</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by realitychkd chick:
<strong> I'm confused! In your first post you said "After my friend called his W he dropped me like a ton of bricks." Didn't your friend already tell his wife about the affair? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good question. I think she is belong to the OW board <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Could you explain your self A&B ?

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by realitychkd chick:
<strong> I'm confused! In your first post you said "After my friend called his W he dropped me like a ton of bricks." Didn't your friend already tell his wife about the affair? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry, didn't mean to be confusing. My friend DID call his wife, but he denied, denied, denied it and she believed him. He dropped me fast because he didn't want to get caught and was afraid she was having him tailed. She makes about $200K/year so that was a real possibility. I don't think she 100% believed him, but believed him enough where she didn't want to call me. Told him that as long as he came home every day, gave her a hug, and told her he loved her that things would be okay.

I would be telling her and apologizing more to completely clear my conscience than anything else. I feel nearly as bad about what I did to her than what I did to my own H. She didn't deserve it, either.

D.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kati:
<strong> AB,
First of all I'd like to address your "best friend". You are probably angry at her that she "busted" your little secret, but in reality she probably did you a big favor.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Strangely enough, I am not mad at her and never was. Hurting over the affair being over, but I knew from the start she only did this to protect me from what she felt was a bad person. SHE has been constantly checking on me and making sure I am okay, the OM took off so fast my head is still spinning and won't even talk to me for 5 minutes so I can say goodbye and get closure.

My best friend knew all along about the A. I have felt badly from the start and needed to talk about it to someone. Thank goodness, our friendship will survive. I'm sorry yours did not.

There is a lot more here I need to reply to but have to get ready to leave the house. I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond with your candid viewpoints and hope to respond more tonight.

Just being here has given me a good reality check and a better perspective. Thank you.

D.

You have to tell your husband. He deserves to know the truth. Honesty is the best policy. Your marriage will never survive otherwise. Yes, he will be hurt and he may want a divorce but you chose this path and now you need to be an honest person and suffer whatever consequences that follow. If you truly want to save your marriage get some help and start repairing what you have done. I wish you the best of luck and I'm glad you chose to come to MB. You will get some great advice.

More than likely, his wife probably didn't believe him. At least she will have her "radar" up now. This is probably also not the first time that he's ever done something like that. His behavior "dropping you like a ton of bricks" shows that he's more than likely a "repeat offender" and this is his way of dealing until he finds his next "victim". You are probably very lucky that he dropped you like that. Withdrawal sucks and you basically went cold turkey, but in the end it will be easier for you this way.

I cannot give you any advice in regards to contacting the wife.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Alone and Broken:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by realitychkd chick:
<strong> I'm confused! In your first post you said "After my friend called his W he dropped me like a ton of bricks." Didn't your friend already tell his wife about the affair? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry, didn't mean to be confusing. My friend DID call his wife, but he denied, denied, denied it and she believed him. He dropped me fast because he didn't want to get caught and was afraid she was having him tailed. She makes about $200K/year so that was a real possibility. I don't think she 100% believed him, but believed him enough where she didn't want to call me. Told him that as long as he came home every day, gave her a hug, and told her he loved her that things would be okay.

I would be telling her and apologizing more to completely clear my conscience than anything else. I feel nearly as bad about what I did to her than what I did to my own H. She didn't deserve it, either.

D. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Alone and Broken:
You're right in a lot of ways, but after reading all the messages from BH's on this board I wonder how many of them would have preferred not to know? Especially if their WW really wanted to fix things and was committed to not ending up in another A?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As a BS I think your making a big mistake thinking this way. If my WW would have come to me and admitted the A and told me it was a huge mistake, that she was sorry, and that she would do anything to save our marriage I think we would be still together. Instead I found out, she said she didn't know why she did it, she decided to move out instead of working on our marriage. We are now in divorce proceedings.

Guilt will destroy you, and your H will eventually find out and things will be much, much worse. If you want to have any hope of saving your marriage tell him. Tell him but make sure you tell him that you love him and want to save the marriage at any cost.

It'll be tough and hopefully he'll want to too.

Just my humble opinion based upon my experience as a BS. Good Luck!

Miker.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kati:
<strong> More than likely, his wife probably didn't believe him. At least she will have her "radar" up now. This is probably also not the first time that he's ever done something like that. His behavior "dropping you like a ton of bricks" shows that he's more than likely a "repeat offender" and this is his way of dealing until he finds his next "victim". </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's admitted to me that early in his marriage he slept with two other women (he's been married 24 years). I asked him if his wife found out but he said she didn't because he only slept with them a "couple of times." He and I were together nearly 30 times. He also admits to "kissing" a mutual friend of ours but swears they never slept together because there was just no "chemistry." Ungh. Just typing this out makes me realize that I got in with a really good one.

D.

I think in a way, you are mad at your friend because in your original email you put her in parentheses and because of this your A with OM is over. The A would still be going on if this didn't happen.

