I am alone-and I have been alone during his affair. This is terrible -but for the first time since I am married I have really stated to take notice of other men-In the past I would have walked away-I am wondering if meeting somebody who is interested in me is “just soothing my hurt feelings" I don't know if I love my WH. This person is divorced and will not pursue any relationship -he is very decent. I need a friend-but I am concerned where this may lead. He is kind and understanding and nothing may ever happen. I am trying so hard –It is now 6 months since I have discovered this affair-it went on for 19 months.My Wh is always busy-he will not go for IC or MC-he is taking courses and spending less his time at home studying.I am lucky if we talk to me for 30 minutes a day!Between his work, kids and his studies-we don't have time to be alone.We have no intimate realationship and he won't discuss it.

Hi lieben,

I know what you're talking about. Thank goodness I talked about it with people BEFORE connecting with any men. I think it would be even harder to avoid the Revenge Affair pitfall if I had already put myself in a position to meet someone.

One of the things that helped me during those difficult times was to read here. There are threads that talk about people's experiences going from BS to WS. Reading about the reality of it, instead of playing the fantasy version in my mind of how it would be and how it would end up, really did me the most good in avoiding that pitfall.

I know how appealing the IDEA can sound, but anyone who has dealt with the REALITY tells a much different story.

I remember that I told my H that I was having those thoughts. He wasn't any help at all, but there are many H's who would love to have that information BEFORE an EA or PA starts. Maybe yours is one of them?

Do a seach and see what you come up with. Post again to let us know how you're doing with it.

Take care

As tempting as it sounds...stay away from any men during this journey.

Are you doing any plans right now?...since this has been going on 19 months...and 6 months after Dday...i think you should start doing plan B...do plan B as long as you can...when you have done plan Divorce then only consider dating other men.

Actually, you have a better chance to get your
WS back if you are seeing another man. The people on this site will try to talk you out of it, but they don't really know what they are talking about. I have done a study on this very issue, and the FACTS show that the WS comes back more and comes back faster when they see you are moving on and seeing other people. Don't worry about what others on here say. They haven't done a study like I have, and they aren't paying attention to see how often seeing other people actually works to YOUR advantage. They can only see the negative...

I couldn't disagree with this more strongly!! Two wrongs do not make a right. You are still married and should not engage in any romantic relationships with the other sex until you are no longer married, period.

I was tempted to go out and 'even the score' when I learned of my W's A. This might even have caused her to turn back sooner, but the aftermath would have been devastating. Do not lower to the level of the WS, rise above, improve yourself, hope that he will rise to your level. If he does not, seek out a healthy, honest relationship following your D.

Opinions vary, but I think you will find mine mirrors that of most who have been there done that on this board.

I would suggest you put yourself into NC mode immediately with this friend. It would be just too easy, at a weak moment, to cross the line.

Now, here's a thought I have (and I'd be interested to see the feedback). Talk to your husband about this. Tell him that he is not working with you on healing the marriage (communication, counselling), and it has left you feeling very lonely and frightened.

Tell him that you find yourself vulnerable to an affair yourself, and you are tempted, even though you have not crossed that line.

That may "perk him up" to start working on the marriage. You see, just like many BS's are taken by complete surprise when the affair is discovered "because they didn't think their spouse was capable of that", they too often think that of their own spouse. I think that BS's are very vulnerable to affairs after d-day, either for revenge <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> or just because their ego has been shattered and they feel empty.

Also, if you care for this other guy, recognize that he too could be hurt by being your friend IF it crossed over the line. Nice people do have affairs you know (I did). It's always wrong, but it does happen.

Thanks! I guess my self esteem is still low-discovering an affair is like being hit by a wave in the ocean-at first you start to grasp for air-then you make it to the beach-and finally you have survived the shock and whilst sitting on the beach -contemplating if you want to enter the ocean again. At least, that is how I feel. In a sense he ended our marriage when he had an affair-the question is-do I want to jump back in?

Meeting a friendly person showed me that I do not have to stay in an unhappy marriage-I am not saying that I am ready to give up .However, I am tired of being lonely-I have discussed this with my husband. I don't think he will ever be open to councelling.Doing nothing is actually also doing something.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I have been going through this mess for almost 2 years. My WH has been living with OW for most of that time.

