say! Another way of putting it might be: pretty [email]d@mn[/email] good!

It also sounds like a great way to meet lots of (girls, of course)! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
So, in the interest of cardiovascular health and meeting girls, I think you may have convinced me to start running. Besides, my climbing course ended today (a short six weeks!)... although I've been thinking about SCUBA, which will be a MUST if I end up with some property where I'm HOPING to...

Ain't THAT the truth... and exactly how I feel as I stumble around trying to figure out what my Life #2 is going to be. Taking a step outside of things and trying to look in... kinda surveying the situation I'm in... no wife, no kids... pretty much everything turned upside down, and nothing looks, feels, smells, tastes the same... it's a weird place to be: About as blank a slate as one could have to start all over again. It was kind of forced down my throat, however, which puts a whole 'nother slant on things....

ENUFF! of the gibberish... all I'm doing is avoiding the LATEST news... but here it is:

First I said "I'm the enemy," and then I said "Well, maybe I spoke too soon."
I was right the first time.

I was driving home from my class late this morning, and naturally my mind was on my STBXW, and this whole mess (it pretty much always is in one way or another). And I'm almost afraid to admit (to myself or to anyone else) that sometimes my mind still wanders into the danger zone... and I envision things working out between us, and being happy again.
Anyway.. that's what I was doing on the way home, and then I checked my email as soon as I walked in the door. Got one from guess-who...

I'll skip the details, but, STBXW's email was about the Settlement Agreement that she's purportedly working on, and it was heartless, vindictive and spiteful. I'm being trampled on, and betrayed, one more time. As if she hasn't caused enough destruction and pain already, she's going for more...

She KNOWS I've dedicated my life to saving our marriage for the last 15 months!
And now, I feel like a fool for trying at all.

Below is part of her email... sort of an afterthought/postscript.
(The background here is that STBXW and OB work for a service-related company, both in very visible positions. My parents were customers of this company for many years. I asked them to cancel their contract with the company, because I felt that, at this point, continuing to do business with them didn't send the "right message" to ANYone.
They finally got around to cancelling it a couple weeks ago.)

Yuck.

Good grief! She DOES think she is the Queen of Sheeba!!!

I could be totally wrong, but I am going to share the first thing that popped into my head after reading about her lastest move. I think this is why she has been holding back on initiating the D! Because if you complain now, about her heartlessness/spitefulness/vindictiveness, she will simply say, "This is what YOU wanted. Don't blame me."

And she will believe it! Ugh. Personally, I say cut the line as fast as you can and let her GO! Just do whatever, let her go, and move on (and away from her FAST).

I am so sorry you have to go through so much new pain with her, especially since you haven't even processed the old stuff yet. *sigh*

And where does she get off being worried about her work people? Well, that is just a dumb question when dealing with a WS, silly me. If she is so ashamed and embarassed about her actions, then she shouldn't be doing them! Not just hiding them better. But only SANE people understand that concept.

I am so sorry, tqt. Here we go, BIG {{{{{{{{{{tqt}}}}}}}}}}

There now, that's better. Make sure you set up your boundaries, tqt, that are absolute, and be responsible for enforcing/guarding those boundaries through this process. YOU can control contact (time, mode, frequency), and timeframe, and lots of other stuff. You want to get out of this whole thing with as few tire marks up your body and over your face as possible. Nice guys are incredibly horrible at divorces! I know a very nice guy here, my H's good friend. He couldn't help himself, it was his nature. But, he did manage to hold firm to his boundaries, and I think they gave him the sense of power and control that he needed to get through it all.

OK, off that yucky subject of your wacky WW.


THAT'S what I was thinking! I also decided that I am going to take this whole thing VERY slow. Perhaps in November, I will "just" run the half-marathon. Then, I will join again next year, and be starting off at a real advantage.

Many of the "veterans" today, were talking about how wonderful the "short" runs are. Well, their short run, 4 miles, I have yet to accomplish! Plus I am coming in with an injury. There are soooo many things I have to work on, that I know I will still be challenged.

For instance, there is core stability. I used to think that just meant abs and back, but they mean the DEEP abs, that they can only see on ultrasound. I still have a long way to go with my weight-lifing, both upper and lower body. I would like to do more yoga and pilates, as well.

So, I am going to customize my OWN running plan. This group is very supportive of us doing this. Plus, I will be running (not including the long run on Saturdays) about 90-100 minutes a week, at my own pace. And I have lots of other cardio interests (cross-training) that I love doing at the gym.

