After reading everyone's responses to my previous message, I decided to tell my BH about my
A. I can't say it is going well, with him alternately busting up walls and doors and crying, but I am glad I told him. I feel awful about the whole thing, the deception was eating me alive. Now he has taken off from the house and I am not so sure he is not off to confront the OM and/or start a fight. :-((((

The only positive thing he said was that he did love me. Though things are bad, he is a good, good man and I feel we will work through this.

In the meantime I just feel relieved and depleted.

D.

<small>[ December 11, 2004, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: Alone and Broken ]</small>

Good for you D. I hope it all goes well, but either way it is better for your H to know. I kept my betrayal from my H for over 7 years. He is more angry over the lost time and lies than the A. Please get into MC if you are not already.

Good job L&A, I also was the BH and I left for a night and slept in my truck. Then I came back and asked her to leave. Then I said I don't know what I want... as you can see, after the initial shock where's off thats when if your careful you can start to repair. Granted your H has a decision to make right now, but as you said he said ILY. If your committed to saving your M, give him time to sort everything out. I really hope you realize how much pain you are saving yourself and your H, by confessing and starting NC and making a committment to you M.

I'm happy for you that you did the right thing, we all knew you had it in you.

Good luck, Native

A&B - Well, you have started trying to work on your marriage by being honest with your husband. Please let him know about this board. We can help him.

A&B,

Now the dreaded ER [emotional rollercoaster] begins for your H. It won't be pretty but it is a natural part of the healing process for the BH. The one thing you have to keep in mind is that if and when your H lashes out at you with hurtful words, he is not doing it so much to hurt you but to express his hurt and pain to you. The best thing you can do for him is to be as emotionally strong as you can and come her for emotional support when you feel you're love tank running on empty.

You did the right thing and we will be here for you. You are NOT alone.

TMCM

A&B,

As hard as it is, you have taken the right step to correct a wrong path. This means that from where and your H each are right now, getting to a good M recovery will require you both be there and to support and respect each other's needs.

Your H is hurting and you are now seeing your guilt transferred to his hurt. It w/b hard on both of you and neither feels the other has more on their shoulders. In reality, you both do.

Please ask your H to read the link in my thread called the 5 stages of grieving. It was given to me when I posted on the d/d board. It will help you and your H see some of the stages he may go through in this healing process.

Understand personal healing comes 1st, then if both parties are willing, the marital one.

All the best,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Alone and Broken:
<strong> I feel awful about the whole thing, the deception was eating me alive.
D. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DO you feel better now that you have "unloaded" your mind and admitted to the deception ?

<small>[ December 11, 2004, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: lemonman ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DO you feel better now that you have "unloaded" your mind and admitted to the deception ? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lemonman - If you can't bring yourself to help, it would seem that the least you could do is not comment and let others try to help her at this time. Just what purpose does it serve to question her statement of feeling both relieved and "depleted" emotionally?

It is VERY normal that a WS feels relieved when they finally confess to an affair, especially when they are hoping that their marriage can be saved and the affair is over. It is not uncommon that the WS gets their "best night's sleep" on d-day, while the BS who just had their world turned upside down can't sleep and can't get their mind to "slow down."

Well its pretty much as normal as this thing gets.
Please watch him drinking & driving, give him some space BUT let him know you will answer ANYTHING he wants to know .

It will be so painful but it does seem to help men get over the 'hump'- initial revelation - though it takes some tme. He'll be up & down day to day, mood swings from what seems like hate to tears.

Just remember we are here to help you as much as we can and it may help to let your H know about the site too.

all the best

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ForeverHers:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DO you feel better now that you have "unloaded" your mind and admitted to the deception ? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lemonman - If you can't bring yourself to help, it would seem that the least you could do is not comment and let others try to help her at this time. Just what purpose does it serve to question her statement of feeling both relieved and "depleted" emotionally?

