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Joined: Sep 2004
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I have been here at MB for a few months now. Most of my posts have had to do with "what is my BS/WW doing with OM and what does she want with me and when do I get her back??"

But...I thought for a change of pace, and to demonstrate to those who look at me cynically as one who is focusing only on his BS/WW and not on himself, I would share my story for all who would like to know.

Keep in mind, this is NOT the story of my M to my BS/WW, my A's, or my life post D-Day - you can read my "Compleat Story" by clicking the link in my sig below to read that...
This is going back further than that and is the product of reading such books as "After The Affair" and talking to my IC.

Here goes:
My Dad and Mom had me when they were 19 and 17 respectively, married 2 months before I was born while my Mom was still in high school (mm hm).

Dad became a First Assemblies of God minister in the Bible Belt of Iowa and Missouri with short stints in California and Arizona.

I was raised by my homemaker Mom and my minister Dad, who was a charismatic hellfire&brimstone type, and also a semi-pro musician.

By age 11 or 12, Dad was having extra-marital affairs with women in his churches. At age 12, my Mom burst into my room one night screaming "he's gone, he's been cheating" and sobbing on my shoulder. I was totally freaked, obviously.

Within 2 weeks, we had packed up the car and a U-Haul trailer, and left for the Southwest in the middle of the night - literally, , Dad left a note on his pulpit saying "I'm sorry, I have sinned" and we left without looking back.

Once we got to the Southwest, Dad started over in a new career and we did OK for a bit. Pretty soon, though, Mom and Dad were going back and forth, one of them would leave for a month then come back, then the other would leave - the constant breaking up/reconciling was driving me and my 2 brothers crazy, so I, at the ripe age of 12, finally said "ENOUGH! Someone do something!"

And they did, they divorced. Mom left and immediately fell into the single woman lifestyle she had never had since I was born when she was 17.
Dad kept us 3 boys and eventually found wife #1, then a few girlfriends, then wife #2 who actually "raised" us as youths and was the main contributor to my growth as an adult, then they divorced and girlfriend #2, then wife #3...
He is now married again to a great woman, and from what I've been able to glean from my talks with him about MY situation, he says this is 'THE ONE.' We shall see.

So most of my life from age 13 until a few years ago was made up of my Dad getting into serious relationships, then destroying them with infidelity, then moving on to the next woman.

I love my Dad, and we have a great relationship - I'm a semi-pro musician, as was he, and every musical professional success I've had I've attributed to him or done to make him proud.

My Mom went through her single woman phase, then found a great man whom she married - they've been together for 20 years now. All the while, though, she has been more of a "buddy" Mom than a "mom" Mom. My younger brother has never forgiven her for "abandoning" us and they have had serious issues with each other.

I also have a great relationship with my Mom, we talk often, but always more as friends than as mother-son.

My first betrayal happened when I was 20 years old - I had been in a relationship with my first major girlfriend and then-fiancee for a few years...and I kissed another woman. I was HORRIBLY guilty about it and immediately told her everything. She was devastated, but we worked it out, and that relationship didn't end until 3 years later when she moved hundreds of miles away to go to graduate school. We tried to make it work, but I had a series of short flings while she was gone and ended up breaking it off with her.

I then met my first wife, and the story from there is found in my signature.

So...as for my IC knowing all of these details...

We're starting to target the fact that my Dad is a serial monagomist, and every time he was in an M or serious R for more than 6-7 years he bolted for an A and then ended up marrying someone else later.

So my IC is pointing to learned behavior from my father, and an absent mother, as root causes. We are starting to delve into the details of those.

We seem to think, as per the book "After The Affair," that I "became" my father so that I didn't have to hate him for what he did to our family...and, since my Mom was absent, that I've tried to gain validation from women through the years to compensate for feeling a sense of abandonment by her.

Of course, you should read my signature to get "the rest of the story," but I believe it demonstrates that my multiple A's had nothing to do with my BS/WW or any dissatisfaction with her. She really was blameless when it came to my A's. Of course, her A and the reasons for it are a different subject...

Pretty messed up, eh?
Comments, discussion are welcome.

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

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I recently read "confessions of a serial cheater", can't remember the author right now, but you don't seem at all like him.

I agree with your IC, that yours is learned behavior, with a huge lack of respect for the sacred, longterm, commitment of marriage - born of ignorance as never having known it growing up.

And I also agree with the theory of you not wanting to question your dad's "lack" in what should have been the most important and "well tended" area of his life, by becomming like him.

My worries are not really with you Vnus, but with your WW. You are facing your weakness's, she is not. She is focusing on her blame of your infidelity to avoid taking responsibility for this nasty business she is conducting.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by weaver:
<strong> I recently read "confessions of a serial cheater", can't remember the author right now, but you don't seem at all like him.

