One of my issues in all this is my loss of innocence. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that my wife would have an affair. I completely trusted her. What a mistake on my part. The level of hurt, anger and devastation is enormous. How can one overcome their loss of innocence? This was the woman I trusted with my life. She was the one I could tell my innermost feelings. She was my partner in life. She has moved out now but I know she is still in contact with OM. I can’t seem to let go. I can’t seem to detach from her. After all we would have been married 29 years next month. It seems to me that it will take a long time to get over this betrayal if I ever can. Regardless of whether my marriage will survive or not survive, I am no longer innocent. I have been changed by all this. I will never again make the same mistakes I made in this marriage. I admit I had a part in not meeting her needs the way she wanted or needed. But it seems to me to be the cruelest thing to take away one’s innocence.

Good morning, HINC.

You haven't really lost your innocence. You never really had any to begin with. You've just been forced to wake up.

You have been violated by humankind's very own nature. Does that make it okay? NO.

On this planet, it is rare to find an individual that hasn't suffered at their own hands, or at someone else's hands.

I have been "rode hard and put up wet", theoretically, I should have fewer encounters with hard things, but life - humanity, still manages to beat me senseless at times.

There really is no wickedness like human wickedness. Yet we are capable of incredible kindness at the same time.

The fact remains that humans are untrustworthy, even the best of them. This really isn't such a sad thing, even though it tears at the heart of God, it is ours to deal with.

Trust is something that every human must deal with. No one can be trusted completely. Not wives, not husbands, sons, nor daughters. To blindly trust anyone is a mistake, and an all too common one at that.

I am very sorry that you you are hurting so.

At some point in time, your wife will realize what she has done. You are suffering now. She will suffer then. That is the really sad part about humans, pain inflicted on another is never unidirectional, rather always bidirectional.

The hard part is that the return pain is usually so far behind the sent pain that we never learn the simple lesson of fire. It burns. Burns hurt.

Try to remember that your wife is human, and as such, has very real limitations. Right now, she can only serve what makes her feel good. Those feelings are a cruel master, though, always demanding more. At some point, she will no longer have the resources it takes to serve them.

Right now, she really doesn't hate you, she just loves herself more.

Please don't despair, HINC, and don't be so hard on yourself. Her actions right now really aren't about you at all.

God bless you sir,
Gimble

HOPEFULINNC--How long were you married before your wife had the affair? She was not having an affair your whole m arriage, or was she??
You have to take in account all the years she was a good wife and thruthful to you. Its very sad when you say that you lost all your innocence because of what she did. My husband says the same thing, and it hurts a lot to hear those words.
We have been married 30 years, and only two years I was a deceitful,bad wife. So, not all is a lie, just a very small portion of those years. It must be very common in this age group 40s-50s to stray in marriages. Must be the realization of getting old, being married so long, bad childhood that gets too heavy to bear, who knows what.
Your wife will realize sooner or later, if she hasn't already, what a terrible-horrible thing she did. If you really love her, you will be there for her and then you both will try to recover the marriage that you once had.
Good luck to you and her!!

Myrta

Hopefullinc,I am sorry what you are going tru. I understand it is not easy. I have betrayed my husband also. I have hurt him beyond point of pain and yet he stood up there and was ready to love me and to forget me. We were in recovery for a few weeks. I have decided not to go through with it. I do want to be on my own for a while. Me and my husband were married for 4 years, he is my first love, you and your wife were married for 30 years - I have learnt many things from what I am going tru right now and that is do not give up. Never say never, do fight for her, surely you come to a point in your life where not everythings seems perfect but surely after 30 years you would pass that. YOu should fight for your wife and try and make her happy - surely she was happy most of your marriage. Do not let her go away.
I wish & your wife all the best.

Hopeful -

Sorry you are still going through this. I think it is called grief. You have suffered losses on many different levels. One is the loss of innocense. Then there is the loss of the "specialness" of the two of you together. It goes on and on.

But it does get better. I promise you that.

I am still hoping your wife wakes up, but if she doesn't, you are a handsome, kind man, and will do just fine.

