Fighting,

I'm a former US Marine, I don't know about your military but for us the old Article 31: Conduct unbecoming a military... something, something I can't remember it all. Basically its a blanket rule, that anything that goes against Marine Corps, US values is punishable. Be it franternization, spouse abuse mental and physical, financially irresponsible. Basically anything you do could be turned around to be punished. Not sure if this helps as you WH already knows that you've got him by the ba!!s.

My two cents.

WOOOW!!! I dont know where you built up all your nerve but I wish I had some my H hasent had a PA (that I know of) but he has treated me and our 4 kids like doormats for 5 years I would love to be able to stick it to him one good time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but I always fell to sad or just sorry for him to ever do it I want to try some this SHOCK love <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> best of luck hope you & your DD finly get a little respcet and peace.

KMEJ I am selling my house becasue 2 years ago in a moment of utter stupidity, when I got a big severance package from my old job, H and I decided that since we wanted to retire on the Mainland near all of our family, that it would be a great idea to purchase here. YOu know that long term goal thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ANd, because of H previous EA with another military female, VIctoria was just too painful. It is a military town, and the support for military is great. Family HAH! only if you fall in line. Plus WH had made sure that only his "buddies" knew about OW and had never met me so of course they supported his decision to leave that horrible selfish uncaring boring bi+ch - me!

SO, for 2 years H was commuting and then when he went back to sea, same scenario, same time frame same results. Dork! So, when he came back for leave he spent it here. On the way back to the ferry, he said he needed us in Victoria because he missed us so badly. I said I would think aobut it for a few days because of moving DD, selling, etc. So 3 days later I said yes we are coming. In an email. He avoided answering for 4 or 5 days and then called to say he wanted a divorce? WTF THat is the short version.

mgm, I have a few emails <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> just for this purpose. Unfortunately, I have no information other than it is a she HA HA and she is in the military. I have my setting set tht members can email me through this board. If that doesn't work, let me know and I will scroung up one that I remember the password for.
BTW, WH called his boss back. Gee he has to see the captain of his ship. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Too bad about the consequences. Dork!

Lemonman: Darned right I know what I am doing. ANd I am VERY calm. THis was a plan before he showed up today as you will see by my other threads. I am not in reaction mode. Just war to save my marriage. ANd, if he gets kicked out of the military, oh well. I am quite willing to take the consequences of that. THough it is highly unlikely. WH LOVES his job. More than his family, right now. SO, a little shift of priorities migh well be in order. Financially I have a few things in the fire. ANd frankly, I can't even begin to try successful Plan A'ing while he avouds me. when we are 5 hours apart. So, if he stays in the same house all the better. I have insisted on counselling as we obvious have a failure to communicate. Even the same city is better.
Pep: Oh Yeah that was my reactionwhen I saw his face. Of course I didn't let him see that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Dewt: Laughing is good. I almost did. But that would break RB rule # 1 confuse them. Keep em guessing.

Orchid, RB is the best. I am constantly talking to myself and reading here to get some hints. THis has saved my sanity so many times. ANd Yes I am very aware that even if he follows through, it will be very very bad for a long time. I live here!

Jamie,: I am a very strong-willed, well stubborn woman who knows I am a good person. And when someone messes not only with my family but attacks my beliefs, I will react. Don't get me wrong, I was scared as heck this morning and was sick to my stomach. BUt, I practised what I was going to say to all the people that I spoke to and just did it. THis is far too important for me to take lying down for anyone. Hang in there.

Whew! Long-winded as usual.

BTW he is changed his mind 3 times since I initially posted this. THat was ony 2 hours ago. DORK! I don't react. I have talked about football, DD and my job, etc. Basically not responded.

THANK YOU RB {{{Orchid}}}

You know I am not sure what will happen with your marriage and cannot offer you any advice on rebuilding it, but I just have to tell you this:

I F-ing love your kick A$$ attitude and your ACTIONS backing up your words.

This is so refreshing for me to read here. It may not work and it is not MB text book (not that I care about that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), but I like it. I love the fact that you are putting action into your plan. I unfortunately suspect you are in for some serious MORE heart break with this WH of yours, but what the hell do I know, I never rebuilt my marriage. I like the fact that he (cowardly WH) is gonna have to earn this divorce from you. He seems like such a coward now. He may not have the B_aLL$ to do it, so I think if staying married is your goal for now, your plan will work. You rock FIghting alone-again.

