How are you all handling the holidays?

Everything is triggering a bad memory. My husband is trying very hard to be a "man" and father/husband but it seems so fake because he used to hate everything I did for my kids/family over the holidays, he hated to be involved. He thought I was too into my kids/family and not enough into him. I wanted him to join me and the kids, be involved, actually particiapte with us. Instead of trying to be a family man, he cheated a million times with ONS. When he did participate, it was clear he didn't want to.

Now he is Mr. Christmas. Putting out Christmas lights on the house (when he used to literally hate me for even asking), buying Christmas presents (never bought one for anyone the last ten years), everything he hated me for asking/doing he is now going overboard with.

I want to scream at him "You like this now? This is important now?" You destoyed our lives/kids lives and you are NOW doing this stuff!! He made it so clear with his cheating that that stuff was not important. He has me convinced. I mean, it wasn't.

I on the otherhand, now think I was crazy for trying so hard to make things nice at Christmas for my family. I'm just not into. What good did any of that do but drive him away?

Same thing with the other family things...going to zoo, hayrides with the kids....I don't understand why that wasn't important before, or why he cheated on me because it was important to me. Now I'M trying to avoid these things b/c its so painful for me and he is going completely in the opposite direction.

Actually, we are going in completely opposite directions on everything. I used to stay home all the time, never wanted to go out, was happy at home with my kids, made my family my life (its all I wanted and enjoyed it). But now I'm afraid to invest in that again. When all his crap came out it shattered my whole life b/c my family was my only life. I'm afraid to go there again. So now I think its important for me to go out with friends, exercise and just generally take time for myself. He was out all the time, hated to be home. Now I hate being home, seeing him all the time and dealing with all the stuff I learned about him and what he did.

Spending money is another complete flip. I never bought myself a thing...now I see how self-sacrifing that was, it didn't make him happy, (he still cheated) so I'm not going to deny myself anything...not that I'm going crazy or anything. He ran up $20,000 in secret debt when he was cheating/hating me and the kids.

My kids must be so confused. I was complete everything/do everything and now he is taking that role and I'm shying away from it all. I can't bring myself to do the things he resented so badly.

A lot of it has to do with the fact that I am barely hanging on to my sanity and just can't think about anything but holding on.

Its like we switched personalities.

Its like, he set the rules and now they have changed.

I don't know.

Anyone else experience this?

Hi Mrs.N,

Welcome to Marriage Builders! And by the way... you are NOT a nobody here... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

How long has it been since you found out about your H's A? Did you guys go through any MC to help you both work through the issues surrounding his A?

I know the hollidays can be tough, especially when your dealing with the aftermath of an A... It sounds like your H's A is still fairly fresh in regards to you knowing...

Have you asked your H if he would be willing to start MC with you?

Semper Fi,
RIF

Mrs Nobody, I see this is your first post and just wanted to say welcome to MB. Sorry as to what brought you here, though.

This is hard for me to relate to because all I want to do is spend time with my husband this Christmas and that's not going to happen.

BUT...it's all a matter of perspective and I can see where this sort of stuff would bother you. Have you talked with him about this or are you worried about sounding like sour grapes? I guess my fear is that you are now the one at risk for an affair (not that you weren't always--everyone is)..but a lot of the triggers you are getting, etc...just a bit worrisome.

I feel that these are just triggers for you..bringing back bad memories instead of creating new, good ones. I wish I had some helpful advice to turn it the other way.

BTW..I don't think it's horrible for you to be wanting to do things for yourself. I think it's necessary and was probably a great part of your own healing process. Don't stop!

I've known since June. But its been 4-6 years of ONS and drug and alcohol addiction, and addiction to sex/porn. (He is foggy on the timeframe.)

I know it sounds strange, but I didn't know about any of it. He hid everything. I just thought he was sick of me. I thought it would get better. I begged him to tell me what was wrong. I suggested he see a doctor. I knew things weren't right, but I didn't know what was going on with him.

I grabbed onto one little thread and my whole marriage unraveled over 2 months.

Now he is in AA and went to rehab and I just don't trust this new man.

I say give him a chance. I'm the BS in my relationship, and all my WW says is that nobody is able to change and things can't get better. My Own Personally Opinion, if you loved him before, you should give it a chance. Remember this is coming from a hurt man who's hoping his wife still loves him, despite her A.
As for the holidays, I despise them this year.
Thanksgiving, I had to bury my grandmother and my WW wouldn't even come with me. She went to her family's for a while, then left to sleep with the OM!! it hurt alot.
I'm not condoning your WH's actions, but I can empathise with being selfish during the holidays. I always felt my wife cared more about her family then me. From what you posted, it looks like your husband is truly trying to change his behavior, for himself and you.

MrsN...

I get a little more where you're coming from now...

I'm not sure if this helps or not but I think it's TOTALLY normal what you're feeling and going through. It may not help your situation, but at least your feelings are validated! Every small positive change my husband makes, I am elated at first. But then when that wears off I'm kind of like..."so what? big deal? It doesn't make up for what you've done" Of course I'm not still with my husband, so I think I probably feel this to a much lesser degree than you do. Again, it's a matter of perspective.

Or course you don't trust him. It may have been six years for HIM but it's been only six months for YOU! It doesn't matter when or how long ago it was for him...for you, it's like it all started in June. Add to that that he had all the time during his "bad times" to assimilate all this information and incorporate this person into his being. For you it's like you've had to accept that this is the person your husband had become, and then try to believe that he'd done a 180.

I do feel that people can change. I'm living proof of that, though my problems are nothing like that of your husband's. It sounds to me like your husband is trying. Only you can decide if it's enough and if you can hang on a little longer...I hope you will. It will take time to trust your husband and in a way, it's like your getting to know a whole new person (hopefully a good husband!). That's tough stuff so don't feel bad for it taking awhile..it SHOULD take awhile.

It's very often the case that when the wayward spouse FINALLY sees the light and starts to change, the betrayed spouse is no longer sure they care or want the WS anymore. For some it's too late, for some there's just been too much hurt and loss and they don't know if they can get over that. If your husband is truly changing, you CAN get through it, but it will take time and patience. They say it can take around two years to recover from an affair (if there's real change). Start that two years only from the moment your husband started to show true change..not from when you found out or when he had his indiscretions and other difficulties. That does not mean that you will be miserable for two years....gosh, who wants that? But you'll still have trust issues, triggers and moments of not being sure it's all worth it.

I'm not sure if that's what direction you're going in...wondering if it's worth it or not--or if you're just kind of venting/journaling with people who understand. If it's the case that you're just not sure, I hope you'll give it a little time.

Can't add anything to the others, but will you please change your name? I hate it, it makes me sad. It is not true so you CAN'T use it. Okay?