Okay, my H and I are already disagreeing about an issue involved regarding NC. I am a FWW. My A ended three weeks ago. I told my husband 3 days ago. I went through horrid withdrawal, but now clearly have left the fog I was in and am ready to move on and not look back.

I met the OM while trail riding with a group of people from our area. For this reason my H has a strong dislike of horses and horse activities. But like I told him, the horses did not cause the A. My stupidity did. I see that now and have NO desire for contact with the OM.

The issue now is how much and with whom I should be able to trail ride. The "group" I ride with sometimes includes the OM, however another one of our friends knows the situation and that I want NC with the OM. I feel he can safely tell me when the OM might come ride and can stay home on those days. Should the OM appear unexpectedly somehow, I can load my horse up and go home. No biggie to me. I have no feelings whatsoever for the OM anymore. I realize I was used and he never cared for me. Once I cross someone off my list, they are gone forever.

H says I have too forgiving a nature and if the OM appeared on the scene I might regress back into contact and possibly the A. I have offered to make sure my husband can ALWAYS reach me by cell phone when I am riding and I would like to participate with my group, though on a much more limited basis so I can spend time rebuilding our wounded family.

I feel I have lived and learned. I cherish my husband even more for wanting to rebuild our M after the affair and cannot imagine ever going back to the OM in any way, shape, or form. He says I would have said the same thing about me never getting into an A in the first place.

Help! What is a reasonable compromise here? I do not want any contact with the OM at all, just want to ride occasionally.

TIA for your comments/any suggestions.

D.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Alone and Broken:
<strong> Okay, my H and I are already disagreeing about an issue involved regarding NC. I am a FWW. My A ended three weeks ago. I told my husband 3 days ago. I went through horrid withdrawal, but now clearly have left the fog I was in and am ready to move on and not look back.

I met the OM while trail riding with a group of people from our area. For this reason my H has a strong dislike of horses and horse activities. But like I told him, the horses did not cause the A. My stupidity did. I see that now and have NO desire for contact with the OM.

The issue now is how much and with whom I should be able to trail ride. The "group" I ride with sometimes includes the OM, however another one of our friends knows the situation and that I want NC with the OM. I feel he can safely tell me when the OM might come ride and I can stay home on those days. Should the OM appear unexpectedly somehow, I can load my horse up and go home. No biggie to me. I have no feelings whatsoever for the OM anymore. I realize I was used and he never cared for me. Once I cross someone off my list, they are gone forever.

H says I have too forgiving a nature and if the OM appeared on the scene I might regress back into contact and possibly the A. I have offered to make sure my husband can ALWAYS reach me by cell phone when I am riding and I would like to participate with my group, though on a much more limited basis so I can spend time rebuilding our wounded family.

I feel I have lived and learned. I cherish my husband even more for wanting to rebuild our M after the affair and cannot imagine ever going back to the OM in any way, shape, or form. He says I would have said the same thing about me never getting into an A in the first place.

Help! What is a reasonable compromise here? I do not want any contact with the OM at all, just want to ride occasionally.

TIA for your comments/any suggestions.

D. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

You say it has been 3 weeks since you ended the affair and 3 days since you told your H about the affair.
This is very fresh for your H. It is going to take alot of time for your H to gain his trust in you. You have broken his heart and his faith.
anything to do with horses now is going to be a trigger for him.
My suggestion is to give it up for awhile. IN time when he feels like he has regained trust in you, then it may not bother him.
At the beggining of this you need to do whatever it takes to make him feel comfortable with the situation.

You may not like this, but please bear in mind I am also a FWW.

Your H is really hurting and reeling from all this. He didn't cause those feelings; you did. If you are serious about making things better between the two of you, you will respect his feelings and fears, no matter how irrational they seem to you. Others have given up more to make amends/not inflict further hurt, such as moving cities, giving up jobs.

Give it work and time. He may come around. Right now he needs to feel your undivided loyalty.

