Today was my WH ships family support group Christmas party for the kids. I have gone every year, and told my WH (LONG ago) that I planned to take the kids this year again. He made it clear that he was NOT going to go. I still took the kids. There were some sailors there, and some wifes with kids only. The kids had a great time at the party, and I had fun talking with the wives that I hadn't seen in a long time. Our son did ask where his Dad was a few times, but I just said he was busy today. I had printed out two copies of my Plan B letter, to give to the ombudsman and family support group advisor that have been helping me through this. The ombudsman was not there as she was working, so I held on to her copy.

About 15 minutes before the end of the party GUESS WHO showed up? Yes, my WH. I had a look of 'what the heck' on my face. The kids were thrilled and ran to him screaming (and this makes me just completely devastated at how much they miss him). I told him that I didn't expect him, and that he must not have gotten the mail on the ship yet. He said no, he hadn't, and asked what it was. I told him to nevermind. He played with the kids a bit, and kept questioning me about going to Maine. He told me that he talked to his mother and she told him that as long as he is happy, she is behind him 100%. I don't understand people..... He told me that he hoped I could get over my attitude and let him spend time with the kids in Maine. I told him that I had no problem with him seeing the kids, but the OW could not be there. He said 'nevermind, I don't know why you have to be like that, you should accept that I am happy' I didn't respond. He mentioned something about the OW getting evicted and how it 'wasn't good' and I replied that I knew it wasn't good. I started packing up the kids things and he kept saying 'you know we are getting a divorce right' and ' I think it is pretty screwed up that you seem to be living the high life while I am struggling to pay bills' I said 'that's a choice you are making' I got the kids ready, and told him that I didn't want it to be this way, I wish he would have gotten the mail on the ship, but I gave him the copy of the Plan B letter I had there. He looked at the first line and I think he knew what it was. He turned to me and said 'see ya, I hope that once you see that it is black and white that we are getting a divorce you can move on and accept the OW for the kids step mother' I just said 'thank you for respecting my decision, and left.

I feel like crap. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. Why does it have to be like this? I want to call him and say I am sorry, nevermind that letter. I want him to e-mail me and say he loves me. He said tonight that we have nothing in common...I laughed. We HAD so much in common...
I didn't want to see him today, but I guess he felt he had to come anyhow. I wish the OW would just fall off the face of the earth. I wish something I said mattered to him. I know I am doing the right thing by Plan B, but it seems so unrealistic, and hard. If nothing else I will be more prepared when he does go through with the DV because I will have established a life of my own...but that thought scares me. I don't want to live my life without him. I didn't get married so I could get divorced. (Sorry for the pity party...)
Without you all on MB I would be lost.
Danielle

<small>[ January 14, 2005, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: DanigirlinVA ]</small>

wow is about all I can say. I am so sorry. Fog city. Time to go dark and cold. Do you have an intermediate set up for visitation and for any purpose WH might need to converse some how with you? Do you have his phone number blocked, and his e-mail blocked?

Dani,

Hang in there, it will be a tough ride but you can do it. My FWH said we were getting a D, he said we had nothing in common. Blah, blah, blah it is nothing new. Do you have a plan so he can visit the kids? Do you have a way to communicate regarding only the children and any legalities? Be sure to protect yourself and your kids first. I will be praying for you.

KMEJ,
My mother is going to act as intermediatarty for child visitation, should he decide he wants to visit them without the OW.
As far as money things, we can use his command. My WH does not have a telephone anymore.
I did not block his e-mail....I should though. I almost feel like I shouldn't in a way... Like what if he really means well? AHHHH this is harder then I expected...
Danielle

FF,
Thank you for keeping my family in your prayers. How long was your FWH in his affair?
Danielle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DanigirlinVA:
<strong>I did not block his e-mail....I should though. I almost feel like I shouldn't in a way... Like what if he really means well? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aaarrrggghhh!!! Danielle, block his email. He does NOT mean well. He didn't mean well when he took OW to bed. He didn't mean well when he abandoned his kids. He didn't mean well when he badgered you this afternoon.

Your only hope at recovering this marriage is removing yourself from his life -- completely -- and let him have what he thinks he wants so badly, his freedom. I predict he'll enjoy it for a while, but then he'll see you are serious (unless, of course, you read his emails).

He and OW will attempt to make their little happy life and -- guess what? -- they'll still fight and have their bad times. And YOU won't be there for him to blame it on. No more, "if Danielle would just get out of the way, the OW and I would be so happy...."

