I'm the guilty party in this EA. My H knows the situation and has been understanding. He thinks it's his fault but I know it took the two of us to get where we are.

We've talked endlessly and are getting nowhere. I've not gotten past the NC stage - don't know that I can/will. But this morning my H got up early and I asked him why.. he couldn't sleep... I asked him what was wrong... he responded with, "Why do you want to know? You don't care."

That's the problem. I DO care. I care about him very much. I don't hate him. Maybe he thinks I don't care because I am not willing to forgive/forget everything. I've been dealing with things for over a year now... How can he expect me to just act normal?

What can I do to help him feel like I do care even though I'm in a state of confusion? I don't know if I want our marriage to work, but I care very much about his well-being.

If you cared so much about his well being then you would have made a decision by now.

Either leave him or preferably leave that OM alone for the rest of your life.

By keeping OM in your life you are telling your H that he is not worthy of the repect that he sounds like he deserves from his wife.

By keeping H in your life at the same time as OM you are telling H that you need to be safe and that H makes it safe for you...hmmmmmmmm Sounds like you are safe with H, make it safe for him now.

Please.

The OM is in the military and will soon be deployed. When things get to him and he talks to me about the issues he gets it off his chest and thanks me for listening to him. I care about him very much and I worry about what he might do when deployed if I cut all contact. I'm hoping that while he's gone I'll be able to figure things out. It'll be forced NC because of the situation and then if I'm simply in a fog it should lift, right?

I don't want to leave my H because I may truly be in this fog. The OM has told me to take the time I need to see if things will work out between my H and I, and I know I owe it to my H to attempt to fix things. All the OM has asked is that I let him know what I decide when he returns.

Tell OM now, before he goes. Or better yet just don't talk to him ever again. He will surive without you.

There is no time like the present, so stop procrastinating. Every minute, hour, day that you continue with OM the love your H has for you dwindles.

It would be a tragedy for you to wake up one day and the two of you be in the same house but dead to each other at the same time.

If you want your M then do what you have to do now.

That's the problem. I DO care. I care about him very much. I don't hate him. Maybe he thinks I don't care because I am not willing to forgive/forget everything. I've been dealing with things for over a year now... How can he expect me to just act normal?

Maybe he thinks I don't care because I am not willing to forgive/forget everything.

So is that what he is asking you to do...
especially someone who says...
He thinks it's his fault

Or is it you that holds on to the past indegressions...and uses them to proliferate your continued contact with your OM?

His question is real...
your actions are those of someone who does not care...


the term fog is not an excuse...as you want to wear it...the fog is a direct result of YOUR actions...

you are like an alcoholic who keeps drinking and blacking out....and then claiming you black out because you suffer from alcoholism...

but really it is the injestion of the alchohol...
...

abstaining alcoholics don't black out..
because they choose not to drink...

just as you and your husband suffer the effects of your continual contact...

fog thinking does not go away with no contact...
it goes away when you decide to live kindly to those that care about you....

I don't want to leave my H because I may truly be in this fog.

that is a very cruel and uncaring statement...

your actions perpetuate the exact 'thing' that is occuring in your life...

you are the direct result of your own actions...

continued contact after exposure is uncaring...
and to claim otherwise in words only without action is hurtful...and even hateful..
atleast how do you expect your husband to see it differently...

ARK

The problem is that you aren't SHOWING him that you care.

If you do really care, prove it.

Drop the OM TODAY. Do it NOW.

And then, you'll be in a much better postion to work on your marriage.

AS,

I do believe that you have this all backwards. You should end all contact with OM NOW, before he ships out. Then you have all of that period with NO CONTACT and that means phone calls, emails, anything to try and rebuild your marriage. If it is being rebuilt then when OM comes back NC continues. If your marriage has ended then YOU can contact OM.

OM does not get to dictate when YOUR marriage will be healed or addressed, and you don't owe him an explanation when he comes back.

Notice that I have said NOTHING about your H. Do you know why? He cannot do a thing until you decide to end this affair and you have not. He is right you don't care. You are rubbing it in his face and you don't care how much it hurts him, humiliates him, or tortures him.

YOU have to make some decisions and you need to make them now before OM ships out.

God Bless,

JL

PS: In case you don't know it, one or the other of these men WILL NOT be your friend. They cannot be your friend once this is over. Either you choose your H and hopefully make the marriage work in which case OM cannot be in your life at all. Or you destroy the marriage in which case your H would be nuts to have you as a friend.

I just wanted to burst that bubble now. It does not work out that "we are all friends" in these situations.

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AnotherStatistic:
<strong> When things get to him and he talks to me about the issues he gets it off his chest and thanks me for listening to him. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He can confide in another. It is up to you to withdraw from his life. By "being there" for OM, you essentially say to your H that his feelings don't matter.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AnotherStatistic:
<strong>I care about him very much and I worry about what he might do when deployed if I cut all contact. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whatever he does while deployed should be no concern of yours whatsoever. Even if you go NC and he commits suicide over it, that would be his decision and no fault of yours. And, hey, how about worrying about what is happening, right under your very nose, to the man you promised to love all of his life? Why aren't you worrying about what all of this is doing to HIM?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AnotherStatistic:
<strong>I'm hoping that while he's gone I'll be able to figure things out. It'll be forced NC because of the situation and then if I'm simply in a fog it should lift, right?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You'll figure it out when YOU CHOOSE NO CONTACT. The fog will not likely lift just because circumstances have put distance between the two of you. You aren't really choosing to work on your marriage, can't you see that? You are hoping, by default, to break your emotional ties to OM. And it won't work. As long as you entertain thoughts and caring about him, you will be in a relationship with him, no matter where he is deployed. And you H is on the outside, looking in, and feeling unloved.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AnotherStatistic:
<strong>I don't want to leave my H because I may truly be in this fog. The OM has told me to take the time I need to see if things will work out between my H and I, and I know I owe it to my H to attempt to fix things. All the OM has asked is that I let him know what I decide when he returns. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See? You're stating your real intentions here, perhaps without even realizing it. I see what you wrote above like this:

"I don't want to leave my H because I'll feel crummy walking out on my vows. I feel bad for him and I owe it to him to play along at this recovery thing just so everyone knows I tried. And, gee, OM is so wonderful to understand this and he'll stick around as long as I need him to. Ain't he grand."

Your H can't win. You're smitten by OM. You won't truly give him up. You can't truly work on your marriage when you can't even be honest with yourself.

Your H is right, AS. You DON'T care about him.

~ Snow