Someone recommended a book for singles to me -- called He's Just Not That Into You...

Some things in there really hit home but nothing more than being in a relationship where you are waiting. The basic idea is that, if you are waiting, the guy thinks he's special and you're not because he's willing to let you put your life on hold for him.

My H is now spending 15 hours per week with me, the absolute bedrock principle that is in the MarriageBuilders program. He is working on meeting my need for affection, and is doing a passable to terrific job. The problem is that he is just so nasty. Last night, he was disciplining our daughter, she screamed, I called her to me, and he said I was undermining his authority. The problem was that I didn't know she was being disciplined. I had fallen asleep because I wasn't feeling well and had awaken when I heard her. So -- he yells at me in front of our daughter -- that I was undermining his authority. Earlier in the week, I asked him if I could finish up the little that was left of the Kalua, and he says OK and then he tells our son that your mother has her priorities and wants to get drunk. I didn't address that immediately in front of our son but later told him I was offended. If he has a concern about my drinking, he needs to address it with me and in the meantime please don't have alcohol in the house. He also told me he doesn't think I can meet his needs. When I asked him what they were or why, he didn't want to say.

On the positive side, he decided to go to therapy, and he's serious enough about it that he is going five times this month. I am trying to address my concerns about his treatment of me and specifically am telling him that I don't like when he tells me what I think or feel or the intent behind my actions. For example, with our three year old, I wasn't undermining his authority. I didn't know she was being disciplined. If he had explained, then I would not have had a problem with telling her she needed to go to her room.

The therapist I have been seeing since two months after my H's affair began (and one month before he broke my arm when we were arguing about this woman) told me that my job is to inform him of how I feel, not try to change his behavior. His response doesn't matter. When his response is so nasty, especially in front of the children, it is hard to take. He has told me countless times that I am telling him I am wrong when I say, for example, that I wasn't undermining his authority.

What is going on here? It seems to me that a person can develop a reasonable perception but it is appropriate to be open to clarification. I was asleep. I didn't know she was being disciplined. That's a clarification.

Has anyone else encountered this? If so, what did you do? Thank you.

Cherished

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 08:01 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Cherished,

What's wrong is that you're living with an abusive man who continually disrespects you and has severely injured you in the past. You are trying to put a band aid on a hemorrage. I'm very glad that he is willing to go to counseling....because he needs it...and I continue to believe that you need to remove yourself from physical and emotional danger (ALONG with your CHILDREN!) until such time as this man can be trusted. And BTW, he doesn't have to hit your are hurt you again....all he has to do is to threaten you again and you can get a restraining order if you are afraid of him.

Cherished what does YOUR IC say about you staying with this man????

star*fish,
My IC is the daughter of the IC whom my H started seeing. I first went to her in 11/01, two months after the first kiss and about six weeks before the broken arm. She said that I need to focus on what I can do to make myself the type of person I want to be and inform Tom of my needs and what is negative. My job is to inform, not control. She told me that her father is appalled by his violence and affair and his impression is that Tom is sincere in trying to address his problems.

What I am trying to do is inform without offending. It's turning out to be difficult.

Cherished

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 02:12 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Hi Cherished:

I've been reading your posts for a long time. There are a few people on MB who are living in abusive relationships, and although I've never posted before, I'd like to add my two cents.

You are giving an exact description of how my husband treated me (minus the physical abuse).
Nobody (including you and me) can have a healthy relationship with an abuser. You can tell him your feelings until you are blue in the face, but an abuser could care less what they are. That's the reality.

Why haven't you considered separation, at least as a measure to protect the children from his behavior?

CHerished,

What discipline method does your H use? I shuttered when I read that your daughter screamed. That worries me..and it makes me concerned for you.

Regarding IC, my husband's IC thought my husband was very interested in addressing his issues as well, but shortly thereafter, he dropped out of therapy. Sometimes abusive people can seem very sincere in wanting to change, but you never see the actions to support it. My husband use to use his "emotional problems" as an excuse to continue bad behavior.

***He is working on meeting my need for affection, and is doing a passable to terrific job. The problem is that he is just so nasty.***

Cherished -- do you not see the tremendous illogic and outright denial in these two sentences? No one in a normal relationship would ever dream of putting those two sentences together and thinking it somehow makes sense.

I have read your story for a long time, and the friend who gave you the book *He's Just Not That Into You* is exactly right.

MB principles are not going to work in your case. They do not work when there is emotional and physical abuse. You are, as another poster said, trying to stop a hemorrhage with a bandaid. I think you are in a fog of your own and I sincerely hope you come out of it before it is too late.
Mulan

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mulan:
<strong> ***He is working on meeting my need for affection, and is doing a passable to terrific job. The problem is that he is just so nasty.***

Cherished -- do you not see the tremendous illogic and outright denial in these two sentences? No one in a normal relationship would ever dream of putting those two sentences together and thinking it somehow makes sense.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cherished,
I can hear myself saying those same words not long ago and *thinking* they made sense.

My WH treated me like that too, minus the physical abuse. Said the same things almost EXACTLY. I took it for THIRTY years and it never got better. I always had an excuse for staying...raising our daughter, he was in counseling, the good times were good, I loved him and *knew* he really loved me...

I know it's hard for you to think of separating from him, with the young children, the good times, the "love"...PLEASE think of your future and your children's.

I didn't separate from him until now, when I'm 50 years old. I regret that only now am I becoming free with who knows how much time left to live a healthy life. Now my daughter is an adult and I'm working hard to help her heal from the emotional damage he did to her. I used to think he was "pushing" her to excel, but no, he was abusing her too. I'm lucky she's still with me and that I still have a chance to help her.

Be strong Cherished. These people prey on the innocent.

Tonight, he's depressed, so he's downstairs watching TV. I'm 46. There were about 10 days of good times in more than 11 years of marriage. My IC, who has been with me through all but 8 months of this horror (when I dropped her and took Tom's recommendation to contact Sophia's therapist to get a good therapist -- and this was when I still didn't think there was an A) thinks I should focus on doing what I can to be a person I am proud of and address goods and bads to Tom. Her father thinks he is sincere in addressing his concerns.

Nevertheless, I am REALLY tired of waiting. He has gone three weeks of spending 15 hours per week with me. He says things that it wouldn't make sense would come from the mouth of a person who is sincere in wanting to build a great marriage.

This is from "He's Just Not That Into You": "Sometimes all the psychological help in the world can't do anything. Sometimes boredom just has to set in. You get bored with always having less than everybody else seems to have, less than what you want. You start thinking that maybe you actually deserve better, not because you learned to love yourself or lost all that weight or saw that great episode on Dr. Phil, but just because you got bored. Bored with the same type of misery over and over and over again."

My therapist said my job is to inform. Tom's response doesn't matter. What I take that to mean is that, at this point, Tom's response doesn't matter. Boredom is setting in.

I have a very cute little girl who wants to play Candyland several hours a day. Maybe it's better to do that than try to cope with nasty treatment by a husband who never was one.
Cherished

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 08:21 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>