Hi guys-thought I would post an update. I see that a lot of people read my posts even if they don't respond-and writing is supposed to therapeutic-right? lol.

ANYway-today was an ok day. H came by this morning to visit w/ the kids while I went out and finished up their Christmas presents. I asked him if he wanted me to pick up lunch and he said "I don't have any cash on me" and I said "I'll get it". So-I picked us up some lunch and got the presents and came back home. The kids were napping so we sat down and ate and talked. He again apologized for our fight and his hurtful words we had on Wed.and then he talked about his job and I talked about mine-and we just had conversation. I really made it a point to listen to him b/c he says I never did-and thats one thing OW does for him-she listens.

Afterwards, he helped me get my decorations out of our outside building. He and his mom are taking the kids shopping tomorrow while I am working-so we talked about that a bit and got it figured out. He said "thanks for letting them go and thanks for getting them ready (diaper bag, strollers, etc). Then he left-told me to be careful and have a good night tonight. I said "what makes you think I am going anywhere tonight?" he said "b/c you don't look that good to stay at home". I did go out to dinner w/ a girlfriend of mine but I didn't tell him what I was doing. He also told me "I think your right-the house being dirty was my fault b/c now everytime I am here it is clean...you do a good job". I said "well-thanks".

So-it was a nice day-but I know to not to over analyze it or put to much into it.....so i am going to take it for what it was-a nice, civil, peaceful day. I did catch him watching me and looking at me a lot....and he seemd kinda quiet and thoughtful-but who knows....tomorrow he will probably be a big jerk again-lol.

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Said it before, sure I will say it again...

small victories...take it and run!

like HH said, small victories.[ he has said that to me before also, and i find it to be good advice] maybe you can build on the small victories. i know we are all hoping our spouses will " come around" someday. good luck. arjdad

Oh he!!s bells, I didn't think anyone else's H had house cleaning complaints...I thought I was alone on that one. My husband listed my not keeping the house clean as one of his list of reasons he couldn't be with me anymore....funny thing is, my house IS clean, very clean......and his house is a filthy pit....so you tell me, whose fault was it the house was messy?! I think my husband checks things out (cleanliness wise) when he's here....but I don't clean the house so it'll pass his white glove test, I clean the house because it's easier than letting it get destroyed and then trying to clean it....I know it's no revelation to most that if you pick things up as you go the house doesn't get trashed, but it's a new concept to me LOL....I am organizationally challenged <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

So-here is what happened today. I had to work and H was supposed to some here and watch the kids. He called and said his battery was dead and he would be a little late-but he was on his way. He was very nice and pleasant and he apologized for the trouble.

H and his mom took the kids shopping today and they seem to have had a good time. I called and checked on the kids twice-once at 3 pm and once at 9 pm. H and I had pleasant conversation both times, he shared some funny stuff about the kids, and he told me to be careful coming home from work.

I got home and he hung around a bit. I asked him how he got his car started this morning and he said "I had someone bring me some jumper cables" and I said "oh". Of course I assume it was OW-but it might have been his dad. I didn't push it though-I left it at that. He follwed me in the other room and said "what's wrong?" I said "nothing-why" He said "you have been in a good mood all day until now-what's wrong" and I said "really-I'm fine". He looked at me and said "are you sure? You promise?" I said "yes-I am fine. Why do you care if I wasn't though?" He shrugged his shoulders and said "I don't know".

Then he looked at me and said "I am really sorry for the things I said the other day" (Last Wed) I said "it is ok-really." He said "I'll be sorry forever....I am so sorry". The he same towards me and...hugged me. A long hug-for a long time....while he was hugging me he said "you didn't deserve to hear those things.....I don't hate you-please don't think that". I freaked out a bit when he came towards me and I stepped back-then I hugged him back. Then he left-I told him to be careful.

WHAT is going on!? I liked the hug but I wish he hadn't....now it has me all messed up again. I have had an odd feeling all day-when he has talked to me it has seemed softer somehow....one time on the phone I had the strongest urge to tell him I love him....and I haven't wanted to do that in over a mth. I know this probably means nothing-I am sure he still feels the same way-but he sure acted differently today........sigh-whatever. I am going to go to bed and not worry about any of it.

