OK. So I told my WW again this evening that if she wants to leave she needs to move out. She got MAD. I told her I wasn't leaving. She said she wasn't either. She said fine, then we will both stay here and not speak to each other until the house is sold. ARGH!!! LB i don't know.
But then after standing in the other room fuming mad.. we talked some more. She said she doesn't think she can be married to me right now. She says she needs to be by herself for awhile and learn to not be codependant before she can be in a relationship. She told me the OM has continuosly asked her to move in with him, but she refused.
Do I give in at let her go?(go with the old maxim, if you really love them set them free and if it was ment to be they will come back.) Or do I stay and fight for my marriage?

What does everyone think???

Hi again. Well, I thought you were in Plan A. However you have stood up for yourself, and that is good. I hope you are doing this in a calm, caring manner. Let her know that her behavior hurts you. Tell her that if she must move in with OM that you cannot stop her, it is her choice.

Hang in there. I think you will feel better that you have made a stand.

You know, after I left for work tonight.. I do feel better. Is it because I told her again she has to move out? or is it because she said she doesn't want to move in with the OM? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

She is going to have to decide and soon. You made your decision that your family home is for family, not a WS. Now if she chooses to be a Ws, does it really matter where she goes (I know you care but a WS does not want what is best for the family - you know that).

Did you give her the green light for the OM? NO but she may take it as such but when she goes your words will ring in her ears without you having to say much more. Don't worry, she won't be happy. You have already established doubt.

Her WS tantrums are showing up. This is a good sign. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

I think it is probably that you stood up for yourself. It is completely miserable when a WS is seeing the OP and not caring how you feel. When you finally draw a line in the sand, it feels much better.

She is still in the fog, so who knows whether she will, or wants to move in with OM. But you have let her know that you are not moving out. That is good.

Set that boundry and be firm, It was the best thing I could have done for me and my ww. She said the same things and is now on day 21 of nc and starting to actually say god bless you when I sneeze and mean it..LOL

If your moving to Plan B then let her know that she can come back when she can respect how you feel and is more willing to end the A..

Be firm, kind, non-judgmental, and loving,,,, but be firm..

I set the boundry that I will not tolerate any more lies and that if she continues this I will have to have her move out until she decides she can be more respectful and continue with NC...

She still is in the fog but I think she smells the Light bulb burning at the end of the tunnel.

Keep your chin up and stand firm, it does not mean you don't love her only that you can't take the chance in letting that love disapear. Good luck and god bless.

I draw strength from this verse, hope it serves you well..


Psalm 13 (Verse 1 thru 6)

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me
Forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my Thoughts
And every day have sorrow in my
Heart?
How long will my enemy triumph
Over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my
God?
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
My enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
And my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
My heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,
For he has been good to me.

ok.. another thing she said to me. (she keeps saying this, and this always makes me want to throw in the towel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )
She says she started ripping herself away from me for a long time.. and it was very painful, and she doesn't know if she can come back to me. She says it shouldn't have taken her such drastic measures to get my attention.
how do I respond to that??? I don't know what to say other than, you have my attention now and I don't want to give up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Fighting 4 my wife:
<strong> ok.. another thing she said to me. (she keeps saying this, and this always makes me want to throw in the towel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )
She says she started ripping herself away from me for a long time.. and it was very painful, and she doesn't know if she can come back to me. She says it shouldn't have taken her such drastic measures to get my attention.
how do I respond to that??? I don't know what to say other than, you have my attention now and I don't want to give up. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How to respond? Well tell her, how dare she go ripping herself and then putting on a coverup for sooo long. Right? Yea, go with this swing....it won't make any sense but it is in line with the fog babble she is feeding you. Don't swallow it, it isn't real.

BTW, what drastic measure is she talking about, the A? Hm...... let her know you are now thinking of drastic measures also, thank her for that idea. Then walk away and let her chew on that piece of logic. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Arrrgh.... if you can't beat them, then babble back. WS' such a hopeless lot. All of 'em. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Sorry..... I just get sooo fed up seeing all the bs from these ws'.

L.

Sounds like you may be giving too much credence to what is likely rationalizations and denial based rewriting of history.

Unless she came to you and said..point blank..I am unhappy, unless something changes I will take drastic action..then you were not privy to the relevant information.

Mindreading 101 wasn't available at my school..how about yours?

She has not been sneaking around to get your attention..and she brings this up to misdirect.

Make a plan based on what you KNOW to be truth..and execute your plan.

Noodle

She did tell me that she cried herself to sleep everynight. I didn't believe her, I didn't understand why she would. I thought she was exaggerating because I work overnights. And that makes me feel guilty.

Working overnight is probably not helping your marriage. You can tell her you are sorry she was so sad and want to make things better.

But right now, try to relax and calm down. There is no hurry.

I agree.. I thought my shift was only temporary and kept telling her that I'll get off the shift.. but with no end in sight.. I've started looking for different career avenues. and have kept her informed about the LITTLE progress i've been able to make so far.
If I only listened to everyone who told me marriage and love is hard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You are still very early in this, so try to settle down. It will take some time to turn this around. Please try to stay calm and caring, but firm when you talk to your wife.

Thanks.. I do have faith in this working out, I just which I could outsmart my WW's fog talk. She's much more articulate than I am, and that frustrates me. But I'm up for the challenge <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

oh yea.. another comment that might have been wrong to say at the time.. what's everyone's thoughts on this one:
asked WW why she thinks I haven't left her after she told me about the A. she says I'm clinging to her because I don't know what to do with my life. After I told her that's BS and that's not what is keeping me here, she says I'm dependent on her and I shouldn't be.
My response.. Trust me I'm not dependent on you, and you're actions showed me that I can't depend on you... so you don't have to worry about that.

also.. believer you said I need to calm down and sit tight.. I understand.. do you think I'm over analyzing every conversation I have with WW? Should I just let it go and lets thinks be what they are.. without replaying every interaction in my head?

What you said was a disrespectful judgment. Knock that off.

It is very common to replay everything over and over in your head. We all do that. But I think you have done well in letting her know your boundaries. This will take some time, so calm down and rest up.

I know this is miserable and very hard, but stick to the MB program, and you will make it.

Ok, I think I made things worse <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Tonight my WW said everyday she finds more problems with herself and she can't work on herself because she doesn't feel comfortable around me. I told her I have not done anything to upset her.
ww: I know you pretend like there's nothing wrong
me: I'm not pretending, I'm trying to move forward myself and make myself available to you so when you want to talk
ww: i can't work on myself with you always around
me: fine. I have a few days off, I'll leave for a couple of days, when I return I'll return and discuss what you thought about
ww: you leaving now.
me: yes, why waste another day right?
then I kised her on the forehead and left.

I am so angry right now and can't handle watching her beat herself up and keep saying I'm making it harder for her. Am I right to leave for a few days? Should I backpedal and just go back in the morning? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I need advise, I'm tired of being so confused!!!!!

When a WS needs "space" to work on themselves, it usually means they need "space" to continue the affair, according to the Harleys.

In my opinion, the BS should not leave the home unless there is a safety issue.

thank's believer
I don't really think it's to continue the affair. Besides, I'm not going to stay away long enough for that to happen. Only two days during the week, My thought is that it shows that I am listening to her. (I'm not moving out of the house. never again on that one.)
Then when I return, I'm confident she will say that she didn't have time to think about things, which I can use to explain to her it doesn't have to do with me being there or not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I know that sounds twisted, but I think she might need that.

orchid.. do you think I effectively used reverse babble? called her bluff? or made a stupid move?