Hello Bear,

Well unfortunately I also had a hand in helping her into the club life. I wasn't as strong a Christian as I am today, in fact I would probably say I wasn't even a Christian. I was a good man, but not the man of God I was supposed to be. WW and I would go the clubs occasionally but I didn't get much out of it. It doesn't do anything for me. That's when WW started to go out with the girls. Her best GF has the most influence on WW, and get this. Best GF was "unhappy" in her M, so what did she do? Dumped her H and started clubbing and found another guy. Now I have known best GF as long as WW, almost 10 years. I thought I knew her, and maybe she was really unhappy, I don't know. All I do know is that my WW is doing the exact same thing, however our M was not bad. It came down to boundaries and the life she is now choosing, not because of EN's I didn't meet.

Hindsight... I now kick myself for allowing me and WW into this lifestyle. However I didn't know that she wouldn't be able to handle it. I guess I didn't know her as well as I thought I did.

I also think that this "lifestyle" will not last. I also know that she is losing her family and friends, the good ones at least. I only hope there is some turmoil inside her that actually sees what she is doing.

Hello Y,

I believe that I'm also nearing the time when I give her up to God. I truly hope that it doesn't come to that. However as we all know we can't control our Sp's. MIL and I are praying every night in Dec. and come Jan. we are giving her into the Lords hands to do his will. Every night I pray for God to remove her "blinders". I pray a hedge of fire that will consume all that comes near her that is not of God.

Bear and Y, I truly appreciate your thoughts as you both seem to have a somewhat similar experience.

Bear what's up with you lately?

Standing so did you just plan B your H and completely let him go? Can you be more specific on what you did, besides praying?

Native,

I found MB in the middle of October after he had left. Learned everything I could, bought HNHN & SAA. Started plan A'ing whenever he was around. I joined Restore Ministries & received a prayer partner & we started to pray for each other. I stopped posting on GQ board & started posting on Prayer Request forum & started following the advice of other Christians. I prayed the hedge of thorns every day, asked God to change me & help me see what I had done to destroy my M. Slowly He started opening my eyes to what sins *I* had committed & boy, was it an eye-opener! I stopped gossiping about my H, telling everyone I could think of how horrible he was behaving. I stopped my self-righteous behavior & looked at my sins, focused on that, instead of his sins & what he was doing.

Of course I missed him, of course I thought about him all the time, but the more I focused on God, the less I had time to worry about him. I still saw him all the time b/c he would be there to see our kids. He had a room, not an apartment, so it was difficult for him to spend any quality time w/our kids w/o them becoming bored. So he would come by just to watch them play in their own house.

When H was around, I stopped talking so much. I started to listen. I showed an interest in HIM & stopped all R talk. I read my Bible every day, specifically Psalms for comfort & Proverbs for wisdom. I studied the chapters on what it looked like to be a biblical W & I asked God to help me become like that woman. I didn't call my H, only when it concerned something w/the kids.

After a while, when it became too painful for me to even be his friend, I told him that I needed to back off of him for a while. That I couldn't see him in person anymore. I had requested, and he agreed, that he should beep to pick the kids up & drop them off w/o coming inside. Neither one of us liked that, but it was necessary for ME as it was too painful to watch him pull away each time, knowing he wasn't going to return. I started to do things w/friends & family while the kids were gone so I wouldn't be in the house by myself. I liked it. I liked having the independence to come & go as I pleased while the kids were busy doing other things. So, in essence, it wasn't a true plan B according to Harley, however, it was my own form I guess.

After a while, my H started to miss the friendship that we had shared. He started to think of what he was giving up & it started to draw him back home. After I started IC, my C wanted to meet w/my H to see "where his head was at". H agreed, only for my benefit. He "wanted to help me get over him". After a few weeks in therapy, & seeing that my H didn't want to go to MC, I backed away from him completely. I sat down & had a long talk w/him & told him goodbye. I followed it up w/a letter. That I was still willing to work on the M, but if he wasn't willing, than I needed some space to heal from this tragedy.