Whether your marriage survives or not, you have to continue living your life. The best thing you can do for yourself is to move on with your life. Now I don't mean to go and file for divorce this coming Monday, but to start doing things that will give more meaning to your life. Things like volunteering some time to help out a worthy cause [there are others who are less fortunate than us], starting new hobbies or classes you've been putting off for a while, and meeting new people that can become your new friends including women [no not to use them and have an affair with]. All these things will help your personal recovery and give you hope no matter what happens to your marriage.

TMCM

Myrta-to answer your question, her latest affair lasted for 5 years and still going. I found out during all this there have been 2 others, 1-a ons and the other 15 years ago for 4 or 5 months. The latest is with her old high school boyfriend. I have exposed it to all including our adult children. Myrta I would be there for her if she would come back and be my wife not the WW she is now. I will not under any circumstance have OM in my life and if he is her life she cannot be in mine.
T00MuchCoffeeMan- I have decided to be a volunterr with Communities in school. This program is kind of like big brother. You meet with a middle school kid once a month and take them to lunch and ecourage them. So I am getting on with my life. The best I can.

Believer-how are you doing. Bless you for your work with our troops. I have told you this before but your husband is a fool. Thank you for your continued support on the board to me and to all the other hurtin souls here. You are a truly remarkable woman.

Hopeful -

My whole life was changed by WH's actions, and I was not happy about it. When we married, my WH was in a different phase of his life. He had young children who needed a secure home and nurturing. I was always a homebody, and loved cooking, and doing things with the children

When the kids left home, I think his needs changed. He wanted to go out and have fun. He raised his kids by himself since they were babies. So I guess he missed out on all of that.

I was looking forward to retiring and enjoying life. He decided to change his life, and ran off with OW - who by the way abandoned her 12 year old daughter to live with my WH.

So even though I wanted my old life, I realized that I needed to move on with a new life. That is what I have done, and it was not easy.

My life has gotten better and better, and WH's has gone down the tubes. Now he talks about getting back togehter. But he still loves OW, and I want someone who loves only me.

You will get there too. It is not fun, and not easy. But you will one day enjoy life again. Hopefully your wife will come back (I'm sure she will). Hopefully you will not be in love with someone else by the time that happens. They say here that one of the biggest obstacles to recovery is a BS that has moved on.

hopeful...

what others do with our offerings and gifts of love....

is the free will and choice God gave them to do with them....

it does not tarnish your gifts
it does change their validitity or purity...

the choice has always been in their hands not yours...

and what she has done must not and does not change your own giving....

there is no mistake in trusting
there is no mistake in loving....

she alone must face this truth deep inside of her...

buried under all the other crap it is there...
gnawing a little...
the tiniest grain of truth of her actions is with her in her waking moments...
and feeds off her soul at night...like a whisper...

she knows which gifts of love that she received from you came in honesty and purity....

and there is no corner on this planet to hide from that...
and there is no reflection of what she did with it on you....

do not think for a moment that you are that powerful... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
you did exactly what God calls us to do...

you loved her....

ARK

Ark your reply brought tears to my eyes. Yes I loved her and still do. But unfortunately she sees things differently now. I would welcome her back in a New York minute if she proved the affair was over and she was ready to work on "us". But that is not in the cards at the moment.

Believer, I am like you in that I want someone who loves me. Who is willing to be loyal and especially honest. A person who does not try to solve their relationship problems outside the marriage. I will find her someday. It might be my WW, it might not.


I think part of this is a mid life crisis. She says she is afraid of dying. So she goes off on this thing but she has already died.

Hopeful -

Your wife may very well be going thru MLC. I think that is definately part of what my WH is in.

The problem I have with that is that I also went thru MLC, several years ago. I started looking at my life, with lots of regrets, and many unfulfilled dreams. There was a period of almost a year where I felt very disatisfied.

But I worked through it. I accepted that my life has been good over all. I have been greatly blessed in many, many ways, much more than I deserve.

Oddly enough I never confided my problem to my husband. It would have hurt him too much. It is ironic that he probably went thru the same thing and decided that what we had was not enough.