We also have a race called "Robie Creek." It is notoriously mountainous, and is 13.1 miles. Boise Fit does a training for that beginning in January (the race is in May). I might join that, as well, and learn how to run up and down hills. Running up is very good for the butt muscles.

I bet they have a program in your city. It is a national deal. It is a great way to meet new people, with the same interests of fitness.

Hang in there, good buddy. It will all be OK. Stick with us, and you can't go wrong! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Spidey

Spidey, you're pretty funny when you run 3 miles on Nyquil! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This is one of those rare Saturday nights when I don't have a date with at LEAST 2-3 hot young women, so...

where's the party?!?

While I'm waiting for directions...

Well.... I'm DONE...OVER...GONE... OUTTAHERE... with this "nice guy" stuff. I'm NOT that nice, really!
I'm changing my whatever-it's-called name from "tqt" to "Mr. Arsehole" -- FIRST thing in the morning.

Do you mean she wants/needs to be The Victim in all this? I've thought about that. It fits -- I'm not sure exactly how or in what way -- but it fits.

Believe me...
well, don't believe me, because I have no idea. She acts like it, though, doesn't she?
And not to be flippant about it... I really do NOT have any idea, but I suspect that she is (still? always has been?) in a great deal of turmoil. Not about me, or our M, but about lots of things -- herself.
I think her vindictiveness is coming from her own pain.

I can't dwell on this stuff... because I ALWAYS end up feeling sorry for her.

When I first read that, I thought "what do you mean, I haven't processed the old stuff yet?!??"
But... thinking about it more, I understand what you're saying, and you're right.


This made me laugh... and to be semi-pseudo-sorta-serious for a second...

YOU, Spidey, and this whole "MB experience" helped me get from the very lowest, most excruciatingly painful time of my life to the point where I can get a chuckle out of "OK, off that yucky subject of your wacky WW."
That can only mean two things:

a) I have a really weird sense of humor <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
b) My debt of gratitude is enormous. In other words, thank you... from the bottom of my heart.


Yeah, well... ya gotta drop the "just" part, and you know it!


The "core" thing is relatively recent, as far as what the PT's, etc. are pushing. I'm no expert, and I do think it makes sense, but sometimes I think it's a little over-hyped. IMO, that would be more important -- crucial -- for people in the much later years (ie. not youngsters like yourself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) -- with active people like you, the "core" muscles will develop (or stay developed) naturally, in response to the stress (which is what it's all about) on everything else. Weight training in particular -- the specific muscle groups are trained, and if it's done WELL, the core muscles will HAVE to respond to the stress, and therefore grow.

Hmmm... I wonder what my "HSS" would say about that... coincidentally, she's a PT by trade... and, to make it even more interesting, she has a heart of gold, too...

Well, SO far... the party's great! When does the band start?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Er, the band? Darnit! I knew I forgot to do something yesterday! Well, my bad. My "party" last night included 2 large beers (in celebration for not dying on my Nyquil run), and a TCBY yogurt with gummy bears on it. Yum Yum.


Yeah, I have thought that, as well. These PT's though (and definately ask your HSS with the heart of gold) say that focusing on strengthening the core, rather than it just kindof keeping up with the rest of the training, can help prevent lots of injuries ~ even injuries to the acchilies heal! The way they descirbed it makes a lot of sense. They say that if you run, and your body is being held upright and tightly together with strong core muscles, it protects your joints from taking so much of the shock.

Because running on asphalt can HURT! Then I hesitate to run in the grass, because with my luck, I would step in the ONLY hole (small animal, snake, or that ONE busted sprinkler head) and crack my ankle ~ again. My right ankle can't take another break, I messed it up pretty good in high school, when we carried a boy into the girl's locker room and took him in the showers and got him wet. Several of us girls went down when the boy escaped, and only I didn't get right back up. I had orthopedic surgery the next morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

And from then on, I learned to NEVER mess around inapporpriately EVER. I have been a model human being from that moment on. Well, sort of. I have never helped carry a boy kicking and screaming into a girl's locker room shower again, that's for sure!


Exactly! I don't know why I thought that, but it hit me very hard yesterday while I was reading your last post. Like, if she has been so "hesitant" for the reasons WE thought she was being hesitant (ie, not sure she was doing the right thing, not wanting to close off all her options, etc.), why then would she be "going for the jugular" now?

