I think I have good news on my front? My WW wants to go to counseling to work on how we interact! I am out of the house and have been for 2 months, so I think this is a good sign. Although we did have a real screamer of a fight last night. Is this a positive step or does she have another motive in mind. Any help would be great. Thanks.

Take advantage of the IC/MC option. It could be just what the two of you need. As for other motives...who knows, but at least in C the two of you can open up in a safe environment. Give it a try.

I am fairly new at this forum, so perhaps I should provide some more info. I found out about the A a few months ago, she said the PA only happened once, yet the EA has lasted for over 10 months.
We have two small kids 6 and 3 and I am scared about what is going to happen.
I moved out 2 months ago as per her wish, yet we have still been seeing each other very often. I put plan A into affect 5 months ago, yet I did not do a great job of it. The pain of the situation is killing me and I react in a very poor way. I have yelled so much, said I am sorry so much I feel lost. My WW brought up the idea of counselling, I at first thought it was great but now my fear is she wants someone to agree with her about how I was a bad husband in the past.

She has said many times I made her life hell, i was not attentavie to her needs, I was never there for her, I spoke down to her and we fought all the time. Now she says she has to much fear to be in this. Is she looking for someone to back her up on this, or is this a good thing?

Me BS 37
Her WW 29
DD 6
DD 3
D-Day June 04

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong> I moved out 2 months ago as per her wish, yet we have still been seeing each other very often. I put plan A into affect 5 months ago, yet I did not do a great job of it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, you shouldn't have moved out at all!! What's done is done. You could move back in... it would create some chaos (to put it mildly)but at least you'd be present and able to work on the M full time! As for Plan A...try not to LB but when you do forgive yourself. Most if not all of us here have "lost it"

If your W was in the A (and still could be from the sounds of it, she should have moved out. Are your kids being exposed to OM?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong>
The pain of the situation is killing me and I react in a very poor way. I have yelled so much, said I am sorry so much I feel lost.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Before you lose control tell your W you need to take a break from the conversation. Go clear your head and come back when you are calm. It takes two to argue, if you maintain control and don't take the bait then there is no argument!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong>
My WW brought up the idea of counselling, I at first thought it was great but now my fear is she wants someone to agree with her about how I was a bad husband in the past.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Find a good, pro M counsellor. The IC/MC is an objective third party. the counsellor on't take sides, if he/she does find a new one! Both of you made mistakes in the past, it took both of you to turn the M into something less than wonderful. BUT your W made the choice to wander. She is far from perfect. "Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong>

She has said many times I made her life hell, i was not attentavie to her needs, I was never there for her, I spoke down to her and we fought all the time. Now she says she has to much fear to be in this. Is she looking for someone to back her up on this, or is this a good thing?

Me BS 37
Her WW 29
DD 6
DD 3
D-Day June 04 </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you could, quite easily, say the same thing to her. You can change if you want to. That being said, is she afraid of you because you are abusive(verbally or otherwise)? If you are, then I don't recommend you live at home and you really need IC.

Bottom line: the only person you can change is yourself.

Thanks for the input. I pray that the MC will be helpfull. Should everything come out at MC, or should we hold back My fear is she wants to only speak of the past and not the present day. I do understand the past is a large part of the present, I just don't know how large a part my past actions pushed her towards someone else. Her OM is still in her life, how much I dont know. Do I force the present situation or let her open up on her own?

The last seven months have been h&ll and I feel so lost. She is unable to forgive me for my past, yet I want to forgive her for what has happened. I want a chance to start fresh with new knowledge and understanding. Do I have a chance?

BS 37
WW 29
DD 6
DD 3

You've got a better chance if you go to counselling than you do if you don't go! Be open and honest at the counsellors. You've got nothing to lose right?! It's important that both you and your W have the opportunity to disclose.

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

She has told me I was very verbaly hurtfull to her, I have used the term abusive and she has told me I was being hard on myself. It changes at times, one day her life was hell, the next she has some good things to say. I am so lost and she is in such fear. She has not exposed our kids to the OM as far as I can teel and thank God for that. She has told me that her OM made her feel special. He picked up her spirits and made her feel wanted. Am I going in the right direction?

Go in the direction of the counsellor's office!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thank you, one more stupid question,

How do I avoid calling her? I feel such a need to hear her voice, I just need to see her to touch her. I am so in love with my wife, am I making it worse?

Do I have any right now that I am out of the house to ask her what she is doing? Who she is out with, if not, how do I stop feeling the need to call her or see her. How do I stop?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> My WW just called, she is so very concerned that some friends of our's found out about the A <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

She called me to ensure I was not going to talk to anyone about our private life! I would not do that, I don't think it is right? Or is it. Do I expose her for what she has done pr is that just a LB?

