My sad WH, the workaholic, thinks he's been a great dad. He goes to work at 7 a.m. and might be home, even pre-OW, at 7:30-8 p.m. if we're lucky. Sometimes a whole lot later. He works Saturdays and a lot of Sundays. He takes business calls at night and weekends. He does his work email in the evening. He's been pretty much mentally absent for the last 7 months. And physically gone for 9 of those weeks and home in a fog during the A for 4 more weeks. This schedule nothing new, it's been going on forever. If he attends any of their activities, he slids in at the last minute and leaves, often without a goodbye, ASAP. Seldom goes to their schools. Hardly ever knows what's going on. Doesn't know their friends. He never plays games with them. The neighbor taught them how to ride bikes. If I'm away for the evening, he usually can't be bothered to put away dinner or get the kids to bed. They don't remember many meaningful conversations with him at all.

Don't get me wrong. He's earns a comfortable living at a job he loves. As much as we try, my kids and I have never been able to draw him into the family. He says we're drifting apart but has made little effort to join the current of family life. Granted, his income has allowed me to be a SAHM. I really appreciate that. I think that's the main reason our kids have turned out to be such wonderful people.

How would rate this man on fatherhood? Even if he hasn't love me or wanted to be around me for the "years" he says, do you think he might have tried to carve out a little more time for his kids? Guys, how much time do you spend with your children?

I think it's up to your kids to rate their dad, not me. But I will tell you that I spend every weekend with my girls, cook meals for them and try to remain connected to what's going on.

It's not easy.

I'm also trying to have a social life now that I've met a wonderful woman. Sometimes it's difficult in that I have to get a babysitter to watch them; I feel a little guilty. But I deserve to have a life, too, I guess.

Funny you should ask this question today of all days. I'm just back from my lawyer after my ex threatened to take the kids away from me because I can no longer put my youngest daughter on the school bus Monday mornings.

Did you put your kids on the bus before you got D? I don't think WH has ever even been to the bus stop. Do you spend more time with them now then you did before?

my kids are with me at work, right now. not much work getting done. but who cares. i changed careers 2 times to spend more time w/kids my ww on the other hand volunteers for any xtra thing that comes up at work she is out of town as we speak on a volunteer project. but who cares they are the losers in these situations. i wish i could be a stay at home DAD. what im saying is dont beat yourself up, ive begged and pleaded to no avail for her to be a sah, they make there choice. a couple hours a night set aside for kids would not be detrimental to their careers.


the sad part is the kids are the real losers in these sit.

HC i can't imagine not spending time every day with our kids. even before my wife's A, i spent as much time w/them as posible. our oldest daughter is a soph. in h.s., varsity b-ball player, youngest daughteris in 8th grade, varsity b-ball and i have never missed a game. until this year when they sometimes play on the same night, and then me and w each go to different games. i go to the one farthest away so w doesn't have to drive alone to far at night. not that she is not capable, i just worry alot. also, whoever stays for the close game, takes our 6 year old son so he can get home in bed earlier.i have never missed a play or concert at school or church that my kids were in. when it is not sport seoson, we try to have "family night" on friday, usually pizza and a movie. i am not trying to brag, but my kids are my life. especially right now. maybe that is partly what went wrong with us, i didn't spend enough quality time with my wife. i should have given her more attention. but i thoght we were doing ok......anyway, i don't think i am that great of a guy, but different people have different priorities. i am just a blue collar guy making a decent living, but you can't put a price on the time and attention you give your kids. also, how his parents raised him has a lot to do with his parenting. you learn alot from them. i was never told by my parents that they love me, but i knew they did.my wife on the other hand, grew up in a family that was very affectionate. thats how i wanted our family to be. i tell all 3 kids ily every day and kiss them g/night every night. i bathe our son every night b/cause the wife has a bad back. then i read him 2 books and take him to bed, followed by mom to help tuck him in... i am sorry i am rambling, but i am a little down tonite and was just lurking when i saw your post.... reading this ,it seems my wife and i are a pretty good parenting team, i just hope and pray that someday she will truly love me and want to be with me again. thanks for listening arjdad

Even in this sitch, I think of my kids first even over myself and the ww..

My kids are what keep me going, we build forts out of blankets, we play hide an seek in the house, we watch movies and eat pop-corn...I read to my youngest..

