My Mother, although she loves me dearly and has been very good to me in so many ways, has been a major problem in my marriage and other relationships. This has manifested itself in the following ways, among others:

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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Never approved of anyone I have dated/been involved with</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Had a key to our house and came in anytime she pleased (have since stopped that)</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Was controlling in the decorating of the house (fww is now taking that over, we had major water damage and half the house is getting redone, my wife is getting to pick out all the stuff she wants now</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Told my wife that she would be involved in the marriage and to 'get used to it'</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Was always very critical of me growing up and still</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Made my wife feel (in her own words) like the only role she could have in my life was sex, and if Mom could do that too, she would..(ouch)</font></li>

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To make a long story short, very narcissistic and controlling. I never really stood up to all this until post A...now I can see just how unhealthy my relationship with my Mother has been and I have drawn hard boundaries which she is now honoring.

She now proclaims to hate my wife due to the A and has said she is not welcome at her home. I told her I understood, but not to expect me there for holidays, etc. if my wife is not welcome. We didn't go for Thanksgiving which has caused a huge rift in the family.

Now, she is not putting out any Christmas decorations and is saying there will be no Christmas celebration. I had already made it clear that I could not go there this year anyway. But, my brother, who has two small kids, has been calling me wanting me to try to talk to mom for the grandkids (his kids) sake, etc.

I am comfortable with all of this. I can see for the first time in my life that I have to draw the line with Mom. However, I can tell that it bothers my wife as she keeps bringing it up and saying that she just doesn't want me to do something I will regret by not going there. I have told her that I must draw the line with Mom and I know that she is happy that I am doing so, as it was the number one problem with our marriage.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to anything I could do to make my wife feel better. Anyone ever been in a similar situation?

<small>[ December 12, 2004, 02:50 AM: Message edited by: Hurting Hoosier ]</small>

again..it must be the water thing.


Hopefully your wife realizes the changes you've made with the relationship with your mother. It sounds like you are putting your wife's EN's before your mothers (IMO that's a good thing)

My WW has a very..very..very controlling mother. (Fortunately she lives 140 miles away <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but she somehow still causes problems <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )
I think if you are truly happy with the decision, that's what matters.
sometimes mom's just don't get it. (your situation is why I have not told my mother about the situation. That and my siblings keep telling me, if you want to work things out.. don't tell our mother. But hey, every situation is slightly different.)

Hi, HH.

Whoah! How awful for your wife. To be so alone in your M. I am proud of your stand! IMHO, this is you choosing to stand up for your family.

AND, you are growing up! Your W is your partner. You are choosing to make her a priorty.

You are NOT responsible for your M's choices. If she chooses to try to manipulate you, control you, and try to guilt you by not decorating her house; AND in the process, hurt your brother, that is not your problem.

If you apply FOG principle to your M, you can see that you need to ignore her and disengage. You do not need to nor should you respond to her tactics.

You are trying to work things out with your wife. I would suggest telling her that you apologize for not standing up for her before and that this is NOT her doing. THis is you standing up for your family. This is YOUR choice. It is the right hting to do.

Oh, and I would expect if you think on what will happen next (fog), your M will get very angry and struggle to MAKE you do what she wants.

Has this been addressed in your IC sessions? This is a big issue and must have had a serious impact on your M.

BTW, I have had problems with my MIL in the past. But, we are good friends now and my strongest ally in my attempts to save my M to her only son. It took me facing our problems and me standing up to how she was treating me. BUT, she would NEVER interfere in our marriage. That is so wrong on so many levels.

I have never heard of a marriage surviving where a son or daughter chose to listen to their parents over their Spouse.

Good that you are doing what is right. You are on the best path. Good luck!

^^^bump

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[*]Never approved of anyone I have dated/been involved with</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">sooooo.... the evidence will show your Mum has not had your best interest at heart.....for many years.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[*]Had a key to our house and came in anytime she pleased (have since stopped that)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What the hell were you thinking? How long ago did you put a stop to that... or was it your Wife who stopped it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[*]Was controlling in the decorating of the house (fww is now taking that over, we had major water damage and half the house is getting redone, my wife is getting to pick out all the stuff she wants now</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell your Wife she is welcome (use the word "welcome") to throw away anything that reminds her of the old MIL-Wife power struggle... because it is over (use the word "over").

