He then went on about how OW held a knife to his neck and punched him in the face twice in front of her kids at the hotel room before leaving to be with her H.

this is from where you draw your strength in in plan B....

no matter what state they are in together..they are in a state of utter chaos and destruction...

and your plan b protects your own children from ever ever having to witness such a thing....

stay dark
darker than dark...

let him see only his own reflection of shame in the OW eyes....

let him wallow in this falseness...
doesn't matter where they are physically...

he is in great turmoil....
and they bring chaos..

stay calm
stay graceful
stay smart...

stay quiet and just be....

you are doing really really good...
you still have options...
you can always jump back in to this mess and wallow with them...
but you know you really can't do that...cause once you start to get away from it...nothing seems more impossible than going back to that level....

she held a knife to your husbands throat
she punched him twice in the face
and did this all in front of her own children in a motel room..

merry christmas little children....
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
so sad
so pathetic...
I mean really really sad....for those children...
sheeeesh....

gather your loved one around you...
seek greater calm....

ARK

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WH on OW: "...Somebody that ... treats me like I have never been treated before" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, ain't that the truth?

In answer to your question: "How much more of this can I take?" That depends on your Plan B. Plan B saves your strength for when you'll need it -- recovery, or divorce. If you get involved in this -- and you are -- you will become as nutty as they are. And your kids will suffer.

You've GOT to stay in Plan B. This is the rollercoaster you want to stay off. They will go up, they will go down, they will go up again. Don't subject yourself to this. Let it play out on its own. There's nothing you can do besides prayer to bring this to a faster close.

Protect yourself. Protect your kids.

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 03:45 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

You are getting good advice. Please, please do NOT talk to him. Do not let him get anything from you, even the fact that you are willing to listen to the ridiculous situation he has gotten himself into.

Plan B is to protect you, your love for him and to protect your children from the drama and craziness. Your H's family is weak and doesn't want to confront H for fear he will stop contact with them. This happens a lot, this is his blood family. Do NOT take it personally.

Notice how what you think about what is happening with H and OW influences how you feel yourself. You need to regain control of your thoughts so that they don't feed into negative feelings for yourself. I recommend a quick read by Carlson, "How to Be Happy All the Time," or similar title words. I have given out my last copy so I may not have that right.

Plan B is the time to gain peace for yourself and your family. Peace of mind. YOU are OK, your kids are OK. No, H is not where you want him to be, nor is your M, but acceptance will bring you peace. You only control yourself, so do all you can for yourself and your kids and keep H and his doings out of it.

You are all right...I NEED to stay dark...no matter how hard it is to do. Right now it seems impossible...but I know it isn't. I just have to make myself do it.
WH is supposed to give me money every 2 weeks and the day was two days ago (Wednesday). He has not set up an allotment yet, even though he has been asked my his command to do so. I thought about what I should do last night. I could have called him, but I asked my Mom to do so. She called and his Dad answered the phone, and said WH was not in. My mom talked to his Dad for some time. He said that WH and OW got into town yesterday and already the family is a wreck over it and the children are acting out. They have flushed Christmas ornaments down the toilet and started a fire on top of the woodstove. He said that my MIL is a wreck but doesn't want to contront WH because she might upset him. *sigh* FIL said that he and I never saw eye-to-eye but he is starting to believe me because when WH came over he looked like he had no idea where he was or who he was. Sad....very...sad...
My Mom called WH again today and WH told my mom that he has not gotten paid yet. I know for a fact he has, I can SEE the balance in his account!
WH called a mutual friend and asked about new years...the friend said he was not OK going out with OW, but that the friend would stop by WH house and visit for a few minutes this afternoon. WH said 'all was well'. Whatever.

I know Plan B is for ME....but all I can think about is WH. I drove by his road on the way into town last night and wanted so bad to drive by their house to 'see' what was going on. I didn't.... I want to call and say 'COME HOME' like he will listen. Although I know 100% I would be setting myself up for hurt. I have family here, tons to do, but I still think about him....and wish things were different. I hate that he is ringing in the New Year with OW and not me......
I will pick up that book you suggested. Speaking of that. I am in the mood to read...those who know my situation...any ideas?
Danielle

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: DanigirlinVA ]</small>

Dani,

You can't control the azz that is wagging it's tail in the wind. Nor can you control the hot stinky air coming out of that end. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

With that in mind, call your mediator (mom, FIL, etc.). Let them know the baby needs diaper and formula $$, child needs a jacket (whatever), mention some necessities and let them know current funds are already in his bank account and need t/b transferred to the family account. This way all will know he has the $$ and he can't lie to them. The down side is that he may change his password to his account so you can't view it anymore. Or you could reword it and say his command says the check was deposited on X day.

