I haven't posted in quite a while, but I lurk almost everyday. I decided I need some help on what I should do now.

It's been more than a year since D-Day. WH moved out in July and is still there.

OW is married. Her husband knows about the A. OW claims that she does not want to leave her husband. She is a 41 year old SAHM w/ 3 kids. Her husband makes a lot of money. My WH only makes about 1/7 of her husbands salary, so she told WH he didn't make enough money for her to leave.

WH had a breakdown when OW told him she wasn't leaving. I tried to console him and just be there while he cried for 4 days. I convinced him to get on ADs which helped quite a bit.

As I predicted would happen, OW kept contacting WH and telling him she still loved him, but she was staying w/ her husband. She wanted to keep being friends.... Blah...Blah....Blah...

I've been in IC for a year. I feel a lot better about myself. WH has told me he notices the changes. WH has been in IC for a year too. Unfortunately, I don't really see any changes in him. He's still WAY addicted to OW. He figures she will eventually leave her husband, because she IS in love w/ WH.

In the meantime, WH still wants to be able to come over to my apt and eat and hang out and watch tv. He also initiates SF, which I will admit I sometimes give in to.

Our daughter is now 16. She of course loves her dad, but she is very angry at him too. WH was watching tv at our apt last week when she came home from a date. She told him that he needed to leave because he had moved out and shouldn't be there. WH asked her to spend more time w/ him, but she told him she didn't want to since he had chosen to move out and leave us. She gets mad at me when I tell her that I hope her dad and I will reconcile in time. She sees me as "weak" and told me to "get some backbone."

It breaks my heart that WH & DD are not close anymore. Up until a year ago, they were inseparable. I hope in time they will get back at least some of what's been lost.

Okay, now to my question. Do I go to Plan B now? I'm not sure WH will really care. He seems content to live by himself and only see OW at their band rehearsals which they both refuse to quit. I don't think giving up contact w/ me will even matter to him.

L&A

I think he would care greatly. Do not fool yourself, he is over all the time. Shut that door in his face and all he has is his pathetic time with a woman who does not want to leave her H (does her H know?). I think you should plan b unless you want to live like this forever. It is a hard road, but at the end of it you will know which way to turn, either you will go into recover, with your terms met, or you will be able to accept that it is over, you have done all you can, and it is time for a divorce and to move on.

L&A,

I would have to agree with KMEJ, I couldn't imaging doing a year of Plan A!!! That has got to be awful. Start Plan B, and if you haven't exposed to OW's H, please do so immediately! WH will be angry, but who cares at this point. Once OW's H knows that will put a lot of pressure on OW to not contact your H.

My 2 cents, Native

OWH does know about the affair. I don't know if he knows they still talk to & text eachother. He does know they see eachother every week at band rehearsals & performances.

I haven't Plan A'd for the whole year. I didn't find this site for several months. Until then, I was an absolute lost soul. I seriously considered suicide, but gave that up when I realized I didn't want to leave my beautiful daughter that that memory of me. I'm surprised I didn't lose my job, because I didn't go for days at a time and when I did show up, I was a zombie.

Wow, what a difference a year makes, huh?

Does Plan B have to be "announced/declared" with a written letter? I don't think WH would even read it. I was considering just telling him face to face. Something like...

"WH, you know I love you and want nothing more than to repair our marriage. You on the otherhand are only focused on OW. Until you are ready to completely give up all contact with OW, make your life an open book, and go to marriage counseling, you will need to cease all contact with me. Please don't call, text, and stop by.

DD is 16 years old. You can call her on her cell phone to arrange your visits. I encourage you to maintain your relationship with her even when she seems reluctant. She does still love you.

We can continue our current financial arrangements. They seem to be the best for both of us.

I am not doing this to punish you. Please understand that it is just too painful to see you knowing you are still pursuing a relationship with OW."

What do ya'll think? Too much? Not enough?

Input appreciated.

L&A

yep you write out plan B,....and let it do ALL the talking for you...

not writing out plan b usually does not work because...

1. no matter how clear it sounds in your head ...he will HEAR what he wants to...

and you will have no control over that and it will give birth for a luverly little distraction for you and he to power-struggle over...

2. Plan b letter are truly love letters...full of hope and goodness...ownership....and clearly states boundaries...

writing it down and re-vising gives you ample opportunity to really offer your position that diffuses any attempt they may try to power struggle with you...

even your planned plan b speach above leaves to much for him to feel defensive about and turn around on you...( and know I understand that what you posted was not your "official" plan B speach....)

but you write it
and you post it here.

consider doing an awesome plan A for just a week or so...the better plan a..the more impact of plan b...though it smackso of game playing..it is just reality....