She doesn't seem to feel bad asking for stuff that she cannot feel she actually deserves (for instance, even your parents' decision to cancel their contract!) ~ just stuff she thinks she can get away with. I guess it is the sense of entitlement that she has that bothers me ~ which is my issue, not hers. I think when I was younger, I had that same sense of entitlement for myself. And when I "grew up," I was embarassed about that. So, now when I see it in others, it still kind-of bothers me.

On my trip, one of my friends was upset that her daughter was "only" getting paid a certain amount of money from the company that I used to work for. I told my friend that that is more than I was hired on at when I joined the company. My friend was shocked. Her daughter is, well, NOT a model employee ~ but she has a sense of entitlement which is way out of proportion to what she is willing to put into the job or the company ~ IMO.

Anyway, like I said, my issue.

Um, Okaaaaay. You are cracking ME up now! Is your nature something you can completely control like that? Because, tqt, I have to tell you, you ARE that nice. Really! As this whole thing progresses, though, we here will challenge you on the concessions you make, so that you are consciously choosing your battles, if there are to be any.

Because, a few lines down, you write:
Which made me smile. Nice guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> (yes, I am teasing you)

Well, sorry about the party. The whole family fell asleep watching the Discovery channel last night. Good thing we were recording it. We all had long weekends. I was so nervous/anxious Friday night, about Saturday morning, that I hardly slept. And H and the boys were at an overnight Scouting trip, so I just laid there in bed, hoping for sleep to come. And the boys only slept from midnight until about 5 am. We were all pooped. It was all I could do to make dinner last night, and wait for H and DS to get home with the TCBY!

I am sore today. I think I pushed myself a LOT yesterday. Did I tell you how HARD it was? Good grief. And I barely went 3 miles!


tqt, I don't know if I am doing this well or not. Do you have a book to recommend? There seem to be so many theories out there about how to be successful, and probably one method should be followed consistently to see results. I'm sure it is wrong, but I don't do a whole lot of lower body weight training, because I do so much cardio ~ on my legs. I focus more on upper body when I have time for weight training. But, if my legs were stronger, they could do more work during cardio, but my arms practically never get challenged.

What are your thoughts on all of that?

Spidey

Sundays (is this blasphemous??) Suck.

ROUGH day today.

Spent most of the day going thru 22++ years of accumulated STUFF, trying to figure out what to throw out, what to sell, what to put on the "50/50" list...

It's simply amazing how every single little thing -- even things that should've been in the landfill decades ago -- means something now. A scrap of wood (got lots and lots of those): that project we worked on. A pair of (her) garden gloves: yikes. A cooler that was a wedding present in 1983, and still going strong. Those water shoe thingees still all sandy from our last trip to our favorite beach -- and where we also spent our honeymoon.

'nuff said.

But then, the thought occurred to me... she's not having to go through ANY of this... she hasn't had to live in the midst of What Was... she hasn't had to STARE at, REMINISCE over, or THROW AWAY... anything.

It seems unfair. And much more painful than I'll admit here... but I'm not in the mood to whine at the moment.


On to more important things! Like... CORE STABILITY!

You mean... I have your permission?? She's ummm... married, ya know. For better or worse, of course.



Spidey, DON'T listen to ME about this stuff. I defer to the experts. When I worked with a PT (and it was only a few times), he also threw in the core stability stuff. It makes sense -- I just get a little wary when something (relatively "new") gets pushed/hyped/preached as the New Big Important Thing.

The part that I DO look at closely is this: abs (the "outer" abs) can be trained to the point where the body starts to neglect the inner ab muscles -- which are there to stabilize the spine. That's really the ONLY reason I FORCE myself to pretend to enjoy an occasional beer or two -- so I don't have to worry about OVERworking my abs.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Hard on the joints!


Oh, man, my heart BLEEDS for that guy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Yikes! I'm having a HELLUVA time picking out just 1 of the 47 responses that come to mind, so... let's just give it a <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

(ALLLright... I'm sorry you got hurt! And I know what you mean about being nervous about the ankle... I really do.)



oh yeah... back to this stuff <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Anything's possible. The fact that it's all guess-work at THIS stage of the game is really, REALLY sad.
But... I do think it's been ALL those things that we thought it was... AND... she needs to be the victim. I can't get this out of my mind... it's like she was "cornered" (Plan F), and saw no way out... and the "going for the jugular" is either the script that she experienced with her mother, and/or, she's being "coached," and/or... she's scared, or angry(at herself), or...

and you mentioned her sense of entitlement... yes.

