Spidey... "pity party/awful/etc..."
Then you describe all the great stuff you've been doing...?!?
I'm confused!

And "Mya" is a pretty cool name for a cat, btw... :-)

I KNOW!!! That was her name at the shelter. I almost went for this other girl that was named Xena, but . . . she didn't like me the way Mya does. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know I am doing all the right things, but I have gained 3 pounds! Ugh. Oh well.

So . . . what's going on over there??? You shared NOTHING of YOU . . . I'm waiting *patiently* . . .

Spidey

Obviously... whatever I said went IN one ear, I mean eye, and OUT the other...
It's MUSCLE, Spidey...

CERTAINLY a woman of your stature has more to worry about than 48 piddly little ounces, anyway!
And now that you have Mya to think about... she will SENSE all that stress in you, and probably start binging and purging and become all SORTS of messed up and unruly...

Hey, that reminds me... how's your dog doing? And how does Mya think your dog is doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Five points for me for even asking, by the way, because I've absolutely trained myself not to think about the dogs that I lost, and loved so much. Anything having ANYthing to do with dogs - articles in the paper/magazines, commercials, whatever... I'm VERY good at tuning OUT in a nanosecond.
Is that healthy(?)

Ummm... we should talk about something else, shouldn't we? :-)

The truth is, I'm figuring out that I'm not at my best when I'm single/unattached/alone.
I don't know... is needing/wanting a Significant Other in your life all that abnormal(?)
That's how I'm feeling, anyway. And I analyze the situation, and myself, and sometimes wonder if there's something wrong with me because I feel that need so strongly.

Maybe it's because I'm happiest when I'm "giving" -- and I have no one to give to. (and I don't mean the Red Cross or the Salvation Army...)

I guess what I'm saying is that none of my needs have been met in a long, long time...
But, I'm technically still married, so I'm technically not supposed to actively pursue another relationship, so.... it all pretty much sucks.

It's not that I don't have enough to keep myself busy... I have too much.. but it's more like I feel I'm in limbo... at a roadblock... because lots of the things that are keeping me busy don't make as much sense anymore, and there are lots of things I want to do which, if I "do them," will define the rest of my life... at least in some ways, and for the foreseeable future.

And... I see the rest of my life including someone else... so this whole thing still feels so strange to me. I haven't been alone -- without someone to care about, think about, dream with -- since... 1975! That was when HSS came into the picture. And maybe UNfortunately, I haven't had a "dry spell" since.

Yikes! Spidey, how old were you in 1975?
And, ya know, I simply do NOT feel that old... not even REMOTELY close.

But, maybe I'm fine. Maybe this is just part of the process of Starting Over Again. Maybe I'm just feeling the normal frustrations and growing pains that go along with all this mess... part of the deal.

I know I've been rambling, but you asked :-)

ps. thanks for asking, Spidey... it felt pretty good to get The Rambler cranked up and running <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Grover is doing the same. Mya sometimes thinks that he is a threat to her, and she hisses and poofs up and sometimes swats at him. Which creates a lot of noise with him growling and barking, and her hissing more. She has to know he is no threat, though. Whenever she swats at him, he is literally just walking by, being his usual self, and most likely has no clue she is even there. I think it scares him more than anything else. It's actually pretty comical. Then the chinchilla got out on Saturday morning, and I am still afraid Mya will think she is "prey," so that caused some drama. I shut Mya in DS12's room, as he was still sleeping. DS13 and I closed all doors and tried to coach Suzie-Q (the chinchilla) back into her home. *sigh* This is when we found out that given enough time, Mya can get a bedroom door open. Luckily it all worked out, though.


Heck, I give you 15 points! You deserve them.


You are just now figuring this out??? Little slow on the uptake, are you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />


I don't think it is abnormal at all. However, while that is not a viable option for you at this particular juncture in your life, finding some peace in your unique "holding pattern" is very important. You could truly learn some new things about yourself. I believe you are in the sitch you are in because there is something you need to learn. And until you learn it, your sitch won't change much. I do truly believe that. So, while not abnormal, there must be a balance between what you want, what you NEED, and what you can currently have. This time is not forever. It is a necessary stage in your life that you must go through, so learn as much as you can while in it.