ARK

I agree with ARC completely. Be super sweet for the next week while yuou are WRITING your plan B letter, post it, let people help you with it. At the end of the week, either tape it to his door, mail it, hand it to him, leave it under his windsheild- what ever. Then Change your locks, Change your phone number if you want, but go dark, very very dark. SPend the time with your beautiful daughter. connect with her, she will be out of the house soon and grown, and not around so much. Now is the time to get a relationship going with her that will carry you two the rest of your life. Let your H wait, you be strong and wait for him to be willing to meet your terms. Do not waiver, do not whimper, be strong. It is hard, and rocky, and hurtful, but the road to self respect and discovery is worth it. I only wish I would have taken my own advice- DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK UNTIL ALL YOUR BOUNDARIRES ARE MET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! includeing H quiting the band, or OW quiting. Either way in the end you will be better off then where you are now.

So start writing girl. Take your daughter out for a day of Christmas cheer, visit a nursing home, ring a bell for the salvation army, go shopping, have Hot Coocoa together. Do something other then waiting around for your WH!!

Best wishes to you my friend.

Yes, it sounds like it is time for Plan B.

If you just write out what you said above and give it to him, that would be great.

Who else have you exposed the affair to?

Lost & Alone,


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She gets mad at me when I tell her that I hope her dad and I will reconcile in time. She sees me as "weak" and told me to "get some backbone." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pardon my bluntness, but it seems your daughter is the only mentally healthy individual in the family. Out of the mouth of babes.....

Oh yeah. One more thing. Have you read "Love Must be Tough", by Dobsen?

Hi L&A, I was thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. It is good of you to post. It seems as if you have had some good advise here on the board...some good thought to ACT on. I know it will be tough for you because you care how WH...but you have to care about yourself and as Spider Slayer once said..the BS is the M's only home. That is all too true.

Here are a few things to keep in mind. You can begin to plan your move and you do not have to do it tomorrow, but you have to go to Plan B. Your WS and mine sound similar...they love us, but are "confused" which means they don't want to do what they have to do. Our WS are cake-eaters which is why he hangs around your place all the time. So any way...back to the ideas. I selected to date to announce....it was about three weeks before. I had to delay it once. I spend the time preparing by writing/posting/perfecting my Plan B letter. Then I planned my time on a calendar with extra special attention to the weekends. I researched all kinds of stuff on the internet: classes, crafts fairs, concerts. I thought of friends I wanted to contact...all sorts of stuff. I was ready for about three months of Plan B. I knew if I did not have anything to do...I would contact him. If I kept myself busy, I would not be able to.

Long story short, it took about three weeks of Plan B to bring him out of the first fog. It was a false recovery..lasted about one month...then went to Plan B #2....which we have been in for about one month. This time, he is really out of the fog...NC with OW...but no rebuild plan yet....may need Plan B #3. When I went to plan B...I was scared. Looking back, I see how right it was and how it was the only thing that was going to work. Each time I have gotten stronger and now I am not sure if I love WH anymore. That may be because I am still protecting myself and not allowing him to fill my EN's....also because I don't think he really knows what they are and how to fill them.

Anyway...as you can see I am an advocate of Plan B. My WH was so stubborn with the cake eating, he was not going to stop otherwise. The last time he missed me alot--he was anger, but eventually he realized that he was going to lose me and he was running out of chances so he became very serious about NC. Now I need him to get serious about recovery. Hope this helps. You have the support of all of us here and it sounds like your daughter. I know this is hard, sweetie, but it is necessary sometimes. So try to be strong and get busy writing your letter. It is also a necessary thing because my WH did not hear a word I was saying...I kept referring him to the letter. Keep posting here....take care of yourself.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, to everyone who replied. Sometimes, I just need to know that there's someone (or lots of someones) who care and actually understand this mess. Most people who have never gone through infidelity just don't get it.

I apologize for not replying sooner. My computer is not working, so I have to sneak time to get on other friend's computers. So please understand if I don't reply as soon as I should.

Okay, I'll start working on a Plan B letter. I'll post it here before I give it to WH so we can all tweek it a bit.

I think I need to hurry up & get my computer working again. I'm probably going to need this site after I start Plan B.

I'm off to work on PBL....

Thanks everyone,
L&A