Ya know... it's all so huge (to me, and I DO think to her), and so complicated.
The bottom line is that she can't communicate any kind of reality -- that's not the right way to say it -- but do you know what I mean? And if that's the case, it's hitting a brick wall no matter what, isn't it? And could that be the reason the MC just sorta GAVE UP, all of a sudden?

It bothers you because... why?

Yes, you did push yourself a lot yesterday! I knew you'd be sore today... so did you. Sore is good, to a point, and you know THAT, too. I can't tell you ANYthing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


IMO, the reason that there are so many theories out there, is because nobody knows, AND, what works for Person A doesn't work for Person B. There are just too many variables in the equation! Genetics, lifestyle, personality, logistics... then add in the fact that it can take years... to see the results of THIS vs THAT... and all that's left to do is latch onto the latest "study"...

Spidey, do you do the strength training at home, or at a gym?

You definitely want to do lower weight/more reps, as opposed to more weight/low reps. At the one extreme, a lot of bodybuilders won't TOUCH cardiovascular exercise - the theory being endurance-training the muscles takes a hit on size/strength. BUT, the reverse... training the muscles for endurance (higher reps/low weight)... works.

I did some searching around for some long-distance running/strength-conditioning/strength vs. endurance stuff...
this is the BEST thing I've read, probably ever... in that it's concise, common-sense, and fits the bill (or, the Spidey, perhaps <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

http://worldofendurance.com/article.asp?a_id=122874

Lemme know if that link doesn't work!

Gotta go... heard TCBY is running out of gummy bears...

Spidey... gummy bears??

Good question! To be honest, there are some things I have RECOGNIZED about myself, but I still have no idea why they happen. I am a strange girl, what can I say. Maybe it is because I don't like that quality within myself, I have labeled it as "bad" or "ugly," to ensure I won't do it anymore ~ so when I see it somewhere else, I see it as ugly and bad? Dunno.


Ugh, that SUCKS. I remember thinking similar things, when my H left. So many memories, and all his stuff was new to him ~ oh, except his FURNITURE, which was the OW/FBF's old stuff. Not exactly the memories I had WANTED him thinking of each day when he came home and sat down on the COUCH, but . . .


I remember stuff like this, too! I remember finding this stuff, just kind-of forgotten in all the CRAP that was going on, and remembering my state of mind BEFORE it all hit the fan. It was mind-boggling. And scarily clear, as well ~ hindsight being 20/20, and all. I'm proud of you, though. I does all have to be gone through, you are steadily doing what you need to do to free yourself from this "spiderweb" you have been walking in for the past . . . long time.


That would be done at the gym. All of this training takes up so much TIME. I guess there is just no way to get around that fact. Really fit people sure do spend a lot of time training!


Thank you so much for that link (it did work, BTW). VERY helpful information, especially applicable to training for running. I thought the aerobic enzyme thingie was very interesting ~ I had never heard that before, in the arguments I have heard for strength vs. endurance training. Changed my perspective a bit.


Uhhhhhh, YEAH!!! It is really, truly, the ONLY respectable topping available. TRULY! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Spidey

Nothin' to report today, boss!

Other than the fact that I'm sensing we're back in a stalemate.

Haven't heard anything from her since Saturday (although she tried to call Sunday AM)
BTW, I forgot to mention that I called her right after getting the email.
Pretty much all I said was (very assertively, but not in anger): "Think about what you're doing... and who you're doing it to." (yeah, ok, lousy grammar...)

So who knows what she's doing now. I don't think she was ready for D, though. Not ready to come home, and not ready to end the M. It's like she decided to go floating around in outer-space for a while, but forgot to come up with a re-entry plan before she left.

And ME... I've found myself in a position where I've Plan F'd us into the Settlement Agreement stage, but can't get myself to take the reigns and push it through to completion.

I keep asking myself, over and over: am I having trouble with this (ending it), simply because I never wanted any of it to begin with? Or is there more to it than that?

Spidey, I could've SWORN we were past this stuff a long time ago(!?!)... where'd that Instruction Manual go?

You have NO idea (well, OK, maybe you do) HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE SAID THAT SAME THING! If the human heart could just keep up with the obvious logicalness of our brains, I think it would all look different. But, alas, we have both.

