I KNOW! It reminded me of your WWW, even though I don't know her personally. Really fits her modus opperandi (sp?). It is amazing that people's brains are really wired like that, after the age of say, 3.

Pep, if you think it should be its own thread, go for it. I am too wiped out to start anything ~ and I think I will be for a while. This thing with my mother is a HUGE dark place in my mind, and a very heavy weight in my heart. Hopefully, we will all be able to talk it out and work together to solve this in the best interests of my mother ~ not the nursing home's number budget. *sigh*

Spidey

Spidey, I've been kicking this around for a while now, and I think I have it figured out.

When you say "This thing with my mother is a HUGE dark place in my mind, and a very heavy weight in my heart"

...it hurts.

A heavy weight in your heart is painful to LOTS of people, because you've GIVEN so much of it to so many.

Pretty good theory, donchathink?

Yeah. I am really not looking forward to the next couple of weeks. There simply are no good solutions. Ideally, we would put her in a women-only place, but she has 100% dimentia, so the assisted living places won't take her. Basically, we'd have to find her another place like the one she is in, but no one will take her ~ especially for the behavior problems that this one wants to get rid of her for! I guess there is a "mental" place in another city about 40 minutes away from us.

She is a person who gets stability from her routine. To take her away from the staff she knows, the routine she knows, I think will just exaccerbate her behavior problems. Then, some OTHER facility will be having a harder time than THIS one is dealing with her. *sigh* It just sucks. We were just in May 11 in a care conference, and everything was just fine. Then the doctor called my aunt up today wanting either her or myself to go get my mother, as they were discharging her!!!

I was finishing my cleaning job, to go to my appointment for ANXIETY! My aunt is on her way out of town for her DD's soccer tournament and won't be back until Monday. Now my aunt wants to meet with the care center on Tuesday, my big working day. So I have to shuffle everything around, and for who knows how long?

It seems so ironic to me! Just when I started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel with this anxiety thing, this happens! Tomorrow, hopefully my sense of humor will be back, and I can actually LAUGH at that part, out loud. BUT, I still can't help but be grateful that I'd already made the doctor's appointment, and already had a plan in place before THIS happened. Who knows what would have happened with me had I not. So, I am grateful. I guess I just would have liked to enjoy feeling less anxiety a bit longer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Well, I guess it is my turn to vent and give myself the pity-party. And I do understand where the nursing home is coming from. My mom is 54, and she is both like a child, as well as remembering more "adult" things. Apparently, she has been talking a lot lately about masturbation, and how big this male resident's who-ha is, and how her 5th H used to take her home (from the nursing home) to have SF with her. And she says it loudly. And I guess the gentleman-in-question (male resident) is beginning to get interested in her SF propositions. And the staff is worried she's going to get herself into a sitch she can't get out of (AGAIN! This is what happened last time) ~ or the male resident is going to lose some of HIS rights to keep him away from her. And this last weekend, apparently she was going on and on about all of the above, while a visiting family was in there with small children.

She just has no clue. She is a loose cannon with her words, she curses, she gets angry. Not all the time, but it kinda goes in spurts. 15 days ago she was doing great. Now today they want her out. The Activity Director there has been with my mom for over 10 years now. She is her best friend. Even when I am visiting my mom, she will ask me where Helen is. The nursing home also finally got her her own room. That has been HUGE. Because she can't have a phone (calls us all night/morning long, over and over and over), we have to lock her wardrobe or she puts all her clothes on each day and throws them on the floor. When she had roomates, she would use THEIR phone even when we took hers out (all these things are big-time monitored and regulated for resident's rights ~ it is a big deal to have a phone taken out of the room, and also to lock up personal effects from the resident), the other resident's family didn't want that for THEIR loved one (understandable). So my mother would then use their phone, take THEIR clothes! *sigh*

But she won't get any better anywhere else, I don't think. There is not a women's only facility, she is too young for a lot of places, yet too old and dimentia for others. Last time, we went through a 6-month long ordeal to fight to keep her in this place. And they are wanting to discharge her on the same grounds as last time. I think we would hire a lawyer this time. Last time my Uncle handled it, but this time I think we would hire someone. It all just sucks. There are no good alternatives, just trying to work with what we've got.