A&B:

Look at this from BH's point of view:

Your horses are more important than he is.
His fears, hurt and pain are not valid.
You don't really care how much he hurts.
You may want to avoid OM, but you are willing to risk the chance of "accidentally" bumping into him.
Your "friends", who knew how you stepped out on your H but didn't mind, are also part of the problem. They don't respect your H. They don't think he is man enough for you, and you still want to have contact with him. Their support for NC? That's a laugh.

The fact that it' no biggie for you is good; but that does not mean that because it is indeed a biggie for your H is to be ignored or invalidated.

You want to recover from your A? Well, it's going to have to take sacrifices. You are going to have to give up something important to show your H that he is important, and worth it. Otherwise, you are saying that you really don't value him, or your M.

If you insist on continuing to ride with these "friends" who approved of your infidelity, in an activity that you cannot share with your H, and with the risk, no matter how unwanted, of recontacting OM, then you might as well say goodbye to your H now. He won't recover with that.

You might have to put horseback riding on the backburner for a while. Focus on your H, let him know he is worthwhile, that if you say he is important to you, you back up your words with actions. Pursue instead activities that will bring you together. Perhaps, in due time, you will be able to rediscover horseback riding, but when you and your H have a stronger foundation in the areas that you do share.

Think about it this way - if the situation were reversed and it was you who was the BS, would you feel respected if your H insisted on continuing some activity which you did not like at all, with the same group of friends who acquiesced to his carnal activities with some other woman? You'd be reading him the riot act, and justifiably so. Such an act would be the ultimate in disrespect, and you'd be here questioning his seriousness in reconciling.

A&B,

As a FWS ( and fellow horse lover ) I would advise you to back off on the trail group for a while. Look at everything that had to do with the A. The riding, the friends, and you may feel its no big deal, but trust me it is.

If trail riding is that big an issue for you, look into another group, get your H involved. Im betting that group of friends will be a big problem for him for a long time.

I would not argue this point with him. He has valid concerns. You have proven that. You need to make him feel as secure as possible.

Cell phone contact? Big deal, OM could be standing right there while you are on the phone and H would never know unless you told him. The friends? AS you said some of them know the situation, and didnt care before, so if you were to see OM and change your mind the friends will not add security to your H, he doesnt trust them any more then he trusts you right now.

Ok, I am going to have to go with the crowd on this one. You need to go the extra mile to honor his feelings right now. My fww had one really close friend who knew about the affair and lied to me to cover it up. Thought it was just fine near as I can tell.

I have no use for that friend, I never came out and forbid her to see her, just made my feelings known. And you know what, as the fog has cleared, my fww has very little desire to hang out with that friend I have noticed..

A&B,

I'm a FWW too. My A began on the internet, with my best friend. Since it started on the internet, my H's first reaction after D Day was to be very protective of me when I went online. I understood that he was worried that I'd be looking to do this again. Clearly, I was not. I never looked to start an A, and I'd never want it to happen again.

My point is that being the "guilty" one, I felt it my place to make my H more comfortable with whatever I now do. So, if that meant that he'd glance over my shoulder now while I'm online, so be it. I don't react very well to staunch limitations, but if he's clearly upset or hurt over something, I'll want to do what's best for him and for our M now. In your case, I'd put off the riding for a while, even though it's your passion. You have to think of your H and how he's probably just beginning to hurt now. You have to slowly build that trust all over again.

Hope you can reach a happy medium. Good luck.

CC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Uphill:
<strong> A&B:

Look at this from BH's point of view:

Your horses are more important than he is.
His fears, hurt and pain are not valid.
You don't really care how much he hurts.
You may want to avoid OM, but you are willing to risk the chance of "accidentally" bumping into him.
Your "friends", who knew how you stepped out on your H but didn't mind, are also part of the problem. They don't respect your H. They don't think he is man enough for you, and you still want to have contact with him. Their support for NC? That's a laugh.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry. I wasn't very clear. Only one person in the entire riding group knew about the A. The rest are just regular folks.