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[*]Told my wife that she would be involved in the marriage and to 'get used to it'</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep would have left you that day... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> see how lucky you are? You Wife loves you despite some major stupidity on your part <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[*]Was always very critical of me growing up and still</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She's sick, you Mum. Forgive her in your heart... but stay away from her because she is SICK ... and contageous. You too became sick with her disease ... but you've decided not to drink her poison anymore. You've decided to become healthy. And stay clear of contageous sick influences.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[*]Made my wife feel (in her own words) like the only role she could have in my life was sex, and if Mom could do that too, she would..(ouch)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cut those apron strings and burn them.

Demonstrate to your Wife you are now devoted to HER.... adoring of HER .... committed to HER ..... and no machinations by Mommy Dearest is going to sway you.... and you have decided not to feel any guilt for choosing to remain healthy.... NO GUILT for excluding UNhealthy contageous influences from your life.

Your wife's happiness and comfort is your business now.

Got it?

Pep

<small>[ December 12, 2004, 09:18 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> To make a long story short, very narcissistic and controlling. I never really stood up to all this until post A...now I can see just how unhealthy my relationship with my Mother has been and I have drawn hard boundaries which she is now honoring. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your mother is truly narcissistic, then her controlling behaviors will never change. The best you can hope for is to find a way to live with it.

You are no longer the *child* that your mother raised and watched over your every move. You have crossed over, left the nest, got married.

Grab yourself by the b*lls if ya got em and take control over the direction of your life and your marriage.

Let your mother have her little hissy fit. She is going to come out on the losing end by missing out on the joy of her grandchildren on their favorite holiday.

I realize some families are tight knit but, I think it best sometimes, (especially with controlling parents) to create a little more distance (miles) between yourself and your parent(s). You may want to consider moving a bit further away from the nest. Mom can obviously take care of herself...and you would be proving to yourself and your W that you are fully capable of managing your life and marriage without the intervention of your mother.

Every day that she is even mentioned in conversation in your home is one more day that she is in control.

WOW HH! I read your post and felt as though I was being taken back in time!!!

My situation was almost identical except I'm the BS. My MIL was just as manipulative and controlling as your Mother is.... Many wonderful moments in our lives were marred because of her.

I'll tell you what my H did to remedy that ugly situation.

After my H's A was disclosed my MIL got involved...of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . She actually tried to make my H leave me for the OW. Said she never liked me and wondered if she'd like the OW better. Said I wasn't good enough and didn't treat my H well enough (keep in mind that neither one of us was an exemplary spouse). MY MIL didn't want what was best for my H or my kids; she saw an opportunity to be rid of the woman who had "stolen" her son's love. When confronted she lied to my husband...weird huh!

It was that moment that opened my H's eyes to what kind of person his mother really was...and it was a turning point for him. With the help of a wonderful IC/MC my H and I were able to start repairing out M and were able to set some pretty firm boundaries. MY MIL wanted nothing to do with those boundaries but my H was firm he stood his ground. He recognized that his family was more important...I was more important, the kids were more important. He really grew during that period of time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

At this point, my H choses not to speak to his Mom. Until she recognizes and works on fixing herself my H doesn't want her around. My MIL denies it ever happened. Sadly, my H's family, despite the fact they've not been told the truth have decided "dear old Mom" has been wronged. The up side is that we are happier and our marriage is stronger than it ever was. My H is much happier, stronger and much more confident. We don't miss the negativity and the manipulation.

We are happier, stronger ppl because we took a stand. We stood united as a couple. A couple of good books you may want to read on this subject are by Susan Forward and called "Toxic In-Laws" and "Toxic Relationships" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ...I think.

You did the right thing re: your mother.

<small>[ December 12, 2004, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

Why dont u invite your brother and his family to your home for one of teh days over Christmas, in order to celebrate? Send an invitation to your mother to join you. It will then be up to her to swallow her pride and come and join you, or to miss out on the situation.

Make sure that before extending the invitation to your mother, that you have everything organised, so that there is no way that she can take over. Have something in mind that she could perhaps cook and bring so that she will feel useful and involved (my wife wonders if you could cook your delicious ____ for the table). Make it clear that your wife is the hostess and in charge. When you call her say that you and your wife are having a family celebration and would both like her to join you.