Kati


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Alone and Broken:
Strangely enough, I am not mad at her and never was. Hurting over the affair being over, but I knew from the start she only did this to protect me from what she felt was a bad person. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'd jokingly tell him that together they were the perfect man.

Please don't come down on me too hard. I know I wanted to have my cake and eat it, too, but I love BOTH of them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like my wife. It is hard to hear but you need to tell your H and work out a plan with him to recover if he wants it.

AB,

This man is a "serial cheater" and you can count your blessings that you got away from him. Have you gotten tested for STD's? If not, then you should go to the doctor ASAP. He is putting you as well as his wife at a great risk. More than likely, he is probably still sleeping with his wife as well.

If you have contracted an STD from this man, then it will be your responsibility to share this information with your husband as you are putting him and his health at great risk.

I also think that he has probably been lying to you about the number of women that he has had intercourse with. I suspect that the actual number of his affair partners is much higher than he admitted to you.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Alone and Broken:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kati:
[
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's admitted to me that early in his marriage he slept with two other women (he's been married 24 years). I asked him if his wife found out but he said she didn't because he only slept with them a "couple of times." He and I were together nearly 30 times. He also admits to "kissing" a mutual friend of ours but swears they never slept together because there was just no "chemistry." Ungh. Just typing this out makes me realize that I got in with a really good one.

D. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kati:
<strong> I think in a way, you are mad at your friend because in your original email you put her in parentheses and because of this your A with OM is over. The A would still be going on if this didn't happen.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In a way, yes, but not really. I just think it could have been handled differently instead of her taking my life and the lives of both families in her hands the way she did. Also, when I asked her if she was the one who placed the phone call she intially lied. If she thought what she did was right she would have said, "Darn straight I called her."

In the end, though, I am mad at myself and not my friend. I know that had I not made the initial mess there would have been no phone call to place.

D.

A&B, You said a few things that I think need to be really reconsidered.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by native00:
I hope that you continue to post not only for yourself but maybe you can help some of us BS's here that need answeres from a WS.

Any possible good I can do here to try to help others I will gladly do. I have already helped one married friend who allowed a man to kiss her to get COMPLETELY away from him. She has seen the wreck I've become and wants none of it, thank God. Because for the 1 hour of good you feel in an A, there are 100 hours of self-recrimination and pain. Trust me on this. At least for a person who is basically good at heart, an A is not all the fun and games a BS may think.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, if you truely think this then how is it the only OM is on your mind? If it was not fun MOST of the time why did you break your vows, betray your husband AND your children (as they stand to lose here), and YOURSELF. It it time to stop and think about why you did it and think very carefully. This is not about putting guilt on you, it is about you seeing the issues and then addressing them, sometimes just yourself and sometimes with your H. I would also recommend some counseling with a pro-marriage counselor. I would really like to encourage you to read the articles here, although I know you and H are reading HNHN.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As for your situation, honesty is definately crucial. You are NOT protecting your husband because you care about him. You are protecting his "idea of you". You don't want to taint that, "you don't think he can handle it". What your basically saying is that husband is not man enough, strong enough, intelligent enough to be told the truth. He is just a "child" in your eyes that needs to be shield from what you have done to his world. This is neither true nor respectful.

You're right in a lot of ways, but after reading all the messages from BH's on this board I wonder how many of them would have preferred not to know? Especially if their WW really wanted to fix things and was committed to not ending up in another A?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can tell you the exact answer. Absolutely not a single betrayed spouse (BS) wants to know that the person they love has betrayed them and found sex and emotional connections with another. NOT A SINGLE ONE. However, if you would ask given that the A happened how many would want to know, almost all would answer in the affirmative. Why?

Well there are many reasons. Let's start with the obvious ones.

1. So that they could protect themselves from catching a STD and worse a fatal one, thus leaving their children orphans.

2. So that they can make a choice to stay or go (no one wants to be second best in a marriage and surely they don't want to be disrespected as you have disrespected your H)

3. There is NO chance of rebuilding the marriage if both parties are not working with complete knowledge of the situation. Now you can maintain a marriage ie keep from getting divorce if you don't tell but the costs are very very high. I will get to that in a moment.

4. He is OWED, via the little respect you have for him, the opportunity to rebuild the marriage (something you have denied him). And he is OWED the chance to find someone that will love him and protect him.

There are many more, but lets get to a real subtle but important reason to tell.

If you don't tell you will NEVER be emotionally close to him again. You have already pulled away to protect you and your affair (your secret). Well the affair may be over but the secret is still there, and you will have to protect that secret even if it means NOT protecting him. You cannot open up about your feelings and even discussions about other marriages will contain lies by you as you clearly cannot speak from your TRUE perspective on marriages. You cannot even tell him what you learned. Your actions will not match your words. You will gradually reduce this marriage to a mere formality as you withdraw to protect the secret.