Determine your risks. Plan you action and execute.

L.

Okay...I need opinions...

A friend of ny WH and Mine...we will call him Chris.

Okay so Chris and his wife and I all went out for dinner yesterday. He hasn't talked to my WH but maybe once a month since this all happened. WH used to call him AT LEAST weekly, but WH has been avoiding everyone. Chris said that he was mad at WH and didn't approve of what he was doing. WH has called him twice since he has been in Maine and Chris hasn't talked to him. Finally Chris answered when WH called tonight. Chris went to visit WH and OW and her kids. He was there for like an hour. Then he told WH to come over tomorrow, (he plans to bring OW and her kids) Well so WH and OW were talking about places to live when WH gets out of the Navy and OW DS 12 was playing with fire, DS 3 was playing playstation and DD 10 was chasing cats. OW and WH were smoking in the kitchen (nice around kids). So WH asked Chris what he thought of OW. Instead of Chris saying what he tells ME he says "your the one who has to live with her, I am going to remain nutural" Okay...
So I asked Chris what his deal was. Why he thought it was wrong for WH to play both sides, yet he seems to do that to me. He said he is both of our friends, and doesn't want to get into a big fight with WH when he hasn't seen him in months. He said that he doesn't think it is okay, but it isn't his place to say. Then he says that OW has a pretty tight hold on WH. Now Chris wants me to go over there tonight and hang out with he and his wife. YET he plans to have WH and OW over tomorrow. AHHHH
OPINIONS?????
Danielle

Plan B all enablers too.

What do you mean by this?

Dani,

For those who support the A by their conflict avoiding tactics, the BS would do well to not have as much interaction with them. They are for the most part not your supporters, though in time you could get info from them. However be careful how much info you share with them. Don't expect them to have your interests at heart.

This man told you a lot by saying he didn't want to get involved. Make it a 1-way info collecting relationship with them. Maybe his W will tell you more but becareful what you share with them. Assume they will tell all to the WS. The WS will try to use them to get info from you, expect that. Eventually they may tire of the WS using them and may become your allies but not yet so don't treat them that much credit. Better you learn this now than later.

The WS has to convince the world he and the OW are a team. They really are a team.... a team of no good homewreckers, stinky and dirty to the core. Your H is getting buried in that mess and I am sure you and your family miss your H but not the WS. So stay clear of the WS and keep a lookout for your H trying to escape from their clutches. Just don't hold your breathe. Right now the "dark side" is strong with the WS and OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

May the MB force be with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

Okay....so my Mom called WH again tonight about the money. The OW DH 12 answered and said that WH was 'fing his mom' right now and to quit calling that it was upsetting my MIL and FIL. Well I know that is a lie. Let me remind you that this is my Uncle in Laws house they are at (he is working). Okay so then he goes on to say that he is WH son in law and that his mom and my WH are getting married. My Mom said that WH is already married, but she wouldn't go into that with a 12 yo and where is WH. He said WH is divorced (THEY KNOW!!! that he is married) He was a wicked big [censored] the whole time. Then he changed the story to say that WH is at the store with OW. So....even with a 'middle man' this is getting nasty. I just want the money he promised to give me as support....
*sigh*
Happy Darn New Year
Danielle

12 year old said that?!??!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well the call was for $$ not a sex status report. What does that have to do with the missings funds? More babble.

So maybe the next call to his command should include that when a call was made to ask for family neccessity items, a 12 year old gave a detailed account of sorts regarding the A sexlife? See how well that goes in the commander's file on this stuff. I mean if he wants to give you fog, then pass the fog on down the line.

Really, the MIL and FIL want t/b known as allowing that under their roof? Hm...... gotta wonder....maybe that word should get around also, eh? Oh yea and if it does, don't be shy as to the originator of those claims. You don't want to be known as the originator, just the one passing the info. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Sorry...... keep focued on the $$ call. This was an attempt to get you all off track. Don't get off track. A call in a day or so about the $$ issue will bring it back in focus. I mean after a while what more horror stories are they going to give..... a video version? Just make sure you don't call from a phone with a camera! LOL!!