What am I saying? That I think you are progressing pretty darn normally, friend. I think each time you delve into this, you push a little harder and get a little farther than you did the last time. Some people call this the "2 steps forward, 1 step back" thing, but I see it as a slow foray into the scary unknown.

I think it is OK to get into something out of the comfort zone, and say, "Wow, this feels . . . uncomfortable. I don't want to stay here to long, right now. I'll come back."

And, you just keep doing that over and over, and before you know it, *poof* you have actually gotten somewhere significant.

I encourage you to be paying attention to what is going on inside of YOU right now. Try not to base action/inaction on what you think might or might not be going on with the WWW (Wacky Wayward Wife <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />). Does that make sense? For all intents and purposes, this is YOUR journey, YOUR path. And it will happen, in your time.

No news to report??? Sheesh. Your life sounds almost as hum-drum as mine IS! You should organize a poker party at your place this Saturday night, and invite a bunch of ~ yep ~ GUYS! Kick your heals up, play some darts, drink some beers. Be a GUY! Maybe you could have a Garage-Cleaning party? As a warm up, you all could clear out those gutters! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Spidey

Yep, at the moment it IS a bit humdrum, actually.
And that bothers me! Unacceptable, is what it is.

Actually, a lot of things are bothering me. Recently, I've been having more trouble figuring out exactly what's going on up there (in my head). So, I start analyzing things, looking for answers... something's not working correctly, so dammit, get the WD40 and the duct tape, and FIX it!

What I've come up with is... no answers, but a list of possibilities... why I'm in a not-so-great state of mind at the moment...

a) I still love her... period. I tend to love very strongly, and unfortunately, pretty-darn-near unconditionally.

b) She's been the center of my life for 25 years. Of COURSE I'm going to feel lost without her.

c) She was TOO much of my life for 25 years. I don't know HOW to be single, alone, unmarried...

d) Her behavior, words, actions... or lack thereof... have made this whole thing so confusing to me that not only has it been a while since I knew which end was UP, but has left the door open for me to "read into" things any way I choose. IOW, without anything from her, I'm forced to make up the story as it goes along. Yikes... isn't THAT stupid...

e) This has been going on so long (MY fault), and I've been so stressed out continuously for... SO long... that I've forgotten what it feels like to be "normal"... and happy.


I DO know...

I'm a Giver. (I do have a healthy Taker side, too) I ENJOY being that. It's who I am. All I need is a little dose of appreciation once in a while. But now, I find myself in two predicaments... 1) I have no one to give to. Frankly, it sucks. 2) Trying to figure out if, over most or even ALL of our 25 years together, my Giver has been taken advantage of, and my Taker has been ripped off.

Wait... I'm supposed to be honest, right? Why didn't you say that?!?

(excuse me for a second... "Already Gone" (Eagles) just came on the radio... there's a pair of speakers I need to test....)

Yeah, my Taker has been ripped off. I'm pretty sure of that.

Which... has not only made me try harder throughout our M... but has made the A, and every minute of its aftermath all the more painful. I guess I'm saying... I have a helluva lot invested in this person that used to be my wife. I invested ME... too much of me, as it turns out. Always... and, in ALL WAYS... because of my commitment to our M, and my love for her... and the Giver part of me... being ok with waiting for her to "give something in return."

I'm not saying it correctly, because it sounds like I thought I was owed something. Never.
I just wanted a happy, healthy, loving relationship with the woman I loved, and admired, and adored.

Anyway... that's that I'm dealing with... emotions, feelings, and miscellaneous JUNK that no longer really means anything -- other than I'm trying to understand -- me, her, us...

I'm thinking I won't click the "Submit" button on this post.

Alright, WTH...


ps....


Spidey... all this time... did you think I was a guy?!?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

pps. My guyhood is intact... trust me...

ppps. Whoa! Am I allowed to say that here?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


pppps. that damn radio...
Wow... it was a full year ago that this song first meant something to me...

I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak
But I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed
I can't be sure

I think you're so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need
This in my life
And I think I'm just scared
I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone baby you need to come home
'Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything you

I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need more than you mind

I think you're so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need
This in my life
I think I'm just scared
That I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem
I'm feeling

If you're gone maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone baby you need to come home
'Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything you

I think you're so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need
This in my life
And I think I'm just scared
I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone baby you need to come home
'Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything you

... ain't that the truth...

