After being a model W for 6 years, I found myself in an A with a new friend I met doing a new hobby. It had been going on 4 1/2 months when my *best friend* called his W to tell him about the A because she was horrified that someone she knew for 30 years to be a caring, kind person was in this situation and she and her family decided to "intervene" on my behalf. I am married with one nearly grown 18 year old son and two toddler girls. I have felt horrible about my betrayal but unable to stop my addiction to this person who'd become the sun in my sky due to my spouse working all the time and me staying home alone and lonely with the small children.

After my friend called his W he dropped me like a ton of bricks. Since we'd been best friends as well as lovers for nearly 6 months (seeing each other four times a week and being very close) I have been completely devastated. And I mean completely. I refused to leave my bed for nearly four days straight, not wanting to eat or drink and hoping in a passive way that I would just die. My BH has NO clue why, just thinks I am having a mid-life crisis or something. His kindness and caring leave me feeling both horribly guilty and yet hopeful that we can get our marriage straightened out. While I love the OM I never entertained the idea of leaving my family as I strongly believe children come FIRST. But I'd secretly hoped I could keep the A going for a long, long time as my lover met all the needs my husband didn't. I'd jokingly tell him that together they were the perfect man.

Please don't come down on me too hard. I know I wanted to have my cake and eat it, too, but I love BOTH of them.

Now I have two issues. First, I am depressed and grieving the lost A nearly all the time. Second, I am really torn as to whether or not I should tell my DH about the A. I do not want to hurt him any more than I already have, and he thinks I am the most wonderful woman to walk the face of the earth. I really, really want my marriage to work, though.

I know many of you who are the BS don't realize that the WS's are also hurt and hurting, please don't flame me too hard. When my mother died suddenly in '95 I wasn't in near this bad of shape and I thought that was awful.

Can my marriage survive if I don't confess? I am not keeping quiet out of self preservation but because I want to protect my DH from pain and our family from possible break up. He is not one who forgives even the smallest infraction easily and I am not sure he can get through this, especially because I did not end the A and still love the OM.

The MB books say honesty is crucial, yet the counselor I saw when I first started the A told me I must end the affair immediately but never tell my spouse. Who do I believe???

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 12:26 AM: Message edited by: Alone and Broken ]</small>

Tell your husband...if you dont then whatever it was that lead you to this affair will happen again...

Take care.

There are a lot of reasons to tell your H.

Some for him, some for you, some for your future together.

As for loving two men..I'll accept that for the moment..we all know that your brain chemicals are telling you this is so..however..I think it is safe to say that only ONE man loves you back.

Bit of advice? Your A was "due to" you deciding to have an A and nothing else. Did you have difficulties in life? Sure, we all do. The A was your choice, and yours alone..if you want to rebuild your M..never try to dodge and shirk on this one.

First step is to tell your H. Until you have done this..I really don't know what more I can offer you by way of help..anything else is putting the cart before the horse.

Noodle

Dear A&B,

I'm sure many veterans here will around later to post to you. Your right in that there are lots of BS here and some WS also. I hope that you continue to post not only for yourself but maybe you can help some of us BS's here that need answeres from a WS.

As for your situation, honesty is definately crucial. You are NOT protecting your husband because you care about him. You are protecting his "idea of you". You don't want to taint that, "you don't think he can handle it". What your basically saying is that husband is not man enough, strong enough, intelligent enough to be told the truth. He is just a "child" in your eyes that needs to be shield from what you have done to his world. This is neither true nor respectful.

Take Zizzy's advice and tell your H otherwise you are only hurting him more when he does find out. We all do, you can't keep something like this hidden forever and you know it. If not for that reason alone, do it for yourself as Zizzy said your problems will only grow and not get better, in which case you will most likely find yourself in the same situation again.

I really hope you stick around and try get some answers here.

Best of luck to you.
Native

Actually, we are taking steps to work on our marriage with the MB book, "His Needs, Her Needs." We both recognize that things aren't the way they should be and are trying to correct the unmet emotional needs in our lives. It's very hard to work on your marriage, though, when grieving a lover. But I am trying. My actions say I don't really love my H, but I do.