LM

FAL,

wow! you rock!Its so refreshing to see one of us (BS) take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and fight tooth and nail for her marriage instead of crying her eyes out listening to sad songs and wallowing.(myself included in that bunch) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I will be reading your future posts and wishing you success. God help OW if you find her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM i swear before god i did not read your post before i wrote almost the exact same thing! How embarrassing, now i look like an unoriginal copycat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shelly_3:
<strong> FAL,

God help OW if you find her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The OW has NO ROLE in this case. The onus is on the WH. Shelly, I agree with your post, but who cares about the OW. I think too mucg focus is put on the OW/OM. They OWE nothing to the BS. Once you accept that premise than you can start to correct what is wrong. It is not possible to correct an OW/OM....THEY DON'T GIVE A $hit about the BS. I think that is why I am recovering b/c I have stopped blaming the OM for having any role in my marriage destructing. That all belongs on me and WS. What is the Op finds the "OW" and beats her up or whatever.....is that gonna make her WS come home? Am I off base not blaming OW.OM for having any roles in this?

No LM i dont think Ow has anything to do with her relationship with her WH. I only meant that she was in for some embarrassment by FAL exposing the affair to her superiors.

FAA {{HUGS}} OMG hahaha girl....I almost peed my pants I can imagine the look on his face and I know had I been there I wouldn't have been able to keep a straight face with out full out laughter....you are good *highfive*....well Karma is a bi+ch ain't it...haha
here is a little song I've been hearing and it's been running through my head along with gloria gaynors I will survive and destiny's child I'm a survivor...Hope it gives ya that extra umph...keep us posted *grin*

By the way this is the former missing him terribly...I felt the need for a change

Alicia Keys
Karma

Weren't you the one who said that you don't want me anymore
And how you need your space and give the keys back to your door
And how I cried and tried and tried to make you stay with me
And still you said your love was gone and that I had to leave
Now you're Talking bout a family
Now you're saying I complete your dreams
Oh
Now you're sayin I'm your everything
You're confusing me
What you saying to me, don't play wit me, don't play wit me
Cause....

[Chorus:]
What goes around comes around
What goes up must come down
Now who's cryin', desirin' to come back to me
What goes around comes around
What goes up must come down
Now who's cryin, desirin', to come back

I remember when I was sittin home alone
Waitin for you til 3 o'clock in the 'morn
And when you came home you'd always have some sorry excuse
Half explaining to me like I'm just some kind of a fool
I sacrificed the things I wanted just to do things for you
But when it's time to do for me
You never come thru
Now you wanna be up under me
Now you have so much to say to me
Now you wanna make time for me
Whatcha doin to me, you're confusin me
Don't play with me don't play with me cause

[Repeat Chorus 2x]

I remember when I was sittin home alone
Waitin for you till 3 o'clock in the 'morn
Night after night knowing something goin on
Wasn't long before I be gone
Lord knows it wasn't easy believe me
Never thought you'd be the one that would deceive me
And never do what you're supposed to do
No need to approach me fool, cuz I'm over you

[Repeat Chorus]

Gotta stop trying to come back to me

[Repeat Chorus]

It's called Karma baby and it goes around

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 11:13 PM: Message edited by: surviving in his wake ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shelly_3:
<strong> No LM i dont think Ow has anything to do with her relationship with her WH. I only meant that she was in for some embarrassment by FAL exposing the affair to her superiors. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry Shell....I totally misinterpreted what you were trying to say, my fault there. It still goes without saying. I think anytime a BS comes on here and posts "I wish the OM/OW would leave my wife/husband alone so we can try and start recovery"...I just frown.....NOW THAT IS TRUE "FOG".

LM

You know LM, i used to believe that in my case maybe OW was better than me in some way and that was why my H strayed. But once i started reading that OW is not the issue here hundreds of times and H telling me its not about her hundreds of times that i finally started to think hey, maybe its NOT about her. And like you said thats when I started to make progress when i started to work on our problems.

ahhahahaa

All I can say is, I love it!
"okay"
ahahahhaa

Couldn't figure out how to send message through MB... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Send me a "normal" email addy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Let me know if you find out anything else re: this situation and maybe I can do some "leg work" for ya!

As well, if they are hiding their relationship from everyone they have become a security risk to the Navy since they are now vulnerable to blackmail, extortion etc.. Mention that to his CO and see what happens! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ December 14, 2004, 01:21 AM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

MGM my email id is

I will delete this once you get it.

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

F-Again - Sweetie, I think you need to get back to Idiotville. I absolutely loved your Okay - that was classic. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Whoa. I leave for a while and see the posts. THANK YOU all.

Lemonman. Glad you approve <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have had my ups and downs. This site has kept me sane and off the edge on many a night.

BUt, I will not waver in my determination. I have read all of the sad stories. And I have read the marriages that come out with at the least a chance of recovery. And I see a very common factor.

