for two weeks now i ve be reading about the affair my wive is having from her e mails. how do i break the news that i know the lies? i am scared.

Hi TG,

Welcome to MB. It is a sad but very helpful place to be. You s/b scared. Why? Because someone has just attacked your marriage and it's an inside job.

Now catching (which you've already done), confronting, prosecuting, rendering verdict, judgement and finally penalty.....is a hard thing t/d.

You can't be lawyer, victim, judge and jury but this is what you w/b at times.

Ok, let's advance you from scared to informed. Before you do anything to break the current info flow you have, please do this:

1. Read the concept section above.
2. Go out to the store and get the book His Needs/Her Needs By Dr W. Harley. There is another book to get but wait since the word affair is on the cover.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> His needs/Her needs will talk about how to deal with an A but also how to communicate with your W. If she asks why you got that book, just say you heard about it how to improve communication for yourself and let it be. She can scan through it if she wants. It may arouse some suspicion but you have to take some chances. READ that book.

3. Call Jennifer @ MB (ph# listed in the counsel section) and make an appointment for some phone couseling. This way you can do it from a place of your choice (providing you have a phone available). It w/b well worth it if you read the book I mentioned 1st and took the emotional needs questionnaire as outlined in the concepts section.

4. Come back here and post/vent as needed.

5. You are in great turmoil right now and probably very confused. If so, pray for a clear mind, a calm heart and lots of patience. Each of those items w/b tested. Your W will go from being your best friend to a WS who c/b your worst enemy.

6. We can talk about securing your finances to protect your familys assets next time.

I think I have given you a lot to think about that will help you make it through until tomorrow. ok?

take care,
L.

thank you! realy, thats the best things i heard from the few i ve talked to. i just want handle this right.

TG,

Just handle it the best you can. There is great support here and other tools available to you.

In addtion to that list, once you do your reading it w/b wise to start defining your immediate support group. It c/b as simple as a pet, child, relative, neighbor, co-worker, boss, pastor, friend, etc.... they don't have to know all, just respect you and your decisions and support you with what info (keep it honest) that you can. Hear them out, let them help or hug you as needed. Still be cautious about opposite sex support contacts since you c/b vulernable.

Do your best. Can't ask for more than that right now and as bad as it looks, you are still in a better position than the WS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

Keep in mind that there is not perfect way to handle this problem. You can do everything right and your marriage can still fail. I know, because I worked like a dog to save my marriage, but my ww had one goal and that was to be with the OM.

However, though the marriage was not saved, many important things were saved. First, my dignity and my honesty. I know I did all I could without allowing her to continue to disrespect me by seeing the OM. Also, very important, my children know that I did all I could. They know it was WW's idea to have an affair, to leave and to get a divorce. They know she would not do anything to try and save the marriage. In there eyes, I am the good guy. That's worth a lot.

thanks for prayers. i feel very heavy tho. i want to tell her i know about the lie's (lies in wrighting now). Why i havent let her know is very important to me watching two 1/2 weeks of gut wrenching e mailsm and watching her lie to me stright to my face, pretenting she is bieing honest by sayiny "there is this guy im kinda atractted to" (with conviction llke I'AM so honest and you nevry would be) she is right i couldnt. to give you a cleaer idea. I love her and belive god brought us together. we'll both be 30 next month, mairred 3 1/2 years. We both come from a very ruff past befor we met eachother and I knew what i was going in to, bagage and all both of us. miss trust of men is a big thing for her. For all the mairrage I ve delt with being the one who accused an A. never! do yo see were i am going. she's in the perfect shoes for getting evan. the emails are now getting to very hot they are so close to sex and sugesting how to leave eachothers spouse and get an appartmant. GERRRE gatago

Hello,

I think you are making a huge mistake by waiting.
She is getting emotionally and possibly physically closer to this man in a sexual nature and you are standing by taking notes? Good grief.
Show her the letters now and move into counseling at once or are you going to wait until she has sex with this guy to confront her? The longer you wait the worse it will be.

see its been a vrey painfull 3 1/2 years wanting so bad to be belived. belived that I realy do love her, that every new coworker as she says I am fuc*ing. or geting ready in the morning is so i can pick up other woman. this issiue has not alwas bren just verbel. I put myself in harms way still trying to win her. i want this all to end i want her and all her heart. so I think like IF I WAS HER how would i want her to accecpt my confession. i trying to prove a point with her my point is all these years in her eyes i ve been comiting A, and lieing about it. it is my love for her in the end that i am trying to get accross. leting herself dig the hole and still loving her any way is my only ace card. other wise my love will not be as efective. and her to belive my love is what i want. besides who's to say that exposing this wony push her deeper. i kinda thik she's all ready made up her mind. in her eyes we have lost the love. my love will hurt eather way.

why would i want he to stop because of exposer ? I'll never know if its for love. this to me will define her love.

i was hopein for more help, to late. i let her know last night. first thing is she ran to him from 1 am till 3 am. tonight when she comes home from work will be hard. any advice?