Geez, you are just full of cliff-hangers lately!

Fill us in when you can. Thinking of you.

Spidey

ps, my knee is feeling MUCH better with the ice, ibuprofin, and rest. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for asking! Sorry I didn't fill you in sooner.

You're welcome!
And your PT appointment is: ________ ?

you forgot the Compression! RICE?
and the beer! RICEB?

yeah, well, it's that rock-climbing class I took...

Details tomorrow... it's all pretty lame...

As I said, it's all pretty lame, and pathetic, but WTH:

BIL, SIL and I always got along great. Though they've lived 4 hours away, we've had a long history with lots of great times together.
Haven't talked to BIL since last September(?) "Though I don't agree with what my sister is doing, I have to support her." So, after 24 years, I suddenly ceased to exist, as far as BIL was concerned.
I always figured a simple "sorry this is happening" phone call would've been a nice gesture, but that call never came.

Haven't talked to SIL since December. Again, all of a sudden, I ceased to exist.

Now that my M is just about dead, they've re-appeared... why? Because they want the Stupid Little Boat (and trailer and motor) that STBXW's dad gave us about 10 years ago. No big deal there, in principle, although after 10 years of overhauling, renewing and faithfully maintaining the thing, I do feel a little "ownership," and it'll be sad to see it go. I sorta feel like I'm at my own funeral helping to split up my possessions among the survivors...

Here's the catch... in the process of picking up the boat, they want to spend the night tomorrow night. They'll be driving their RV, and their plan would be to show up, get the boat ready, party it up and have a good ol' pretend-none-of-this-affair/separation/divorve-crap-was-even-happening time, sleep in the RV, and take off Saturday morning. And, of course, I will never see nor hear from them ever again.

The reason they're not staying at STBXW's place is because she's leaving tomorrow (purportedly) for San Diego for a conference that starts Sunday. Her mother is going with her, so it looks like they're making a nice little vacation out of it. STBXW and I lived in So. Cal. for a couple years when we were first married, and she hasn't been back there since.... whereas it would be an emotionally-charged ordeal for ME to go back there, I'm guessing STBXW won't have any problem with it... end of ramble...

So, this Stupid Little Boat thing and the untimely visit from BIL/SIL has me sort of confused...

The irony of it all is that last night I was ready (I'm pretty darn sure I was, anyway) -- and had planned to -- call my STBXW and tell her I was filing for D.
Instead, I ended up talking to my BIL/SIL for the first time in 6-7 months, discussing an overnight visit.

When I thought I was finally extracting myself from this mess... now I feel myself getting sucked back in.

a) I can tell BIL/SIL to go pound sand... pick up the boat, and move on... the campground's closed.
b) Invite them with open arms, have a great time... (not knowing how much of what we talk about, etc. will get back to STBXW)
c) Tell them I have an invitation to be somewhere for the night which I just CAN'T turn down... sorry I won't see them, but feel free to camp out at the house. (And I would then just disappear until Saturday afternoon... unfortunately, I don't have an overnight invitation, but I'm sure STBXW would get a rise out of that little story...)

It seems like I should have more important things to worry about (and I do)... but I'm not yet sure of the best way to handle this...

Personally, I believe this all to be in very bad taste. They chose to butt-out of the sitch a while ago, and they should stay true to that stance. The only thing that should be happening with the boat, IMO, should be happening between you and your STBXW. I don't believe it is appropriate for them to even come calling! Then to want to spend the night! Good grief!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So, I advise either a or c in the above options. a would be optimal, letting them know exactly how you feel about the whole thing, and tell them that the fate of the Stupid Little Boat will be decided in your D paperwork, that if it is important for them to get it back, they should talk to your STBXW and make sure she asks for it in the Settlement Agreement.

However, doing that is often easier said than done. So, c is a good option to let them know what you think of their actions (not much!), and that you are simply not interested in making such a big deal about the whole thing ~ but you choose to not be involved.

At this juncture in your thinking, feeling, and planning (Plan D), I don't think b is a good option at all. I think it could set you back ~ and who knows for how long? If they just visit, and keep it light, maybe for a week or so. BUT, if an "issue" or two comes up, they tell your STBXW, whatever, more drama, that could set you back a long ways. And you have worked hard to get to where you are.

