ok everyone. My WW told me she is going to help a friend at work paint her house today and then a bunch of people from work will go out to eat. She called me tonight to say the painting is taking longer then expected and she is spending the night at her friends house. (btw I've never meet this woman.) She told me the OM is helping with the painting too. Should I be worried? What should I do when she comes home tomorrow?

Stay cool...dun LB...stick to plan A. There is nothing much you can do if she is lying to you.

Here's the thing she doesn't "lie" to me when she does these things. She dances around the truth. Then when she returns she tells me what happened. Then asks why do you still want to be around me?
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uh, Yup. I think you know the answer to that one. DOes she have a cell? Tell her you will come over and help, too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Probably not possible now. But, if and when this type of sitch comes up again, I would go with her. She is in foggy land and can't be trusted imho.

WHen she comes home tomorrow, I would sit her down and without DJs tell her that her actions are not acceptable. They are hurtful, etc. Has she agreed to NC? If not why not? Have you exposed to everyone.

If she has agreed to NC, ask her what the two of you can do to get through this type of thing. How can the 2 of you avoid this happening in the future. Get her friends number and meet her. WS always find new friends that don't know the BS so that they have the freedom to do what they want. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

not in NC. She told me she can't find a new job and doesn't know how to remove OM from her life. She told me if we were to work things out, she would have to resolve her feelings about him first. She says the feelings for me are sentimental and in the past. The feelings for OM are present.
She knows I can't go with her because I have to work overnights <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
back to the job thing. I've read in our joint email account that she was asking a friend of ours about a possible job opening. (my thinking, she is looking for a new job but won't tell me, so I won't get my hopes up for some reason.)

Have you confront OM? Have you expose their affair to friends and relative? Are you in counselling?

You need to do all of the above if you want to save your marriage...take care

told mutual friends.. told 2 of my sisters. none in her family (trust me that would make things much worse.) haven't confronted OM. The two of us were kind of friends through my WW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
and I am in counseling.

Get her to write a Non contact letter. This is very important and at the same time do plan A. Is she is in MC too?

Tell her family and confront OM if you must. Do everything in the book if you want to be double sure the affair ends and you wont have nightmares everyday.

Get her to do NC letter today.

Make she goes to counselling too.

Pray and make sure you do a super plan A. Dont get angry be calm.

I've tried and she's still unwilling to go to MC!
she says gotten the papers for a divorce and has filled out a portion of it.

F4mw,

You do realize that she is still babbling to you, right? With that in mind, then you need to learn to babble back (reverse babble) and keep busy with YOUR plan.

Ex1:

WS says she is 1/2 finished with her D paperwork. You go get your paperwork and finish all of it but don't give it to her and don't sign her's until you are ready.

Ex2:

WS says she doesn't want to go to MC. You keep going....for your personal recovery. They will also strengthen you so that when she comes out of the fog, if you are still willing, there c/b a chance..... for her. You already have it in the bag.

Ex3: WS wants to get a job. Start giving her, her A share of the bills. If she is making bills and not working, she will have to figure out how to get the $$. RE: BS no longer funding the A.

Ex4: Ws doesn't know how to get OM out of her life..... You know how to get him out of yours.... tell to the rest of the family (both sides). Yep she will get mad but no madder than she has already been. Make sure she is out the door and you are ready to go to plan B.

Remember NOT to fall into the babble trap.

L.

Morning Orchid!
I am still going to MC by myself. She does work now, and pays for everything except the mortgage payment. That's my bill. (her bills and my BIG bill even out so we pay evenly.) I still don't believe telling her family about the A will work. Is it possible to go to them for advice without divulging the secret? Would that be a better alternative?
Maybe I'm kidding myself and I'm not as strong as I think I am to commit completely to Plan A.

<small>[ December 12, 2004, 05:32 AM: Message edited by: Fighting 4 my wife ]</small>

F4mw,

Ok, educate me.... why is not telling her family better than telling her family?

L.

Fighting, I have to agree with Orchid, since our stories seem so much alike, how do you and her family get along?