Last night he was running his hands over my two days growth of beard and told me that he loves me and that he would appreciate if I cut my face off..( Beard ) I started laughing so hard...


I try and spend at least 30 plus hours a week with my kids...this also includes I attend every function, This i never did before but lately I do..

HC,

yes, I put them on the bus the last 2 yrs of the marriage. In a nutshell, I ran the house while my WW was going to school to get her teaching degree and having "extra-curricular activity" on the side.

The bus agreement was never written in to the parenting plan. She just assumed I would do it forever.

I'd say I spend a little less time with the girls now than before the D, but what time I spend is better time.

I'm not the world's best dad. I have a lot of faults, but I try to do what's best for my kids because I love them.

This is a great idea for a thread. Thanks.

I'd have to sit and do a mental count of the hours I spend with each child. Which I will do when I have a few moments... (after I go hang with my son <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) Of the top of my head I'd guess 20-30...

BUT... do we count hours where we are just going about our daily activites or hours where we are directly focused in a one-on-one? What about watching TV together? What if he gets up in the middle of the night and joins me in bed?

dewt

I'm in the process of reading Dr.Phil's "Family First" book. And one of the stats he mentions, is that after the breakdown of a M, only 50% of dads spend ANY time with their kids.

I would hazzard a guess that those same dads didn't spend much time with the kids before the breakdown of their parents' relationship.

My ex didn't spend much time with the boys all the while we were together... although if we were visiting anyone, especially his parents, he put on quite the show, let me tell you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I've been separated from him for over 2 yrs now. And since the day we left (Nov 24, 2002), I would have to say that the ex has spent maybe 20 hours with the boys. The last time was on June 14, 2003, even though the court order states that he can see them every other weekend, and I offerred up a few times every week if he wanted. He didn't take the offer, obviously.

His loss. No one's gain. Oh well!

Karen

Let’s see. When I’m not at work and DS12 is not at school we are together.

I attend all school functions, am an assistant Scout Leader, help him with homework and trumpet practice, we are together every week at church, and when his friends are over I am here. I drive him to school and pick him up afterwards at least half the time.

When W is away he climbs in bed with me to fall asleep. Then I carry him into his room. When W left after DDay2 he was so devastated I took him to a child physiologist and I have attended every session since.

We clean house together, do yard work together, and build model rockets together. We hike and ride bikes together. We are attending a concert tonight together.

I estimate that adds up to at least 50 hours a week one-on-one. But who’s counting. There is nowhere else I would rather be. They grow up way too fast.

If anything I will have to let him start to do more on his own soon.

While typing this, he and I are the only ones home and he is doing homework next to me.

T

When my wife (then g'friend) announced to me that she was pregnant when I was 20 and she was 17, we were both devastated. We figured our lives were over. In fact, our lives were just beginning.

I do not know where I would be if I did not have my 2 yr old daughter. I spend as much time with her as I can, which will be even more when I make the job change next week.

My daughter is a lot like her mother, which is a constant reminder of why I married that woman.

I know I am a good father, but I see lots of room for improvement and work towards it every day.


-DKelly

Hmmm tough one.

I have her half the time but when it is my time she's always with me and home with me all summer and every vacation - I use a nanny so I can work from home.

Tough question... not sure it is a fair one really because there have been times when I did not have time to play with her... like when that $10K private school tuition comes due. I go to the PTA, talk to her teachers, drive her to school and back, go over her spelling owrds and Bible verse each week until he has them nailed...

When there are two parents and one stays home, the one working their tail off outside the home shouldn't get dumped on. I've done it (had to) and missed a lot.

For two years my XW spent more time - she was a SAHM but from 6-10 I cooked, cleaned, did the baby chores and laundry and then slept. When XW took off things changed - I became fulltime mom and dad.
When mom came back to town I became halftime/fulltime parent.

So... I've been all over the map on this with one common thread. For 9 years my life has been about her. How I expressed that varied according to what the situation called for.

Sometimes, I work too much to better our lives... but I always get a laugh when people examine the french braids, the herringbone ponytail or the painted nails and ask if mommy or step mommy did it and she looks at them like they are kidding and says "That's a daddy job!"

I don't knock the guy who is a workaholic with a stay at home. I knock the guy who gets divorced and gives up the kids - those pricks make it hard for guys like me to win custody.