buttercup, thanks for jumping in, i need all the help and encouragement i can get right now.i know now that she is still in serious w/dwawal. and i also don't think she has any future plans concerning our M right now. but it still scares me because if she keeps thinking like she is rigtht now, i am afraid she will want to end it. i have really backed off this week and am not smothering her. i also don't hardly ever ask her questions. we never talk about her A except in MC. i guess on a good note, MC ask her what she felt like she needed the most from me right now to have a chance at reconnecting, and she said "time". i have heard that before. thanks for the tip guys! also ,we have been doing MC for over a year now, altho it was a waste of time the first 10 months when the MC or me did not know she was having the A. i also don't know if she "wants" to go to MC with me, but i am thankful that she will. i feel a little better just talking about it, thanks for being there, and please join in anytime...arjdad

buttercup- the MC ask my wife if she sometimes felt angry at OM, or me, or herself or theworld. she thought for a minute and said she is sometimes angry with herself for getting herself in this predictiment. is this a good sign? i don't know how to take it.....arjdad

arjdad,

Anytime! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just want to add that I said the EXACT same thing when our MC asked what I wanted. "Time" was my answer. I needed space and time from my H. Had he asked me any questions about the A, I would have gladly answered him. I felt bad for him, but more than that, I was in a deep, desperate depression. I could barely eat, sleep or function. I functioned ONLY for the sake of my 2 children, and eventually for my H and then for myself too.

So, please, try not to worry about the outcome of your M. I'm sure it's way too soon to even be worrying about it. This will take time to get back on the right track with your W. Just be there, in the same house and try to function. It'll get easier every day. I promise! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

CC

buttercup- did you see my question just before your last response? also if you don't mind my asking. how long was your A, and how long was your depression and w/drawal? i know it is different for every one, but i was hoping 2 months i could at least see a little positive. thanks,..arjdad

arjdad,
I hope you don't mind if I jump in here for a minute.
I've read a little about your situation, and as I read the last few posts, I was glued to it. Lots of similarities between what you're going thru and what I went thru. LOTS. Biggest differences: I found MB too late, and you have children (that's a good thing).
Bottom line: listen to Myrta and Buttercup (I know you are, but I want to say that anyway!).

From what I went thru, the mistakes I made, and the status of my M now... Myrta and Buttercup are leading you in the absolute right direction! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hang in there, arjdad! I feel for you BIG time. From my perspective, you're doing great -- I hope you're genuinely proud of how you're handling this nightmare. You should be.

tqt- as i said to buttercup, jump right in. thanks for the encouraging words. and i am listening to myrta and buttercup, they have both been awesome ! i don't know if i am proud of how i am handling this or not, i never thought about it that way before. what i have thought about,[and i think this sounds egotistical] is that i hope that we make it thru this, and someday my wife looks back and thinks," wow, when i was at my darkest hour, he loved me enough to stand by me even tho he was hurting as much or more then me" i just want her to realize that if i walked away, and everyone knew about her A, no one would blame me. but that is not what i want or need. i love her way to much to give up that easily. thanks for your input,...arjdad

arjdad,

Sorry! I was posting the same time you were, so I didn't see your post. It sounds like it's a good sign that your W feels badly about the A. I'd try not to put stock in every word that she says though. Please remember that she's not herself right now. Space and time. That's what she needs.

As far as your other questions... My A lasted nearly 3 years. I was best friends with my FOW first. We met on a messageboard and became instant best friends. We crossed over to lovers a few months thereafter (online and on the phone). We met in person a few months after that and consummated our A. It went on for a few years. We had ups and downs all throughout it though. She tried to end the sexual part a few times, but always came back.

She ended the whole relationship (friendship and all) this past May, because I threatened to "out" her to her husband (I was very frustrated that she tried to just pretend that it never happened). Dumb move on my part. Now I lost her friendship.

How long did my withdrawal last? WAY too long! Longer than anyone I've read about here. I'd say that it took a good 5 months to start coming out of it for me! I went into therapy by myself, which helped me. I have to learn about me, and why I let this happen. I'm such a different person than before I met her. I hated who I became, and I hated that I was able to hurt those closest to me. Besides all of that, the question about my sexuality remains since the A was with a woman, and I'm a woman. Confusing...

Anyway, keep posting here if you need to talk. It'll get better. Believe me! Just even try to go through the motions of your day and eventually things will brighten up. I hope that you two make it through the withdrawal soon. Good luck!!

CC

arjdad,

One more thing (we were posting at the same time again!)... Your wife sounds as desperate as I did when I was first in withdrawal. I couldn't even look at it as a mistake back then. The turn-around was too overwhelming. What took only a SHORT amount of time was that I did see my husband being supportive and wonderful, and I was SO grateful for that. I always knew that he was a wonderful person, but him standing by me, accepting me, wanting me to get help and figure out what I was lacking, was absolutely wonderful. I'm SURE that your wife will feel like that very soon. My H could have left me, or he could have made me leave. Instead, he wanted to help me, and he still wanted our M to work.

