Even before finding out about my husband's six-year affair at the beginning of our 22-year-marriage, I had started to question my commitment to the marriage. I knew somewhere deep down that my husband had never really been committed to me, and that I had never really had a marriage in the true sense of the word.

Now I'm wondering if I believe as I used to in the institution of marriage as being worthy of pouring so much of yourself into. I'm not doing a good job of explaining this, but what I've begun thinking about lately is whether a bad marriage is due homage just because it's a marriage. Does this make sense?

I've been married for 22 years, and it's been the most unequal partnership imaginable. He was basically never in it. Never kept a one of his vows. What I have learned about who he truly is makes him so very, very unattractive to me. The question I am asking myself is this: given what my marriage has been, and the man I realize now that my husband is, should I feel obligated to stay in this marriage?

Does anyone else ponder these kinds of questions?

I think we all do.

My husband has a lot of really great qualities and that's why I love him so. But the ones that are bad are REALLY bad (to me) and sometimes it's hard to keep the good ones in mind.

I don't question my commitment to my marriage, but I do wonder sometimes if I'm being a fool for NOT questioning it.

I'm curious...when I was first reading your post it seemed like you were questioning marriage altogether. But then towards the end it seemed more specific to your own marriage. I am just wondering if you feel all marriages are basically like yours or if you think it can be better? A combination? (like maybe there can be good ones, but chances are slim?) Just wondering <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Though some will deny it and there may be exceptions, people NEED other people. There is a reason that marriage happens so often, despite some of the grim statistics. There is nothing quite like marriage to fulfill that need. I'm not sure if that's just a society thing, but it's the society the world-over, regardless of religion. I don't think it's just a convenience thing either. There is something noble and precious about pledging to care for someone no matter what, and have someone do the same for you. This is why the break-up of a marriage is so difficult. Usually one person really believe in that vow..and the other starts to justify and make exceptions.

I do feel that divorce has it's place but I also feel it's been a way to lessen the commitment to a marriage. As in, "We can always get a divorce." While you may think you never will...just being able to say that phrase lessens your commitment right there. It's a shame that it's so easy to divorce.

My husband's mom has been married 4 times, finally successfully. You know what he said to his step-mom when all this first started happening with us? (his dad has only married twice). He said, "Well, I can always just consider K my first wife." Now tell me that someone really didn't skew his view of marriage and what it is?

I don't mind being alone, but I also love being married (um..except the heartache I've endured).

I am in the same boat, and I have pondered that question many times.I don't know if we are obligated.

But it is not the institution of marriage that we pour ourselves into - it is a person.

In my case I think he is worth it.

So I love and pray and trust God to work, and wait.

Shul

Whether its an institution or a person, I've done a lot of pouring. TruBluz, your H sounds like mine. Sometimes, 28 years down the line, I wonder if we'd even have gotten married if he'd had the courage to say "NO".

I know there are good marriages out there. I wonder if I could have ever learned enough orwe could have ever done enough work to make our marriage one of them.

I´ve been married 18 years and I always thought that marriage,like life, changes as times passes,both calendar time (e.g. no internet 18 yrs ago) and your own time, i.e. age. So marriage needs for the couple to adapt together instead of each adapting to these changes on their own. The main point in my view is that, although I do think marriage is worth it, it is dynamic and not static, it is essential to adapt to changes in life as a married couple if it is to be worth it at each and every moment. And this is the most difficult part. just my 2 c