When my H was gone, the songs on the radio all of a sudden meant totally different things to me. I started realizing just how many musicians had had their hearts broken! I decided, that the ONLY song on the radio that DID NOT make me feel sad, was the Bangles' "Walk Like an Egyptian." That song means absolutely nothing, and made me smile when I heard it driving down the road. And stragely, that comforted me. Just a reminder to myself that sometimes, some things, just don't mean ANYthing.


Perhaps what you are dealing with, and this might have been what you were saying anyway, is that you put an UNhealthy amount of YOU into the M. And I am glad you are thinking about this subject, because it is something you will need to understand ~ so you don't subconsciously pick another WWW out of the crowd of possibilities. You certainly don't want to relive your past, you want something bigger better more.

Hiker posted a thing from Alanon the other day, I think it is still on page 1 of GQII. Some of the questions asked fit you, IMO (and me, too, but different questions). I think it is important to understand why we do the things we do. I know a lot of it is personality, the way we were brought up, but I think some things are internal beliefs we have aquired/adopted/affected, that don't necessarily serve us in our lives.


There are people out there, tqt, as you well know, who WANT to give back, when someone important to them gives to them. THAT is the very essence of a healthy relationship. When my H gives me great conversation, I feel so warm and fuzzy that I want to give him great admiration. Some of that has come from the simple maturity I have gained from my experiences of the past year+, some from learning and reading what a healthy M requires, and some of it comes from my natural personality that I love to give when given to.

Unfortunately, you WWW is not interested in growing up (facing her fears and working through them), learning how to communicate, learning about M and what is required, and there is also some doubt as to her natural "personality" that she is capable of giving back.


Typical man . . . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Spidey

Dear Ms. Slayer,

You have the patience of a Saint.

I now pronounce you...

*** Saint Spidey ***

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for hangin' in there with me.

What I am is TIRED Ms. Spidey. BECAUSE of the fact that all the boys in my life are addicted to Star Wars, we are all going to see that movie tonight ~ at midnight. It is like a 3 hour movie, plus previews (actually, maybe no previews, can't remember from Episodes 1 and 2 that we saw at MIDNIGHT the day they were released). Needless to say, me and the boys are laying down for a "nap" at 7:30. H has class, and will come pick us up at 10:30, so we can go stand in line.

I am having some anxiety, because I REALLY want to sit next to H, and the boys be able to sit next to each other. We are going to the theater in the next town over that is not so crowded ~ normally.

People have been camping in front of the theater in Boise since Monday! Or Sunday. Some craziness. Good grief.

So, I just have to get through tonight, tomorrow day, then I can rest, then the boys have a sleepover birthday party Friday. Fun fun fun. Oh crud, and we haven't got the gift yet. Mental note, get gift.

At least I got my house cleaned today. I had to do my run in the rain, but I got in 31 minutes, which was my goal of less than 35 minutes. Tomorrow I have to run 26 minutes. Then rest Friday, and do 4 miles on Saturday. I think I will be caught up with the regular training schedule by Week 8 (we are wrapping up Week 3 right now).

Wish me luck! With everything! Including making it through this movie tonight!

Spidey

Yikes!

I'm still trying to get over the "Walk Like an Egyptian" thing!

And what's this about wanting to sit next to your H at the movie?!? Hmmmm... a bit selfish, donchathink?

I think you're just nervous about falling asleep on someone ELSE's shoulder at... say... 12:45? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



Spidey... in the Running World, 31 is a L O T less than 35, and you know it!
Are you worrying about the 4 miles on Saturday? Don't forget how well you did after not running at all for 3 weeks. As you know, I'm NOT a runner (although I rowed on the crew team for a while in college, which was ENUFF of a Cardiovascular Challenge for ME, thank you!... I think maybe I'm supposed to die on a boat <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />), but I'm very intrigued by the whole long-distance/endurance thing. I think it's a helluva lot harder than pushing weights around. Maybe someday....

I'll never forget the time at the gym, not too long ago, when this woman came up to me and said "Oh, LEG day, huh? You look like a runner!"
I was like... WTF?!?!? (excuse my language)

I'm laughing about it just thinking about it.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

May The Force Be With You, Spidey <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ps. Just how many Gummy Bears CAN you eat in a 3-hour movie? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh, I don't eat gummy bears unless they are the little miniature cute ones they put on my TCBY frozen yogurt. If they aren't those kind, I don't like them ~ them are too slick and slimy and feel weird on my teeth. My movie candy of choice has always been Hot Tamales. BUT, because the movie was at midnight, the entire family went snack-free.