Well, in July of 1975, a certain Slayer in Idaho was blowing out 3 candles on her birthday cake.


I think you are Right On here. I think this is exactly where you are, what is going on, what you are feeling.


Yeah, I like getting mine cranked up every now and again as well. Of course, the Universe balances out my need with everyone else's tolerance, by losing some of my longer, more ramblier posts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I'm off to hit the gym this morning, again. Last week I did upper body weights twice! Which is twice more than I had done since joining my running group ~ yeah, last APRIL!!! I know I need to start the lower body. A couple things about that: 1)I don't like the way a lot of the leg machines feel on my legs. I don't feel that I am getting benefits, because the range doesn't feel good, or productive to me. 2)I feel that I do so much cardio, on my legs, that they get worked out a lot. If I have to pick and choose for time purposes, which I usually do, I would rather do my upper body that doesn't get worked out much ~ other than holding my arms up during runs. I think I would rather do isometric leg training ~ squats, calisthenics, etc. Those motions feel much more effective to me. What say you to this possibly flawed fitness thinking of mine???

Spidey

Spidey, what am I missing here...

What situation are you talking about?
I thought I was in the situation I'm in because my W had an affair and left (?)

I know I need to learn lots of things, and always did feel that need (and always will), but what is it I need to learn -- that "thing" that I need to learn before my situation changes?

I'm confused...

Is my holding pattern unique in the context of A's, failed M's, and the aftermath (?)
And I've learned a lot about myself, yes. But to be perfectly honest, I've learned more about relationships and character traits and lousy decision-making than anything else.

And the peace that I'm missing --- how does one achieve that in solitude if what is MOST missing in my life is someone to love and be loved by? I may FEEL like a celibate monk, but that doesn't mean it's something I aspire to be, or consider remotely healthy.

Still confused...

I'm not sure what that means.
If I NEED something, I want to go out and find it. If I WANT something, then I decide if it's important and how it fits into the scheme of things, and if it still makes sense, I THEN want to go out and find it. What I HAVE, in this context, is not enough. And I want AND need -- companionship, love, et al... I thought that's pretty much what Harley is saying? Why, because I'm now "single," do my needs change?

Made necessary because my W left me.
But what you're saying is, it was all in the cards -- it was part of The Master Plan for my life(?)
(Maybe so.... far be it from me to question that.)

There's something I need to learn before I'm worthy of a genuine and rewarding relationship with a woman, and until I learn whatever that is... I'm sentenced to live my life without that?

Spidey, you're confusing me...

Methinks you KNOW it's, IMVVVVVHO, a little flawed...
But I'm not an expert by any means (particularly on the distance running part of the equation), so I did a little more research... and to be honest, what I read makes sense (to me, anyway!)

I think in your situation (with the knee), it's important to think about gaining strength/developing the supporting muscles/ligaments/tendons (I know you know that), and resistance exercises fit the bill. You can run a 1000 miles/week, but still not hit (develop/strengthen) the whole works...

Anyway... I found a GREAT article on the subject, which I'll copy/paste into the next post. The last part "A Stellar Example..." caught my eye (the first paragraph of that section -- this guy was thinking/saying exactly what you were, and he's a world-class marathoner. So you're in good company :-) )

Per last post....

Strength Training for Runners
by Doug Lentz, C.S.C.S.

There are at least three good reasons for distance
runners to acquire a sizeable level of general
strength in both the legs and the upper body. First,
workloads of greater intensity can be managed more
easily. Second, greater muscular strength decreases
the risk of joint injury or overuse strain by
minimizing connective tissue stress (bone, ligament,
tendon, or cartilage) which plays a part in
maintaining joint integrity. Third, a progressive
resistance exercise program helps strengthen these
connective tissues, making the entire support system
more durable.

Why Weight Train?

As an example of the benefits strength training can
provide, recent studies have shown that as few as six
weeks of proper weight training can significantly
reduce or completely relieve kneecap pain or "runner’s
knee." It also reduces the recurrence of many other
common injuries, including nagging hip and low back
pain. By strengthening muscle, as well as bone and
connective tissue (ligaments attach bone to bone; and
tendons attach muscle to bone), weight training not
only helps to prevent injury but also helps to reduce
the severity of injury when it does occur.