Last time they wanted to kick her out, 5 years ago, my aunt and I SCOURED the valley (that is a term for our city, and the surrounding 50 miles) for options, and were turned down EVERYwhere. Our only hope is to keep her in the place that accepted her all those years ago. Well, that seems to be our only chance now. Maybe something else will reveal itself.

OK, I am all done with that. Just a background so you can understand what I am talking about for the next while. This will be front and center on my mind.

Thanks for the care and understanding. I sure do love my MB buddies.

Spidey

Spidey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds HUGELY stressful.

What is the reason they (nursing home) are giving you for discharging her? There has to BE a reason, other than "oh, she's becoming inconvenient for us." Even if there IS a legitimate (medically, legally, whatever!) reason, they have to give you 30 days (I think)... and aren't THEY required to find another facility before involuntarily discharging someone, or at least try (whatever that means)?

Yes, WAAAY hugely stressful. A mere shadow of what I went through after D-day, but in the same category ~ unfortunately. Like I said, I am SOOOO grateful I listened to myself and made that appointment. I would be KICKING myself if I had put it off another week or so.

I posted this as a topic all its own, to get more input. Plus, I don't want to threadjack your thread! For Heaven's sake! Because we NEVER veer off topic here ~ never! What were we talking about, again? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So, read my post over on the other thread, and let me know your comments with that new information. And ask me to clarify anything that is fuzzy ~ I think I have a splinter up my nose.

Spidey

OK, another "longest run I've ever done" day! Today, I am running 5 miles. And I am carrying LOTS of water, because it is HOT here already.

I'll let you know how I do later. I ate good last night, extra whole-grain carbs, so hopefully my "glycogen" stores are at peak hold.

Spidey

How much water do you/did you carry? Does anyone use those hydration pack things?

You have way too much self-control <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Do it up, Spidey <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> I'll check with ya later!

Well, I bought my first water carrying system last weekend, and, needless to say, I won't be using it again for running ~ it would be great for a long hike, though. It has 2 water bottles, in a largish fanny pack. Too heavy, too much jostling when I was running. So, for next week, I am going to try the single water bottle that has a cushioned, elastic strip along the side, so you slip your hand through, but don't have to hold onto it. The little packs, like camelsbacks, look real convenient. The only thing the coaches said about them last week was that when you start putting more than just water in them for the longer runs (like Poweraide), they are hard to keep clean. I hadn't thought of that before.

OH YEAH! Guess WHAT?!?!?!? My group ran a 6 mile loop today, so the only way I could do 5 miles was if I ran by myself in the opposite direction. So . . . . I RAN THE FULL 6 MILES! It took me 1 hour and 14 minutes. Can you BELIEVE THAT?!?! It totally wiped me out, though. By the time I ate lunch, I could barely form words, it seemed like. I used all the simple sugar my body had stored up, and I was firmly into the reserves.

Other than needing a little catnap on the couch earlier (while listening to Ghostbusters the movie ~ could naptime BE more PERFECT?), I feel really good. I practically ran a 10K today! I have to say, though, that even the little inclines (not even hills) near the end felt like I was running with concrete blocks on my feet. And right near the end, I tried to sprint, but I think I still went the same speed.

I don't know if I told you I met an old highschool girlfriend there a few weeks ago? Well, she was gone last week, so her and I both went from running 4 miles to running 6 miles. It was fun to run with her today, and joke around. Makes the time go by a LOT faster. She will be gone next week. I even passed my new friend, in the walker group, right near the end. I saw her from pretty far away, but it took me a LONG time to catch her.

But my H figured my pace was around 12 minute 20+ second miles. That's not bad at all, for me. I am very proud of that time.

So, we are having some friends over tonight. I hope I don't drink 3 beers and fall asleep! BTW, the anti-anxiety pills are working GREAT for me. My Lexapro should kick in in less than 2 weeks. I am so grateful I made that appointment. My other girlfriend and I are going to visit my mom this afternoon before everyone gets here. And I'm bringing her home for a few hours tomorrow. We'll see if she likes playing our UNO Attacks game ~ she is an UNO addict.

Chat at you later!

Spidey

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I had to read that twice to make sure I got it right! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

And that was without the banana bread! (I think?!)

You must feel GREAT about it. Congrats, Spidey. To He!! with NOVEMBER marathons... rumor has it the weather in SEPTEMBER's gonna be PERFECT for running!