She may be too proud to accept your invitation
but noone will be able to accuse you of not offering an olive branch.

Hope that this idea may help.

HH,

Boy do I know this feeling. I have been in your spouses shoes for 15 years. Thankfully its coming to an end.

Just remember to keep your spouse first.

I appreciate all the input. You guys are COMPLETELY correct. I have drawn firm boundaries and we are happier than we have ever been.

We are like two goofy junior high kids in love right now and it is all due to my giving dear old Mum the boot from our marriage...and, no, I do not feel any quilt about that. It had to be done..should have been done years before I ever met my wife. I make it a point to tell her that several times as day and make her know that it's in no way her fault!

I told her just now, before she left for work that anything in the house that reminded her of Mom that she wanted to get rid of was gone..huge smile..

I do hold out some hope that Mom could come around in the future, but we are talking about years of this behaviour on her part...doesn't mean I don't love her, just that the behaviour cannot be allowed to continue on any level.

I plan to invite my brother and family to our house so we can give them our gifts, but I think it's just too soon to try that with Mom this year. Maybe next year. I can see so many positive changes in my wife due to this finally being over with Mom. She told me yesterday that she would like to have Thanksgiving and Christmas for the whole family at our house next year...she has NEVER wanted to do anything like that before...

I can't believe it took me so long, but it is the BEST decision I have ever made. It feels good to grow a pair where Mom's concerned...

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 05:06 AM: Message edited by: Hurting Hoosier ]</small>

Great idea ! However, do make sure that you send your mother a Christmas present and greeting card from the whole of your family, wishing her all the best for the festive season. You do not want this distance between you to become a huge rift and this would be a way to let her know that you still care about her (but arent giving in to her blackmail!).

A box of cookies baked by your wife and children might be a nice touch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 05:53 AM: Message edited by: Debbra ]</small>

HH, You somewhat describe my mother - although she had enough religious convictions to not try to break up a marriage, she has been pretty critical of my husband.

Boundary stuff can take a few years, or it can take a lifetime.

My son is very dear to me, incredibly talented and bright, but his grandmother doesn't know him as well as her other grandchildren - part of it's the distance I moved to have control over my life and family, and part of it is that she's not too fond of my husband, so she looks for flaws in my son.

Things were quite chilly in the Kayla-Mom relationship for a few years, but my husband felt a deeper love and affection for me because he knew beyond any doubt that he came before my mother!

" Made my wife feel (in her own words) like the only role she could have in my life was sex, and if Mom could do that too, she would..(ouch)"

I think you need to have a talk about this one. If your mother is giving that impression to your wife there could be some deeper issues here.

I mean everything else could be written off as a controlling mother in law. Maybe its just due to what I have recently been through with my wife, but that really concerns me.

Mohter's guilt, and she knows how to wield it. She is pulling out all the stops to get the situation back the way she wants it...

It's not enough that SHE is trying to manipulate you and your decision, but she is making life hard for the rest of the family so they'll put pressure on you too.

Suggest to your brother that he not go to Mom's for Christmas, and that he invite her over to HIS house.

As far as what to say to your W? Apologize for the way life had been for so long, and that you both AS A TEAM will weather this storm. Apologize profusely for not doing this before. Mom will get worse before she gets better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillHereMakingIt:
<strong> Mohter's guilt, and she knows how to wield it. She is pulling out all the stops to get the situation back the way she wants it...

It's not enough that SHE is trying to manipulate you and your decision, but she is making life hard for the rest of the family so they'll put pressure on you too.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Understood. I can see all of this clearly for the first time in my life now!

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Suggest to your brother that he not go to Mom's for Christmas, and that he invite her over to HIS house.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that is a fantastic idea. I am going to recommend that to him tomorrow.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
As far as what to say to your W? Apologize for the way life had been for so long, and that you both AS A TEAM will weather this storm. Apologize profusely for not doing this before. Mom will get worse before she gets better. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have many times, and will apologize again before it is done. I know I still am not tired of hearing her apologize for the A, although I have made it clear she is forgiven..