L.

I am not ready to contact my MIL and FIL about the comments yet.. I feel like I would sound like I was trying to start trouble, and I am not at all.
When I get back to VA, and still have NO TRUCK, I will contact the command and find out what to do about this whole thing.

I didn't end up going out with those friends. I left them a message saying that I couldn't make it and would talk to them later. I hope they have fun with OW and WH today. *GRRR*

Danielle

Dani,
I am sorry, I don't know many details of your agreement for support from your H, but it sounds like you need to get some legal help here.

Can you get a legal separation that includes monetary support? You need some help here and pretty soon your Mom is going to get quite upset by these interactions. Best to get some neutral parties involved here.

As for this friend of your H's Chris--get info from him if you feel you need it regarding the your kids and what they are being exposed to with this OW around and any financial issues, then stop. You do not need to hear about what WH and OW are doing. You must remove yourself from all of this. Stop showing ANYONE interest from you in your H. This is harmful to you to hear all these details. I know, they can haunt you for days. The less you know, the less you have to obsess about.

The goal of Plan B is to remove yourself completely from the drama and preserve the love you have for your real H, not the idiot he is acting at the moment. He is in deep and not likely to start to see the light until staying with her is much more painful than giving her up. This is a sick relationship that will die a horrible death, but stand back and let it happen. Meanwhile, you are building a new life for yourself--no "friends" like Chris and his W--new ones that are YOURS and your kids'. Think about what YOU want out of life for YOU, not just in terms of a M or not, but personally. Get to work on that. Now. Protect yourself and your finances and get support from H, but that is IT regarding your involvement with him. Act as if you don't have a H at the moment, b/c you know what, you don't!

I can tell you from my experience that that was such a turning point for me, when I really began to think of myself as not M. Took care of myself and my child. Worked on ME, did things I liked, developed new friendships and spirituality. I got to a very peaceful place. This will save your sanity and is honestly the only chance for your M in the long run too.

Dani, Lordy, I am in fits over the protection of your children here. Are you and everyone else documenting what this crazy OW and her wacked out kids are doing? And how you husband is completely checked out of his mind?

You can never, ever, ever allow your kids around this woman or her corrupted children (but I think you know this). But the day could come where you could be FORCED to allow visitation. Make sure that everything that is told to you by others is written down -- by both them and you --and dated. You might need this later. The time might comes when you need to call your FIL as a reluctant witness.

And the knife-to-the-throat incident. Or is it alleged incident? Does he make up things to tell you that can't be proven? Does he expect you'll tell this crazy incident to everyone and then he'll show up at his parents for Christmas and say you are totally whacked? That nothing of the sort ever happened? Is he setting you up?

Or did this really happen? They seem to be continually violent with each other (well, she with him) and then he leaves, cries to you to save him and then goes back to her. Is it all a ruse? If not, this like battered wife syndrome, only reversed.

Let say it is all true. Then this OW and her children are a dangerous, dangerous lot. I wouldn't leave my dog with them. Now, here's your 2x4. Are you ready?

My advice, and I know this is not MB, but get the hell away from him. Move back to Maine, rely on you family for support and eliminate him from your life. Get a lawyer and consult with her/him about what you should legally do to protect your children from this insanity.

Quit putting up with it. Get out of it. End it. Now. When you get weak and want to talk to him, ask yourself this question: what about this man makes you so willing to put your children in harm's way? Because every discussion or contact you have with him will be interpreted in a divorce court that you obviously didn't fear for your children and it is likely a divorce judge will grant joint custody to your WH, including visits in his den of iniquity with OW and her kids. Can't you see that?

~ Snow

Anne,

Sorry about the late reply. Things have been crazy but I am finally back home in Virginia. As far as legally, that is very hard right now. I am not even sure WHERE I am a resident. I WAS a resident of Maine, then changed to VA for school purposes, now I have a Maine Drivers Lisence...

I DID contact his command YESTERDAY, with three issues...an alotment, the truck, and moving when he gets out of the Navy. They said they would look into what they can do about those things.

A LOT happened when we were in Maine. As far as "Chris"....
I didn't end up going out with him on New Years Eve, and I told him I didn't feel comfortable going out with him one day and having him go out with OW the next. Well yesterday I found out that my WH and OW have hung out with Chris and his wife all week. Shows how two faced people can be...
I am not answering his calls or calling him...it is to much drama.

