As you all know I phoned OW's husband the other day pretending to be someone else and found out that he and OW had been divorced for over a year.
My H deliberately didn't tell, but that's another story and we have sorted it out.

Do you think I should phone OW's husband now that I know he is divorced and have a chat to him about why they got divorced and if my H was involved at all. He may have known that she was having an A but I don't think he knows that she was having an A with my H (he was a golfing buddy of my A). Also do you think I should try and make and ally of him and through him find out if my H is still in contact with his exW.

Or should I just leave it alone?? I think my biggest problem with this whole thing is that MY H REFUSES TO DISCUSS THE A AT ALL AND I AM HAVING A DIFFICULT TIME RECOVERING ON MY OWN AS I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DETAILS OF THE A.

Perhaps is I make an ally out of him, he could find out something from her side and let me know. This may be a stupid idea. . .I know you guys will soon tell me so that is why I am asking you.

Hi Enid,

My first thoughts are why would you want to drag the OW's H into anything??? If you spill the beans that your H was having an A with his ex-W, could the OW's H become violent and possibly try and harm your H???

I don't think that the OW's ex-H will be much of an 'ally' for you. The issues that you and your H have are between you... they are not between you and the OW or the OW's H...

I really don't see any good coming out of talking with the OW's ex-H... but that's just my $0.02

Semper Fi,
RIF

Thanks for your input. That is why I asked the question. I don't think the OW's ex would get violent with my H. I think he would be very dissapointed in my H because he highly respected my H.

I think my frustration with this whole matter is that I am not 100% sure it is over and I also don't know anything about the A. As I said my H refuses to discuss it at all. . .it is hampering my recovery.

It was just a thought on my part. . .making the exH my ally. I value all your opinions and will listen to anything you have to say.

I am going to suggest that you do contact the ex. In my case, exposing the A to OMW was the ticket. And, it was not due to OM wanting to save his own M, they were already separated and had file D papers. It was the information I gathered from OMW (his previous affair) that did the trick. When I told my WW about this, she went to him and asked about it, he did not deny it and it led to other questions such as, would you do the same to me? Of course, she should have already known the answer given that she was doing the same thing but that's the beauty of the FOG... She said the deal breaker was that on their first date <puke> she asked him if he had ever done anything like that and he said no, first words out of his mouth to her were lies...

I would gather whatever information you can from him and use it to your best advantage. All's fair in love and war and this involves both.

Sorry I have been off line for a couple of days while we have been moving offices. I have had two conflicting replies to my question. I would like a few more opinions on whether or not I should speak to the OW's ex husband or not. I have met him a couple of times and he seems a very nice man. I could also do with an ally in my corner. I haven't phoned him yet because I value the advice on this form and try and follow it to the best of my ability.

Please some advice would be appreciated.

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<small>[ January 25, 2005, 01:53 AM: Message edited by: *blondblossom* ]</small>

I say expose to whomever will listen! I do!

Thanks for your answers. As far as I know Ow's husband doesn't know that his W had an affair with my husband. He might have had a feeling that she was having an affair but he certainly didn't know it was with my H. He passed my H in the car the other day and waved and shouted out the window "we must get together for a game of golf". . .or so my WH tells me.. . .but then again my WH is the king of liars. So I have no idea if they got divorced because of her A, I am sure it contributed to the divorce but they may have had other problems.

I am going to think long and hard on this and I would appreciate as many thoughts as possible. I do know that if I phone OW's husband I am going to swear him to secrecy. . .I don't want him to tell my H that I phoned him. . .that would be a major LB for my WH and my WH is not the most understanding man in the world. . .he would have a fit and we would end up in a huge fight. If I do it I will need to swear the OW's husband to respect my confidence and if he wants to phone my H and blast him. . .he has got to say he heard the news via someone else. Also I have to make sure he doesn't tell his ExW that I phoned him, because as sure as God made little apples she will use it as an excuse to phone my H.

As I say I am not going to do this in haste I will wait for more answers from you guys before I make up my mind what to do.

Thanks for you input.

I really encourage you to tell the OW's husband!!!! That could be the nail in the coffin for this affair. You HAVE to get it out in the open!
My WH got really pi$$ed that I told all of our friends and his family. Now, all of the friends "we" had are only my friends now. His family is a different story though. They are all in denial and blame me for his affair. They don't talk to me anymore. I guess they have to blame someone and blaming their own son is out of the question. They wouldn't dare make him take responsability for his actions!!!!

I really encourage you to tell the OW's husband!!!! That could be the nail in the coffin for this affair. You HAVE to get it out in the open!
My WH got really pi$$ed that I told all of our friends and his family. Now, all of the friends "we" had are only my friends now. His family is a different story though. They are all in denial and blame me for his affair. They don't talk to me anymore. I guess they have to blame someone and blaming their own son is out of the question. They wouldn't dare make him take responsability for his actions!!!!

This is only my opinion, but I don't see the point in telling the OW's ex-H unless they are very good friends still and he might have some influence over her.

The point in exposing to a OP's spouse is to make sure they're informed so that they can make a good decision. The ONLY reason I can see for telling him is so that he knows the truth about what happened. But there's no decision to be made for him as he's already divorced.

He cannot threaten to leave the OW and therefor make contact risky for her. He cannot inform enid about any contact since he probably has no means of knowing if it occurs, etc.

I just cannot see how this would help to end the affair unless OW and her ex-H are very good friends and he still has a strong influence over her.

The point that he will know the truth is a valid one, but I'm not sure in the case it's appropriate for enid to be giving it to him.

Again thanks for your answers. I am still very betwixt and between as to whether or not to phone the OW's X. He still sees her frequently because they have two young children which he has access to.

I will mull over it a bit longer and hope for some more sage advice from the marriage builders experts.