My WW told me she got the papers to start for a divorce. She hasn't finished filling them out. (She told me this Thursday/ she got the papers Tuesday.)
On top of this she told me she's taking my stepson to his grandparents for the weekend .
She told me her weekend plans:
Friday-stay the night with brother who's in college.
Saturday: help friend from work paint (a girl I've never met) and go outwith friends from work. She says the OM MAY be there. Which means he will be there.
I told her thanks for being honest but I don't like that idea. Should I have tried to stop her?
Also my wife says she's really uncomfortable when I'm affectionate to her. Should I disregard those feelings and still hug her and kiss her?
argh!!!!!

Fighting,

What have you done in terms of a Plan A? Have you exposed this affair? Is OM married? Have you spoken to her parents? siblings? Is this a work related affair? Have you confronted her with your feelings?

You can't stop her from doing anything....but you can make respectful requests that she wait until THIS marriage is over before she starts dating.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Fighting 4 my wife:
<strong>Should I have tried to stop her?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you should expose the affair.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Fighting 4 my wife:
<strong>Should I disregard those feelings and still hug her and kiss her?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you should expose the affair.

Until you expose the affair, all other questions are much lower priority.

Expose the affair and all other questions may be moot.

See the link in my sig line below for some exposure info.

F4MW,

I'd like for you to consider the following. You have to make peace with the possibility that your marriage MAY be over and start to move on with your life by getting a life of your own. Start new activities [getting in shape; eating right; start classes; buy yourself new clothes] that you may have been putting off because of your marital problems and meet new people which may include women as well [no not to use and have an affair of your own] to help broaden your mind and make you aware of the incredible opportunities that are out there waiting for you. Most importantly, make sure that you don't hide this moving on with your life from your WW because there is NOTHING that attracts a WS like when the BS stops the pursuit of him/her and starts moving on with his/her life. Unless your WW's affair is of the exit type, there is a good chance that if you show her your moving on without her, that it MIGHT clear a little of her fog and realize what she is doing. As SoNumb aptly said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"ACT like you dont need her and that you will be fine without her, show confidence and start talking to women (and let her find out). She may not think she wants you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either. This will also help you gain confidence in yourself and you will KNOW you could be happy without her."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course, it's your call as to how you will handle your situation but I hope that at least you give some serious thought to what I have said. Good luck.

TMCM

Hey there Fighting….

I want to second what TCMC just told you. Now, I will be the first to tell you that I don’t know much… but one thing that I do know is that you CANNOT micro-manage your marriage thru this mess. It will only serve to make your W feel smothered and claustrophobic… NOT what you want right now.

For my money, had I to do it over again, I would expose, expose, expose… to EVERYONE. Be respectful to your W…. firm but fair, open with your feelings… and start the “moving on with life” process (in a way that is, of course, respectful to your marriage covenant). I would have dusted off the ole’ Bible a lot earlier in the process than I actually did and would have sought the counsel of a “higher authority” from the start. Infedelity is as old as marriage itself… and a far as I’m concerned there is no greater work to date on human nature and getting thru life than the Bible. They don’t call it the “greatest book ever written” for nothing!

Good luck and hang in there. I know it feels like she has ripped your still beating heart out and tossed it on the ground to tap dance across… but it gets better and you will get thru it.

In hind sight...I wish I could have found this site BEFORE my divorce....!!!!!!!

TMCM...nailed it...move on...just do not be "bitter" about it....do not rub it in her face...be subtle..

I begged my XW to give me chances, not to file, even after she filed I only signed them because I agreed to in court...

As soon as it appeared I moved on...I had a girlfriend (I dated for 9 months before she even knew it...I knew of her dating immediately...she made sure...)...I did things in the community...I talked to her (I was devestated every time I saw her or had to speak to her)....she "noticed"...

part of me wanted to "not care"....but after a few months she opened up to me about how she really felt...so...IT IS AS HARD AS IT SOUNDS!!! Take his advice and find some other things to do...and do not nder any circumstances allow her to walk all over you...

Good luck....

If I move on, how am I fulfilling her EN's?
Wouldn't that go against Plan A?
Do you suggest I start dating? Or should I just not wait around the house for her return?

I just have to say I would love it if my husband was named "Fighting 4 my wife". Sigh!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Fighting 4 my wife:
If I move on, how am I fulfilling her EN's?
Wouldn't that go against Plan A?
Do you suggest I start dating? Or should I just not wait around the house for her return?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As far as Plan A goes, here is what Dr Willard Harley has to say about it:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.