I think this "visit" has come at a very opportune time for you. This will show you if you are ready to set some very firm boundaries for yourself, and be willing to enforce them. Enforcing your boundaries here, with her family, could go a long way with the confidence you will need to do the same with your STBXW. IMVHO.

Spidey

Thanks, Spidey.

Yes, it IS in bad taste. I know it is. As much as I like the two of them, I wasn't that surprised, though.

As far as the Stupid Little Boat and the Settlement Agreement (where IS that Agreement, ANYway?), I'm not concerned. STBXW should have it, and she has said that BIL will end up with it. When it's gone, it's just one less thing to deal with.

I've just been trying to take the high road, and sometimes it's hard to figure out what that is.

Your words of wisdom have helped me lean away from option "b"... and I'll ponder "a" and "c" and maybe some weird combination of the two...

I'm sure this all appears very wimpy on my part... it feels pretty wimpy... but even something as stupid as this seems to be so much bigger under the circumstances. I've known these guys for 24 years, and we've been great friends AND family...

24-year-long friendships of any kind don't come easily... and of course now it's just one more thing that's been destroyed.

And... I forgot... this rotten, disgusting, miserable mess... what was all this for again?

Spider Slayer,

Someone said I should ask you about your story. It must be very similiar to mine. Husband -best friend thing. I need help. It has been 2 weeks. Sorry to jump in the middle of your conversation, by the way. Any help would be wonderful - going crazy here.

gybna

Hi gybna,
If you happen to read this...

No need to apologize. I'm so sorry you're in a situation that led you here to MB.

I just noticed that Spidey replied to you on your other thread...
I think you'll find that Spidey's words are as Good as Gold.

Best wishes to you gybna.

Dear Ms. Slayer,

Just wanted to check in and say "Hi" and...

ask you how YOU are doing?
Some of the things that have been kicking around in my head...
Hoping things are going ok with your mom(?) You haven't said much lately. Just want you to know there ARE strangers out here that do care, and haven't forgotten.
And your Run today... your knee?...
And lest we forget, your flat tire?!?

and... I want to again say "thanks" for helping me out with my little BIL/SIL conundrum. You really were a big help.
I called them and told them that under the circumstances, their plan was probably not appropriate, as much as I love them both. They understood (maybe relieved, but I think disappointed), and while I was out and about last evening, they stopped here, picked up the S.L.B., and It Was Done.
Except, when I got home this evening, there was a message from SIL.... said they'd call later.
Who knows...

BIL did say that STBXW didn't seem at ALL excited about her trip to CA (she left yesterday)... and after feeling things out, wondering what was safe/appropriate to say to me... he said she didn't seem very happy... and she told him that she "was tired all the time." (Though I have an opinion about that comment, I won't ramble on about it now...)

So... while BIL continues to say he "wants her to be happy" -- he (IMVHO) misses the obvious...

ENUFF! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hope you're well, Spidey... just check in and say "yea" or "nay" when you get a chance... would ya?!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Things with my mom are good. The NH agreed that it is the best place for her now, that they couldn't in good consciousness send her to a place with Registered Sex Offenders (they ARE human!). They have some very valid concerns (mostly lunch and dinner times with her behavior) that we are working on one by one to try and make better. I got her in with a doc on Wednesday, and we are going to start trying different meds. Her main anti-anxiety med she has been on since at least 1998, and it very specifically says that it loses its effectiveness if used for too long, and is very addictive. So, she'll have to be weaned off for a long time, but I have high hopes for the effectiveness of a replacement med. And I have agreed to do one lunch, one dinner, and take her home on Sundays for dinner, in order to help out the staff. It's not much considering there are 14 problem meals a week, but I'm doing what I can.

My run went well. We "just" did 6 miles, so we all went really fast. I came in at just over 11 minute miles. So, we all felt like we were going to die. We were like, "That was waaay harder than last week!" Because we had it in our heads that it was "just" 6 miles. Well, it IS 6 miles! And deserves respect, I tell ya. My knee felt GREAT. It was a bit sore in the end, but I iced it last night. I think the week off was the right thing to do. No pain at ALL when I started yesterday, which is HUGE.

The flat tire, sorry I didn't fill you in on that small drama. H and I took it to the bike shop (the benefit of buying from a local bike shop, not a department store), and they investigated and discovered that something on the metal of the bike tire had poked through the tube ~ on the underside of the tube. So, they put on a thicker liner than what comes standard from the factory, put another slime tube in, and sent me on my way ~ free of charge. That made me VERY happy. I get that for 1 whole year.