Edited to add: Wanted to let you know, my W told me she was going to a friends to help paint a room, hmmmmmm

<small>[ December 12, 2004, 06:11 AM: Message edited by: Learning The Hard Way ]</small>

ok explanition of my wife's relationship with her family (specifically her mother.)
My wife grew on a farm in an ultra conservative family. When my wife was was very young.. about 3 or 4. She was put in charge of her blind younger brother. Her brother was run over by a truck and died. Since then her mother kept fostering abused children.. ignoring my wife.. and made my wife watch the abused babies (in my opinion when she was too young to really handle it)
Eventually mom adopted 3 of the abused children.
fast forward to 15 year old. My wife got pregnant. She tried to hide it. (of course that didn't work) She lied and said she was raped so her parents could take her several states away for an abortion. She realized she couldn't do it and confessed the truth. Her friends/church/ and community turned against her. My wife only told her mother the rape story.. but her mother told everyone she ran into to...so she was labeled a slut and a lyer and no one would talk to her.
her mother took control of the child and parenting..
fast forward to 18. wife left area to go to college. mom took care of child.
Wife and I met in college. married during our senior year. one year later child moved in with us. (child calls me dad.. knows in back of his mind I'm not the real father.. but considers me his dad.)
All this time.. mom always tells my wife how much of a dissapointment she is. mothe knows we are having problems and wife told mother she doesn't think she loves me anymore and told her she doesn't think I'm attracted to her.
Mother says she fears I might do something bad, and called me a child molester! I still don't understand why she would say that. wife says its because mother thinks if I'm not attracted to her then I must be wanted something else. I felt so sick to my stomach after that. I still feel sick to my stomach about it.
Quick some up.. even when things are going well. mother treats wife like crap.

fighting where are you in plan a..

how long...
and when is your date for plan b...

also where is the ten year old while you are at work...and she's out painting...

is she exposing this child to him?

what are your options when you see her...
why did she tell you she was with the OM...

are you two living together....

so when you see her...

you can rant and rave...understandable...
you can be silent and chilly....

but you may want to consider being really happy to see her home...
and then smile and kiss her on the cheek...and head out the door with NO explanation as to where you are going....

ARK

not long in plan a..
actively tried it for about 2 weeks

plan b no date set.. i'm scared to take that step!!

when I'm at work W is at home. When she leaves for the weekend she drops the kid of at Grandma's farm.

He knows who he is. We use to hang out together. gone on trips together, child included.
I told her he's not allowed to see him or give him presents.

i'm not clear what you mean by options when I ser her.

I asked her when she called me saturday who was all there. She mentioned his name along with other people who are there.

we are living together.. she kicked me out for a while.. I moved back in before telling her I was.
I do act happy to see her, and I AM happy to see her.

So when she comes hope I should say Hi and leave?

I guess I am trying to figure out where and what your boundaries are...

there is expected contact after d-day...usually...
but I guess I can't see where you and she are in relationship to no contact...

most that coninue contact after d day do so somewhat secretly....

why would she go painting if he was there....
why wouldn't she bail out of the painting party...

and what are going to say or 'do' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> about it...

what is she expecting when you and her see each other today...
is she expecting anger
withdrawal

what are you feeling about it...

what does she say when you speak your pain of continued contact...
and does she agree to
plan on
or desire no contact

ark

She hasn't had contact with him outside of work for at least 10 days. They still work together and i have no idea how that works. (no pun intended).
I don't know why she told me.. and I don't know what she expects from me when she returns. Maybe she's going to see if I don't ask questions. Maybe she hopes I get irate and leave.
She's not willing to remove herself from him. She has a way of not being completely straight forward. I've told her many times it hurts me when she sees him... It's weird she's more willing to spend time with me now.. but then she just told me friday at lunch that she was leaving for the weekend! I didn't want to start an argument because we were having a good time together. Maybe I should of told her then.
I think she KNEW he was going to be at the painting party. Everyone from the office was helping.
Should the first thing I say to her is, "did you sleep with him?" and what if the answer is yes?
do I leave? isn't that what she thinks she wants?