In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Notice he says the BS agrees to meet the WS EN AFTER the affair has ended not during. This makes perfect sense and it is ludicrous to beleive that the foggy WS will open him/herself up to the BS meeting those EN when the OP is doing that already. So aside from financial support and domestic support, you can't fulfill the other EN until after the WS ends the affair and ends all contact with the OP forever.

Moving on to your life does not mean you are filing for divorce [she is the one who is going to have to do that]. The only thing you are doing is becoming an attractive individual who is emotionally strong to accept the possibility that his marriage may be over and will take care of himself in positive ways that will enrich his life [without getting himself involved with another woman]. You are pursuing your own happiness and showing her that while you love her, you don't need her to survive and thrive, if the two of you get divorced.

I hope I helped clear any confusion for you.

TMCM

Kind Of. My fear is if I tell her I don't need her, she will leave me. She and I both agreed that she has some issues to work on, and I've told her I want to be able to help her with it. And I've told her that I worry that if she leaves me she won't be helping herself become a better person, but instead perpetuate the problem she has of running away when things get tough.
Is that a LB?

F4MW

I think you have the wrong idea about PLAN A.
It is NOT a step all over me plan, or a plan to stop living while waiting for the crumbs from a WS to come your way, it is a plan to end the A.
To be effective the plan MUST have some boundaries you put in place that you must stick to.
Boundaries for her behaviour and yours.

E.g. one might be talk about OM if she brings it up you firmly politely say I requested that you do not talk with me about OM except to say you are no longer in contact etc etc.

You meet her EN's - and its likely she wont let you do that much so deep in the fog right now - that she allows you to meet when you interact together. You present the ENs and she will accept some and reject others, BUT it demonstrates to her over time what SHE is giving up.
Like all plans, sometimes they work sometimes they don’t. That’s when you move to Plan B etc.

But for now, PLAN A, you DO not stop living. As a FWW myself the advise you got about going out and seeing others, females included - not having an affair unless you want to end your M!! - was a good one. Go out with a few people and let her know in general conversation that you are going out. Perhaps at the end of the conversations like Ok have to go now I am going out with Jane or Jill etc etc and some friends.
I know that even now I am hyper sensitive to any female acquaintance around my H, not to obsessively but just AWARE.

So start living and don’t mope all over your WW waiting for a call or contact or ANYTHING as hard as that may be. That will just turn her off you completely while she is in this fog.

Remember your doting on the smallest contact from her is actually enabling the A because she has NOTHING to compare it too. Well you wanted a fight to win her back so GET FIGHTING.

My problem is this.. with my hectic schedule (working overnights and working overnights on weekends)its hard to for me to find something to do when she is around. Also the only friends I am close to are friends of both of us. I don't want her to think I'm turning them against them. (btw I have more female friends than male friends.) I guess I need to discover what to do with myself.

oh by the way.. i admit I am still a little foggy about the whole Plan A thing. (maybe I still have fear of the worse possible outcome.) In my mind I can accept it. I can't say it out loud, (except in a sarcastic tone) and when she brings up the idea of divorce, I start to physically shake uncontrollably.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Fighting 4 my wife:
[QB] Kind Of. My fear is if I tell her I don't need her, she will leave me. She and I both agreed that she has some issues to work on, and I've told her I want to be able to help her with it. And I've told her that I worry that if she leaves me she won't be helping herself become a better person, but instead perpetuate the problem she has of running away when things get tough.
Is that a LB?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me explain something to you. When a BS tells the WS in an ongoing affair that he/she needs him/her, the BS is putting tremendous emotional pressure and instead of attracting the WS, it repulses the WS and just makes him/her want to get away from the BS. Also, the BS motives will be suspect because he/she did not give a hoot about the WS prior to finding about the existence of the affair.

Telling your WW that you don't need her is most likely going to be taken by her as a cruel statement from you and not as a simple statement of fact. No, if you want the latter to be conveyed to her, you will have to show her with your actions [getting yourself in shape, buying new clothes, starting new hobbies and activities, meeting new friends, etc.].

Your fear of losing your W is your biggest enemy. You have to accept the fact that if your W truly doesn't want to remain married to you, there is nothing you can do about it and the best thing you can do for yourself is to make peace with it. If she tells you that she wants a divorce, say to her:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Honey, I want our marriage to work. But you're right, it's not working. I'll help you move out." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If she complains that it is unfair for her and your stepson to move out, then simply say to her in a calm, quiet and respectful way:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"You are right it is unfair to ALL of us but it is withing OUR reach and power to correct this unfairness by doing what we BOTH know is the right thing. I'm willing to do my part, are you willing to do yours?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you convey these messages to her with a confident humility, you may find that her response may be one of backing off from the idea of divorce. Please think about this.

TMCM