I have been in the land of confusion for over a year now. I have attempted Plan A, which I will continue to try to improve. I have sat by watching and listening for 10 months of WH and OW continue and EA and a "very supprotive close friend relationship" (words of his, and in letter OW wroted to me) Finally 3 months ago I moved out. (we couldn't be in the same room) since then, in a very odd way we became closer. He will call and talk to me until the wee hours. However, he is still in contact with OW. I believe that while I was planning to move (5 months)they had a PA. He said less then 2 weeks ago he would go NC with OW, however I believe they are still in contact. Tonight at MC he was very upset and emotional. We both started out very angry, ended with commitment to contiue MC next week together. MC made comment, "at the beginning over a year ago, I believed this M was over, due to WH being so unhappy, but you both are so intensly aware of each other, you don't know how to seperate, you both are very unhappy apart, you support each othe in so many ways, so I believe we should work on this marriage"
The thing is, WH does not and will not explain to me what occured between him and OW. Will not even discuss what is curently going on. He does not beleive in EA's. Does not believe what occured between them has anything to do with us. He says "she was a symptom, not the cause". ( I agree, but feel we can do without this symptom) He wants to work on the problems we had. He says "he is very confused", "we are so different" "how can we make each other happy". He has "forgotten" even little things in our M, he denied tonight that I breastfed our children! (his complaint that when youngest 6yrs, was couple of months old, when he got home from work - midnights - I would sleep in until 10 - 11 which left him up with the boys and I didn't fix him breakfast. He likes to have breakfast as a family and I slept thru it.) I know I can't talk to someone who is in withdraw, or doen't want to listen, but how do I explain my need to know what happened, and why contact has to stop. BTW - he says if he has to quit talking to OW, then I cannot accept any calls from other men - from work. I work in sheriffs office and I'm a union rep, so when problems arise they call which i have explained why till i'm blue in the face. I attempted to explain to him, when they call, it's not personnel, it doesn't cross an intimate emotional line. (they don't call often, but hey fine, they will stop calling... don't know what that will solve though) I have even typed him a letter since I have moved out explaining that the man I love is honest, willing to listen to others...not someone that hides "friendships", deletes calls off caller Id, lies about where he went, (caught him and OW at her house at 1am, and in park several times.) I think he is confused due to outside influences - OW, and the fact that if he ever believes he was involved in an EA, he will not be able to "face" himself. ( his words on one wee hours conversation)
So, how to explain my need to know what has occured. I plan to continue to try to improve my Plan A - when together, myself and the boys when not. I have not been contacting him Unless it has to deal the the boys, but letting him "make the moves". I have printed out pretty much this whole website, he is starting to leaf though them some when he is here - i leave them out for him to find when he's snooping.
Alli

So,

If I'm reading this correctly..you want to know how to explain..

1) your need for info re his A

and

2) your need for protective boundaries

And what it seems to be..is less a problem of *how* then *when*.

He isn't ready for confronting this truth. He is still very much manifesting the WS mentality in all of its limited glory. I would go for action. Plans A and B. When/if he has recommitted, and has broken through withdrawl..I think THEN you will be able to get the answers you need.

Good luck,

Noodle

Alli,

I heard that 'I am not having an EA' bs line of crap from my WS. Well if we even attempt to go with that logic, whatever he is having with the OW is waaay more than he is having with his W! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I told my WS that and said, well call it what you like but you treat her nicer than me..... are strange women better than your family? 'Cuz if you say yes, you'd better leave and if you say no, mister you got some major explaining t/d!

I had found the corner and wasn't gonna back off. Either way, I had him by his shorts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Thanks for your replies,

I always invite WH over for things here, dinner, movies, going to look at christmas lights, and last night we made christmas ornaments together with the boys. Granted, he stayed only about 45 mins, but he was here. I think that "normal activites" like this, contributes to his confusion, because he got his coat on, but was still hanging around here for a good while. He was not in a hurry to leave, even though I could tell he was still emotionally drained from the MC.

And what it seems to be..is less a problem of *how* then *when*.
He isn't ready for confronting this truth. He is still very much manifesting the WS mentality in all of its limited glory. I would go for action. Plans A and B. When/if he has recommitted, and has broken through withdrawl..I think THEN you will be able to get the answers you need.


Noodle, i agree, I'm just not sure with how to go about this! I normally will invite him to actives that involve the boys - nothing ever with "just us" - however he has mentioned a christmas shopping trip with just us for the boys. An when he wants to chat into the wee hours, I usually just listen, try to use "reserves babble" and repeat that i cant discuss our relationship until OW is NC. I've included no SF in this also.

Anyone have ideas that I can try to add/change?