No one knows about this, we have kept it from everybody, I do think that is the best. I need her so much, the pain of loss tears me apart. I am not strong enough to keep away from her. How do you stop seeing the person you love the most!

Why won't she let me go? She wants to be with her OM, why keep me around. Am I just the second string now, in case things don't work out for them.

Just curious, have you read through this site? One of the basic "guidelines" is that you expose the A. Why? A's thrive in secrecy...in the dark, as it were. Exposing them exposes them to the harsh realities of "real life". It is debatable whether or not its a LB but have no doubt that your WW will be very angry if and when you do this.

If you haven't exposed this already you should. All adults are responsible and accountable for their own actions, your W is not an exception.

Thank you all for the advice, I just have such a hard time trying to seperate myself from the situation.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I love her...
I need her in some way that I don't understand.
The whole idea of seperation from my WW hurts so much I dont function! At all.

I have read through all the info, I understand plan A/B. I understand the concepts, I have a hard time to put them in place perhaps out of fear and anger. I have left the house, working on plan B, yet my situation (living in my mothers basement) drivers me crazy. She has this nice big house she has the kids, i feel very pushed out of my life. The thing is I dont want those things without her! Am I stupid.

alank,

Please don't go to MC if your W is still in contact with the OM. Not only is it a waste of time and money but she could use it to justify that the marriage is unsalvageable and that divorce is the only option left. In order for MC to be effective BOTH spouses must put all their effort to follow a marital recovery plan. If she is still in contact with the OM, she will not have her heart into the work that will be required from both of you to recover you marriage. The OM is an emotional black hole sucking the emotional energy from you W, and until she writtes him a NC [no contact] letter, MC is going to be an exercise in futility.

TMCM

Exposure is tricky here. If it were me, I'd sit down and say what I would do.

WW, if you are worried that I might expose the affair, you have the power to end the affair. If you commit to no contact right now, and to end the affair, there is no reason for me to expose it.

However, since my desire is to work on the marriage, I do feel that if the affair continues, that people who care a great deal about both of us need to know the truth. I would do this in a loving fashion saying that I want to work on the marriage, but I cannot because I believe my W is involved with OM in some sort of relationship. I'm telling you because I know you care about both of us, and my be in a position to help us through this crisis in our marriage.

Exposure is done to enlist help and destroy the secrecy of the affair. If the affair is over, then it may not be necessary to expose.

If the affair is ongoing, then exposure is a key tool to help end the affair.

FWIW,

TB

Thanks to all...
It is such a hard thing to do. She has never sent the OM a NC letter as they still work in the same office and I know that would mean nothing as they are still in contact.

I will talk to her about this NC letter, yet even if she does it she would still have to leave her office right?

Will our MC tell her these things as well, or would they just go in one ear and out the other?

My WW just called me to inform me of some problems she is having at work right now. She is starting to sound paraniod about alot of things.

I know people in her office know about her A, and the OM is the brunt of most office jokes about his wandering ways. When her A started with her OM he was in relationships with others as well! He has gone out of his way to let her know this but she runs back all the time. This past thursday she was with him again. Is she looking for the pain from him?

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I am very worried about everything. MC seems like a long shot as my WW and her OM are still in contact and she tiold me about him again today, how he stood up for her in the office when she was being spoken poorly of. She wont let me go <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> she wont let him go <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

We are going around in circles.. I want to make everything better, it just seems nothing is working.

As mentioned by others... MC and other forms of reconciliation are useless with the OM still in the picture. Priority number one is to get him out of the picture. You can't have a marriage with another person still involved.

If interested in trying to save things this site has techniques for trying to get rid of the OM. Read up on Plan A and Plan B and see if they are for you.

They weren't for me but they do work for a lot of people here.

I do know that exposing the A is a powerful technique for getting rid of the OM. But don't expect her to take it nicely, and it doesn't always work. My WW was absolutely (and I think still is) furious at me for exposing her A.

Good luck!

Miker

Thanks Mike, I have read up on all the tools on the sight and have gone through the plan A/B. I have had no luck and I am sure things are done. My last hope is that our MC can make her listen to reason. Her OM is stiil around and I have been unable to rid us of him. I just don't know if our MC can help with this. Will my WW open her eyes with our MC or stay in her fog..

Here is a real dumb question, can my WW start to rebuild with me if she stays in the same office as her OM.

I understand this sounds crazy, yet she would hwve to start all over again if she left, and she is fighting me on this NC letter for that reason. She says she can and will stay away from her OM. I am just stupid, right?

Hey a question for anyone......

Can Plan A work if I am out of the house? I did a poor job on plan A and am now out of the house. I yelled, lost my temper, blamed her for all sorts of stuff and the tried to make deposits inot her love bank.

I was going one step forward one step back, never making any ground. Can plan A work if I am out of the house?

I would be happy to hear it would or it would still have a chance.