I talked with my WW henceforth referred to as STBXW tonight for 3 hours. She told me some things that have helped me so much.....

She told me that she knew our marriage was over since July of 2000, when we had a fight about her upcoming schooling. I had threatened her (an idle threat) that we would sell the house we just bought, and she just wouldn't go to school. I know I shouldn't threaten, but this was before I knew what LB's were.

She told me that she allowed me to believe that we were in this together. As I said in my story, we packed up the house and moved to Philadelphia. So, for the four years of Podiatry School, and half a year of residency, she purposely USED ME. She would have had a much tougher time without my moral, physical, and financial support. This is not to say that she would be unable to do it on her own, because she is one determined girl. But it would have been immensely more difficult.

I know many of you will write this off as fog talk, but you don't know my wife. Even if the A dies, she said she will be so happy to finally be free of me and the misery I have caused her.

I know that what she says is the way she has felt for a long time. I had no idea that she was this unhappy, but I am not surprised. She won't back down from the D, she is much too self-assured. She thinks that when she makes a decision, that she has to stick by it, come he!! or high water. She can never admit that she is wrong.

I know my wife. This is not fog talk. She is ready to move on, and after this revelation, I am finally ready, I think. I can't imagine ever being with someone so evil, so manipulative, as to take 4 1/2 years of someone's life from them, and not give a drip about doing it. I did a little LB'ing, but not too much, I was very nice during the whole convo, but she was fairly mean and angry. WOW.....that's all I can say......WOW.....

To think that the person you put up on a pedestal, that you thought was a prayerful Christian, is capable of having and A with a married man, and now this???? WOW......


TM

I am sorry to hear all this.

I don't know your wife, but don't be so quick to discount the possibility of this all being fogese. I think all of us here have heard very similar statements from our fws's during the A. I know I was told that she never loved me, had no idea why she married me, blah, blah, blah.

These statements honestly don't sound much worse than some of the things I was told..

I also heard similar stuff...my H said he hadn't loved me for 20 yrs....that he never loved me. We are recovered and he can't believe he said those things.

My jaw kind of dropped. In our case when he was saying those things I immediately recalled some of the good times we'd had in years passed.

I think is must be that they come to that conclusion when comparing what they feel for their A partner to what they felt with us and then define 'love' by those intense new feelings. Of course there is no comparison. We could go chasing those 'feelings' for a lifetime and never really be happy with the outcome.

Your situation is different than ours in that you don't have kids. Maybe it would be best for you to move on and heal. I can imagine that it wasn't pleasant to hear that she used you for 4.5 yrs.

Take what this experience has taught you and bring the new information into another relationship when you are ready.

Everyone has to make their own decision in these situations, but I would urge you to not be so hasty.

I know I would deeply regret it had I made a decision based on the rubbage my fww spewed while in her state of foggedness...

I really don't thiink this is fogspeak (my new term - a' la Orwell's 1984), because she told me how on a trip back from Texas to Philly - visiting home for Christmas - she prayed almost the entire way back for God to present her with a way out of the marriage.

I am starting to think that this was an exit A....


TM

Bueller......bueller.......


aka Bump

T-man - It is much too early in this to take anything she says seriously. Heard anything else from OM's wife?

I think your wife is just angry and trying to hurt you.

Yes, I talked with her yesterday, and we shared a little more information. Like when my wife was flying home, the date of a basketball game that my wife bought tickets to, etc.

The OM's W is not super cooperative - she wants to handle it on her own. I don't think she sees the gravity of the situation.

TM

Let her do her stuff (OW). In most cases, the WS ends up back with the spouse.

I know it is miserable right now, but this is going to take some time to play out.

You can be sure that the OM is saying your wife is a stalker. She is making it up, etc. Classic.

Your wife is probably re writing history. Wow what an LB. Always remember this...the best revenge is living well.

It doesn't compute. If the M was that bad and you are just too hidious to live with, then how come she had to wait for an OM? How come she in her infinite wisdom didn't have the know how or guts to bring this to your attention sooner?

If you say your W really was like this since 2000, then she has been in the fog for that long.

I think you should turn the tables and get a bit angry knowing that she deliberatley strung you and your finances to support what she knew was to be the end of your M.

Check into your state's D laws about recooping some of that cost.

REsourceful or not, she owes you back all that schooling $$.

I think it is a big bunch of crap talk. Rewriting history is a pasttime with these WS. It is now 2004 and NOW she is telling you she is 4 years behind in notifying you?

Question to her is now: What else are you 4 years + behind in that you need to tell me about? R U now psychotic, clepto, changed genders, compulsive gambler, liar, druggie, etc.????

See I asked my H that when he threw that line: 'I never loved you.' Right so dear WS, when did you feel this way (asked for a date and time), then got angry for him NOT telling me sooner!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

L.

If I read this right, you supported her financially while she went through school. In the state where I live if a SP supports the other SP financially through there schooling, then the BS can sue and be entitled to 1/2 the XS earnings for like 10 years. I know of one case where this has/is happening.

Also, my BIL is currently going through school and has said he is going to drop his W once he gets through school. He is a jerk for this, even though I do not like her too well. But sympathize now that I am going through the same he!! as she. Now I know why she is crazy! She has paid his tuition and supports the family. What a brainiac he is, the best part HE IS IN LAW SCHOOL, dumb b*st*rd! How ya like them apples, AAAAGGGHHH! I guess this fog runs in families (WW's Bro).

Check into this legal aspect. But I agree with the others. Classic fogspeak. Do not believe 100% of what she says and 50% of her actions when she is in this state of mind. That is what the directions on the bottle reads.

My STBXH told me he had thought about divorcing me our entire marriage.

Whatever <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I found it odd that they ALL say such similar things.

I believe that when many people get into A's they rewrite their history so as to justify their actions.

Did she maybe think about D at that time?

Sure.

So what. That doesn't translate into "All I ever wanted from that moment was a divorce".

UNLESS, you're trying to rationalize letting some other guy make you feel good.

I'll be honest, there are times when I thought about leaving my husband. There are times when I would have liked to find myself single again, dating, experiencing the excitement of it all.

I never allowed myself to be in a position, ESPECIALLY during those times, to let someone else fill what I thought was missing.

Had I allowed it, I very likely would have used those few instances as a jumping off point to where I was so unhappy during the ENTIRE marriage.

It's probably as smokescreen. "Don't look at what I have done! Look at how unhappy YOU made me! I never wanted to be here anyway and I am going to hurt you until you go away. Don't make me look at the reality and possibilities in our marriage because then I have to look at what I have done to you and to me."

Just a thought.

I am really going to bed now!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

TM,
I'm in so Cal as well.

I'm past the support group stage but if you need help on your end let me know.

Mac

cwmac - I actually could use some help....

my email - geckogoon@yahoo.com


Thanks for offering...


TM