Thank you for the advice..
Danielle

Snow,
Sorry for the late reply....

When we were in Maine and OW and WH (with kids and pets) met my in laws they saw how crazy things were. My WH brought OW and her 3 kids and 3 cats and our dog to stay at my Grandfather in Laws old house. WITHOUT warning or ASKING my WH expected that his Mother would welcome the OW and baggage to STAY there while he came back to VA for 4 months to finish his Navy duties. My MIL was very against this. FIL and MIL told me how they were so sorry...so confused etc. Then after a 2 hour talk with WH my MIL told me that she was 'unsure' and 'more confused' now. Whatever that means. Seems she is starting to believe his lies. FIL is still very anti-OW.

Anyhow, WH did not see the kids AT ALL while we were there. I brought them to see MIL 3 times and they have a great time there. Everytime MIL agreed to make sure no one would show up, and she did. She understands how important it is that the kids stay away from that drama.

As far as I know the drama and violence is all real. I have proof of some of the police calls, etc. On Christmas when he came to our house in VA ( we were in Maine) he left his huge toolbox, which shows me that he had no place to put it and no place to go besides the ship. I have SEEN some of her crazy behaviors...

I am TRYING to get the dog back. I want to call MIL again today to find out if they took the dog and how to get it back, but everytime I call I feel like she thinks I want to start drama....so I am not sure what to do.

Thank you for the 2x4...I think I needed it. I posted a thread with something like "why am I staying married"
I question if he can ever go back to the man I knew...enough for me to want to be with him again.
It is so sad that it turned out this way...and I would give anything for it to not be like this...but I can't change HIM..
Danielle

So today WH gets back to VA and back to work on the ship. I want so badly to call him at work and ask him all the things I need to know, like about the car, his alotment, the dog, and things like that. I am not though.... I will try to see what the command says first. They are so slow at getting back to me I sometimes feel like they aren't even trying to resolve things.

Anyhow, my e-mail is done through outlook express and you can't block e-mails but you can set up ''mail rules'' I set one up that if I get a message from WH or OW it replies back with "This message has been returned to sender and will not be received by the desired recipient." and deletes the message. Just about 30 minutes ago I get a call from WH and he leaves a message that says "What is all this crap? Are you too cool to read my e-mails now?"
I have no idea what he e-mailed, but I think it is rather odd that he would consider it 'too cool'.

Danielle

Okay so he calls again and leaves a message saying he wants a reciept for the money I got on the 1st from him.
I didn't respond.


Then I get an e-mail from a friend of mine (another sailor on the ship and it says)

"Seeing some things that have gone down here today
concerning you soon to be ex and the command, I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you all. I'll explain more when I talk to you next."

I am freaking out. What is going on?????

Danielle

Hang in there Dani -

I think you're doing great!

When MIL and FIL got a taste of OW and her drama, they start to get a better picture - when MIL says "I'm confused", she probably means "I'm not so sure now that this woman means happiness for my son', but she doesn't want to admit to you she's been wrong. Her actions tell you that she is supporting you in your decision to have NC with WH - and your kids are her grandkids - she wants what's best for them - I'm sure she noticed that WH didn't see his own kids, but tried to provide a house for OW and her kids, which wasn't his to give, either!

Don't contact WH - good for you for blocking his e-mail.

Sounds like you have a friend in this sailor who is going to fill you in - just wait - he obviously feels sympathetic towards you or he wouldn't have contacted you and sent a message of support "I'm thinking of you".

Just try to hang in there. Maybe his command finally lowered the boom on him, and not before time, either!

LIR

Hang in there Dani -

I think you're doing great!

When MIL and FIL got a taste of OW and her drama, they start to get a better picture - when MIL says "I'm confused", she probably means "I'm not so sure now that this woman means happiness for my son', but she doesn't want to admit to you she's been wrong. Her actions tell you that she is supporting you in your decision to have NC with WH - and your kids are her grandkids - she wants what's best for them - I'm sure she noticed that WH didn't see his own kids, but tried to provide a house for OW and her kids, which wasn't his to give, either!

Don't contact WH - good for you for blocking his e-mail.

Sounds like you have a friend in this sailor who is going to fill you in - just wait - he obviously feels sympathetic towards you or he wouldn't have contacted you and sent a message of support "I'm thinking of you".

Just try to hang in there. Maybe his command finally lowered the boom on him, and not before time, either!

LIR