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WH is making statement like "I'm a piece of $hit", or "I'm just scum".
What is your take on reverse babble for statements like these?
I usually don't say anything, but always feel like I could say a lot!
K
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K72172===Thats how I felt too, just like your husband. I felt like scum, the worst in the world.
My husband and I had been married as long as you both have, so we have some similarities.
The only thing you can do, is tell him over and over again, that he is a good man that made a mistake. Thats about all you can do.
I had to deal with my guilt on my own.no matter what my husband said, I did not believed him.
Just tell him you love him, withouth smothering him too much.
Good luck!!
Myrta
<small>[ December 12, 2004, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: Myrta ]</small>
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Myrta k72172 is the "wife". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and her husband (WH) is still "making" the "mistake" as is seems. He can't "let go" and it seems that there still is contact with OW. So it's actually difficult in this situation to tell him "He's a good man" when you could actually give him "A swift kick in the behind!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> opppppppppppps <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> hugs bb
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH is making statement like "I'm a piece of $hit", or "I'm just scum".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, I'm not Orchid and I'm not good at reverse babble, but if it were me, I'd respond with, "Well, at least we agree on something."
Ok, not MB PC, I know.
((((k))))))
Stay strong. Orchid can help tremendously! the wisdom & knowledge of some of the people here blow me away!
Frags
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172: <strong> WH is making statement like "I'm a piece of $hit", or "I'm just scum". What is your take on reverse babble for statements like these? I usually don't say anything, but always feel like I could say a lot! K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi K, Please help me understand, is he saying this to you about himself or about you? re: makes a difference on how I choose to respond. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> L.
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Fraggles! I can't help it but I'm still giggling! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> k, please don't don't get me wrong but without "humor" I think we just wouldn't "make it" at times. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> hugs bb
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BLONDBLOSSOM- LOL, thanks for telling me that she is the wife, not a husband. I edited the post, thanks!!!
K72172----
If he still having contact, thats a bad thing indeed. So, let him feel like scum, because he is behaving wrong and he knows it. Until he breaks all contact, he will continue feeling that way.
Good luck with your husband!!!
Myrta
<small>[ December 12, 2004, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: Myrta ]</small>
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Hi all.... Fraggles, that WAS funny! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Orchid, WH says these things to me (and others) about himself. I know he is depressed. I do not think there has been any contact for a couple of weeks at least. We talk to SH on Tuesday morning. WH has already done his assignment (with no "steering" from me). He did say, however, that this makes him feel like a kid in school. Looking forward to further "babbling" from you all. K
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k, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know he is depressed. I do not think there has been any contact for a couple of weeks at least. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but you did write that OW number was on his cellphone and that your husband "didn't" tell you about that, right???? So this tells me that he has not "opened up to you" right? I didn't want to say that he is still "continuing" his affair with OW but I am saying that he is "still not" doing things to make you "feel safe". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Therefore he has not "gotten it" yet and he is still in the "fog". He will feel like a "school kid" as long as he is in this "state". It's fantasic that SH is "helping out" and he "knows" for sure what he is doing. I'm more than sure that your husband will be "waking up" in "little drips"............. I wish that there was a SH here where I live but sadely there is nothing even close to it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> The councelors don't have the slightest clue about this. A girlfriend of mine even got into an affair with her councelor!!!! He too was having problems in his marriage and one thing led to another. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> But what I am trying to say is see things as positive as possible, no matter what!!!!! hugs bb
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid: <strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172: <strong> WH is making statement like "I'm a piece of $hit", or "I'm just scum". What is your take on reverse babble for statements like these? I usually don't say anything, but always feel like I could say a lot! K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi K, Please help me understand, is he saying this to you about himself or about you? re: makes a difference on how I choose to respond. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> L. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172: <strong> ...Orchid, WH says these things to me (and others) about himself. I know he is depressed. I do not think there has been any contact for a couple of weeks at least. We talk to SH on Tuesday morning. WH has already done his assignment (with no "steering" from me). He did say, however, that this makes him feel like a kid in school. Looking forward to further "babbling" from you all. K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So he is speaking to you about himself being a 'piece of $hit", or just scum'. Ok, well when my WS did the same, I agreed with him. Then I asked him if that is what he wanted to be known as. He said no. I realized at that point we had a dialogue going and kept it up by asking more questions. Not evasive but questions to make him think. I didn't tell him anything. I didn't preach or teach.....just asked. When he got tired, I stopped but when he got defensive, I said, 'well I'm asking because you are sooo confusing, I just don't know'. A type of reverse babble. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Tell him no he isn't a piece of scum, gum or whatever, just makes them feel more stupid. So better to agree and give them options to move forward or leave them there. Either way, it is their choice not yours. That also eleviate some of the blame game. JMHO, L.