He continued to miss the friendship & started to fence sit. When I tried to force his hand, he got upset w/me, but after I calmed down & really listened to him talk, he thought about things. He could see the changes I had made & wanted to "check them out" for himself to see if I was being true or manipulative to "get him back". He agreed to move back home & called the OW to tell her it was over. That if she didn't hear from him, that she was to assume that he was working things out w/me. He returned on 2/19/04 & is still here.

Most of what kept me going was my faith that God was going to restore my M, I just didn't know when or how. But I never gave up the belief that it would be done. I didn't know what was going to happen, if we'd be D'd & then remarried or separated for a long time or reconcile w/in a few weeks or months. All I knew is that I believed God could do ANYTHING, even change my H's heart & I believed it, repeated it & repeated it to myself & read the Bible every day to keep my eyes focused on building a solid R w/Him first, b4 I even thought about reconciling. I looked at my H's lifestyle as a MLC of sorts, a sort of spiritual journey of his own & after trying to do things MY way & saw it wasn't working, I then decided to do things GOD'S way. It worked miracles when I just let Him take total control.

Thank you so much Still! I'm currently doing all the things you have stated. I pray and read the bible daily, go to church twice a week for peace and comfort. At the beginning of all this of course I got physically sick to my stomache when I knew she was going out for the night. Since I've started trusting in God, that doesn't happen anymore. I know that I had made some mistakes in my M, but I feel that this isn't an EN thing. Noodle, my MIL, my MC/IC, and I are all thinking that this is a maturity issues (a life lesson, whatever you want to call it), with all these different people coming to the same conclusion I find it hard to dismiss this as true.

I have asked God, others that are praying for me also, to do something in the month of December. At the end of the month I will be giving her to God, to let him do what he wants. I will pray for strength during my Plan B. And I hope it all that my M will survive this, but only God knows these things.

While it is very wise to pray to God to help your WW open her eyes and recommit to the marriage, keep in mind that God will NOT violate your WW's right to choose between what is right and what is wrong. Instead, give your body, mind and soul to God so that your actions will reflect HIS presence. No matter what the outcome of your marriage happens to be, YOU are going to be the winner.

TMCM

P.S. Don't forget to thank God. Most people only give thanks to God during the good times but never during the bad times. Don't be one of these people.

TMCM,

Your absolutely right, everyone here has freewill. And ultimately my WW will have to make her choice. Of course prayers can put pressure on her to wake up from her fog. She has to choose me and the family, I wouldn't want it any other way.

I'm thanking him daily that he hears my prayers and that his will be done. And thanking him for making me into a new man and that I have the strength to live the way he wants me to.

Thanks TMCM. Any thoughts from you on the MLC theory?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by native00:

Thanks TMCM. Any thoughts from you on the MLC theory?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are most welcome. As far as the MLC theory is concerned, I would say that it would seem to apply if your WW was 10 years older. But in her situation I beleive it has more to do with the fact that she has let herself be seduced by the false image of life as a single person. Your WW has not faced the dark side of being single and that is the loneliness and the heartbreaks of failed relationships. Most single women are targets of predatory men that seek only their personal pleasure and once they have it, they throw them away for the next attractive lonely woman. Hopefully this won't be the case, but if your WW choses to divorce you, she will find this out in spades.

TMCM

I hear what your saying TMCM.

I have tried to tell my WW that in one hand she has me that loves her, wants a life with her, and wants to take care of her the best way I know how. In the other hand she has OM (at that point she cut me off and said your still on this OM) I continued and edited on the other hand you have these "guys" that only want one thing from you, and when their done there going to be with somebody else. I just don't understand you thinking.

After I told her this I went back to bed and we didn't talk about it. I truly hope that she will see this before it's too late. But only she can make the decision, I can't make it for her.

Thanks for you thoughts! I'm still praying and Plan Aing, Native