I know time will heal all things, including the pain I am in, so perhaps before I really try to push towards dealing with my marriage I need to find closure on the A. Part of the problem was going from "things are fabulous" on one day to "it's over" the next. When you are in a dating relationship there are always clues that things aren't going well. You don't have someone around and the relationship going amazing and the next day they are out of your life. I feel I was punched in the stomach. I *never* saw it coming, especially not from my best friend, however much good she thought she was doing. One day I will thank her, but it may take a long while.

What a mess I got myself into. I feel like such a dummy. I never thought it could happen to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

D.

Hi A&B,

Welcome to MB...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Can my marriage survive if I don't confess? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, absolutely not. It will eventually re-surface later on down the road.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am not keeping quiet out of self preservation but because I want to protect my DH from pain and our family from possible break up. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I respectfully disagree with you, as will most BS here... You are NOT protecting your DH from pain... You are only protecting yourself from facing the reality of the mess that your decisions and actions have caused. Sorry to be so blunt, but you are only increasing your DH's pain... the longer you keep this secret from him, the harder it will be for him to forgive you...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is not one who forgives even the smallest infraction easily and I am not sure he can get through this, especially because I did not end the A and still love the OM.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what's known as a disrespectful judgement because you are thinking for him. You don't know what your DH will do yet because you haven't been open and honest with him. Give him a chance to make up his own mind...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The MB books say honesty is crucial, yet the counselor I saw when I first started the A told me I must end the affair immediately but never tell my spouse. Who do I believe??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can believe whoever you want to believe... I'll say it again, if you don't tell your H the entire truth, it WILL re-surface again later...

Semper Fi,
RIF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by noodle:
<strong>however..I think it is safe to say that only ONE man loves you back.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How right you are, I think that is the part that hurts the most. I cared and the OM was using me for convenient sex.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Bit of advice? Your A was "due to" you deciding to have an A and nothing else.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have no problem taking full responsiblity for my destructive action. I blame no one but myself. When I first started feeling physically attracted to my friend I should have run, not walked, away...but was smug enough to think I was too good a person to get involved in an A.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>First step is to tell your H. Until you have done this..I really don't know what more I can offer you by way of help..anything else is putting the cart before the horse.

Noodle </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am strongly considering it but am really scared about possibly wrecking our family. I know, I should have thought of that sooner. Why do we always fool ourselves into thinking "if no one finds out no one will be hurt"?

D.

A&B said:I know time will heal all things, including the pain I am in, so perhaps before I really try to push towards dealing with my marriage I need to find closure on the A. Part of the problem was going from "things are fabulous" on one day to "it's over" the next. When you are in a dating relationship there are always clues that things aren't going well. You don't have someone around and the relationship going amazing and the next day they are out of your life. I feel I was punched in the stomach. I *never* saw it coming, especially not from my best friend, however much good she thought she was doing. One day I will thank her, but it may take a long while.

LOL, I'm sorry to laugh A&B but I can hear your BETRAYED HUSBAND, saying these same things. No how? Because I and many others here have screamed the same thing. I also am sorry if I'm being calous, but I'm still dealing with this problem. The pain you are feeling right now...multiply that times 100. Because in your affair you and your "partner" made a choice to what you were doing and as you admitted you never had any thoughts of leaving your M. Your BH on the other hand was/is your best friend. You were/are the only person in this universe that he trusted with his deepest emotions and feelings.

