I can tell you are feeling frustrated, and I am sorry if I seem harsh. But I also know from my own experience, that if my counseling group had not been incredibly harsh to me, then I would not have made it to where I am today. And it is a HUGE difference.
It's funny - I have a friend who is in a relationship much like yours and mine (was). She called me yesterday evening and asked me to dinner. I drove 45 minutes out of my way to meet her for pizza. My mother called in the middle of dinner, and when I was on the phone with her, all of a sudden, I see the waiter bring my friend's check. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I looked at her perplexed....
She said that she had forgotten to pay her electric bill, and that her lights hadn't been turned on yet, and she needed to go home to check that out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Then it hit me......her boyfriend had called 5 minutes earlier. She had told him she was "grabbing a bite to eat" - not that she was having dinner with me. She had to go home b/c he wouldn't have
allowed her to be at dinner with me - b/c it would be taking away from
his time. You see, he doesn't
allow her to do things if it's not when he wants, how he wants, and if it doesn't fit his little vision. Even if it is harmless. How much damage could a one and a half hour dinner with me do? It was just dinner! There's nothing wrong with dinner! I see her maybe three times a month! So she left and I finished dinner alone.
Sound familiar?
Sad thing is, I got a really good taste of what I
used to do to others, in order to make my H happy. And you know what? Being on the receiving side last night HURT. It hurt really badly. I was very down today as a result. I was angry with her. I was angry that I drove out of my way, and she didn't even have the courtesy to tell me the truth. Yet I
was her at one point....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
She called me today, and said that she and him had gotten in a fight.....she told him she was going to get her nails done today, and would be back a little later than usual. He got angry, told her that they didn't spend enough time together last night, and that if she was going to get her nails done, then he was going to leave and go sleep in his own apartment. So she said 'fine.' She did stand up for herself. But then she called him later and told him good night.
She called me to ask if I wanted to get a drink with her, but I didn't. Aside from the fact that I don't really feel like drinking tonight, I know that I am sloppy seconds. And aside from that, if I go out with her, then he will say "you chose LIT over me - you can't hang out with her anymore." No wonder all my friends and family backed so far off from me. No wonder I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. No wonder I always felt torn between friends and my H.
I have lost a lot of respect for her as a person. Because she will start to put up a boundary, but when it doesn't result as she had hoped, then she falls back into the same old pattern.
KMEJ - I don't want that for you. I want you to respect yourself more. Our situations are much more similar than you may realize. And there are certain keys to turning yourself around. I really am happier now, KMEJ - even without my H. I didn't think I could be, but I
am. And I hope to find a healthy love in the future. I do have hope!
KMEJ - I really like you when you are honest. Even when you are not the 'good guy.' My post to you was not to tell you that you were wrong, or that you are bad - but rather to help you fight in a healthy way that will in turn teach your H respect, as well as build your own self respect. I hope you are able to see that.
PS - Sometimes when I got too frustrated with my group, and felt overwhelmed - I would tell them that I needed some space to process what had been said. And I would take that time - without updating on my situation, etc. I would just take time, and continue as far along the path as I could. It is a path, and you will not make each step perfectly. I often felt persecuted by my group members - first I was accused on not getting angry. When I got angry, then they harped on me about not standing up for myself. When I stood up for myself, they harped on me for not setting boundaries, and enforcing them.
KMEJ, I went through the same learning curve you are. It hurts. I know. It hurts a lot. But the end result will be worth it, I promise. (((KMEJ)))
If you need some space, then ask for it.
But one thing - please try to realize when you are latching onto the 'support' factor. That puts you back into your 'foggy' state. It's an escape factor - a corner of that room where you don't see the light. But all it does is prolong your personal recovery. Face the light, but know when you need to rest to adjust your eyes. It's OK to just adjust and practice what you've learned so far. Just realize that there are some more steps ahead.
You can do this. I promise.