In addition to injury prevention, weight training
improves performance. Studies show that with as little
as ten weeks of weight training, 10K times decrease by
an average of a little over one minute. The research
has also shown that running economy defined as the
steady-state oxygen consumption for a standardized
running speed (milliliters per kilogram body weight
per minute), will be improved due to weight training.
By improving running economy, a runner should be able
to run faster over the same distance due to a decrease
in oxygen consumption. Improved running economy would
also increase a runner’s time to exhaustion.

Developing Training Cycles and an Annual Plan

Intelligent strength training for runners is based on
the idea of periodization. Periodization is the
gradual cycling of blocks of time in which
specificity, intensity, and training volume are varied
to achieve peak levels of fitness. Dave Martin, Ph.D.,
in his book Better Training for Distance Runners,
(Human Kinetics, Inc., 1997, Champaign, IL, 435 pp.),
describes three components of a strength training
period. A macrocycle is a developmental period of
considerable length directed towards peaking at
maximum performance fitness. For many athletes this
requires nearly a year.

A training macrocycle is divided into several smaller
developmental periods called mesocycles. A mesocycle
has a specific developmental objective, such as
increased lactate threshold or increased strength. A
mesocycle lasts anywhere from a few weeks to a few
months. All mesocycles consist of at least one
microcycle that is a period of roughly one to two
weeks during which a meaningful block of training
provides balanced development for the runner.

Strength training for the runner can be divided into
three time periods–pre-season, in-season and
post-season. During these blocks of time, the volume
and number of sets performed changes to keep pace with
the different seasonal demands that running presents.

The greatest benefits of strength training for runners
should be gained during the pre-season. This is the
time to maximize your strength for the upcoming race
or higher-mileage season. Volume (sets times
repetitions) should be the highest during this time of
year, which compliments the lower running mileage.
When trying to increase strength maximally, a protocol
of three sets per exercise (with about a two minute
rest between sets), and five to six repetitions per
set has been shown to be most effective for athletic
populations.

A common mistake would be utilizing a repetition load
that is too light. Determining the amount of weight to
use is somewhat a trial and error process. The last
repetition should feel as if you couldn’t do another.
If your last repetition seems easy, add five to ten
percent more weight. Total body training two to three
times a week during the pre-season will suffice,
giving adequate time for full recovery after workout.

The in-season for most runners comprises the greatest
portion of the year. It could last from mid-April to
mid-October. Even for non-racers, this time of year
would be those months in which you do most of your
running volume. The goal of the in-season strength
program is to maintain as much strength as possible.
In-season lifting mainly requires one to two
weight-training sessions per week with only one to two
sets of eight to ten repetitions per exercise. Take
great caution to avoid overtraining by either lifting
too much volume (sets times repetitions) or too much
frequency (number of workouts per week) during the
in-season.

The final third of the training calendar is referred
to as the post-season. For most runners the
post-season is from mid-October to mid-January. For
competitive runners, post-season starts when your
racing season is over. For those who do not compete,
these are the months immediately following your peak
mild weather months. In either case the first four
weeks of the post-season are a time to recover. During
this time, weight training can be performed two times
a week consisting of only one set of eight to 12
repetitions of each exercise with adequate rest
periods between sets. After four weeks of recovery,
increase your weight training volume to two to three
sets of each exercise with 60 to 90 second rest
intervals.

Setting Up the Program

So, how do you go about designing the most effective
progressive-resistance exercise program to improve
running performance? What type of equipment should be
used–body weight, free weights or machines? The answer
to this question is probably a combination of all
three. There is no single method that can be shown to
be unequivocally superior. The runner’s competition or
peak running schedule dictates how those time periods
are used. There are, however, at least six key factors
that should be included in an appropriate training
program:

Train regularly, failure to do this is close to a
waste of time. Give each body part attention about
three times a week.

Train the muscle groups most in need of conditioning
that will be of greatest benefit to running. For
example, if you followed a body builder’s weight
training routine you will probably find minimal, if
any improvement, in running performance. Quite
possibly, running performance would diminish.