I know that running 31 is a lot less than 35, but I am trying to find a medium between where I am at in my technical week one, with where everyone else is in their week three. BUT, seems as I'm so tired today, I don't know when/if I will get my run in today. *sigh*

And, of course, the sun finally came out and it is GORGEOUS today. Oh well. I have one 3-hour job today, then I need to make a loaf of banana bread for us, and some banana cupcakes with cream cheese frosting for H to take to work tomorrow. I am being over-run with ripe bananas! I eve have 2 or 3 in the freezer to use, that I had to "save" before we went on our trip.

ANYway, the movie was fun. Not something I would have chosen to do at midnight, but I love making the memories with my family.

Chat at you later. Time to haul this tired body off to work.

Spidey

Ya see?! I'm clueless! I would've guessed Mike & Ike. ??!?


Yikes, Spidey, and I thought *I* had problems! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ALL kidding aside, my wish for you is to... someday... be able to proudly sing:

"Yes, we have no bananas. We have no bananas today."

(geez, I hope whoever reads this doesn't think I made that up...)


Enuff o' that...

Did you get your run in today?

I was thinking about this, and I'm quite serious... when Saturday rolls around, and you end up doing GREAT on the 4 miles... how much WILL you have attributed (a) amount of sleep (b) diet the morning of/day before (c) jitters/adrenaline/etc to how WELL you did/how hard it was?

I'm curious about such stuff, in the Real World, I mean. I have opinions, but...

In the meantime... while you're stewing over that... I really should throw in some M-related thoughts, before the MB accounting dept sends me another outrageous bill.


Still no word from WWW.

The thought occurred to me today... the last time I heard anything from WWW about the 4-letter "L" word -- or anything remotely connected to it -- was... 6? 7? months ago, maybe even the day she moved out, when she said "I love you like I should love a husband of 24 years."

Now, isn't that kinda strange? With all the foggy-weird-wacky stuff she's come up with ("you always had to work out after work..."), she's never mentioned ONE THING like ILYBINILWY or anything close. (Yes, of course she said that somewhere along the way, BEFORE she left.)
But wouldn't that be Numero Uno on her list as her reason for STAYING away, and not wanting to try to work things out...? IOW, what happened to the "real" reason she strayed... the "real" reason she left?

And I'm ALSO thinking that, if it comes between you typing away at the keyboard trying to answer probably-stupid-questions, or you getting some sleep... I vote for the sleep!

"I run because it's my passion, and not just a sport. Every time I walk out the door, I know why I'm going where I'm going and I'm already focused on that special place where I find my peace and solitude. Running, to me, is more than just a physical exercise... it's a consistent reward for victory!"

Do it up tomorrow, Spidey <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

TGT:

Your first post on this page was almost completely in sinc with what I think and feel. I was happy to see someone else who shares the same thoughts as me. I would assume most of the GIVERS here have the same thoughts we do, but I havent mananged to find someone whose thoughts were so similar to mine. I do not know your story, but am interested in how you are working PLAN A?
I have gotten to the point I have to let WH initiate all the contact and behave as a friend only, hopint he will return to me soon. I do not say I LOVE YOU first, and now H does say I LOVE YOU before I hang up every time. I only talk for a few minutes a day and am always finding something to do, so when he calls, I am in the middle of something or at someones house and I end the call soon, but for a whole three days, I have not mentioned the M or when he is coming back home. But this only comes after I have broken down and even gotten into a very big blow out with H. I think he is still in his own selfish world, but I was still the GIVER even when he moved out of the house. I spent my days trying to fix things and he acted as if he could care less.
I would appreciate knowing if you have made any headway with your WS? Sounds like you spent a lot of time trying different techniques also. How long for you since DDay?
Have you tried the tough love theory? I am hearing a lot about it, and think I am finally ready to try this philosophy, but do not know how it may work with a spouse like you and I have.
Thanks for talking with me, GOD BLESS.

Oh BW... I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Please know that I'm not very good at this (as much as I wish I could be), and I'm not familiar with your situation, but I wanted to respond to you right away.
I did notice that you've had some input from some very wise people here -- indeed some of the wisest, most compassionate, caring people on this planet, in my estimation!

Off to read your posts...