How do you feel today? Wiped out, or ? Get a little sleep last night? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BTW, I JUST happened to notice... the Garmin Forerunner 201 Wrist GPS Unit...$149 at [censored]'s Sporting Goods.... hmmmm.......


Is she married?


Is she married?

So how'd it go with your mom yesterday?
UNO party today, huh? Just went thru all the games/etc yesterday, along with LOTS of other stuff, as in Marriage Dismantling (MD)....LOTSA fun! Can't remember whose "pile" I threw UNO in... but, we have/had this game called "Greed" -- that was an easy decision. She was always better at that game... whaddyaknow...

More MD today... NO way to spend a holiday weekend (well, ANY weekend...), but I'm trying to get it OVER with.... rather than peck away at it for week after week.

Check in with ya later. Hope you have a good day and things go ok with your mom!

And one more <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> about that run yesterday! Awesome <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Wait, one more thing...
Is she married?!!

Yep! But instead of that, I ate a bowl of frosted shredded wheat. And I am soooo glad I did that. I used every part of my glycogen stores yesterday. I was WIPED. But, we were having a party, and I was making a big dinner for (let me use my fingers . . . ) 14 people. My H's old high school best bud and his W called late in the afternoon, letting us know they would be in town for the night only ~ so we invited them, too! Good thing, I had made WAAAAY to much food. It ended up being just about right, with everyone grazing on the leftovers.

My H and one of the guys who was here last night, and another friend are going biking (the pedaling kind) this morning. They were a sorry-looking group. Nutso, if you ask me.


Well, once my hangover lifts, I can better answer that question. My BODY doesn't feel weary, just my brain is stuffed with cotton. But I did just stick to my light American beers last night. Everyone else drank a mix of marguaritas and heavier yeast beers. That stuff just tears me up! I'm getting old.

Yesterday, before I ate lunch though, I was VERY wiped out. I almost felt drunk. I don't think I have ever noticed my body being so "low" before. I ate my lunch very hungrily. I also chose my lunch food with care, realizing what my body needed most. I almost feel like a real, educated athlete! To many I'm still a novice, but I am amazed at how many people don't understand what food does in the body, they only seem to care about what it does in the mouth, ie, how it tastes.


It went great! She was very happy, contentedly watching TV in the big TV room. Lucille Ball and Jack Benny were on, and she was just happy as could be! I think I will shower here soon and go get her this morning to hang out, because H's highschool friend is performing at the Morrison Center (kinda a big deal) ~ he's an actor. So, we are going to meet them at 11:30 and do lunch, then watch their play, and probably won't be home until 4:30 this afternoon. Plans change so fast! I guess this friend and his W are moving to LA to pursue their acting careers. They have performed with a "troupe" here in Hailey, Idaho, and I guess have met Bruce and Demi several times, as they are affiliated with the theater there (they still own a large home there). So they figure they have a good shot, because I guess it is all "who you know." Sounds scary to me, but they are excited.


It does suck, especially on a holiday weekend, but I do think you have the right idea ~ just get-er-done! Sometimes, with unpleasant things in life, we just have to buckle down and plow straight ahead and get the unpleasant things done. Toilet cleaning, pooper scooping, Marriage Dismantling . . . the list goes on and on.


All my running friends are M'd, but I have two girlfriends here who are NOT. So, once your M has fully and legally been dismantled, and you wait the minimum of 6 months before seeking another long-term relationship (the minimum time required to begin to heal), you can pack up and move over to the most GORGEOUS state and I will allow you to call upon my friends with a romantic intention.

Of course, then you'd have to buy a boat that was more for trolling, and water sports, than the open sea. We have some great reservoirs here, except the draught some of them only get half full anymore. BUT, if I find out you want to move here, I WILL learn how to do the rain dances, so you can drive your boat in a FULL reservoir. How's that for hospitality???

OK, I'm off to shower and go get my mother. Hopefully, there will be no major catastrophes, as my mind and stomach are weak, and I can't endure much yet today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Spidey

HA! See... THAT's what I've been trying to tell you... to 96.3% of the population, you ARE a "real, educated athlete."
Now, subtract another 2.7% of the remainder, because they... alright, just subtract 'em... THAT leaves you in the top 1%! Think about it, would you please? How many people can CRAWL 6 miles??

