Hi MB'ers,
Happy holidays to all fellow MB'ers. Just an update...xWH and I returned from our overseas trip. MB suggests couples take a vacation when starting recovery. Although I knew this, I was still reluctant because I was unsure if we would get along. These trips also trigger me because WH told me that OW and he use to talk about traveling together. Ugh.
But it worked out...we had a great time. Saw lots of sights and had fun which was great fill his recreation EN. Also xWH made all the arrangements and I complimented him alot which fills his admiration EN.
Now we have returned home and I’m a little scared. He is still retired without anything full time to occupy his time. It has been about four weeks of NC, but I am afraid he will fall back into C. He does not show too many signs of withdrawal. We are recovering ,but don’t have a plan. Although the conditions of returning after Plan B was phone coaching and completing the lessons from MB seminar, xWH criticizes MB concepts. He thinks we can do it ourselves. I told him “that was last year's plan and it did not work.†I let WH know--if he does not like MB, I am open to any alternatives he might like to suggest. He said he didn't know where to research; I gave some suggestions on where to research and he said "we might as well stay with MB." Called his bluff and it was not real.
I think xWH reluctance to any recovery plan stems from his fear of facing himself and the pain he caused. I think introspection scares the h@ll out of WH--he might have to admit he is not a victim and is an adult responsible for his own action.
I shared with him, I felt as if we are in a holding pattern. We know we need and want a different M. He criticizes MB, but doesn't have an alternative. We know we are doing certain things wrong in our M, but don’t have info on how to do it right and don’t have room for trial and error mistakes. I am struggling with setting boundaries and not LBing by demanding the counseling. The last thing I want is to have a WH that is begrudging. When pressured, he admits he really knows what we need to do, but stops short of doing it on his own eg making a MC appt. or doing the MB assignments. I will try to set up appt. with SH for the next few weeks to establish that as a "habit" and pray for WH rebellion. I am prepared to go to Plan B again if necessary because I do not want to set myself up for this to happen again. Unless we get at the real source of our difficulities, I can see it happening again.
Any suggestions on how to gently get out of the recovery Catch 22? I can see him trying. We changed cell/home phone number, email address. He really tries to open his life to me--cell phone and credit card bills. I asked him tonight what happens if OW sends him a card. He said he would throw it away. I asked him, “would you tell me?†He said yes. He said "I think you would want to know,†and I said “yes, thank you...I would want to know.†We are able to talk and have minor differences now without them blowing up into power struggles. All in all things are better, just want to make sure we stay on track.
Thanks for your thoughts and happy holidays. This is a tough time of the year, but I hope the board helps ease our experience by being a place to share. I know I give thanks for having all of you on the board. God bless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
<small>[ December 13, 2004, 03:03 AM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>