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Affairs sure "bring up the best feelings" don't they? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
k,
please stay on track because I really think that he will "wake up" within time.
I think Orchid is right not to tell him that it is not true.
Questions might get him "thinking".
How about asking him:
WS, did I make you feel this way within the past 30+ years? (the years before his affair?)
or: When did you start to "feel this way?"
or how about: Gosh, honey, I never wanted to make you feel that way............hmmmmmmmmm
and then take him into your arms and "comfort him!".
My husband told me a few times that he felt like a mistake. I told him that I didn't want to make him feel like that.
He told me: Hey but it's not "you" it's "me!"
I comforted him anyways and it did have some kind of affect. Sorta like a child that has done something terrible and then runs to mommy (safety-zone)just to feel "comforted & loved".
This might have something to do with "The inner child" that is seeking "comfort".
Did that make sence??????
Orchid!!!!!! Please CORRECT me if I'm off-track!!!!
hugs
bb
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Good morning..... bb....I was mistaken about the # on WH's work cell. The last 4 numbers were the same as OW's work phone, but the prefix was different. Both ways sound good for different times. And actually, I have said both kinds of things to WH. For different situations. And, as I have told WH before, I don't think he is a piece of crap, I think he's a good person who got himself into a bad situation. One thing's for sure.....he's the one who has to get himself out of that mindset. He's acting like a turd. My FAVORITE bumper sticker: "If you are going to act like a TURD, then go lay out in the yard." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> K
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How I would approach this is by lecturing a bit...you'll know if the time is right or not.
In a way he wants you to disagree with him, to reassure him. How do you do this without letting him off the hook.
"H, you are a WONDERFUL, caring, generous person. But the ACTIONS and CHOICES you have made in the past were sh&*ty and cr#$py. You are made up of the choices you make, and people judge you by the way you act, by your behavior. How do you want to be know? And how will you change your actions to come across that way?"
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k, "If you are going to act like a TURD, then go lay out in the yard." Boy do I like that one and I really enjoy your humor k!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I just have to figure out how to get this translated, just in case I need to tell this to my hubby anytime!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Btw: sorry that I misunderstood the thingy with the cellphone. hugs bb
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bb..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
K
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> bb....I was mistaken about the # on WH's work cell. The last 4 numbers were the same as OW's work phone, but the prefix was different. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">*~*~POP*~*~* ~Bubble Bursting Sound~ Hey K, Did you know that is usually how it works when there are "links" to one person? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> The last 4 digits remain the same...and the prefix is changed to "link" a pager...or a work cell phone. Sorry...the odds of it NOT being her...with the EXACT last 4 numbers is astronomical! (I might need to ask 2long if that word applies <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). JMHO committed <small>[ December 13, 2004, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>
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commited, what exactly does that mean????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> How does that work??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I think that cellphones seem to work differently here.................hmmmmmmmm k, I didn't quit understand that about the numbers that were dialed. Did you mean the last 4 numbers of a dialed number like the example below??? 0174 8574 8847 (fantasy number) bb
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bb....
Yes, the number dialed was 791-9999(fake #).
OW's office # is 902-9999 (fake#).
But, I will call it to see who it is.
WH called this am to let me know that if he called the same # twice in a row, that it would only show up once on the call log. It would NOT be an erased call.
He said he saw that I had zeroed out his call timer to keep track of his calls. He said he was really angry at first when he saw that, but that he had calmed down.
Funny thing is, he discovered before (about a month ago) that I was erasing his call timer, so he started doing it every day before he got home. He said he was trying to keep track of his calls on his work cell so he wouldn't get in trouble. He quit doing it after about 4 days. (He WAS calling OW then)
He thought he would call me to let me know about the twice called numbers showing up only once on his log.
I told him that yes, I had already figured that out.
This is good, isn't it? I mean him calling me to let me know about this...
K
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Hi Committed... FYI....I did call that #, and it was the person who WH said it belonged to. Glad of that!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> K
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K, Getting some honesty is good but IMHO, don't give the full reward but some kudos are ok. The whole enchilada comes when he gives you and your family the right treatment ALL the time (within reason but not the WS or xws way). As for comfirming his stupid acts. You should acknowledge them. Downplaying them only waters down the need to correct himself. If you accept less than you should, that is what you will get. Remember the WS/xws can't judge properly. If ask for change for a $20 and accept only $15, then that's all he will give you. If he dishes out the $ in demoninations of 5's and you have to ask for each bill, then you know he is acting stupid and needs to be told so. In a loving yet firm way of course and agreeing with his statements is loving and firm as long as it is not too sarcastic. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> R U seeing that fine line yet? It's there. Your H is making progress but still has a ways to go. Your measuring stick w/b how safe you feel and don't force yourself to feel safe before the right time. Don't settle for 1/2 an H (because you don't know what the other 1/2 w/b). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> L.
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