All-in-all, I'm doing great. Starting to find my equalibrium after all the DRAMA lately. It sure does take me a while to get back to "normal." I can deal with the crisis pretty well at the time, but I seem to have a pretty lengthy fall-out time after. Oh well. At least I'm much more self-aware and capable than I was 2 years ago!

I'm glad you handled the BIL and SIL thing the way you did. I think it was in good taste, with firm boundaries, yet with the trademark tqt care and understanding. And your BIL didn't tell you anything you didn't already know, did he? We KNOW your WWW's choices have not brought her peace of happiness. But it is still up to her to do the hard work of helping herself. All you can do is smile and nod and say, "Yep, these are the choices she has made."

I think you are moving along FABulously, darling, FABulous. I'm now off to the grocery store to get donuts and cards for H with the boys. Where did all my time this week go that I am doing this on Father's Day morning? Oh well. H went to bed late, so we should have a couple hours yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Spidey

Just journaling... a childless man's thoughts on Father's Day...

My mother always ran the show... and my dad and I were never very close, but we get along well.
I will be calling him today and wishing him a Happy Father's Day.... and then the subject will probably turn to me -- "how I'm doing" and various topics all related to my "new life" and impending divorce.

My STBXW's parents were divorced when she was in her early/mid-teens (due to at least one of her dad's affairs). When I asked STBXW to marry me, one of the first things that came up was -- sort of a warning -- she said "I do not want children."
She was all of 20 years old at that point... how a GIRL of that age could make that decision -- it should've been a big red flag to me, but I was so head-over-heels in love with her, it didn't make any difference to me.

STBXW and her dad were very close -- they'd talk almost every day, it seemed.

He was killed in a car accident about 6? years ago. My eyes are welling up now, as I think about that day -- the hardest, most painful thing I've ever had to do in my entire life: go to my wife's workplace at 10:30 one morning and tell her that her dad had been killed.

My wife, her brother, my SIL, and I sprinkled her dad's ashes into the lake by his house. I made a promise to him that I'd take care of his daughter.

BIL has said he didn't think STBXW had been happy since their dad died. I've wondered if his death triggered some sort of depression/MLC... directly, or in a roundabout way... and I struggle to think of signs that I missed.

Her EA, then PA, started a couple years later.

I believe STBXW regretted her decision not to have children... I always told her that I'd love to have kids, but that I didn't think about it too much because she was always insistent on NOT having any... and I told her that I certainly didn't want children with a mom who didn't want them! Told her that it was her that I loved and wanted to spend my life with, and I respected her feelings about it, and her decision not to start a family.

The last time she brought up the subject -- just shy of her 40th birthday, which she said devastated her -- she said "do you ever think that we should've had children?"

So... fast-forward a couple years... and not only have I lost my wife, but I find myself a 45-year-old man without any kids. I sometimes get angry (to myself) in a weird sort of way... angry that not only did she leave me, but she left me with no children.

It's a blessing, I suppose, in that there are no innocent little ones having to endure this horrible series of events... but I wonder every single day... if STBXW hadn't decided 24 years ago NOT to have children (because of HER experience with infidelity as an innocent victim).... I think we'd be a happy family right now.

No children on Father's Day... a blessing, under the circumstances... but how SO much better would my life be today, I think, if I were a Father.

And... in thinking about all this, I guess I see firsthand how the horror of infidelity... can impact so many lives, in so many different ways... so many years later.

It's really hard to get a grasp on the magnitude of it all.

Hi Spidey!

That's good to hear about your mom, considering what a huge ordeal it could've been, and what it looked like it would be -- to get her moved to somewhere else.

You must be upset about the meds situation(?!) It's too bad that (as I understand it) you had to wake some people up about that. You must be thinking why? how? does this stuff fall through the cracks? (about her current meds, I mean).

My company is involved in the software end of some of this -- for hospitals, nursing homes, home health, hospice -- and although I'm on the technical side, and not on the clinical side, I have gained a great appreciation for all sorts of things (in healthcare/nursing/patient care) I'd otherwise have no clue about. So I can in some ways empathize with what must be a frustrating situation for you.