But if you take his emails, you will respond. Eventually. And your Plan B goes right down the drain.

Block him. Get him out of your life and see what happens. And don't expect instant results. He's got a thick mellon, your WS... it may take awhile.

~ Snow

Okay, I KNOW you are all right...and I did it. I NEED to do things throughout this that I don't want to do, but need to do, and this is one of them.
I have outlook express and I just created a mail rule.
It states that any mail from OW or WH will get deleted and a reply message sent that states "This message has been returned to sender and will not be received by the desired recipient."

Proud of myself...
It is going to really be hard to watch them try and try to succeed and move to Maine and get a house, ahhhh! No one said life was easy though, did they?

You all are my lifeline!
Thank you...a million.
Danielle

Now it's time for YOU to start to recover.

What's your plan?

A.M....
That is a very good question, and I honestly don't have a direct answer.
I am leaving Thursday to spend 3 weeks in Maine and visit family. While I am there I am going to be looking into places to live, jobs, schools etc in hopes of moving. My WH gets out of the Navy in May and that is when the Navy will pay for me to move to Maine, but if I can somehow do it sooner I will. I know in May it will be a fight with him because he wants the Navy to pay for him to move the OW and her kids home to Maine. My children (especially my son) are having a hard time dealing with my WH being gone. I am hoping that time with family helps him.
I have been looking forward to seeing my In Laws over the holidays, but now with WH telling them all this crap about his version of the situation and them telling him they are behind him, as long as he is happy.... I don't know if I even want to see them.
I have to try to figure out living arrangements and money...without my WH helping as much as he did...
I CAN do this..I CAN!
Danielle

Well the kids are in bed for the night. My time to reflect on the day. I took them to see the holiday lights at the ocean front, and they enjoyed that. There was a display of a U.S. Flag and my son said 'My Dad is on his ship protecting our United States' I responded with 'I like those lights that look like the flag too!' He continued with 'I miss Dad, I wish he could come home and not always be on the ship' The kids are only 4 and 22 months, so they think he is working on the ship right now. It is hard to hear how much they miss him, and know in my heart that he could be with us, but he chooses not to. There were so many times in their lives when he WAS out to sea and missed things, and he hated it. Now he has the choice, and chooses to miss them.

I have not heard from WH or OW since I gave him the Plan B letter. Something inside me wishes he would have TRIED to contact me and at least say something in responce to the letter. I know that isn't the point...but I just wish things were not like they are. I wish it upset him that I am not going to communicate with him. Maybe in time it will...I can only hope. I know that he is with her, having fun, drinking, enjoying life...and that makes me mad.

He said that when we go home he hopes his family and friends are able to see past the affair and see that he is happy and that is what matters. His Mother has told him she understands his decision. I am glad someone does, because I sure don't! Why does his happiness have to be a tornado in everyone elses life?

Tomorrow the kids are going to daycare, and I have the DAY OFF!!! I am going to clean and pack for our trip home and probably TAKE A NAP!!!

Danielle

Well at 7:15 AM I get a call from my WH ship. Is Petty Officer ______ there? I told the person that he no longer lived here, and gave them his girlfriends number. Now 7:30 another person calls, and I give the same message. They reply with the fact that no one is answering the girlfriends number and he isn't at work. Well I am sorry.

When I tried to get my WH in trouble for adultry they tried telling me that it WASN'T effecting his job. Well IF HE ISN'T THERE, then he can't be doing his job. Shesh, we have a much nicer 'new navy' then my Father was in.

Danielle

Morning Danigirl. SOunds like things are out of control with WH. Being AWOL is not the best choice for a military person! UH DUH!

When was psycho-OW being evicted? Hard reality might just be setting in. (We can only hope, right?) AND since you are in Plan B, you can't be blamed for this, can you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hang in there! You are doing great! Have you heard from the CO about the copy of the Plan B letter that you sent to the ship? Did you tell WH that you had sent a copy?

Have you seen a lawyer? Have you got your CS issues with the military in place? Especially if he is AWOL, you need to protect your family form the financial fallout if he is charged or released!

Sorry for all the questions. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> But, when you are in the middle of this junk, sometimes there are things you need to do that you might not think of. Only trying to help.
{{{Danigirl}}}

I think you're doing all the right things, danigirl - I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you are taking BIG steps towards being a stronger person now, and taking care of you and those two precious childre.

