We had a huge blow out this weekend and we have agreed that it's time to move on. That we should divorce. My problem is that I don't always feel that way. I truly want to be married and keep my family together. When I think of the future, he's in it.
But then as he says I do not have a marriage bone in my body. And I think that's true as well.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I've made so many mistakes and there are so many lies - I don't even know what is real anymore.

To come clean of it all would not only be hard but how would he think of me then? Well he can't think of me any less now but how does someone get over that? I've hurt him so much - and he adores me. He's always been there. I just don't know what is wrong with me.
I've become this monster that starves for attention - shops for herself constantly and is obsessed with my looks.
I've lost what is important.

We've said something's to each other that are just unforgivable. He's been tracking my email activity and posed as another women to talk to the men that I had in my life. He wanted to know more detail than I was giving him. And this is recently. The last that I talked to them was end of Sept. I was just talking - more like - how is your life going? I do think about you - but it was never love!
And I'm glad that they are out of my life - they didn't care about me. I know that now. I just don't know how to look at the things that I have done and fix them - by forgiving myself and knowing that I won't do it anymore.

When people ask if I'm married - instead of saying yes - I put my head down and say " yeah.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> "

Is it best to tell him EVERYTHING ??? He says that he could forgive me if he knew that I loved him the way that he loves me.
But I can't make this happen until I know that I'm not going to do it again.

I feel so lost - I feel so confused - and lonely. I don't have any close friends WHY CAN'T I ACCEPT THIS?

I know part of it is that I never really dated before I met my husband - I was 14 years old - we've been together 20 years.
Married 14 ! and I was heavy for most of them - never confident in myself.
How can I throw that all away? He says he always remembers the good memories! And that there are allot of them- I on the other hand , am the opposite and think there are more bad than good.

Now I'm embarrassed to go to him and say let's try again - I've said that so many times and my heart is never into it. He gets his hopes up and finds out that I'm flirting or talking with my past affairs. I don't blame him for not trusting me - but at the same time - he wants to smoother me - he wants me to be with him 24/7 - he calls me at work 3 - 5 times a day. He calls me with every thought he has and he says that's because he's always thinking of me. I dunno - maybe I'm just crazy. I'm selfish and greedy that's what he says and I'm starting to see it.

I should get to church - but I was never baptized until 19 and then I chose the catholic religion - which I have no clue about - I send my children to the catholic school and if I sit in church - I don't know anything that is going on - I feel so lost there too.

I'm the one with the affairs and problems. He's not perfect but has never cheated.

We started the Marriage Builders after a seminar in April but it didn't last long - my heart wasn't into it. How can I put my heart into it when my head says its the right thing to do ? Shouldn't it be the other way around??

Hi -

Sorry you are feeling so bad. But you have the world by the tail compared to many here.

There are lots of times in a marriage when you feel like you don't love your spouse. That is when committment holds you together.

I don't remember posting to you before, but it seems to me that you are looking outside yourself to validate yourself. That never works.

Phew! I got exhausted just reading that!!

Slow down and take a deep breath. Another...

It looks to me that the biggest thing keeping you from really trying with your husband is that you're afraid that he will not accept you for who you are and what you've done. It is possible that he may not.

But you will never know that unless you tell him the whole truth. He deserves nothing less. He is a big boy and can make his own decisions. He does not need you to be his mother, he needs you to be his WIFE. He has the right to know exactly who you are so that he can make a decision about the marriage in light of that.

What have you got to lose? Seriously? If you don't tell him you will never know if he loves you for the person that you really are and that's what people NEED. Whether you divorce him or rebuild your marriage, you will always wonder and will have regrets. But if you tell him and lay it out on the table..you're giving him the chance to give you what you need. He may leave you. He may not. But at least a reconciliation or a split will not in itself be built on a deception. I'd just like to share that the lies about an affair are almost worse than the affair itself. The sooner the truth comes out, the sooner you can both work in healing..both yourselves and hopefully your relationship.

You seem to be very confused right now and that's a horrible time to make any rash decision about your marriage. Please keep that in mind.

From what you've written here it seems like you're confused and you would likely regret leaving your husband.

Has he looked at this site or read any of the boards? It might help him set his own boundaries and might help him to understand why it's difficult for you to declare or feel your undying love for him right now. Many of us BS feel that we deserve only the very best from a WS in the aftermath of an affair. Unfortunately the WS doesn't always see it the same way and so if we want our marriages to work, there are certain things we have to accept (temporarily).

I wish you luck...you are not in a nice place within yourself right now.

DILH,
I am sorry you are in such pain. I totally agree with maddyk on this one. I am a BH and a victim of an A. I pray each day (almost hourly) that my WS will confess to me so we can start our recovery. Without the whole truth coming out, I don't see a chance to recovery. I am wavering between a Sep. and D right now (it has only been 3 months since this stuff started). He does deserve to know the truth, but you also owe it to yourself to relieve this guilt you may be feeling so you can start healing for your own sake as well. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my prayers. Please stay in touch on this board. Take care.....