I'm thinking that it was you who appealed to their humanness... something that you have a gift for!


of course you are... and that's probably an understatement.
I'm just guessing, because I haven't been there... I would think that it's a situation where you're always wondering if you're doing "as much as you can" and "as much as you should" -- no matter how much you do.

Let's see... that calls for a <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> and a <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> and a <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
'nuff said <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You don't have to apologize to ME... just apologize to your H for sleeping on your bike in the garage for the last 4 nights. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yikes! Spidey, slow down... at that rate.... whaddyagonna be in 2007?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


See?! Had I known I could've had donuts on Father's Day, I would've INSISTED on having children.
I gotta find some other excuse.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Depending on when you read this... a Happy Father's Day, or, a Belated Happy Father's Day... to the whole Slayer Family. Y'all deserve(d) a Great one. :-)

Man! I had a GREAT post yesterday, almost finished, that was VERY philosophical, having to do with your post regarding the far-reaching affects of infidelity. It was very wordy. Then, one of my boys came in here and rebooted my machine for some reason. *poof*

So, even though I don't have time for a proper post this morning, I wanted you to know I am here and reading ~ just not replying! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Yeah, I think most people don't understand unless they are forced to learn ~ like so many other things in life. I had no idea about our systems before my mother became a resident in one. And let me tell you, the one my mother is in is pretty top-of-the-line. It is so heavily regulated, but with no money, a bit like our school systems. It is hard to find quality staff, etc. BUT, I have also met many people who are there because of their big hearts, not big wallets, and they are extraordinary people.


Oh yes, and Oreos, too! All this, and more white/gray hair than you have now, could have all been yours! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Chat at you later . . .

Spidey

THAT depresses me........ it does! The world loses on that one, Spidey. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I LIKE your philosophy, and even like your wordiness (but it's "thoroughness," remember?).

Not much to post this evening.

It seems like half my energy goes into controlling my thoughts... IOW fending off thoughts of HER, and anything/everything having to do with her, which unfortunately includes a big long stretch of my life, not to mention what I thought was the future!
The energy that's left... I'm trying to put to good use... in the process of kicking around some Major Life Decisions, some short term, some longer term. As it should be anyway, of course, but I'm still trying to get a feel for thinking about ME, with no strings attached. I'm not all that good at it, yet. Still feels like I'm missing a couple limbs.

Only other thing I noticed today was that I feel the sympathy/pity/whatever (for her) slowly being replaced with resentment... and indifference. (I guess the two work together, at least for a while?) Anyway... I realize what it all means.

Talk at ya tomorrow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Knee still ok, Spidey?

Yeah, although the first run I did on it was yesterday. Just 30 minutes. Today is 45 minutes. We'll see. Then tomorrow afternoon, we are going with the Scouts on a 2-night backpacking trip ~ 4.5 miles uphill, climbing just shy of 2000 feet. Oh yeah, carrying a 45 pound pack! My poor kids are each carrying about 30 pounds. H is carrying the most, as he weighs the most (it is a weight ratio, apparently).

Then we climb back down on Sunday, much lighter since we will have eaten our food, and drank most of our water. This is my first backpacking trip ever. I am excited. We have to pack everything out, to include our garbage. No campground, no running water (well, there is a lake). *sigh*

After this, though, both my boys will have met the requirements for the Camping merit badge, which is required for their Eagle Scout. Yay!


I remember being very p!ssed off about this same thought after H left me. I couldn't help but think ~ If I had known you were going to leave me, I might have made different decisions about a LOT of big stuff in my life. Then in my head I would call him a selfish [email]b@stard.[/email] It took me a long while to get over that feeling of anger, even before H came home.

I guess I used the same thinking that I used about my mother's disease, when I used to get angry about the way she lived her life that so influenced the way my life turned out. I had to realize that everything DOES happen for a reason. Maybe not so much that we are destined to be miserable, but that these "crisis" that happen in our lives (IMVHO) are learning opportunities for us. Sure, we can let them tear us down and make us less, but we can also use them to make us so much MORE. It is just the other side of the same coin, I guess.

You can come out of this on the other side with so much MORE than you ever dreamed possible. I truly believe that, tqt. Growth hurts, and it is uncomfortable, takes us out of our "comfort zones," and that is scary. But all that is OK. It is worth every moment, when you turn those corners and can see things just that little bit differently than you did before.

