FAITHFULLY HOPING===I think what you say its very true about ways of communication. Yeah, it took me some time to tell my husband everything but I eventually did. I was scared that he will hate me even more by knowing everything.
Yes, I would had eventually told him about the letter that I got from OM. See, each day I feel more trusting to opening myself more and more to my husband. At the beginning I did not trust him at all!!
How long was your affair? How did you two meet? When did you ended it ? What made you decide to end the affair? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

MYRTA

Stan-ley,
It's very difficult, from the WW perspective, to decide where, when and how to deliver information.

I am not concerned about details of the affair anymore. The affair lasted such a long time that after a while it becomes a moot point to try to outline what went on. The SF was way better than with me and the emotional connection was complete. To this day I am not sure why Myrta elected to stay with me----- I have always been puzzled by her decision to give up the OM. No---------- I am not looking for a complement Myrta.

However, one would think that there should be some radical honesty post D-day. If my wife is going to completely forget the OM and re-do a relationship with me there must be strict NC for life. This is the only area where I require to be informed. Details about the affair are moot because it was very intense. Sort of------- how much brighter can the sun be?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stan-ley:
To this day I am not sure why Myrta elected to stay with me----- I have always been puzzled by her decision to give up the OM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because she loves you and her life is with you .... surrender Stanley.

Pep

Myrta,
I was just going to respond to FH's last post on that thread, so I'll do it here too... (good idea! Hey, maybe we should make this a FWW's thread!)

Faithfully,

You said:It's very difficult, from the WW perspective, to decide where, when and how to deliver information. When I confessed to my A, I intended to just purge absolutely everything to him and be free of all my guilt. It didn't actually work out that way because after a certain point he had reached his saturation level and didn't want to hear any more. I was desperate for three days to tell more and more and more, but he did not want to listen. I could not understand, at the time, why he was reacting the way he did. I felt that the best and only way to deal with things was to purge. I felt by NOT telling him some things, I was still lying to him.

Looking back at that time, I wasn't sensitive to his feelings. I felt I knew exactly how it should all be dealt with. I had read (a little bit) at this site, and I took the "brutal honesty" concept to heart.

For the personalities involved, it wasn't the best thing at the time. Eventually, he was able to handle listening to everything that I had to say. But it wasn't to my immediate satisfaction.

But those are the two personalities that were involved in my scenario. Your scenario is reversed in many ways. You want it all laid out. Myrta is playing her own cards the way she feels they should best be played. (Not that this is a game -------- please don't take that the wrong way.) The point is it's different personalities and different ways to communicate.

The question is ............ is anybody wrong in the way they communicate?

I'd like to ask Myrta if she would have told you about that letter in the mail eventually. Or really if ANY of the things that you feel she has been slow to reveal would eventually be revealed?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My situation was very much like yours! My H could only handle a little news at a time on D Day. I didn't even realize that it was too much for him and I wondered why he wouldn't want to ask more (as Stanley has done). In time he asked more and I told him, as you did with your H.

You don't seem to dwell on your difficulties overcoming this huge hurdle with your H. Everything sounds as though you did it just right. Am I correct? You mentioned that you were originally a different screen name here? Maybe if we could pull up your posts, it would benefit both Myrta and myself to see the stages you went through last year. She and I are about 1/2 a year behind you.

Am I correct in guessing that your M is totally back on track? You've had no contact with the FOM in all that time? Your story just sounds inspirational to me (and probably to Myrta). Thanks for sharing!

Stanley:
Myrta is telling you everything, at her own pace. She's one of the most forthright WS that I've met. She seems to be a great person, and you are too! Have faith.....

CC

Thank you for starting this thread, Myrta. I did respond to one of arjdad's questions on that thread as well, though.

I'm curious by what you meant when you said you did not trust your H at all in the beginning. Did you mean you were afraid he'd leave you?

The more different stories I read here at MB the more I realize that although some things are typical, others really have more to do with intertwining personalities in the marriage.

My A ended over a year ago. We had worked together for years and when the A ended, I transferred to another department. So technically we still work for the same company, but I don't see him every day like I used to.

I decided to end the A because I figured all along that I would be found out eventually. With every "close call," I guess I got closer and closer to ending it. When he started saying similar things, I knew it was time to leave. Please don't get me wrong. It wasn't easy for me. I was stuck in the tracks of lies and betrayals. The sheer habit of hiding everything from my H was hard to break. Even little things like finding his car in the parking garage and parking as close to him as possible .... those were things that I never thought I'd miss, and I did.