Ensure muscle balance by training antagonists as well
as agonist muscle groups. Agonist muscles are defined
as the muscle or muscles most directly involved with
bringing about a movement (also known as prime
movers). Antagonist muscles are the muscle or muscles
that can slow down or stop a movement. Antagonist
muscles assist in joint stabilization.

Provide a progressive overload stimulus. In other
words, you must progressively place greater than
normal demands on the exercising musculature for
desired increases in strength to occur.

Work the muscles throughout their full range of
movement so that strength gains occur in the full
range of motion. Failure to do so could result in
injury.

Allow adequate time between training sessions for
recovery and physiological adaptation to occur.

A simple set of dumbbells can be used at home for an
effective strength training program. See the box above
for a typical program for a runner to work a variety
of muscle groups.

It is important that exercises be performed properly
with attention to posture, breathing, and adequate
time given to each repetition. A runner should use all
the components of an effective weight-training program
during all phases of the three-season year. It has
been my experience that carefully manipulating the
volume, duration, frequency, and intensity of the
weight training exercises to compliment your running
calendar is of utmost importance. Although we prefer
to utilize multi-joint exercises (more than one joint
moves to help perform the action) whenever possible,
this "periodized" approach to weight training will
probably yield positive results with any form of
resistance training–and will pay off with improved
running performance.

Typical Strength Training Program for a Runner

Muscle Group:
Exercise
Quadriceps, hamstrings, hips
Squats, Dead Lifts,
and Lunges
Calves
Heel Raises
Shoulders
Shoulder Shrugs
Upper Back
Dumbbell Rows
Chest
Elevated Feet
Push-ups
Biceps
Curls
Triceps
Triceps Kickbacks
Lower Back
Superman
Exercise (lie
stomach down, lift
feet and arms like
superman flies)
Gluteals and hamstrings
Good Morning Lift
(basically a dead lift
with bent legs)


A Stellar Example–Steve Spence’s Story

In 1990, I had the pleasure of working with Steve
Spence who was on his way to becoming a legitimate
world class marathon contender. Steve is an excellent
athlete who was familiar with resistance training and
believed that strength could play some role in his
running program. He was using Nautilus-type equipment,
performing single sets of high repetitions. He did not
lift to muscular fatigue, stopping at about 20
repetitions because that "seemed right." His work
focused on upper body strength. Steve reasoned that as
an endurance athlete, he must need loads of muscular
endurance to be successful. He also believed that his
leg strength would come from running and that legwork
wasn’t necessary.

Recent research supports what we thought would happen
with Steve Spence when in 1990 his weight-training
program was changed applying the strength-training
concepts in this article. Treadmill tests done at Dave
Martin, Ph.D.,’s laboratory at Georgia State
University in Atlanta, a year after changing his
program, showed that Steve’s stride at a
five-minute-mile pace had lengthened from 70 to 73
inches. This computes to a saving of close to a mile’s
worth of strides in a 2:11 marathon. During Steve’s
career as a world class marathoner he was known as a
strong finisher reflecting gains in running economy
due to strength training. In the 1991 World Champions
Marathon in Tokyo, Steve was in 15th place, 50 seconds
behind the leaders at the half way point. Spence ran
the last half of the race faster than anyone else and
ended up with a bronze medal.

AR&FA Clinic Advisor and Editorial Board Member Doug
Lentz, CSCS, is the Director of Fitness and Wellness
for the Chambersburg Health Services in Chambersburg,
PA. His last article in "Running & FitNews" on
strength training without equipment was disseminated
during the Persian Gulf War to keep our troops in
shape.

Doug is a former triathlete, turned duathlete, turned
cyclist, as well as competitive Olympic Style
Weightlifter. Since graduating from Penn State
University in 1981, Doug has trained elite, amateur,
and professional athletes in 14 different sports.

Copyright, American Running and Fitness Association.

Spidey, please just check in to say you're ok... ok?

^ ^ ^

Hey there! I'm OK. Sorry I haven't been around lately, but I have been doing some important Spidey work on my M and myself. I was going through a time where I was noticing only all of H's flaws, all the flaws in our M, and not looking at the positive things. And I was really down on myself for the running/knee/marathon/fitness/weight thingie. But no more!!!