I agree with your IC, that yours is learned behavior, with a huge lack of respect for the sacred, longterm, commitment of marriage - born of ignorance as never having known it growing up.

And I also agree with the theory of you not wanting to question your dad's "lack" in what should have been the most important and "well tended" area of his life, by becomming like him.

My worries are not really with you Vnus, but with your WW. You are facing your weakness's, she is not. She is focusing on her blame of your infidelity to avoid taking responsibility for this nasty business she is conducting. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Weaver -

Yes, I know my BS/WW is still ignoring reality and not dealing with her issues. I think she is privately, but being who she is, is having trouble communicating them to me. That's fair for now, I suppose.

I reiterate that she sees nothing wrong with her current relationship with OM, as she considers herself "single" for all intents and purposes, with only a "wait & see" attitude towards reconciliation, and a deep fear of being with me again, a fear that IS well-founded.

She DOES see something wrong with starting the A prior to our separation, and has apologized for that to me and admitted fault.

A few months will pass and then we shall see...best case scenario is she comes around to being serious about rebuilding and taking responsibility for her actions.
Worst case scenario is she doesn't, and I have to go dark on her, and she never wakes up or returns.
At least in both cases I will be confident that I have done what I need to do and can feel good about that.

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Wow Venus that's quite a story. Ok you still cheated alot even in your 30's, yikes! Doesn't give me much hope that my childsfather will maybe "grow" out of it since he's still young and immature. Luckily we have never been married, but we lived like a married couple. He only cheated on me "physically" with one girl that I know of, but he would have these little EA with some other girls, but would give me every lie in the book. He also comes from a broken home. Anyways before I get off the subject. Reading on this board I see that there are all types of stories, circumstances, etc, but I am startng to fear ever getting married.

Now you have not been recovered that long correct? Are you certain you won't cheat again?

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by XangelX:
<strong> Wow Venus that's quite a story. Ok you still cheated alot even in your 30's, yikes! Doesn't give me much hope that my childsfather will maybe "grow" out of it since he's still young and immature. Luckily we have never been married, but we lived like a married couple. He only cheated on me "physically" with one girl that I know of, but he would have these little EA with some other girls, but would give me every lie in the book. He also comes from a broken home. Anyways before I get off the subject. Reading on this board I see that there are all types of stories, circumstances, etc, but I am startng to fear ever getting married.

Now you have not been recovered that long correct? Are you certain you won't cheat again? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">XAngel:
Yes, I am sure I will never cheat again.
I know this because no one is ever FORCED to cheat, and cheating doesn't "just happen" to people.

The whole rationalization some cheaters use "before I knew it..." or "the next thing I knew..." is complete bullpucky.

The moment of deciding to cheat does not "sneak up" on the cheater.

So, since cheating is a conscious decision, and I am now in a position to look back at what I've done and realize the consequences of my actions, yes, I can say I will never cheat again.

But...
Will I be TEMPTED to cheat again? Will I feel the urge to flirt or act inappropriately with another woman? And if I do, how quickly will my defenses kick in and make me stop?

That's the part that's more difficult to erase, and is what I'm working with my IC on.

One thing I can do is not put myself in compromising situations - I quit my band, that was a big step - but also to do things like not hanging out with women unless my wife or their S.O. is there...etc.etc.

Other than that it's just a matter of recognizing the destruction that will result from infidelity and avoiding it at all costs, and valuing my marriage and love for my wife above all other less-important things.

As my former IC said "those who cheat are those who haven't been burned by cheating."

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Thank you for sharing your story with us, VnsMars.
I'm guilty of serial cheating as well. In each of them they were ONS and each of them left me wanting.

Instead of talking with my W I sought to find what I was missing/craving in my life/marriage by going outside of our marriage. That was a big mistake and I was too blind to see it. I was not a Christian at that time. During that time I attempted to express my ENs to W on several occasions and she did not recognize the brevity of the situation and ignored them, saying that I was depraved and should change myself. I did not like confrontations and withdrew myself. I mentioned several times that we were more like brother and sister than a married couple. Since becoming a Christian 10 yrs ago I thought I could turn my life around but I did not let go of my lusts and continued on the same path of destruction.

Since D-Day I've struggled to get out of the fog and have won and our relationship is on the right track. I continue work on my Christian walk by participating in a men's group at our church and have improved in the eyes of my W. My W has come to recognize the reasons for my actions during counselling and has made inroads to meeting my ENs as well as I meeting her ENs.

Letting go of your old habits is THE hardest part. The temptations of a better relationship are not too far away from me and it is so easy to fall into that trap but I now find it easily recognizable and I am able to deal with it directly through prayer than by myself.

I've shocked my brothers in Christ with my testimony twice so far and the initial response was silence. Some have come to me and applauded my courage and honesty but somehow I have the feeling it may have polarized a few in their perception of me.

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: Mr.Miew ]</small>


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