My WH and I are separating after 2 1/2 months of him still seeing OW -- I need to remove myself from his insanity and from being hurt by him and his continued behavior. But - to make a long story short that has been posted here before, I had contacted a realtor (that we've used in the past) about selling our home that we are not able to afford separately - she drew up the listing agreemen last Tuesday - I've been busting my butt myself (as WH is too busy off with OW) getting the house ready to sell -- its pretty much ready to go. He was away until last Friday - the listing agreement was waiting for him to sign -- I come home Saturday to a note telling me he took the paperwork with him to review.....

OK - fine -- review away -- so I fully expect to come home Monday to a signed listing agreement (the realtor had followed up with him during the day on Monday as to whether he had any questions or problems -- he said he did not). Instead I come home to a 4 page, single spaced, typed "letter" from him explaining his view of why our marriage failed... telling me to stop pointing the finger at him 100% and to look at myself (which I have always done - I've NEVER blamed him 100% for the failure of this marriage) -- that his family told him that they never thought we were right for each other, that we never should have gotten married. That he changed for me in the hopes that I would meet him halfway - that he became the person he thought he was supposed to be -- that for the last 11 years (dating and marriage) he wasn't himself -- that the OW has nothing to do with our current situation - that he was already done with the marriage and that is why the relationship w/ OW was able to be established - that he came across as an unhappily married man... I don't even know what else to include in what he wrote - that pretty much sums it up - that our entire marriage was a sham from day one - starting with the wedding night essentially. Quite a fun read for me!!

OK - well - I admit - I had issues through our marriage - my mom, whom I was extremely close to, died 6 months after we got married and was sick for 2 years prior. We always had intamicy (sp?)issues (something I'm dealing with on my own now). However, I've finally reached the point where I'm ready to move forward with things - that I understand that there is no hope for us. He does not acknowledge at all in the letter that he needs some counseling as well - even though he was able to have 4 other affairs through our 5 1/2 year marriage.... I'm just not understanding his train of thought - don't think I ever will....

So - I guess I'm just wondering at this point if he is still foggy or if this is how he truly feels?? In the letter he states that he is coming out of his fog.... Not sure you can tell from the limited information but does any of this sound familiar to you other betrayed spouses? I've gotten to the place wehre I know what I need to do to move forward -- then he tosses this stuff at me and though it doesn't change my course - it makes me feel pretty jumbled up. I wrote a brief response to him - just addressing a couple of the more ridiculous issues and letting him know that I'll be OK - a letter I was going to write when I moved out but decided to bump it up based on what I got.

And, still no signed listing agreement that will enable us to move forward separately as was so clearly stated to be what he wanted in his letter.

Sorry for the ramble and length of this...

Hi Still,

Good to see you. Sorry to hear that he dumped all that on you.

Complete and utter fogwash---100%.

That was 4 pages of justification to himself, to try to absolve himself of the guilt he rightly feels.

A good response may be, "I read your letter. I'm sorry you feel that way. Have you completed the paperwork for the realtor?"

Take care of you!
Jenny

Thanks Jenny -- I did need to hear that - and am planning on continuing to take care of me. I responded with a brief handwritten letter to him - that didn't address most of what he wrote about - ignored 90% of it - but wanted to let him know that I didn't blame him -- maybe I got to wordy with it but I felt better writing it. I do need to e-mail him about the paperwork for the realtor today at some point though... will keep it at that though.

Thanks for your confirmation that he is just trying to justify his behavior. I swear sometimes I think I may be the crazy one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Major, major fog. He sounds just like my WH. When they made the prototype for the WS, they didn't break the mold. It gets used over and over again.

I'm a relative newbie to MB. The experience everybody has here is so valuable. They've seen it all before. Some of these MB folks know what my WH is going to do before he even does it. Kind of scary.

Sounds to me like he doesn't want the M to be over, otherwise why not sign the papers and be done with you since it is all your fault. Right?

You are not the crazy one.

Thank you all - you have made me feel much better. I just get this uneasy feeling when I need to deal with him and start questioning my own sanity.

I have no idea what the day will bring -- I again hope that the listing agreement will be signed and waiting for me. I'm not sure what his delay is. Initially I had wanted to try to save the marriage - he had no interest. I've accepted that and am ready to move forward - hard as it will be - it is what I need to do to keep myself "intact". I just hope he will cooperate as it seems this is what he wants as well. I've gone through enough heartache and would hope he would make things easier by helping to move the sale of the house along.... ugh...

Still:

What keeps you from buying into the MB System? This could help you and your marriage.

PLAN A or PLAN B?

PLAN B would mean doing a PLAN B letter. Did you do this?

What is the PLAN, STILL?

It's me with my BROKEN RECORD AGAIN.

Hello Broken Record a/k/a Mimi!! I have not done plan B letter yet and still go back and forth as to whether to do that... if I'm going to do it, will write it when I move out in a couple weeks.

We've had pretty much no contact over the past month - when I do deal with him i'm pleasant - no LBs - I'm honestly not sure what i want from this anymore -- I really did want to save our marriage - but the more I think about the multiple affairs and see his inability to acknowledge in any way his part in this - as well as him not seeing that he has his own issues -- I don't know that I want him back -- does that make me horrible? I know he is in his fog - I also know he has an aversion to conflict as well as hard work -- both of which he would need to deal with to make his way back to me. I have let him know how I feel - that i've always loved him and still do... and if I can write a plan B letter and really mean it, I will - this is something I need to re-evaluate...

Thanks Mimi....

When I put up my house for sale, my FWH wouldn't sign the papers until I indicated that it didn't mean the end of us. He called and asked me, "What about us?" I had already written the PLAN B letter and was able to refer him back to it. We can have US when you do XYZ. He had his road map. However, he still wasn't ready.

My house sold the first day it was on the market. Then he began wanting to buy a new house with me, talking me out of buying the more affordable house that I could afford alone. We now live happily in the BIGGER HOUSE together.

It's your choice about what you do with your life. However, you seem ambivalent so if you are unsure consider using the MB System.

and if I can write a plan B letter and really mean it, I will
What do you mean by "really mean it"?
Are you not sure if you want to stay in contact with the crazy guy or not?
Plan B does not mean you HAVE to reconcile.
It is simply a way of getting the option to reconcile.

Even if you choose divorce, Plan B is good to do. It will alleviate the stress of dealing with crazy guy and help you to "just get over it".

Listen to CHRIS!!! He's saying what I was trying to say.

Oh - I see... no, I truly do not want to stay in contact with the crazy guy... once I'm out of the house I don't have any reason to talk to him and can go very dark - until the house sells - will have to deal with settlement issues.

Hmmmmm.... and it doesn't mean I have to reconcile... just an option... options are always good... and anything to help me "get over it" is a huge plus.... hmmmm - a light bulb may have just lit...

However, you need to WRITE THE PLAN B LETTER!!!!

Yes, Plan B without a Plan B letter is very bad.

<small>[ December 14, 2004, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Got it -- will draft and post.... will take me some time though... thanks all!