I had some great talks with some great people in my life (one of my elderly clients, actually ~ she is very wise), and read some great material. I am beginning to realize (again?) that along with my M, I myself need lots of kindness and TLC ~ from myself. I don't know where I got the idea that I had to "whip" myself into shape, or my M into an impossible ideal, but I had bit into that concept somewhere, and it is hard to let go.

Anyway, 'nuff 'bout me, what's up with you? How is Plan F going?

Spidey

Hi Spidey, glad to hear you're ok.
I did sense that some "stuff" was going on, and you needed time away.
And take MORE time... but when you DO decide to go AWOL, tonight, tomorrow, for a week, or forever... just do me a favor and say "Hey! I'm outta here!" -- and then at least I won't worry about you so much. :-)

Spidey, what's up with me is pretty much this:
I've been in major beat-myself-up mode for a while, too. And I'm very good at it.

Plan F? After more "nothingness" from VSTBXWWW for a month or so, I sent her an email simply asking her if it was she or her lawyer holding things up. Four days later (yesterday), I got a fairly lengthy reply.... scathing, venomous, convoluted... as bad as she's ever been. Digging up old c r a p that she hasn't spewed out since more than a year ago, rewriting history more than ever, etc. I wasn't surprised at the uh, wackiness, of it, but I was very surprised to see that she, apparently, has gotten NOwhere -- inside herself, I mean.

I WAS past the point of feeling sorry for her, maybe in part because I just assumed she was doing fine and was well on her way with her new life. She's supposed to be happier now... wasn't that whole idea?? But this email from her.... if I let myself, I can feel very, very sorry for her again. But I can't go there... I just can't.

All for now. Thanks for checking in, Spidey.... I WAS worried about you.

I know how you feel. I used to feel such conflict inside myself because on the one hand, I was very angry at FWH (during the separation) for leaving, but I was also very compassionate about how unhappy he apparently was. I felt like I had the support of friends and family, but he was just left flapping out in the wind ~ by his own choice.

I finally had to realize that he is a grown adult, and he made these choices in his life. I still had compassion for him, I felt bad that he had made such a wreck out of his life, but I am also an adult, and I make my own decisions about my happiness. And at that point, I had very little respect of H left. I think that is key. So my compassion went from wanting to take care of him and hold him and help him, to knowing I was going to be OK and I didn't need to have negative feelings toward him anymore. Because I was angry and hurt and it was ugly with my FWH for a while. My pride was a nasty force to be reckoned with, I tell you!


This seems to me, as I understand such things, that she doesn't like where she is right now, and is trying to justify/rationalize how it is all your fault. You are just going to have to do the "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you" routine, I'm afraid. There is no other choice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

So, in between the scathing, did she happen to mention her timeline to you? What is your backup plan if she has gone as far as she is going to go?


What is up with us??? Why don't I treat myself with the same compassion and love and respect that I treat my friends with? Where did we learn this concept of self-abuse? It's hard to change, too! I know I won't change instantly overnight, but I am just beginning to realize how deep my beliefs go about myself, and the way I think and feel about myself ~ the dialogue in my own head that I am literally just becoming aware of. Oh well. Gotta start somewhere, right?

Spidey

Spidey, all I'm gonna say tonight is this...

Serious question:
Do you really not know where you learned that concept? Or do you think maybe you have a pretty good idea when/where/how you learned it? "It" and all things related?

I've spent a lot of time asking myself the same questions, and I think I've figured out some things. How to deal with the answers is Step 2.

I'm a lot further behind you, because I am just beginning to understand these concepts I have of myself. Part of it is that as I was growing up, when I felt rejection or disappointment from my parent(s) (it's always the parents' fault, isn't it???), I could control that feeling by putting it upon myself ~ that it was my fault I didn't feel loved or attention. That if I were better, prettier, skinnier, etc., they would be a perfect family and not divorce and not fight.

I don't think it is important to become hung up on the past, but I think it is useful to understand where I got these hang-ups, and how I have carried them with me through the years, unknowingly. As a kid, it was my survival mechanism, my way of exerting control over a situation that I had very little control over.

But I am an adult now! Remember? I growed up. I am learning to turn my thinking around, and love meself.