It is VERY normal that a WS feels relieved when they finally confess to an affair, especially when they are hoping that their marriage can be saved and the affair is over. It is not uncommon that the WS gets their "best night's sleep" on d-day, while the BS who just had their world turned upside down can't sleep and can't get their mind to "slow down." </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forever Hers:

I was just asking an innocent question here. Perhaps I just didn't see it like you did. I am just trying to learn something here also. You are right, I unfortunately can't add much here to the OP plight here. I found it kind of perplexing concerning here original post. I read it that she was forced to "unburden" her soul here b/c the deception was killing "her", and that maybe this was the more pronounced factor rather than letting her husband know the "truth". I could be wrong here (won't be the first time) and was just asking a question here. I don't need your lecturing here about this. I see nothing insulting at all in my post. Once again, although this may be reality, something doesn't sit right with me having a WS "have their best night's sleep" because their conscious is unburdened while the WS whole world crashes down. It kind of sucks if you ask me.

EIther way, to the original poster, congratulations on coming clean to your Husband, and good luck in getting your marriage back.

LM

A&B:
That just brought back fresh reminders. D Day for me was in May of this year. My H sat there and was extraordinarily calm. That probably scared me more than if he had gotten upset. My OW lived in another country though, so he wasn't about to board 3 planes just to beat her up!

Hope your H will be okay. Violence won't resolve anything. Good luck. Remember, there's a little relief right now. That lying isn't good for anyone. We're all here if you need to talk...

CC

Your H is currently having the worst night of his life. It's a very personal thing and everyone responds differently.

I learned of my fww's A over the phone as she had gone missing and I told her friend who was obviously covering something up that I was going to report her missing to the state police. A few minutes later, I received a call from her on OM's cell phone and she confessed the A, including PA over the phone. I calmly told her to remove all of her belongings from the house by midnight.

I spent the night with a friend that night, came home and saw her key on the kitchen counter. I realized on the spot that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. We talked the next day and two months and a day later, our marriage is already better than it has ever been. We are in love, in MC and have huge hopes of things getting even better.

You have taken the first step. Your H will have it easier than a lot of us, as you are ending the A and want to save the M. No plan A hell for him it sounds like.

You did the right thing today, be proud. You have been doing a terrible thing; know that it doesn't make you a bad person. Set out to fix the problems with your M that made this possible and to make your H feel loved and wanted. No matter how tough he may act, that is the biggest emotion he will soon be feeling.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman: DO you feel better now that you have "unloaded" your mind and admitted to the deception ? [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good question, Bad Bad delivery. Sorry LM. I see what your asking though.

A&B,

Doesnt it feel better to know you are no longer deciving your spouse and were completly honest with him?

A & B,

I can understand the relief - I guess it is relief that you are trying to leave your past behaviour behind and become a better person, a person who isn't selfishly seeking their own pleasure, a totally honest person who doesn't hurt others.
Also depletion - because the decision to tell your H probably came after a lot of thinking about your own actions and the implications of what they might mean for yourself, your H and your M.

I guess the point is that it is a really long process and it will take a long time for your H to process all this.... It will also take a long time for you to move from wanting to be this better person, to proving through your actions to your H that you have changed and are changing. Are you in MC or IC? Understanding why you had your A is really important so you know what to work on.

Good luck with it - I just want to add that you have made a good first step, now just one day at a time. Stick with MB if you need help, there are loads of good people here going through the same stuff.

I just wish my WW was thinking like you are <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

A&D,

how are you doing?

Yeah, give us an update. How did he act when he came home?

Alone and Broken...You did the right thing. It will be very tough on your husband. He needs you more now than ever. Please be there for him. I can't tell you what a difference that would have made for me if my WH would have done that for me. Instead he was there for the OW and left me alone in pain.
If you truly want to save your marriage continue to be honest and get into MC. Good luck!!!

A & B,

Well your in a big mess now but hopefully you can dig yourself out of it. I agree with the others... next step : get you and your H into MC ASAP.

Good Luck and you did do the right thing coming clean with hubby.

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 11:38 PM: Message edited by: Miker ]</small>