I was wondering how do you get over that fact that the dreams you held w/ your spouse are gone? H has Oc w/ ow but we don't have any. I feel very bitter and anger at times that things I thought were rightfully mine and our future childrens are not any longer. At times it gets to a point where i feel I don't want any children w H because I don't want them to grow up in a blended family( I did and didn'tLike it at all) or grow up believeing H behavior is ok since we have accepted oc in family. Am I wrong for my feelings? And how do I get to a place that I come to terms w/ the reality of our life since I'm choosing to stay? I know it was a choice and I made it. I think it's whats best. I feel like the devil tried to destroy our marriage because something great can come from it. And I refuse to give him the victory! I'm still having a terribly hard time. Especially since oc is H first Child and I really wanted our first, everything to be experienced together. Please help.
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R U working with an MC on this issue? What were the agreemnts for his return when the OC was born? Can you be the go between for your H and OC? Or can you use a 3rd party to bring the child to you?

Is your H using this as an excuse to continue the A?

L.

Orchid,
It's alittle different for us than most I guess. i didn't find out about A or OC until we moved overseas and oc was already 1 years old. Great way to adjust to a foreign country huh? We don't really have any agreements. As for a third party bringing the child that might be possible. Wehn we went to visit Oc we went together to pick him up and that seemed fine. Honestly I don't think he's having an A still but I didn't think he ws for the first 3 1/2 year we were married. As for me being the go between the Ow and I don't really get along to well. After we ow and i had a falling out H has done primary contact. So how can we change the flow now that its been going on for so long?

Find a intermediary. Some agencies have professional contacts. The main thing is NOT to have your H as the contact. Is he the contact by his choice?

L.

Orchid,
Yes he's the primary contact by his choice. When they talk there is no conflict. however almost always when ow and I converse we end up in a heated discussion or agitated at the end of the conversation.It's just really weird for me beause when we are both home he's always so busy w/ work and what not that he hardly calls unless I prompt him to call and say hello or he'll call on the weekends but when I was gone it seemed like he talked to her every other day for a little while. And one time it was like 350minutes. You can't really tell me that was all about OC. I just don't know what to believe or think anymore.

He is having a very controlled EA at the least. You decide whether you want to be involved in it.

L.

If he is having a controlled Ea or andy type of A still how do I address it w/ out causing more problems for our marriage? I know he loves me and I love him. His contact w/ Oc makes me uncomfortable because its always through ow.

Let's keep this simple. If he really loves you, then you would not be feeling this way. He w/b meeting your needs and rebuilding your trust.

Since that is not happening, then what are you going to do? Plan A is done already, right? If not, finish it properly and procede to plan B.

Make sure you give both the needed time. What about the 3rd party option?

What is keeping him the M?

L.