And you know what the coolest part is? You're still psyched, and you're still learning, and you're still not quite able to give yourself ENOUGH credit for what you've accomplished so far...

that... would be called a Class Act <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Ooops. Spidey, must be a typo...
for a second there, I thought you said "minimum of 6 months..."


Uh-oh.... I think you have to wear a hat for those things, don't ya? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm sure a visor would be acceptable ~ we are in the 21st century, after all! Geez. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You have to stop saying all those cool things about me, because if my head gets any bigger, I won't be able to get out the door this morning for my run! I will be stuck in my computer room for the rest of my days.

Because of my upcoming week, I don't know what other day I will train, unless I do it in the heat of the afternoon. Ugh. Because my Tuesday jobs got bumped to Wednesday, and I am booked full on Thursday with jobs, too. We aren't supposed to run on Fridays, but I do plan on "cross-training" with my favorite step class that I never get to go to because I am usually being "copy mom" at the Middle School. BUT, OMGosh! the last day of school is WEDNESDAY here! Ahhhhhhh. Where did the year go? My babies are growing up so fast.

I guess since I ran the 6 miles, I should be training in the correct week now, too. So, that means today it is a 35 minute run. My other 2 run times are 45 min. and 40 min., and I have no idea when I will even get ONE of them in ~ perhaps Tuesday after the meeting, I will need to run somewhere, even in the heat, for 45 minutes.

Chat at you later.

Spidey

Marriage Dismantling (MD)...
Gotta do this (post) because I'm sinking fast today... maybe this'll help.

Just for the record... in the course of more MD'ing, I figured out I met STBXW in 1981, so it would only be 24 years, not 25.
And going through this process... combing through every little object in this house...
lemme tell ya... 24 years is a long, long time.

The further I get into everything, the worse it gets. It's like I have to go back year by year by year as I slowly uncover all this junk... this is simply HUGE. I hate to sound wimpy and whiney... but this hurts like hell. I thought I was past a lot of the emotions that have been churned up to the surface by doing this.

I've been trying to hate her, but it ain't workin'.

Heard this yesterday: "There's no dungeon darker than the human mind." I know what that means!

I keep wondering if she really has any CLUE about the enormity of what she's done!? Not well said, but I'm not thinking too clearly at the moment.

Hey, Spidey...
Did ya make it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes, thank heavens, I was able to grease the sucker up with some butter and squeak out. I was lucky, though. If it gets any bigger, we are gonna have to knock out a wall or two.

I know what you mean about the pain, thinking you have gotten through to some less painful spot, only to find yourself back in the thick of it ~ maybe even feeling worse. Instead of thinking about it as moving forward or moving backward, think of this process as the peeling of the layers of an onion. You are making progress, but that doesn't mean you aren't going to get to a really stinky layer every now and again, and it will make your eyes water. You are making progress.

I also know that you will not regret this process you are letting yourself go through right now. You are doing what you need to do to close one chapter, so you can move on to the next. It's not in the same book you thought it was going to be in, but chapters none the less.

I brought my mom home today for a visit. We did hair, and nails, and played Uno. We also watched a Clint Eastwood movie (he's one of her favorites). The closest SF talk she did while here, or that I have heard in the past 3 days, was when Clint was on-screen, she said, "Clint is a hunk, isn't he SS?" And I had to agree that he was (1970 movie).

She has seemed very calm and happy all weekend long. This whole thing is just so strange. I am having MUCHO anxiety for tomorrow's meeting. Just not knowing if they are going to agree to us changing her care plan and/or meds, or if they are going to hand us the Discharge notice and then we have to have another hearing. *ugh*

At least after tomorrow I will know more. I am in limbo now.

Anyway, my run this morning went really well. I went pretty fast, but I'm not sure how fast, because I haven't measured my route yet with H's GPS. I also realized I can get up early early on Thursday, because I won't have my daycare kid, so I can go before my jobs. PHEW! Cause this Saturday, I have to run 7 MILES!

Anyway, sorry MDing is causing so many onion layer peelings, but I know you are making progress. Hang in there, good buddy!

Spidey

Spidey, thanks for helping me keep things in perspective.

After pretty much dedicating my waking hours for the last 3 days to getting this little project done... I'm wiped out. Saturday was Hell, yesterday was not as bad, and today I went back and forth between Hell... and Numb.