Can you believe I just had the epiphany the other day (about 2 days ago, actually) that I am just as wonderful at this weight, that I would be at my natural weight??? I just realized this. I equated my self-worth with my ability to restrict myself from things I like on a diet. If I was doing well on a diet, then I was a good person. If I wasn't doing well, I was a bad person. I literally thought that. It is hard thinking to change.

Since you have given this some thought, where do you think you "learned" your self-abuse from?

Spidey

Uh-oh.... who started THIS subject? It's a biggie! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
We don't even have the FIRST book on the shelves yet!

Right up front I'll say this... not only is it a huge subject, it's also difficult to talk about -- both from an emotional standpoint, and because it can be complicated!

So, if you're interested in kicking this stuff around a little, let's take it in small bites... ok?

Exactly what I was going to say. Almost word-for-word.

And... unfortunately, one thing that comes to mind JUST now is my memory of trying to have a conversation with VSTBXWWW about this (and I pretty much said EXACTLY what you said), and guess what? She got all sorts of weird and shut it down pretty fast. The general topic -- our past, and what it means to us today as adults -- seemed to threaten her. Go figure.

We'd better refine that term ("self-abuse"), before anyone gets the wrong idea. Yes, it really does get to the point of "emotional self-abuse" -- at least during the worst times. But let's just call it "being overly hard on oneself." (for now, anyway)
I believe it's an accepted fact that a person's personality, character traits, etc. are pretty much SET in early childhood. (I had a conversation with my mother about this not too long ago; she's been involved in early childhood education for... a LONG long time, and she said "about 6 years old.") Whatever... when you're 45 years old, 3 and 6 and 9 and 12-years-old are pretty much the same thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, well, where ELSE would one learn how to treat themselves? From "their environment," right? Including all people, close or otherwise, face-to-face or in the media... events, words, actions, et al... everything that makes up that environment.

I'll stop the gibberish for now by saying this (a little more gibberish <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)...

the aftermath of the A and destroyed M has, for me and I'm sure everyone, included a LOT of soul-searching, and a LOT of thinking about not only what role I may have played in the demise of things, but also about how I've been impacted by what happened -- and how I'm handling things now.
IOW... "it's done THIS to me, and why? And now in the process of recovering and rebuilding/restarting Life #2, I'm having trouble with THIS, and why?"

I'm really not as weird as I sound <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Just trying to sort some things out.

I want to get back to this stuff that you wrote, before it goes any further into outer space and forgotten...

Yes, I think so. I'm just so surprised that she seems to be EXACTLY where she was a year ago. Even FURTHER back than that -- back to the 10 months of he|| and turmoil that we went through after D-Day, and then after she finally left.
I dunno... STILL nothing adds up. But... I'm allowed to say, and am getting real close to feeling it: "who cares?"

Timeline? HA! No... no timeline. It's so screwed up, but not worth talking about. I guess after all this, I'm STILL going to have to "do it right" and get the legalities of it all DONE. Even though she's the one with the attorney, and I've said from the beginning we do NOT need to pay attorneys to accomplish the objective...................


MORE importantly... THIS:
THAT makes me happy :-)
And Spidey... excuse me for a second while I "pass judgement" on that... THAT to me is:

"Superior Thinking." :-)

And I'm QUITE serious.

So... how can you STAY with that thought process, and not let yourself down by succumbing to LESS than superior thinking.. for the long haul???

For me, this is totally new stuff. I was looking for a Clep book for my H at the library the other day, and happened upon a book by accident by a lady named Geneen Roth, called, "When Food is Love." I have never read anyone talk about things that I have thought myself, and never shared. I never shared because I was scared or ashamed ~ as you know, I'll share just about anything with anybody. I didn't even realize I was thinking these things. This woman has such a gift for expressing these things. Anyway, it was as if blinders had been removed from my eyes, and I see things in totally different ways.

I was excited to get up this morning! Excited to welcome this new day. I cannot tell you (literally!) when the last time that happened to me. I'm sure as a kid (3 or 6 or 12 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />, at 33 it is all the same!) I was excited when I woke up . . .