For the marriages that succeed and become even better:

1. You MUST acknowledge that you are a factor in the breakdown of the marriage.
2. You must be willing to change your bad habits and reactions.
3. You must stand up for what you believe is right. NO compromise on that.
4. You must have a plan. ANd that plan must have contingenices and a whole lot of flexibility built in. Adapt, adapt adapt. Keep the "enemy" that alien, the WS off guard.
5. You MUST believe in your self worth.
6. You must be able to see and define what your goal is. Set your boundaries. What will you accept? What is a resounding NO WAY!?
7. You must be able to forgive your WS but even more importantly, you must forgive yourself. Heck, we are all human.
8. You must be willing to be go all the way. If that means playing the psycho bi+ch or playing the poor helpless victim to someone in authority you do it. Please note I said playing not being. For instance, when I deal with the military, they expect the poor little helpless wifey. And depending on the situation, that's me! But, if they try to snow me, guess what? My Pyscho B side is right there. No screaming no direct threats. I use words like determined, career killer, Administrative burden, conduct unbecoming, CO, XO, etc. All words that have a special meaning to the military.
9. YOu must know that htis will take years! not months.
10. You must accept that failure is an option.


If you answer these questons and STICK to this for a time frame that YOU can live with, at least there is a chance.

As far as the OW, Phooey on her. She is just an annoyance to me. And, I know that if I make it "uncomfortable" enough for her that the disadvantages of staying in this relationship far outweigh any thrills or pluses, she will be gone.

I know She was just there at the wrong time. It is totally on WHs head. His choice, his consequences. BUT, if she
doesn't back off. Oh well. Her choices her consequences. And she is in the military. I am working on getting her rank. MOre ammo. I would get into the car, as WH is sleeping, but it is alarmed and I can't figure it out. I could just see the ruckus when the alarm went off. YIKES!

FOr me I have been so frustrated by my inability to get any information.

THat has changed, I now have a license plate and a military sticker number. I don't know if WH is driving HER car. BUT, I just happened to go through WH's pockets and the car keys just happened to have her first name on it. Sharon. Now, a month or so ago when WH admitted that he dated, Sharon was one of the names he gave.

No definitve proof yet. Because if Dork had an ounce of sense, he would have given me false name of perhaps one of his buddies wives as a cover.

But, it is possible. And if it is just the car of the person who he is supposed to be housesitting for, I will have an address, soon I hope. And since he refuses to give me a phone number for the place, Gee, won't he be surprised?

I gave his lame excuse in an earlier post - apparently their number is unlisted and they don't want him to give it out. Oh and WH doesn't remember the number. THis is the man that has his bank card, his license number and his credit card number all memorized. Dork! WH expanded on it and said that they knew his "situation" and didn't want me to hound them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Well, I am off to try and get a few minutes of sleep. I am deep in this campaign.

I will keep you posted with new developments.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I F-ing love your kick A$$ attitude and your ACTIONS backing up your words.

This is so refreshing for me to read here. It may not work and it is not MB text book (not that I care about that ), but I like it. I love the fact that you are putting action into your plan. I unfortunately suspect you are in for some serious MORE heart break with this WH of yours, but what the hell do I know, I never rebuilt my marriage. I like the fact that he (cowardly WH) is gonna have to earn this divorce from you. He seems like such a coward now. He may not have the B_aLL$ to do it, so I think if staying married is your goal for now, your plan will work. You rock FIghting alone-again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pretty much summed up my feelings, too. No matter what abbreviation one may be associated with, it just doesn't matter when one reads a thread like this. (HB is fitting, though!) "Wow!" is the first thing that comes to mind to describe you! Your heart, desire, spunk, fight, drive to do anything possible to save your marriage...wow! Kudos (and prayers) to ya, f-again!

Thanks LINY. It is nice to be appreciated. THis is the real me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> SOmeone who goes to the wall for friends and family. SOmething that WH used to admire. Until he is on the receivng end. Oh well.

It makes me smile, though. It is so ironic that all the things that attracted him to me are the things he claims to loathe. Doesn't change a darn thing. NOW he calls my strength and determination my refusal to listen to him and my "scariness". Phooey on him. I don't talk or listen to a crazy person.

I haven't just laid out the consequences in a bad way either. I have also told him that things can get better, THat I hope that we can work things out. But that I need honesty and commitement. ANd that until I receive that, I AM fighting alone - AGAIN.

LINY and brown you are both inspirations. I love that you can laugh. SSSHHH I think you are funny too. I thnk I am safe saying that on this thread, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Heck, that's why I joined I'Ville. YOu have to or else you wallow. Pity paties are good for a while but then it is too easy to get stuck there. I make it a point of honour that I crawl and claw my way back out to get to my goals.

Oops WH woke up. Gotta go.

Ding, ding, round 2. I've got your back F-Again. Let us know how it goes. Hope you are being your usual calm self. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Okay, looks like all is quiet on the western front. I'm going to bed. Hope you are sleeping too.