I always wanted to keep my vows and my beliefs. However I went to a party a couple of weeks ago, and ended up having a ONS. The man was not married.

I feel nothing but sorrow and regret, a large amount of self-loathing and depression. Please wait until you are divorced.

leiben,

keepmovn4ward's comments are completely ignorant of the fact that two wrongs do not make a right,that you don't play tit for tat in a serious marital crisis like Adultery and you don't lower your standards just to play games to try and keep a WS in a marriage.There are appropriate ways to deal with an unfaithful spouse and seeing other's in a time of crisis is not one of them.

Care to POST your supposed one "study" to be scrutinized keepmovn?

lieben,

You do need to consider Plan B if your WH will not return to the marriage in any way or refuses counseling.6 months is past the point of any Plan A and I am not sure you did that at all? I am sorry,it's late and I don't know your whole story.I susually go back a read all the previous posts of someone whom I don't know well.

Listen,many of us BS's are lonely,very lonely but getting involved with another while married is not the answer ok? Trust us on this.I have been here over a year now and have read at least a few threads on those that did actually have a revenge A or got invovled with another of the opposite sex.It doesn't turn out well,to say the least.Find ways to deal with your loneliness and to keep busy with family,just yourself or with *women friends.

Keep posting,we are here for you.

O

God..I think all of us on here are lonely! I know how you feel......I sometimes wish a man would just come here and sweep me off my feet. I know I have to heal and get divorced first but it sure would be nice...and one day it will happen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi

Yes-it seems as if I will have to go to plan B. After a long discussion with my H he admitted this weekend that his heart is not in our marriage. The OW husband still does not know about the A-I never told him. He can influence my H career. My H said that he does not know what kind of relationship he wants with me-he claims to be over the OW but says that he does not want to discuss the A with me-it is not the right time yet. He does not know what he really felt for her-other than that the A was complicated since both of them were married-and still is. I do not think he has any contact with her-I have checked everything possible.

Since his heart is not in our marriage he finds it difficult to connect with me and he does not know if MC will solve anything. He says he loved me when we got married but that people change over the years. We are not the same. I don’t think he loves me anymore-I think he feels guilty about how he treated me and does not have the “heart” to tell me now that the marriage is over. That is why he is trying to be nice-but he just can not be loving.

quote:
keepmovn4ward's comments are completely ignorant of the fact that two wrongs do not make a right,that you don't play tit for tat in a serious marital crisis like Adultery and you don't lower your standards just to play games to try and keep a WS in a marriage.There are appropriate ways to deal with an unfaithful spouse and seeing other's in a time of crisis is not one of them.

And where did you get all your marriage knowledge and self righteous attitude Octobergirl? Don't throw YOUR PERSONAL values around on me. You don't even know me, so quit ASSUMING you are such an expert. I have forgotten more about saving relationships than you will ever know. She can make up her own mind and she can make up her own morals. I hate self righteous people who think that they can shove their morals down people's throat. Are you the one who has the power to say exactly what minute and hour and second another can date? I don't think so.


Care to POST your supposed one "study" to be scrutinized keepmovn?

Do you care to LISTEN and be OPEN MINDED if I show you the proof? I doubt it. You seem very narrow minded and set in your ways. Doesn't look to me like you have your spouse back and a healthy marriage yet, so I can say quite boldly that unless you can put your proof where your mouth is, then you aren't helping anymore than I am.

I hate people like you who get all self righteous about relationships and can tell others what is right and what is wrong for them.

And by the way Octobergirl.. just mosey on over to Venus/Mars thread and do a little research for yourself and see if my little philosophy holds true in his situation. Notice that he was unfaithful to her for years and years. Nothing woke him up or made him change. Nothing...

Suddenly his wife acts all myserious and he finds out she has another man and isn't interested in him any more... Look who is doing the changing and chasing and getting help and who stopped all contact with the OP.

I am sure it is just a "coincidence" that he suddenly will do anything to be a good husband and has nothing to do with her moving on and finding another man..

So, if you want proof of my study and you are serious about what the FACTS point out, then just do some study on this very web site because some of my best examples and cases are from this very site over the past 3 years. You must not be paying attention to what really happens a lot of times when the WS decides to come back.