Hang on to the rollercoaster! WHHOO-HOO!!!

Spidey

Well, that's an easy one, Spidey... just don't TAKE any garbage WITH you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Would you believe... about TWO minutes before seeing your post earlier today... I got an email from my brother in Colorado in response to me suggesting a backpacking/climbing trip -- and we haven't done that (backpacking) together since... since...
Nineteen Seventy-Something? That would be 30-something years. Kinda weird that you mentioned that, in a cool kinda way...

ANYway... I think it's GREAT that you're doing that! You're gonna have FUN, Spidey.
45 pounds is pretty darn respectable, but you're strong! (we all figured that out a LONG time ago) Some sore shoulders, a sore back for a day or two... I'm just guessing that you'll recover <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I have memories of backpacking with my dad when I was about your kids' age. (No backpacking with my mom, but a lot of camping) Do those kids of yours have any idea how COOL their mom is? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (they won't FULLY appreciate it for a few more years, I suspect...)

Uhhh.... what's the weather forecast? It IS going to rain, isn't it? It's SUPPOSED to rain for these things, BTW. In order to fully appreciate the experience, it MUST rain. Not just a few sprinkles. The heavier the rain, the better!


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
you get one too, of course... don't you?

The OTHER thing that was kinda eerie today... was that I was also thinking about JUST that. EXACTLY that.

I've decided that at this stage of the game, "thought control" is a critical survival tool, right up there with the Swiss Army knife, rainproof matches, and wireless internet connection.

ps. Hint: An hour or so before leaving the house, weigh your backpack. Then, right before you leave, weigh it again. It's a strange phenomenon, indeed... but if you take your eyes off your backpack, it tends to get heavier!

No, but their friends do! A few weeks ago I took them and a friend to the waterpark for the day, and their friend kept telling them how great I was, how lucky they are. I told the friend, "Too bad they don't think so." And they both piped up, "Yes we do, we know how great you are!" Brown-nosers! My H says they will know when they get older. I know I would LOVE to have had my mother do this kind of stuff with me, put me at the head of her priorities list instead of her carreer (of course, it's not nice for me to criticise her when she cannot defend herself). BUT, my boys don't really know any different, because that is how it has always been for them.

Speaking of water parks, I went to one yesterday again with the boys and a couple other friends. And guess who sunburned her shoulders and back??? Ugh. It is going to feel GREAT with that heavy pack on today, hiking up that mountain, with the pack holding in all my exertion heat and my sunburn heat. I am such a DORK! I even covered up the last 1.5 hours we were there. Good thing, too, or it would be MUCH worse. I have been putting essential oil Lavendar on it. That really takes the heat out! And it stays on, because it absorbs into the skin. Lavendar is also a mood relaxer, so I'm pretty relaxed now, too.

ANYway, I can tell my backpack is already much heavier than it was going to be, what with the sunburn and all. :-) I might just have to go jump in the lake as soon as we reach the top, to cool off.

I hope you have a great weekend. If you go backpacking soon, too, we can compare injuries and soreness when we both are finished. We are also taking our fishing poles, we got our licenses, and we are taking foil to cook those suckers in! Yum yum. Rainbow trout is the BEST fresh from the lake.

Chat at you on Sunday or Monday! Wish me luck! I hope I don't peel when I get home!

Spidey

That DID happen to us! AND, even though our packs were technically lighter going down the mountain on Sunday, because we ate all our food, they still felt WAY to dang heavy.

But, guess what??? I was the most fit adult that went with our group. I had to keep pace with the trail-blazing boys. We made the hike up in less than 3 hours. We were told it would take 4-5 hours. And I know I could have gone faster too, but we tried to stay together as a group and made lots of rests before the boys and I broke away. It works out better to stay in groups, but let people go at their own paces. We all made it down in 2 hours. Although, personally, going uphill is way easier for me than downhill. Downhill makes my knee and ankle hurt, and I don't have the confidence ~ especially with an awekward 45 pound pack on my back.