I guess what I am saying is I wanted to end the affair before it ended for me. I didn't want that control in someone else's hands. (But this I didn't learn until I was in MC.)

Stan-ley, I have been saying to you for months that Myrta's actions to stay with you and actively work on your marriage are the indicators that you need to look at. She CHOSE you and she CHOSE to come back and she is CHOOSING to stay. Do you think it was difficult for her to have the A? Probably not. Do you think it's difficult for her right now, working on rebuilding your marriage? Take some pride (BOTH of you) in the fact that she is choosing the path of hard work -- because she sees her prize at the end. That's YOU!

CC, it's true, I don't dwell on the negativities any more. That's not to say that I never did. This journey hasn't been easy for me, and if I ever gave you that impression, then I am sorry. But again, I'm further ahead in this than you are. Also, as I said in the beginning of this post, one thing I've learned by reading people's stories here is that basic personality (of BOTH partners) plays a large role in how recovery happens. For example, if I (a detail-giver) were married to Stanley (a detail-needer), how bogged down would we be by now?

But no, it hasn't all been picture-perfect. Yes, I posted under another user name, but as I posted recently, I stopped posting when I thought that I recognized my FOM posting here as well. I stayed away from the message board for a while, and when I came back, I couldn't access that user name anymore. I never posted many details about my own situation anyway, so you wouldn't learn much by reading it. Mostly I was asking others questions.

No, I have had no contact with the FOM since NC day. I did walk past him in a shopping mall one time and I could have stopped him, but I didn't. He could have stopped me, too. But he didn't. I took that as a sign that he, too, has moved on.

Thank you for saying my story is "inspirational." I'm glad to see you looking at things in a more positive light these days. One of the main reasons I started posting to you and to Myrta is to let you know that there IS light at the end of the tunnel, but only if you want to work to get there. I certainly do not pretend to have a perfect life now -------some days are downright depressing (today being one of them, unfortunately). You haven't been open to many of my suggestions before, which is understandable. There are plenty of FWW's here that are even further ahead than I am, and hopefully they will help you stay positive, too.

Again, if I somehow gave the impression that I have a picture-perfect marriage now, then I was wrong in leaving that impression. But what I do have is 100% honesty, which is far from what I used to. If I sound like I did everything "just right," it's only because H and I immersed ourselves in MC and IC almost immediately following D-Day. I don't look back fondly on that first week. I was weak and tired and I felt like I was being indoctrinated or "love-bombed." I knew that I couldn't trust my own judgment, and I put myself into the hands of my MC and IC. And it worked very well for me. Looking back, it could have been disastrous, but at the time it was the lesser of all evils for me.

Must run ......... I've gone on too long as it is. I have hours of packing to do yet today. I'll try to check back later if I can.

Again, Myrta, thanks for un-hijacking for me.

Faithfully,
Thanks for sharing that info. Now I vaguely remember your mentioning some of those details in other posts. Sorry your FOW might be hanging around here... and that you had to change your name.

Sounds like you did come a far way in a year. That IS inspirational. This is a slow process and a very painful one. I thank you for your attempts at helping me and other WW's here.

I agree that immediate MC and IC are essential in helping the process. In my case, I believe I had even more to examine, and I'm not nearly done yet, but H and I are getting along (we always did) and we're both committed to saving the M, so I'm blessed. I'm just still very weak and hard on myself most of the time, but I guess that's b/c I'm coming out of the fog.

Anyway, thanks for sharing and saying what you did. I assumed that you had everything under control, right D Day, so it's helpful to know you've overcome a lot. Take care.

CC

DOUBLE POST! SORRY! THIS BOARD'S WONKY TODAY!

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: Buttercup:CC ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I decided to end the A because I figured all along that I would be found out eventually. With every "close call," I guess I got closer and closer to ending it. When he started saying similar things, I knew it was time to leave. Please don't get me wrong. It wasn't easy for me. I was stuck in the tracks of lies and betrayals. The sheer habit of hiding everything from my H was hard to break.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FH:

My wife never had a close call or anything remotely close to a close call. She basically had the perfect affair and it could have lasted another 10-15 years. It was perfect because it was long distance and the PA component was not constant. This kept everything fresh.

She simply gave herself away when I walked by the computer in the kitchen and she nervously closed the window and signed off from her email in a very awkward manner. I asked what are you doing and she came up with a litany of lame excuses. She spent about five minutes giving me phony explanations. If she had ignored me as I walked by I would have never known about the affair.