You're amazing for being there for her, with her, in her time of need. She'll come to appreciate you for it even more! Keep it up. You're doing a good job!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

buttercup-5 months of w/drawal? that is a long time. we are over 2 months in, so maybe it will be getting better soon. problem is, she works so much and keeps her self busy to keep her mind off of it, and i don't know if that is good or bad. MC thinks she should have someone to talk to. i know you know myrta has offered to talk to her one on one, but she won't yet. i printed myrta's reply after i got home from the MC, to show my wife, but i don't know if i should? i am trying to give her time and space. i don't want to rush her, but on the other hand, i would like her to "come around".hopefully you are right and it is to soon to think she is even thinking about the future of our M. i know she does.nt want the kids to be from a broken home. we are both good parents and very active in our kids activities and lives. i am not saying that M's that end can't have two good parents and still stay involved w/ kids, i just mean that i think it is better if the family stays together. the MC asked wife if she could see difference in the way i was actingsince DD. i have cut out all love busters and have tried to meet her EN'S that she will let me. she told the MC that she could see a difference and she appreciates it, but it does'nt change the way she feels. that hurt, made me want to say "i'm outta here", but i hope people on this site are right when they say not to pay much attention to what they say when they are in w/drawal and the fog.i think she could come out of it sooner if she would talk to myrta or anyone else who has been in her shoes. if she keeps it bottled up inside, won't it take longer to heal? could she heal completely if she never talks to anyone? she told MC today that she really does'nt feel the need to talk about it to anyone. i guess everyone could be different on that, thanks for listeng and helping,...arjdad

arjdad,

It's GOOD that she's working, and keeping her mind busy. I'm a SAHM (my dd is 16 years old and is bipolar, so she's being home-tutored for now, and I must be here for her tutors, by law). I actually felt "trapped" being here. I couldn't get away from my memories and thoughts. I had to try to busy myself with housework in order to forget about the A. So, I think that if I had work, it would have helped greatly!

Has your wife mentioned wanting to speak to her own therapist? I think it's beneficial. Maybe the MC does that too? I know it's helped me. Other than that, it's great that Myrta (or even me) is here, willing to talk to her, but she's got to be ready to talk. My H hasn't come here yet. I did give him my password and name, but I don't think that he's even ventured here. It's not his "thing" to go online for anything! So, it's up to your wife. If she's feeling very down and says that she needs to talk to someone, I'd direct her here. We're here for her and for you! She could direct her questions to Myrta or to myself.

It's good that you and your wife both agree about what's best for the kids. They were my priority after D Day, and they were my H's priority. We both agreed that we'd be here, together, unless and until we didn't want to be here. This is most beneficial to them, but we have to WANT to be in the marriage too, otherwise it's not setting any kind of example. So, for now, be grateful that you're both on the same page concerning the children. It's a good start!

As far as your wife not wanting to talk right now, that's TOTALLY understandable. She's working things through her own mind. She'll want to talk soon enough! It took me a few weeks, but then again I'm a big talker!

Nothing is going to cause your wife to have a lightbulb moment where she'll be SO grateful to you and it'll make her come out of her fog. She's going through pain right now, and it'll take some time. THEN she'll work on the relationship with you. For now she wants to be there with you. Don't push her, and try not to judge things by her every action or word. She's hurt; you're hurt, but you're both there together and hopefully you'll work it all out. You need to give her some space but be supportive too. She'll be looking after your needs soon enough!

Can you do anything for yourself right now? I encouraged my H to play poker or go fishing. He needed time to think, alone, too. Try not to burn out on this whole A thing. It could consume you.

CC

buttercup- i don't know if she "wants " to be here with me, or if she is just here for the kids sake. i guess right now it really does'nt matter the important thing is that we are still together? ....arjdad

Yes! The important thing is that she is there, with you, and for the children. Try not to worry so much. She'll come around. It'll take some time though. Try not to expect too much. Just be her friend, if you can, even though she did something so horrible that lots of other people wouldn't have the guts to stick it out like you are doing (and my H, and Stanley...).

I'm heading to bed myself (H is calling!), so I'll wish you well for now. I'll check on you tomorrow, amidst my shopping, baking, etc...... Good luck, and goodnight!!

CC

buttercup, i am going to bed as well, i am taking the 3 kids shopping tomorrow,early. goodnight and thanks,.arjdad

ARJDAD--As I said before, even if your wife said she felt detached years before the affair, thats understandable. I think to get involved with another person while married, needs many years of a person feeling that her needs are not being met. Little things here and there that bother you about your spouse, that you keep bottling up and you dont tell your spouse about. Before the
affair, I was not very open with my husband, I would not share little things,or problems that were in my mind with him. I would deal with those "little things" by myself within myself. Until one day OM appears, and he starts giving me all this attention, all this encouraging words to talk and open up. Little by little, I start sharing things with OM that I should be sharing with my husband. That did not happen within days, I talked to him for like a year before becoming involved with him. When that started to happen, I should have stopped and tell my husband what was going on, but I didn't! I kept sharing my thoughts with OM, until the ugly A happened.