Now of course you had problems, we all do, but you know that doesn't justify your affair. As noodle pointed out, I don't think there is much we can do for you as far as rebuilding until you grasp the concept of complete honesty for you Husband no matter the pain it will cause him. You owe him that much at least.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by native00:
<strong>I hope that you continue to post not only for yourself but maybe you can help some of us BS's here that need answeres from a WS.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Any possible good I can do here to try to help others I will gladly do. I have already helped one married friend who allowed a man to kiss her to get COMPLETELY away from him. She has seen the wreck I've become and wants none of it, thank God. Because for the 1 hour of good you feel in an A, there are 100 hours of self-recrimination and pain. Trust me on this. At least for a person who is basically good at heart, an A is not all the fun and games a BS may think.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>As for your situation, honesty is definately crucial. You are NOT protecting your husband because you care about him. You are protecting his "idea of you". You don't want to taint that, "you don't think he can handle it". What your basically saying is that husband is not man enough, strong enough, intelligent enough to be told the truth. He is just a "child" in your eyes that needs to be shield from what you have done to his world. This is neither true nor respectful.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right in a lot of ways, but after reading all the messages from BH's on this board I wonder how many of them would have preferred not to know? Especially if their WW really wanted to fix things and was committed to not ending up in another A?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I really hope you stick around and try get some answers here.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I hope to learn. I can't ever imagine getting myself into this situation again, though I know lots of things need to change before we can be more secure in the foundation of our M.

D.

Alone and Broken,

Have you read this ? ... true’s heart letter to you.

I suggest you to get an anti-depressant to get through the withdrawal. I also suggest to print TrueHeart's letter to you and have it with you and read it over and over when you are weak.

Good Luck. I also come accross He'll be different with you, you're special

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by native00:
<strong>LOL, I'm sorry to laugh A&B but I can hear your BETRAYED HUSBAND, saying these same things. No how? Because I and many others here have screamed the same thing. I also am sorry if I'm being calous, but I'm still dealing with this problem. The pain you are feeling right now...multiply that times 100.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry you are going through this, as I notice in your signature you found out fairly recently.

One of the biggest problems I have with myself is how badly I feel not only towards my own husband and family, but to the OM's wife and son. I am often very tempted to call her and tell her how truly sorry I feel for what happened. I have met her on several occasions as well as spending time with their son, who adores me. We all know each other. When my friend called her office and left her a voice mail about the A I was really surprised she never called ME. I would have. I have in the past. My first marriage ended when my ex-H got a 17 year old girl pregnant. Even with me being a FBS, I still managed to get myself into this mess. Again, calling myself an idiot. I have been there, done that, and felt the pain.

D.

Alone and Broken,

It is not about the mistake defines who you are, it is about what you do afterward. Ammends everyone by doing the right things.

-rh-

Alone and Broken, speaking from a BH standpoint, I would have much rather my WW tell me of her affair and let me decide what I wanted to do. In saying that, she did let me know and though I had said it many times to friends, if my wife cheated on me I'd divorce her in a minute, the truth is, as bad as it hurts, as messed up as I've gotten because of all this, I still wanted to work things out with my WW. And if you think your pain is bad....

I almost lost my mind. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I had to get on antidepressents, I lost about 50 pounds, I cried, yes, I'm a grown man and I cried almost every day for several months. I still get very emotional when things trigger me. So, don't think that your pain is bad. But, you know, I would still take my WW back if she would want to work through this. It's been a year and 4 almost 5 months. So, give credit to your husband. He needs to know. It is his right to know and his right to decide if he wants to stay married to you. Don't think you are doing him any favors by not telling him. Face up to what you've done and see if he wants to still work on the marriage. Also, I'd find a different counselor. I'd try to find one who believes in the MarriageBuilders philosphy. It may be hard to find one, but it would be well worth it.

I don't mean to be mean. I'm only putting down my perspective on things. But, if you read over other BSs posts, they are all the same. We all go through the same pain, same emotions, and most of us here would still take our WS back...

And as far as the OM is concerned. You said it yourself, between OM and your husband you had the perfect man. Well, OM will never be the perfect man. He may fill some of the emotional needs you need so badly, but he could never take the place of your husband and fulfill all the emotional needs your husband fills for you. But, your husband, on the other hand, can fulfill all your needs. He has proven that in the early years of your marriage. He has 'forgotten' how to do that and he only needs to relearn those things. That's what His Needs/Her Needs can do for you both. Also, the emotional questionaires. If your husband doesn't know what he's doing wrong, how can he fix it? I really hope you the best in all this. You have a rough road ahead, any way you look at it. Don't sell your husband short. He deserves to know the truth. With work on both of your parts, you can have the "perfect" husband and he can have the "perfect" wife...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong> Alone and Broken,

Have you read this ? ... true’s heart letter to you.