And, I don't think any of this would have been possible a few years ago, before the A. Before that, I was convinced that my happiness was tied to another person. First it had been my mother, then to my H when I met him. I don't think I would have understood Geneen's words as well if I was still convinced that I couldn't be happy without SOMEone in my life.

I am now realizing that everything I want and need, I can give to myself. Nurturance, caring, love. It is great if I get them from my friends and family, too, but I can't count on getting that from anyone when I NEED it, besides myself.

Also, Geneen has workshops and retreats. I asked H to go to a reatreat, it is kinda pricey, though. I am having a hard time justifying the expense, although it is less than sending DS to DU this summer. And it is close to the holidays, when money is tight anyway. BUT, if it will lead me further down the path I want to go, further from the self-destructive way of thinking and feeling that have been so ingrained in me, I really think it will be worth it. My H is completely supportive of me. He thinks it is a good deal, and he wants me to go if I want to.

Enough about me! On to your VSTBXWWW,

As I understand such things from my H, she is heavily trying to justify herself, probably just to herself! Talk about a rat stuck in a wheel. She is just going around and around in her thinking right now, IMO. I am SOOOOO glad you removed yourself from her chaos when you did. She apparently has a very high tolerance for chaotic thinking, and isn't showing any signs of recognizing and utilizing the exit door she keeps passing. Exit for her meaning, getting off the wheel, and making some decisions ~ consciously. Not just reacing from one thing to the next. At least you know you are choosing these decisions, MAKING them, not just reacting to her anymore.

It does surprise me, too, because the literature I have read indicates that it is hard for us humans to live in that constant state of anxiety/anger/fear. BUT, I have heard of other WWS's who have done the same, most notably believer's WH. He won't end the A, won't D, just continues to blow fog.

Anyway, are you saying you are beating yourself up for your VSTBXWWW's A, and/or the demise of your M? I can understand that. I know I felt responsible for a long time, and I might still carry some of that baggage around, and just haven't noticed yet. But you think this is a pattern for you? You are hard on yourself for other things, too? Well, enquiring mine, er, I mean, MINDS, want to know!

Spidey

Hey Ms. Slayer...
I decided to celebrate the end of the work week by getting a miserable cold, and then decided to get zero sleep just to make sure I'm as out-of-it as possible <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Ugh.

Not thinking very clearly, but will check in later, after getting my act together...

Yikes, Spidey!
SEND me some of that stuff! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

A minor threadjack/interjection - Geneen Roth has a regular column in Prevention magazine! Quite right - she is very good.

Right on! I decided to drink lots of beers and go out with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, I drank too many beers and couldn't stay awake to hit all the stores we were supposed to shop at. *sigh* Oh well. It was fun while I was awake!!!

I woke up excited and happy again this morning, albeit a tad hung over. It is a bit hard to type while my kitty is trying to get her morning lovin's, too. She is such a cutie. Except when she eats my plants or thinks my legs/feet are playtoys ~ then she is wet, because I squirt her, because that is the only thing she is afraid of! I can shout no in a loud, startling way, and she just carries on, not even flinching, munching down on one of my beautiful house plants. But she sees me get that squirt bottle, and she takes off. I am getting very good at hitting a moving target with a stream of water.

Yesterday, I rode my bike to the gym, and I did cardio on the elliptical. Then, I went to the weight room. Guess what I did . . . I did a leg machine! I have also been doing pilates leg exercises. I have to say, that the pilates leg exercises and squats and wall sits make my legs feel more sore the next day than the machines do. But, I was VERY proud of myself for getting back on the leg machines. I haven't been on them in years, and I think I had some negative self-talk about getting back on them. So I just said, "Just do it if you want to do it!" and I did. HMM!!!

Well, I better go. Mya is back for more lovin's, and she is stepping on my keyboard in her glee.

Spidey

Spidey, since I still feel like, uh... You-Know-What, I thought I'd just post a picture of me and let it speak a couple thousand words...

http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_pictures/grail/large/HolyGrail024.jpg

I'd tell you which one was me, but... I can't tell for sure.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

See ya tomorrow.

That picture reminds me of a scene from "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," when each time they have a thought, they get whacked in the face with a paddle. So, somebody says, "Don't think anything." Whack whack whack . . .

Hope you are feeling better soon. Chat at you later.

Spidey