Even if you think your wife wants YOU to leave her, for you to look like the bad guy, that is not the case. My husband used to say that to me too. No, I did not want him to leave me, but I thought that HE wanted that. But inside I was so very afraid of him walking out on me. But I almost looked defiant to him and to myself. I would tell him, "leave me, if thats what you want to do".

Arjdad--Things are going to improve, I promise you that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Try to convince your wife to come and read here. She does not have to do anything else, just read.
Thats what I did at the beginning until one day someone said something that it really bothered me and I posted and defended myself. Posting had helped me tremendously. To have such good sound advice from people like JL,Believer,Pepperband, and others. Talk to her again and tell her.

Well, I hope you feel in better spirits tomorrow.

We just got back from a Christmas get together. It was nice, we had a good time, ate good food. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Take care ArJ--

MYRTA

myrta- i am glad to hear you guys had a good time at your christmas get together! and thanks for the reply. i think what you said about feeling defiant might be how wife acts now. almost like "this is how i feel and there is nothing you or i can do to change that". i don't know if thats how she feels, but it does kind of seem like it. also, i am in better spirits today, i am getting ready to take the kids shopping. she is staying home towork, but later, when the kids and i get home, the oldest d is going to a friends house to get ready for the dance, and the wife is going back in to town with the rest of us, so 6 year old son can see santa. looking forward to that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> i guess i am back to trying to be optimistic and hoping you guys are right about her coming around once the w/drawal eases up. thanks for caring and sharing,.....arjdad.....................................tqt, you said earlier that we had some similarities. care to share some of them with me? i would like to hear what you did in my sitch. any insight appreciated.thanks,...arjdad

arjdad,

Glad you feel better today! Just wanted to wish you a good day. I'm heading out to do more (sigh) Christmas shopping and taking my dd to get her hair done. Have a good day!

CC

myrta-- just back from shopping with the kids. it was fun but somewhat depressing also. i can't stop thinking about our M, and our future. is it typical after only two month's for her to question whether she thinks she can reattach to me? i think i know your answer, but i need some reassurance. i don't really think she wants the M to end, but i am not sure she wants to be with me either. i can't do it that way. i will keep trying to be patient, but ultimately, i don't want to be with her if she is only here because she feels like she has to be. i NEED her to WANT to be with me. still waiting out the withdrawal..i can't even listen to the radio anymore,all the songs are so depressing. but at least she is going back into town shopping with me and the younger two kids in a little while. j [the son,6] is going to see santa, he is pretty excited and not very patient.[ i think he gets that from me] anyway,just feeling a little down, thought i would talk, thanks for listening, arjdad...................................................buttercup, thanks for the thought and your help and encouragement, it means alot to me. i hope you have a good day shopping as well. arjdad

arjdad,

I think that Myrta is gone for most of the day today, so I'll try to answer your question. After 2 months, I wasn't sure what I wanted with regard to my M. I knew that I wanted to remain married and I knew that I still loved my H dearly, but as far as the romantic, sexual need, it wasn't there. It's STILL hard for me to feel that way, 7 months later.

I don't know if your W is even thinking about whether or not she'd like to stay married, but 2 months is a short time for her to instantaneously fall back in love with you and WANT you. She may be a very slow learner, like me. In that case, you may be waiting a while longer. Our MC told my H to give me up to a year, and if I couldn't confirm that I wanted him back as my husband in all respects, then it was up to my H to decide what he'd want to do. He's been pretty good at giving me space, and it's worked out well-it makes me want to be with him more and more.

I'm sorry that you're having another rough day. Keep in mind that the holidays are VERY tough for everyone dealing with the fallout of an A. It'll get better. Try keeping busy with the kids, or doing things by yourself. She'll come around and let you know what she eventually wants. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

buttercup-thanks for being there today. it is unbelievable how i can feel so good and optimistic sometimes, and so desperate and pessimistic at other times. i appreciate your sharing your experience with me, but after two month's, my wife is not able to say if she even still loves me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> and her romantic sexual need is definately not there. i know that the holidays are going to be rough, but i will make the best out of it with the kids. the wife and i are taking 2 kids shopping and to see santa now, gotta go,,thanks for listehing,...arjdad

ARJDAD---Hmm, I am back from a long day at my sister's house in Portmouth,Va. Three and a half hours each way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . But we had a good time, and Isaw my new niece, that is three months today.

ArJ- I feel so bad for you feeling so sad and low, but trust me everything that you are feeling is so normal. ARJdad, my husband was so,so sad for the first three months or so after DD, he would sometimes cry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , and it will break my heart and feel so bad and guilty for what I had done to him, to our marriage. He also saw a very bleak future for us, he thought that any day I would leave him to be with OM. I am not going to deny to you, that I was very much into the fog, and that thought cross my mind more than once. But deep down, I knew it would be a horrible mistake from my part.
My sexual desire for my husband, was not very much there as well, and just like a month or so ago, I can say that I am feeling like my old self with my husband. I look for him,initiate, before he would almost have to insist for a long time. He was very frustrated just like you feel now.
I know it is hard for you, but you have to know is all going to get better. Dont feel so sad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

Your wife will get better, will feel more optimistic soon,(not soon enough for you,I know), you will see.

Are you still logged on ??

MYRTA