I suggest you to get an anti-depressant to get through the withdrawal. I also suggest to print TrueHeart's letter to you and have it with you and read it over and over when you are weak.

Good Luck. I also come accross He'll be different with you, you're special

-rh- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just finished the "You're Special" letter and am riveted to my chair. I am stunned at how close this is to my OM, and exactly what my best friend tried to tell me (in fewer words). She saw this months ago and that's why she was so horrified I'd fallen in with such a person. This is why, finally, seeing no other choice to get me away from him she called his wife. I've already been through some of the hurt and mind games, but dismissed these as misunderstandings.

Thank you for both articles. I can't believe how much help reading through those was already. I am so glad I came.

D.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost-without-her:
<strong> Alone and Broken, speaking from a BH standpoint, I would have much rather my WW tell me of her affair and let me decide what I wanted to do.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you so much for sharing the perspective of the BH. I appreciate your words of advice.

D.

A&B,

I am a FWS. I remember having the same thoughts. Know what I decided? She needed to know. Even though SHE told me it was an affair, once I got to the point I agreed I told her so. I spilled my guts, cried like a baby. We then got down to business.

We even split up, things got nasty, but we never totally gave up. Im the FWS and SHE is the one aking for us to live togeather by Christmas.

Be totally honest. Healing can not truly start under false pretenses.

AaB:

Do not despair that you are the only one who has ever been in your position. I think that you will see that you are by no means alone.

That is a good thing; the success of others here can be inspirational. But, in the Yin-Yang of life, the failures here can be equally important. You can do yourself, your H and your kids a big favor by not repeating our errors.

First of all, about telling your H: If you don't, if you keep this dark secret to yourself, you will never EVER be able to complain or feel slighted if you ever found out he was keeping things from you. No right! You cannot expect honesty and commitment from someone unless you are willing to give it. You cannot expect someone to respect and commit to you unless you do the same to them. Quid pro quo.

Secondly, we are judged by our actions. What we do does indeed define us as RedHat says, and if you don't do something about your A, then you are allowing yourself to be defined as an adulterer. You have committed a grievous injustice to your H, whether you tell him or not the damage has been done. Now, you must make amends to him, even if you or he leaves the M. It takes a truly noble person to face up to the injuries they have caused others and make amends. In doing so, you define yourself as a noble person. You have every right to choose this; just as we all do.

Thirdly, you must remember that your H is still a person equal to you and just as valid. Often the WS will vilify their betrayed, a step that both justifies their actions and denigrates the betrayed to some sort of "less than" status that somehow minimizes the injury caused. It's like a sort of self protection, and is quite common. Think of the soldiers in WWII. They were taught to vilify the enemy Japanese or Germans, because it made it easier to engage them in combat if they were seen as subhuman. Even in sports, the ritualization of victory at the expense of another's defeat demands seeking the competition as "less worthy". It is a universal human trait we all share.

Of course, this falls apart because we are all equal human beings and no one of us is more important than the rest. The reality of life is that no one of us has the right to make our lives more important than those around us. They are not pawns or sidekicks in our dramas, any more than we are in theirs. That's a fundamental principle of our way of life.

Fourthly, both you and your H only get one chance at life. It is not your place to waste your H's through lies and deception. He, too deserves the opportunity to pursue a life with a partner who will love and respect him for who he is. He should not reach his deathbed only to find that his life was a lie, and it's too late to go back. We can't turn back the clock, you know. The time in the A that you denied him for OM is time he will never get back. Never.

In the worst case scenario he will leave you - many of us have - but it must be his choice. You have no right to take away that choice, just as no one has the right to take away your choice. But, (Yin-Yang again), he may seek to reconcile, in which case you can then rebuild your M stronger than before, with the vacuum of unmet needs addressed.