I just wanted to say not to put too much stock in his "I"m happy now and you'll just have to accept that. My mom is behind me all the way..yada yada yada..."

This is just bluffing big-time. If he's so happy, how come he's AWOL? What could stop him from getting to work except problems with the OW. It's not affecting his work? Like h**l! And I seriously doubt his mother is "behind him as long as he's happy" if his "happiness" earns him a dishonorable discharge! Don't pay any attention to that kind of talk. It's just bluffing.

You have done the right thing by involving his superiors and keeping them informed of your plans and decisions....so he's now hung out to dry and it will be clear to his superiors that he's the architect of his own sinking boat!

I know it hurts to watch him do this to himself, but you are doing the right thing - otherwise you would be right there in the sinking boat with him.

My nephew is in the Navy - he's at subschool in Groton right now - I can't believe your H's superior officers are going to let him get away with this.

All the best to you.
Hang in there, girl.
LIR

Hello,
Dannigirl have been reading your post from time to time sorry all that you are going through, i can relate big time. I was told the same thing by the jag ofc. when i tried to report OM. With the old line if it is not affecting their job they can't do anything about it. I was able to contact his wife though and boy did she talk and I let WW know. She was shakened at first but after it wore off she went back to defending OM. I am glad i did though at least the seed has been planted in her brain.
Are you in the VA.Beach area???
jets

Fighting,
I am not sure when they are actually getting evicted. The hearing was the 6th and the landlord won, but I am not sure the date they have to be out by. The command made my WH agree to a set amount to give me each month, but he STILL has not set up an allotment like they told him to. They are going to meet with him tomorrow again about this. The CO said he recieved the letter, but did not go into details. I have seen a laywer but since I am moving out of this state before my WH and I will be seperated a year, it makes things difficult. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Jets,
Yes, we live in Virginia Beach <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
LIT, Thank you for the encouragement. I know it is good that I am NOT in his ship to sink with it, but you are right, it is hard watching him sink his ship. I want so badly to help him..but he isn't ready for that.

WH has not tried to contact me since the letter. OW tired calling this AM at 9 and I didn't answer...and she didn't leave a message.
I just looked at her yahoo profile..
http://profiles.yahoo.com/sweetshysouthernangel
I think it is ironic that she says she cares about her children so much, but yet CPC is on her butt all the time.
The last line jerked my heart in a bad way. I don't know why I torture myself by looking at things like that. I can't STAND the fact that she is going to OUR state, and moving to OUR hometown to be with MY husband. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Danielle

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: DanigirlinVA ]</small>

So the OW is self employed selling adult toys?!??!? Doesn't finish her sentences and says she isn't available anymore? Well her own bi-line says '[censored] happens'.....very telling isn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ..... and she plans to have lots of babies? Already has 3 children.....is this a woman or a rabbit? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Take comfort in the fact that she has identified herself as a loser. For anyman to hook up with her based on HER description shows he has a few screws loose. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I recommend you give him a powered (tim allen type) screw driver. Tell him to add a few nuts to bolt it in better because those screws just keep falling out all over the place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Orchid,
She actually has 4 children, but the Father of child #1 has custody of him. WH as had 3 children (we lost our DD 3 years ago), 2 living. So, between them they have parented 7 children. I say that is enough. My WH had a vasectomy, but she would like him to have it reversed. She DID have a job delivering the newspaper but now she is back to sex toys. The love of her life...I love that.....actually I HATE IT!
They both have some screws loose. You would LAUGH your butt off if I sent you the hate e-mail she sent me. It is soooo poorly written I almost had to hire a translator.
Danielle

P.S. I think my husband is having a serious mental breakdown, that he sees as happiness.

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: DanigirlinVA ]</small>

A few questions...
WH got some papers from a debt consolidation company in the mail today that we requested when he was 'back' home. Would it be OK of me in Plan B to put them in another envelope and mail them to his ship?

I wish he had an address that I could put a change of address thing at the post office, but since they are getting evicted they don't have an address yet. How do I handle mail that comes here?

Thanks!
Danielle

When will be at a land address? If soon, ship it to where he will get it the quickest.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,
He would probably get mail on the ship quicker because I have no idea what is going on with their living situation. Question I face is... Is it OK for me to be mailing him things in Plan B?

Danielle
P.S. Thank you!