He did make a comment to me, though. He said that through all this I only wanted to lose one person and wanted to keep the rest of the things that made the A possible. I respect that. My feelings are that I will significantly cut down my riding time without completely losing "my" time. Perhaps this is selfish, but as a stay-at-home-mom I need some outside world contact. Perhaps it is best not to rush fences, though.

D.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Buttercup:CC:
<strong> A&B,
My point is that being the "guilty" one, I felt it my place to make my H more comfortable with whatever I now do. So, if that meant that he'd glance over my shoulder now while I'm online, so be it. I don't react very well to staunch limitations, but if he's clearly upset or hurt over something, I'll want to do what's best for him and for our M now. In your case, I'd put off the riding for a while, even though it's your passion. You have to think of your H and how he's probably just beginning to hurt now. You have to slowly build that trust all over again.

Hope you can reach a happy medium. Good luck.

CC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, everyone. I see that everyone feels the same. Maybe it is best I find another way to be social without hurting H so much.

D.

A&B, I don't know if you've read any of Bob Pure's posts. His wife is very involved in karate and the OM is too.

It breaks Bob's heart that his w is having trouble giving it up. She is very high up in karate and referees - so it's not just sport to her.

I gave up my job because OM was a client where I worked. It was totally coincidental that he was a client there and nothing to do with how I met up with him again (he was HS boyfriend).

The fallout of an A I'm afraid.

A&B, keep posting - all marriage builders are welcome here.

Jen

A&B,

I'm glad that you read a few opinions here. I just wanted to add that RIGHT NOW the feelings are raw, and it takes time to build trust back up. It wouldn't be worth it if your H is worried every time you leave the house to go riding, right? Besides that, right now you'd be opening yourself up for contact, even though your plan sounds very reasonable. Just best to let it lie for a while. Hope you're okay with that.

CC

A&B

Please accept my 4x2 constructively. But a 4x2 it surely is.

3 weeks NC and 3 days since d-day and you say you are over withdrawal ?

Doubtful. especially as you are rationalising ways to stay in contact with the OM.

You think it is the atitude of a marriagebuilder and FORMER ws to assert your need for independence so soon after d-day ?

Perhaps this is selfish, but as a stay-at-home-mom I need some outside world contact.

My Squid ( FWW) said these exact words. And YES its dam' selfish right now. Selfishness made you persue an affair and selfishness wants you to still demand the space from. You had space and independence and you chose to use those resources to cheat on your husband. You threw away the right to his trust when you took that choice.

If you truly want to marriagebuild you are going to have to start putting BS at the absolute TOP of your priority list for a long time.

That your hobby is still of such importance to you shows me that you are far from over the affair, just like my FWW even a few weeks ago.

Do you not see how deliberately humiliating it would be to your BS if you saw OM "platonically" ? Do you not realise the utter DEVASTATION you have knowingly wreaked upon your BS and kids ?And you still talk about riding like its freaking IMPORTANT in this context ?

A&B I respectfully suggest you withdraw from all activities but marriagebuilding for a while OR pursue a divorce. To cake-eat and think that your comfortable old life can sustain as long as you don't deliberately screw OM is an absolute sham.

Wake up and look at the grenade you set off in your BS heart.

I pray you are blessed with teh resource syou need to help make right what you have done wrong.

If you want to continue to ride, it would be best if you found another horse club entirely.

Not to be disrespectful, but you betrayed your husband's trust in you so it's up to you to show him you want to save your marriage. This means you have to take actions to demonstrate you really do love him. Saying you are over the OM and keeping your cell phone on aren't sincere steps to repair your marriage. Basically, you are reminding in the same environment that lead to the affair in the first place. From the outside looking in, it appears that you don't want to accept any consequences on your decision to have an affair.

What ever you do, good luck.