Thanks for listening!

I talked to H on the phone last night after he left and we got to talking about my good friend who just found out she has cancer. H said "that would be scary-wouldn't it" and I said "yeah-it would". He said "you don't really think about life like that until it happens" and I said "yep-it could be any of us at any time". I think maybe he is thinking about things differently now-maybe he isn't thinking about just TODAY and himself-maybe he is thinking of the future and what he REALLY wants his life to be. Just a thought-and a BIG maybe....I'm probably reading way more into it than needs to be.

SATM,

You are in a delicate situation here. I say this because you can't really know what is going on in your husband's mind. As an outsider, I can suggest two possibilities:

1. He is relieved that the two of you are "getting along" and it is easing his horrible guilt over the things he said on Wednesday. He is thinking, for the first time, that even when you divorce, you can be friends and your kids won't take a huge emotional hit because of it. He sees the way being smoothed for his continuing relationship with OW. Life is good in fogland.

2. He is seeing you in a light he has not seen in a long, long time. He is remembering why he married you. He is standing back, because the pressure is off, and thinking, really thinking, about what he is giving up. He is wondering if he's really making the right decision leaving his family.

I am hoping for number 2, as I know you are. But at this point, it could just as easily be number 1. I would assume, for some time, that his newfound gentleness is due to the holiday season and accept the ground that has been taken back as though it is friendship only.

What's in a hug? It felt so good, but you might be completely misinterpreting it. By itself, it is just a hug between friends. Nothing more. And if that is hard for you, then you can gently tell him, if it happens again, "I am glad we are getting past our bitterness, WH, but it hurts me when you hug me. I still have deep feelings for you and it pains me to feel your arms around me. If we're working at being friends, it can't include anything physical between us. We can talk, love the kids, share stories, but we can't hug and trade pecks like old lovers. It hurts me too much. I'm sure you understand."

Don't set yourself up for a grand disappointment. Continue on the path you have set for your healing as it seems to be working for you. Take care.

~ Snow

Thanks Snowbelle-and I agree w/ your theories....it is probably one of the two-but which one I have NO idea. WH has always been one of the nicest people in the world....and he has never hurt anyone (until now) in his life-so I know this isn't easy for him. Not taking up for him-just saying.....

I worked today and he kept the kids-didn't talk much. I called to see how the kids were-they were fine-that was that. When I got home he was laying on the couch. I walked in the living room and he said "what's wrong?". There was nothing wrong...I looked at him and said "nothing-I'm fine" and he said "oh-ok....are you sure?". I was like "yeah". He has this obsession w/ something being wrong w/ me.

So-he started telling me about his day and I was going through picking up the house and he said "well-guess I'll go...bye" and I said "what-I was listening" and he said "yeah sure you were-never mind". I said "I am sorry if I made you mad" and he said "no-don't worry about it" and left. What is up w/ that? It is likde when he wants attention I should drop everything-but if I want to talk he doesn't and I shouldn't say anything??? AUGH-I hate mindgames. Whatever-I refuse to let any of this bother me anymore....God is in control and taking care of it and if WH chooses to listen to God he will and if not-his lose.

Well-it's late, I'm tired, gonna go kiss my babies and go to bed.

Night all

Sounds to me like he has the guilt coming on strong. Are you attempting to reconcile? What about marriage counselling?

Miker

Well-I would love to reconcile-but he says no. He claims he has no feelings for me anymore-but he is still VERY friendly w/ me......talks to me every day, asks my input on decisions, wants to spend christmas eve here overnight, etc. It may be his way of having the best of both worlds-who knows? His OW is a former "friend" of mine-and I don't exactly know how serious they are-but everytime he is w/ her he ends up crying to me b/c he feels so bad about it. And he refuses any kind of counceling-although he needs it-just for himself alone....he has some issues for sure-he cries all the time anymore.

I just talked to him on the phone and he asked me something about tomrrow and I told him I wouldn't be here (me and a g-friend are going shopping w/ the kids-but he doesn't know that) and he said something about my "boyfriend". I didn't say anything-he claims he doesn't care what I do-but he is always asking me what my plans are and fishing to see if I have a man around-which I don't.

Like I said before-mindgames.........