All-in-all, though, I had a GREAT experience. I caught 3 fish (the first the night we arrived, after we ate dinner, so we threw it back ~ but it was a good 12" Brook Trout). The other 2 we ate for dinner the next night, along with our MRE's. The food we took was very good, we had great water supply, the ground was not too hard and rocky, so I slept well. I think I had an optimal experience for my first time. I am pretty sore today, and I have to cook all day, but it is better than having to clean all day! I have to do that tomorrow. *ugh*

So, how did your weekend go? Do you have any plans for the 4th? I can't believe it is this coming weekend! Where does the time go? I am going to be 33 soon! I don't mind, though. My life is WAY better now than when I was 23, I tell you. I guess that is one benefit of growing up late in life.

Spidey

Spidey, I'm here... reading, thinking... appreciating....

I'm on the down side of the 'coaster, I think. Pretty far down.
Just wanted you to know your words are not for naught.

Your description of your weekend was great :-) I'm smiling thinking about this new sport you've invented... sorta like a triathlon/adventure racing thing... run a quick 15k, sprint up the mountain with a 45 pound backpack, catch 82 pounds of fish, jog down (carefully), do 10k on the bike (with NO fenders)... and then get home and wonder what else you can do next time to make things a little more challenging.

hey, whoa! big surprise THERE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'll yell at ya tomorrow. Promise.

Well, OK, I'll check in later. I have to clean 2 houses today. *ugh* At least yesterday I had a spurt of energy after my cooking job, and got to the grocery store, and got the rest of the camping stuff cleaned and processed. *sigh* So today I can get done cleaning, come home, and veg out to my recorded Wimbeldon. I am almost caught up, I just have to watch about 8 hours of recording from yesterday.

I need to make that PT appointment, too. That climb down did a number on my sore knee. The whole leg hurts now from just above my knee, down to my ankle. I'll try running on it tomorrow morning. Then I have a 7-mile run on Saturday.

I'm sorry you are on the downside of the rollercoaster. I know what that feels like, and it sucks. Be kind to yourself, give yourself some time and understanding, and before you know it, you'll be climbing up again. My experience is that as time goes on, the peaks and valleys level out, not so extreme. Or maybe I'm just getting used to them, so they don't SEEM extreme. Who knows.

Well, gotta get on with my day. I will check later to make sure you are still around! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Spidey

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What's the latest, crazy woman?

Get yer butt (and knee) to the PT/orthopedist/sports medicine specialist!
You have a marathon to run in November, remember?!?!
If you're gonna need a couple weeks OFF, now's the time to do it, rather than September!
You might be able to "work through it" but then again, that might be the worst thing to do...

Arrrrrrrgghhh...



Yep, it sucks. And I'm constantly trying to analyze "where I'm at."
A very DOWN few days... and now I've decided I'm just NUMB... and I don't like it.

SHE, apparently, has dug her heels in and refuses to deal with the Reality that she has created. I'm detaching -- whatever it is -- more and more every day... I care less and less... but then I have a moment of clarity once in a while and go "oh yeah! you're still married! whaddyagonna do about that?" And I dread the pain of going through the process of D. As much as I want and need to put all this behind me -- as much as that's possible to do, and I still don't really know what that means -- I know there's a lot more pain and... well, CRAP... to go through.

And she's left it up to me to take care of it all. I try not to think about it, but... that's just... AMAZING to me... that she's left every bit of the dirty work to me.

But this little post is starting to get depressing... so let's perk things up a little, shall we?

They give me TWO towels at the gym now. A regular size towel for sweat, and an extra-large towel for drool. Thoughtful of them, I think. The problem is... I'm a very healthy, red-blooded male with a very healthy libido. Let's just say that there's an EN that I'm sorely missing... in fact, I've decided that YES, you can DIE from lack of SF! You can!!

And ya know what REALLY sucks?

Perhaps... hopefully? as a BS I'm not all that different... but I was thinking about how the BS gets SO ripped off... in SO many ways... let me explain, and then I'll shut up:

I'm forced to start my life over again. Didn't have an opportunity to say anything about it.
Didn't have any warning... didn't get a head start like the WS did...

Fine. I accept it. Marriage over. Time to start over again.
But on her way out -- which took FOREVER -- she decided she had to gut me, shoot holes in my ego, shred my self-esteem, and slice and dice my self-confidence with women!

She COULD have just LEFT. It would've been more thoughtful.

So, anyway... I've decided to be proactive, and simply EXTRACATE myself from this tortuous gym situation. I found this really cute little workout room at the Retirement Home not too far from me. They don't even HAVE towels there!

And by the way, shuffleboard is NOT as easy as it looks.