I know quite well the affair is ended by one of the participants when the pain from having the affair is greater than the pain of not having the affair. This was not the case with Myrta.

My wife WAS VERY upset because like you she wanted to end the affair on her own terms. She envisioned that at some point she would grow tired of OM and then she would leave him and I would have never known about it.

The thing that I discovered with long distance affairs is that they can probably last for many years because the distance and the infrequent meetings constantly rejuvenate the relationship and every time they meet SF is new and exciting. When my wife was in withdrawal I was so frustrated that I advised her to go and live with OM for a month or so. I was sure that with daily contact and after having to spend every night with OM she would grow tired of the relationship. As it was ----- 3-4 days together then several weeks apart it could have lasted forever.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stan-ley, I have been saying to you for months that Myrta's actions to stay with you and actively work on your marriage are the indicators that you need to look at. She CHOSE you and she CHOSE to come back and she is CHOOSING to stay. Do you think it was difficult for her to have the A? Probably not. Do you think it's difficult for her right now, working on rebuilding your marriage? Take some pride (BOTH of you) in the fact that she is choosing the path of hard work -- because she sees her prize at the end. That's YOU! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I actually begged Myrta to leave me on D-day. I just could not believe she wanted to stay with me after reading all the emails. There was no way I could put her devotion for OM and her decision to stay with me together-------- it did not make any sense at all! The most bizarre thing I have ever seen.

I am also a conflict avoider and if she had left me for OM I would have made all decisions with ease. I guess I didn’t want to face the decision of being a single man again.


CC:

I am glad you are IMing my wife. She enjoys chatting with you. Thanks!

Only have a moment here, but just wanted to add another comment, CC. I was already in IC during the course of the affair, exploring some childhood issues. I had successfully stayed away from the topic of my marriage during those months of the A, until the last few sessions, where I confessed to my IC first. (And in the typical fog, I begged her to allow me to let the confession stay between us.) So I had a bit of a jump start there as well.


Stanley, do you understand now that the so-called devotion that you saw from Myrta towards the OM was not based in reality? She had to maintain that illusion to protect her own sanity, I am sure.

Hey Stanley!
Aww, I enjoy IMing with Myrta too! She's a doll. You are too. I'm so glad that things are working out well for you two. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You guys are my inspiration too. Maybe one of these days I'll get my H to actually post on here!

Stanley, what you said about Myrta trying to live with the OM struck home with me! My OW lived a country away, so seeing her every time was fresh. Yeah, if we had to live together, that probably would have cut short the A, since she and I had major differences of opinion about most things! I'm just now seeing things for what they were and not what I assumed they were. That part is hard...

Thanks for being so candid and open. It helps everyone here!

CC

Faithfully,
First of all, is anyone else having problems with the board today? I'm seeing double posts and getting logged off frequently. Weird!

I forgot to add that I'm sorry you're having a "down" day. Hope it brightens up for you.

You mentioned packing and I guess I missed you mentioning you were going somewhere, unless I'm totally oblivious again!

Stanley,
About Myrta's "devotion" to her FOW, I agree with FH. The "devotion" was to keep it going, secrets and all. Had she truly been "devoted" to the OM, she'd have chosen to be with him instead of with you, right??

CC

FAITHFULLYHOPING--Yes, I was very afraid that if I had told him everything from the beginning, he would had been so disgusted with me and would had left me. I did not trust his words of undying love for me. I thought he was literary "pulling my leg", so I would fall for it and confess and then he would leave!!!
Now I am completely out of that craziness,fogginess, and I believe him 100% when he says that he loves me. It shows in his words, his actions, I see it in his eyes. Before he was too upset and depressed and I did not see love, just pain.
I tried ending the A many times, he did too. But it was easier say than done. He would call me or I would call him and the rest is history!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

FAITHFULLY--Looking back at when I was having the affair, its kind of creepy in a way. Because the only thing you care about is the affair. The sneaking, the phone calls,the e-mails. I had always being so devoted to my husband and children, and they were not my priority anymore. I did not enjoy doing things with my daughters, like I usually do.
The affair engulfs your whole mind, body, energy. Its very weird. It is definetly a true addiction. And I thought I had a very strong mind that would not let anything change it, but it did.

Lately I am enjoying my family so much again. I catch myself singing, dancing. I am going back to my old self, thank God!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You were so smart and strong to have ended the affair, before it did any more harm to you and your husband. Your husband must be so proud of you. Do you have any kids? Do they know about the Affair?