And right now... I'm the latter.
But, guess what... as of about 30 minutes ago... she's completely out of the house... and now she resides in the garage. IOW, project MD is done.

Time for a beer. Or three.... or...

"A man's got to know his limitations" - Clint Eastwood

What about the Ombudsman... where does she/he fit into the picture right now?
And yeah, limbo stinks.
I just want you to know I'm thinking about you and this whole thing with your mom (as are all 20 million of your friends and fans here - they're just afraid to butt in on this formidable thread). Good luck tomorrow, Spidey. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Wish I could say something more helpful than that. I really do.

edited to say: Yikes! Forget the stupid <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />!
I'm just tired.
If they give you a hard time tomorrow, I will personally run, jog, or crawl to Idaho and kick the necessary butts. It's do-able.

Wow! I am so impressed that you finished. You did have a single-minded determination. That's a LOT of processing in a short period of time. Dang. It will be interesting to see how this affects you now that it is done. It's always a crap-shoot when it comes to feelings, isn't it? I always think, "Oh, this will make me feel this way." Then it happens, and ~ nothin'. Then things I don't even think about, sometimes cause profound emotions to rise to the surface.


The Ombudsman is the representative of the residents of the facilities. She (in this case) is the protection, usually the ONLY protection, that elderly people in NH's have. We are meeting with her at 9:30 this morning, then at 10-10:30 we are all 3 (me, my aunt, the Ombudsman) meeting with the NH representatives. I don't know who will be there on their side. I imagine the Social Worker (who is supposed to support the residents, but the "new" one they got about 6 months ago, told us the first time she met us that she wanted my mom moved to a wheelchair, and that she wasn't sure she was suited to the facility ~ bad vibes, indeeed), a nurse of some sort, and perhaps a representative of the administration. Maybe my mom's doctor who called my aunt last Thursday, but I don't know. He's kinda cowardly, and I don't think he wants to face my aunt ~ she can be scary, in a bad way.

BUT, I have all my paperwork in order. My aunt and I talked about what we wanted to focus on today. I printed out both those links you sent me on the other thread. One was over 300 pages, so we printed it out at H's office yesterday when we went to feed his fish (long weekend), front and back, then went to Kinkos and got it bound (there were no page numbers!). So, THANK YOU for that. VERY important information for us.

I will keep you updated. I have also decided I will do my 45 minute run this afternoon, in the heat. I have to get myself climatized, and this is my only time I can go today. I will take water, and go very slow, I promise. Keeping my mind partially focused on that as another goal for the day is keeping my anxiety level low. I need a clear head, not a crazy one.

Spidey

I feel weird, woozey, and wiped out. Still.
Guess I wasn't prepared for the fallout... might've been easier to just blow the place up.

A couple people have asked me: "So now what?"
My witty, sophisticated response: "I dunno."

Enough about me.

HOW did it GO, Spidey?

Tqt....This is going to sound so bizarre, but I envy you right now. I really wish I were at that place you are right now. I know realistically that I will be there sooner or later.
Don't mean to sound fatalistic, but again reality says I am headed in that same direction.

I think that you are getting through the toughest spot yet...and you are getting through it...painful yes...necessary...yes. Fun? Yeah like drinking some of that blended crap they drink on Fear Factor.

I can see the home stretch for you TQT. I know you would rather be any place than where you are, but I truely believe the hardest part is behind you.

Suppose Spidey is holding out on us and hasn't told us that her hubby bought that winning Powerball ticket. Maybe she could throw us all a party say....in the Caribbean?

Just a cut and paste from my ark-request-help-thread ~ overall, not too great.



I wish about the powerball, Homer! Not only would we party in the Carribean, I could do so happily because I would have paid to have my mother stay in a GREAT place with a GREAT staff! CLOSE to me!!!

Party party party party . . . party party party party . . . .

Spidey

Absolutely.....taking care of our loved ones would certainly come before the celebration.
I will keep you in my prayers. I have been blessed thus far with healthy parents, although my dad's open heart surgery in March made me do a lot of thinking.

My WH lost his mom 6 years ago and is still feeling the pain.

220 million? Can you even imagine? Maybe we could pay for everyones marital therapy since the HMO's won't. What a bunch of crap that is.