My story:

W left me this year to be with OM whose own W left HIM to live with OM. My conflict: While in reeling from the revealation of W's A last year, I was "befriended" by a co-worker, whose husband is also a colleague (and friend).

Long story short, As my M disintergrated, this woman's support and attraction to me increased. The more I avoided, the more she pursued. W even tried to "hook us up" once she decided she was done with me.

My problem is this- I have fallen very hard for this woman, despite all I believe and know. I have told her to STAY with her H. I'm now divorced and know that the fog is just that-fog. Still I've let her into my heart and, damnit, into my bed. I've visited her in the hospital when she was sick and was thanked by her H for being such a "good friend." I'm a reptile.

Ironically, Their M has a better chance than mine. She's become guilty and afraid of ending up a fog-addicted fool like my ex. He's seen his W slip away and has worked hard to regain her. They've both cited my experience and my insistance that they work on their M as the reason they're still together. I'm a snake.

I find it terrible that I can lay with another man's W and tell her "this won't work,please go stay with your H,. He's a good man" My anger, lonliness and desire have turned me into the very thing that has caused me such grief, the OM. I know the consequences, I don't want to ruin my friends' family, so why can't I stop crossing the line?

Moral? BS's on MB, watch what relationships you develop, especially while in Plan A/B or recovery. The fog IS contagious.

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 08:41 AM: Message edited by: Metamorpheus ]</small>

:::so why can't I stop crossing the line?

Because you don't want to. Your OW is already fogged up, or else she wouldn't have gone to bed with you when she had a perfectly wonderful H of her own. Try to remember how devastated you felt learning of your W's betrayal and face the cruel blow your "friend" has ahead of him now. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone someone I call a friend. YOur loneliness, your situation, you, you you - it's not enough. You have wronged another man horribly. You, above all others, knew it was profoundly wrong to "play this game" yet you let it happen? Do you feel better now? Is your ego restored - the one you used to have before your wife tore it to shreds? Oh dear, oh dear - clearly you know how terribly wrongly you've behaved. Time to make a stand as a decent human being. Time to do the really tuff stuff. I know it's in you. We can all hear it in your words. Now put your money where your mouth is. You are free to meet a lovely single woman now and have a proper and decent happy relationship. Let go of all this ugliness once and for all.

all the best
AN (ps, I had the offer of what you have done and though it was tuff, I refused to go there. A number of BS have the offer - some of us realise we are compounding our messy lives if we do)

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I know that right now you are very vulnerable, but please stop immediately and have no contact with this woman.

I am not preaching to you, because after almost 2 years of being the BS, I had a ONS. I still feel awful about it. But the OM was not married, thankfully.

You will find someone that is available, and will care for and love you. Please do not participate in destroying someone else's marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't want to ruin my friends' family, so why can't I stop crossing the line?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quite simply.....

IT'S AN ADDICTION.

Plain and simple. You are compromising yourself, your values, your "friend's" M, and any future for the satisfaction of the moment.

I once likened the A to a very intricately designed glass box. You can see out, and you can see what's going on. But you are compartmentalized - you cannot hear it, you cannot feel it. You can see what's around you, but you do not see beyond - you do not see the future. You are aware of what the consequences might be, but you feel "safe" in your little box with OP. After all, things inside the box feel good.

But sooner or later, the glass box will start to fracture. Maybe even just a crack......and you start to hear and feel a little of the outside world. You can try to heal that crack, and rationalize that it's OK.....but soon, more cracks will develop, and reality becomes too hard to deny.

D-day is a shattering of the box. Where all the glass pieces come falling down. All of a sudden the WS/OP feels everything that was outside the box. The hurt, the pain, the deceipt, the lies. It all floods in. And no longer are those feelings of "safety" and "goodness" there. You start to comprehend the reality of what you did.

You see, the feeling good part is the portion that is so addictive. If you have been in a bad place for so long, and are not strong enough personally to face it, you think you need that outside validation and lift. Not to mention that it is much easier to seek than having to really work hard through your own issues. The A is the easy alternative.

But really it is not. It's just easier at the time. When your glass box shatters, you will experience the withdrawal, self hatred, self loathing, guilt, remorse, and overall pain of your actions. And then, in order to heal yourself, you will have to go back and do all the hard work you should have done in the beginning. The A is just a 'distraction' from having to face the hard work that needs to be done.

It's odd, because already you have some cracks in your box.....But you are doing your best to seal them. I wish I could tell you an easy way out of it. But there is none. Right now, you are able to see and understand that you might have to face all of that sometime. And the idea is horrific - so you continue, because it feels better. Horribly addictive cycle.

There is no easy way out of it. The only way out is to just "do" it. Like quitting a drug - you just have to stop, and commit to not ever picking up that habit again.

Just out of curiosity, why did you choose to post this here? Are you seeking help? If so, then I at least commend you for being honest, and examining the alternatives to what you are going now.

Good luck, M.