Thanks

MYRTA

DOUBLE POST!@!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Myrta ]</small>

Myrta, I don't consider myself strong OR smart. The REAL impetus for ending the affair came through IC. As I said, I confessed it to her, and she was the one that walked me through the confession. Once I did that, I turned myself over to my H and our MC to make my decisions for me during the first foggiest weeks.

Yes, we have four kids. They're all school-age, and no they know nothing of the A. All of my encounters with the FOM took place in and around work-hours and work-related things, so all they ever knew was that I was at work.

Four kids, but we decided to try for #5. We're leaving tomorrow night for a pre-Christmas week in Belize and hoping this will be the week. (Hence, the packing I made reference to.)

FH- I see, so you started going to IC before the end of the affair. Thats really good, gosh. And she was great helping you ended and confessing too.
How old are your kids? We have five children ourselves. I lost the 6th one like two years after my last one. She would be like 10 now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

That so sweet that you are trying for the fifth one in Belize. So romantic!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I hope you have success in your quest for baby!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care

MYRTA

Myrta,
Your post could have been written by me. Amazing!! I'm sitting here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> at that!!! Thanks for sharing!!

Faithfully,
Have a nice trip. Good luck with the baby-making process! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Happy holidays (if you don't get to come back online).

CC

Myrta, sorry about the baby loss. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I've been blessed with easy pregnancies and healthy babies. Our kids are 13 (going on 35 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), 11, 8, and 6. I had to make DH promise not to ask to name the new one "Belize" if it happens ........ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And about IC, yes, I was lucky to already have an on-going relationship with a therapist when I ended the A, although the focus of my work with her had nothing to do with the A at the time.

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: FaithfullyHoping ]</small>

FAITHFULLY HOPING- All my pregnancies had been perfect too. It was really surprising and sad when I lost that baby. But I think everything happens for a reason. Maybe there was something wrong with the baby,and that why I had a sponteaneous miscarriage. God knows why he does things!! I am over it now, thank God, but it was hard.
I think Belize would be a beautiful name for the baby. Think about <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Good luck FH and thank you for all your help and input here.

MYRTA

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Stanley, what you said about Myrta trying to live with the OM struck home with me! My OW lived a country away, so seeing her every time was fresh. Yeah, if we had to live together, that probably would have cut short the A, since she and I had major differences of opinion about most things! I'm just now seeing things for what they were and not what I assumed they were. That part is hard…
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CC: I am very glad you are more upbeat! The other day you sounded VERY down. Myrta and I were truly concerned. BTW, Myrta says she is also very upbeat, therefore I am happy.

It is true----------- I was so devastated by my wife’s attraction to OM that I wanted her to take a long vacation away from home and to go live with OM. Retrospectively I am not sure if I was serious or not, but I thought about it many times. At the time I was 100% certain that Myrta would immediately get tired of the OM.

The overwhelming majority of their face to face meetings were to have SF in a dark hotel room or to have an occasional lunch in local restaurants. How in the world can anyone be so madly in love within those circumstances.

You may not know this but Myrta and the OM were not an evenly matched couple. Myrta is tall and slender----- looks like a model (not kidding, hopefully she will send you a photo). OM is short and very obese and with a rather ordinary face.

OM said that he was the Beast and my wife the Beauty---- a very good analogy---- I think.

So in my mind Myrta would grow tired of the OM’s non-Hollywood looks. However, I have now learned that some folks fall madly in love over the Internet and when they meet in person looks are absolutely non-important.

The thing is---------- I am one of those who COULD NEVER FALL IN LOVE over the Internet. For me I have to see the person face to face everyday and I have to truly enjoy the physical appearance (call me shallow, but I am a man).

Stanley,

I'm LOL at the Beauty and the Beast comment! BTW, I saw a pic of Myrta, and she IS a beauty!! You're one lucky guy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Lots of my friends and family members told me (in a joking way b/c they weren't positive that it was an affair!!) that the OW and I were a definite mis-match! I'm petite, normal weight, etc., and the OW was MUCH taller and very "large". I got very offended at such comments, because I did find her to be beautiful, but my good friend asked me point blank how I had sex with the OW if she really looked like that. Not too nice..... Guess I know a lot of shallow people!

Thanks for the uplifting comment. I am feeling much better, and Myrta's words help a lot, especially b/c she's been there. I actually thought that this Christmas will be so different. FOr the past 3 years I've been watching the clock, counting down the hours til I could be able to talk to my OW again. Now I'll take solice in actually living in the moment and not wishing my life away. It's sort of a relief! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

CC