Finally, as with so many As, yours was to fill needs your H was not meeting. Chances are this was not intentional. He did not actively seek to deprive you of your needs; he simply didn't know he wasn't meeting them. He was probably meeting them according to his standard and priority, which obviously is not yours, but he is no more psychic than are you or I. Conversely (Yin-Yang again!), can you honestly say you were meeting his needs, to his satisfaction? Chances are you weren't. So, it may have taken two men to meet your needs. Would you be willing to allow a second woman into your M to take up the slack in meeting your H's?

In fact, I think that is the root of the frustration that the BS community shares here. Our WS had their As because of unmet needs. Whether by design or accident we were not meeting their needs, and neither were our needs being met. But, our WS chose to go elsewhere to get them, and now here we are, seeking to regain our spouses, trying to meet their needs (now that we know what they are), but for many of us, our needs are not being met. We se this as definitely a win/lose situation, with the WS holding all the win cards and we're stuck with the lose hand. No matter whether the M recovers or not, we are still where we started - frustrated.

So, you will see that here. Remember, it is a glimpse into the pain your H will feel. Only a glimpse, mind you, since you not truly grasp the emasculating, humiliating, gut-wrenching speed wobble your H is about to begin. You have invalidated him as a man, and have treated him like some sort of object in your life. He wasn't man enough for you, so you "traded up". He will pinball through a minefield of emotions, and you will be hard pressed to keep up.

I don't want to rain on your parade. But, what's done is done, and there's no denying it. You can't take back the A. It happened. But, as has been said, it does not define you - unless you choose it to. You have the power to choose to be so much more, you have the right to do so, and you deserve it. Confessing - risking your M, your family, your home and your dignity - is a very hard thing to do, but it is your road to redemption. I don't know if you're a religious person. I'm not but many here are, yet redemption is such a universal concept that it transcends such restrictions. All religions have some vision of redemption and the salvation it offers. Your M may fail, but you owe your H the truth and you owe yourself redemption. But, your M may survive and be stronger, as so many here have been. It is a risk, and you are definitely taking a chance in confessing, but both you and your H deserve the right to take that chance, because you both deserve the opportunity to attain it.

One more question...if I tell my BH (and I am still scared about this, but leaning towards doing so) about the A, what about the OMW? Should I call her and confess to her, too? The OM said that if someone "held a gun to his head" he would deny the whole thing and under no circumstances wanted her to find out. He was "protecting her." But I feel awful about what I did to her, too. Yet is it my place? Doesn't she have just as much a right to know as my H?


D.

I'm confused! In your first post you said "After my friend called his W he dropped me like a ton of bricks." Didn't your friend already tell his wife about the affair?

AB,

Welcome to MB! You've made quite a mess, didn't you? It's painful and it's hard and it seems like there is no easy way to clean all this up. There really isn't, but the good news is that it is possible to clean this mess and come out stronger and happier.

First of all I'd like to address your "best friend". You are probably angry at her that she "busted" your little secret, but in reality she probably did you a big favor. My own best friend cheated on her husband for a long time; I had no idea. I watched her kids while she went out with OM. I was under the impression that she was either at her hobby or in school. It all came crumbling down one day. Our friendship was destroyed. Now if I had know about her affairs, I probably would have confronted her and maybe some things could have been saved, but now it's too late.

Anyway, enough of that. You are contemplating telling your husband about your A. I think you should. Since your "best friend" already knows and the OM's wife now knows, it will only be a matter of time before your husband will find out. Word spreads quickly... It will be painful for him to hear that you betrayed him, but I'm sure he'd rather hear it from you than thru the grapevine. He WILL find out; I can guarantee you that. I know that you feel that you want to save him from this pain, but you won't be able to. You made the decision to cause him pain when you started the affair with the OM. There is nothing that you can do that will make this any less painful or any easier on your husband.

What you can do is learn from your mistakes and find out what is missing from your marriage and hopefully make it a stronger one. I hope that your husband will give you a second chance. I believe that we all deserve a second chance. But it is up to you to convince and show him that you really deserve this chance. Hiding behind a facade and lies is not going to work; it never does.

Good luck to you!

Kati