So yes you can legally save your marriage. It may even return to what it was (which was the seed ground for you having an affair and clearly you did not like), but it cannot grow without honesty. In your case honesty is the fertilizer for this marriage. Yup it stinks, it may even kill things, but if worked in throughly, then the chance for the marriage to grow exists.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really hope you stick around and try get some answers here.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I hope to learn. I can't ever imagine getting myself into this situation again, though I know lots of things need to change before we can be more secure in the foundation of our M.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And how are these things going to change without honesty? Are you going to demand he change but not tell him why and the consequences of him not changing? Are you going to avoid your friend for the rest of your life in fear that she or someone else will spill the beans? By the way, you story about the end of the affair confused me. Could you answer a few questions so that we have an idea of who knows and what really happened? I am confused.

You said a friend found out and told his W is that right? Or is the "friend" your OM who decided to tell his W. He ended it abruptly, why? If the "friend" you refer to is not OM, then why has she not intervened and told your H? Do you see how confused I am? Please help unconfuse me.

A&B, your marrriage can be rebuilt. You may not realize this yet, but eventually you will if you stay here long enough. You are NOT the enemy here. Hard things will be asked, discussed, and mentioned to you, but that is to get to the bottom of things and prepare you to work on your marriage. The goal here is not to punish you or hurt you, but to help you rebuild your marriage. If your H were here we would be telling him where he is messing up and trying to help him rebuild. So hang in there, and do some reading on the articles about withdrawal (which you are in now and you do have the classic feelings) and about Love Busters especially Disrespectful Judgements, DJ's.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

A&B: hindsight is 20-20, so I'll share mine with you...
In my signature, you can see that it was me, first, who cheated and didn't tell. kept it to myself. Told myself telling H would only hurt him (it was NOT a glamorous thing, even then, especially now!)

I know, now, that had I trusted my H with the truth - the first time it happened - and treated him as the best friend he was to me, rather than someone I can hide things from, he would've forgiven me. I sure couldv'e saved myself A LOT of hurt and personal damage both then and later.

Most importantly, though, perhaps we could've begun to repair a slightly damaged relationship, rather than one that wallowed through more and more distancing and complacency and gradually slipping respect and admiration and appreciaiton for one another.

Suffering your mistakes alone is not what a good marriage is. Making decisions about anything that effects the two of you on your own is selfish and does not pay your S the respect deserved.

You truly sound contrite and remorseful. The H you have described sounds like a good man. What I am suggesting is not easy, but PLEASE DON'T LET HIM 'FIND OUT' ON HIS OWN!!!!

I cannot begin to describe how life-shattering stumbling accross that info is. We all try, but words do no justice.

I'm still early in self-repair, so I may not be the right person to advise you. I only wish I'd stopped our marital decline "way back when."

AB

I had a very similar thing happen to me in m A, stopped dead 4 to 5 months ago. it was very hard because I didn't know what to feel, relief or grief.

However as I got worse I just had to tell my H. In fact it was not so much as a planned thing as it popped out during some stupid minor disagreement. I too thought I would never tell him, then got to well I should but when, & that kept going around and around in my mind until I blew it.

If there a good way to tell him, don’t think so. But there are ways to tell him sometimes perhaps in an IC's office where there is the support to prepare for this.

I suppose the worse fear is that he would want to end he M after 18 yrs. He played with the idea but decided no not yet. More to do with his stubborness I think initially - thank God.

Now we are not in Recovery yet, more a limbo, its a complicated story wont bore you with details and I just made it more comlicated recently by getting PG - my H child & our 4th.

DO I wish I could have got away with not telling him?? very hard to ans. My view changes day to day. However the more important question is could I have got away with not telling him?? Dont think so.
Sooner or later in some stupid battle over something you'll tell him, may be a year or two, or he will work it out, but its likely to come out.

So experience tells me you should tell him. I guess it could end your M but frankly if you keep going as you are you will lose him eventually anyway because this stuff works it way through you like acid.

I will say a good IC and MC are just so important, saved my sanity and helped my H so much. I'm still seeing ours and still learning.

In the end your choice but a warning, dont wait too long because H are not stupid and they do all too often work out whats been going on. Then the big D is looking you down the barrell

But look, first read up here, you've got the book or one of them, see a IC and MC and prepare to tell him.

We will try to help you through this h*ll of a time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Alone and Broken:
<strong> I have felt horrible about my betrayal but unable to stop my addiction to this person who'd become the sun in my sky due to my spouse working all the time and me staying home alone and lonely with the small children.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Having an affair because of problems in the marriage makes as much sense as burning down your house to get rid of the termites.

A&B, you've had some very good replies from everyone.

I have to disagree with Redhat that you belong on the OW board. What you are describing is absolutely typical of any FWW who has been dumped by the OM. And I speak from experience here.

My H found out about my A 6 months after it was over. I didn't deny anything and we began rebuilding our m that very moment. If he hadn't found out I would have told him anyway. I was just working up the courage.

I say this over and over and over. With NC (no contact) time really does take care of the grief thing. But it is awful and it does go on and on.

Jen

Thank you very much to everyone who posted in-depth answers to my questions. I told my husband about the A this afternoon. Can't say it is going really well right now, but at least the truth is out.

Thanks again.

D.