I chose to post here b/c I need the support to stop doing something I know is wrong. I didn't cheat on my W the whole 20 years we were together. I DON'T feel validated by this. So it must be the addiction thing. I've come so close to telling the H. Right now I'm leaving my current job. I'm hoping the lack of contact will help me stay as committed to fidelity as I was when I was someone's Husband.

It's the addiction thing, and also the fact that you are very vulnerable right now. When you have been betrayed, your self-esteem is in the toilet. It feels so good to have someone want you. But like LIT said, that is the easy fix.

Stick with us and we will help you through this.

M,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I chose to post here b/c I need the support to stop doing something I know is wrong. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I truly hope you find and get the support you need. But honestly, I hope you are able to find it from within yourself rather than solely from posters here. The internal validation is more secure, independent, and stable. If you are able to find the strength within yourself, it will in turn give you strength and confidence to continue the more 'noble' path.

I truly hope that you are successful. And when the withdrawal hurts so very much, remember that it really does get better. And with NC will come strength - knowing that you did the right thing, even if it wasn't the easy path.

You have an opportunity to grow as a person from this. Please don't pass it up.

You wrote:
"They've both cited my experience and my insistance that they work on their M as the reason they're still together."

Then you wrote that you've been tempted to tell her H about your reptilian behavior with his W.

Maybe I'm just in a bad mood or something, but my radar is going off here. May I ask a few questions?

He doesn't know?
How long ago did you end the A? DID you end the A?
When is your last day at your current job, where she works?

If you're sincere, how about you tell her she has until January 1 to tell her H, or you're telling him? Or, do you think their marriage has a better chance if he doesn't know about the A?
PM

The irony is that I have cold turkey stopped seeing/talking to her. Within days, she's at my house at 3am begging to see me. I spend so much time alone and hurting, that I let her right back in.

sometimes her H and D come by. The kids play and we adults talk shop and Bible. I see them together and miss terribly what I had. I don't want to be a homewrecker. I'm worse than my ex's OM, at least he didn't know me. The fix is simple, but trust me, it's not easy...

M,

Have you not told her H because you already know it will likely end this?

Noodle

It will not be easy, but write her a no contact letter, and move on. You can find someone who is unattached and will be good to you. Please don't stay with someone who is a cheater.

In other words, you don't want to end it.

You don't have to end it, you know. It's your choice. You could always continue to be weakened when she pursues you. Put up a big fight first, of course, but then let her in your bed because you just can't resist.

She won't be able to spend a great amount of time with you, of course, because she'll be living this double life. You'll have to spend Christmas morning alone, since she will have to spend it with her poor, stupid husband who thinks you're a great friend who has helped save their marriage.

Yes, come to think of it, that's a great plan! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Moral? BS's on MB, watch what relationships you develop, especially while in Plan A/B or recovery. The fog IS contagious. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Guys/gals:

Don't be naive. This is a troll!

Troll! TOW/TOM is that way------------------->

Yuppers, Stanley. That's what my radar says.
PM

I haven't told him because he told me if he caught her cheating, he'd kill her. although he 's never apparently hit her, prior to their M, he had a horrible temper. Ironically, i'm the only man he dosen't mind her speaking with.

Oddly I've know both of them for years w/o the slightest attraction from either of us. Then I lost weight got a huge promotion started having M troubles and took a hard stand for my family. Each of these things she said, made me strong, sympathetic, commited and vulnerable. In short irresistable. I spoke to H about her attraction early this year b4 I started to become drawn to her. My talk about fog and :grass is greener" folly only made me look noble in his eyes. I finally caved when he threw her out for telling him she was in love with someone else. My W had filed and was already making plans with her OM.

I spent the night with her telling her that she would be making the mother of all mistakes to leave him nad that I couldn't start a relationship under those circumstances. I still held out that my M would work. But that night finally pulled me in. i should have called her H, sent her home and ended it all right then.

what's a troll?

Troll a visitor from the OW/OP boards. R U?

Question: What is the Ws doing at your home at 3am? Where is her H at that time?

L.

Met, will you answer my questions?

Also, you have an interesting spelling of your user name. Rather than Metamorphosis, you use the spelling associated with Orion's latest psycho CD.

You were married 20 years? May I also ask how old you are?
PM

Hey guys, i'm not asking for a medal but how about less sarcasm? The pain of my W's and subsequent Dv drove me into a suicidal depression for which I spent nearly 3 months in hospital and in recovery.

Guess who seached the city to find me?

Guess who spent a night away from home talking me down and getting me help?

Guess who visited me when my W would not even call?

Guess who took my kids out when I was too depressed to play with them?

She & her husband (and his mom) literally helped save my life. regardless of her motives, she proved more selfless than many other in my life. Because of that i'm grateful and don't want to cause a wonderful, albeit confused woman to lose her family. She can't fix me, but I thank God she was there to help me.

Does that make me worthy of derision?

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 03:38 AM: Message edited by: Metamorpheus ]</small>

Married 13, together 20. Meta Morpheus = beyond the dreamer, beyond the dream. Rhymes with metamorphosis (to change) I seek to change by rising from the dreams & nightmares fostered by My and my ex’s affairs.

What can I say? I was an English major in college.