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My wife admitted to me back in August that she was in an EA. We've lived in seperate bedrooms since and we recently started talking again, not much though. I have no idea if she is still in this EA or not, I'm fairly sure it's someone she works with. I have been doing Plan A for over three months and it seems to be working, about two weeks ago she started to come out of her fog. She denied so many statements she said to me since she first told me, it's as though she never said them. I have hundreds of questions I would like to ask her, but I'd like to know how I should start? Do I start with easy questions first and then work my way to the tough ones?
Here's a few that I want answered ASAP.
Why did she tell me she feels guilty?
Last week she said to me, How can you ever trust me again? What do I say?
Are you still in an affair, and if so how far has it progressed?
If not, then how did it end and who ended it?
Did you Kiss, Petting, Hold hands, etc...? (Is this considered PA?)
If you did have sex, where did you go? Hotel, work, friends house, etc...
What type of STD protection did you use?
I want his name, address, phone number and employer.
Is he married?
How long have you known this OM?
Does he work with you?
When did the affair start? How did it start?
Who made the first move?
Who else knows of this affair?
Did you ever think of me or our children while you were with him?
Why were you disconnected from our marriage?
What did the affair provide? How can I meet those needs?
How can you meet it elsewhere in a healthy way?
What do I need to change about me?
Are you willing to go to a Lie detector test?
Please help.
<small>[ December 15, 2004, 11:09 AM: Message edited by: LonelyGuy ]</small>
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Lonelyguy,
I think I might ask, after the questions you have listed which for your own sanity you need to have answered, what she got from the OM that she didn't get from you, if anything. And how/what you can do to change that aspect of your relationship.
I am pretty sure I remember your story from a while back.
Will you be having this conversation with her tonight?
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lonelyguy...
ask whatever you feel you need to ask...
BUT
focus on your response and your reaction as well...
the more safe you make it for her to open up to you....the more she will be able to do so...
what you hear may hurt
what you hear may make you angry
what you hear may make you defensive
what you hear may be a deal breaker...and your gut will tell you to stop it right here and now...
ride it out..
listen
listen
listen
someone just posted recently that in there couseling with steve harley that over and over again he advised the BS to keep it safe for the WS to say what they are saying.....
she has begun to test you to see how you will react...
rest assurred that human nature will make her start with the least offensive to test how you handle and react...
how can she tell you the really painful stuff if you can't handle the painful stuff...
pray for strength
wisdom
be ready to be supportive of the fact she is telling you...which is not the same as condoning what she is telling you....
practice non committal responses...
thank her for her honesty..even when it hurts...
you have the right to ask these questions...
be ready for the answers to hurt...
ARK
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She said to me, How can you ever trust me again? What do I say? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell her that you feel you can in time. She will have to show you that she can be trusted again, and then you will be able to. It will take time and have to be earned, however. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Are you still in an affair, and if so how far has it progressed? If not, then how did it end and who ended it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is up to you, but I don't know that who ended it is such an issue. Most times it is sort of mutual. I would only ask this if you feel that you cannot continue in the marriage or try to recover unless she ended it. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is he married? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want his name, address, phone number and employer </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would only ask this if you think the A is still going on and you need that info to expose the A.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurting Hoosier: <strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> [QUOTE] Are you still in an affair, and if so how far has it progressed? If not, then how did it end and who ended it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is up to you, but I don't know that who ended it is such an issue. Most times it is sort of mutual. I would only ask this if you feel that you cannot continue in the marriage or try to recover unless she ended it. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is he married? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want his name, address, phone number and employer </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would only ask this if you think the A is still going on and you need that info to expose the A. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It would make a difference to me if I knew she ended it. If he dumped her then I need to rethink this whole marriage. If it was him, then why did he dump her? If he is married you can be damn sure I am going to tell his wife. Even though I feel for the pain she will go through she deserves to know. Obviously there are problems in their marriage also. Wouldn't it be fair to her if she wants to work on her marriage problems or not? Most likely he will do it again. In regards to his employment, I am 95% sure she works with this guy. Dr Harley says she cannot work with him or have any contact whatsoever. So what choice do I really have?
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Shortly after we began recovery I asked FWH to tell me about all the past EA/PA's he had. He didn't want to say at first...didn't want to hurt me...or didn't want me to get angry with him.
I explained for a good length of time these were things I REALLY needed to hear, I would feel better afterwards, and HE would feel better afterwards. I promised profusely I was going to keep my cool, be very unemotional...these were facts from the past...couldn't hurt now. Whenever he stumbled and wanted to hold back, I just kept reminding him I needed this...he needed this...it felt good to get it out in the open.
And above all...keep your voice light, even-tempered, quizzical, like a student asking a teacher a question...VERY HARD TO DO. NO SARCASM or anger.
Afterwards, thank them for their honesty, ask any questions you may need, tell them you need to think about this for awhile. Tell them you may need to ask questions in the future and if that was OK. Then drop it, for now.
If you bring up the past again, do it with regard to it being in the past...and you want to know some other fact, or how it effects now...
Good luck, this is hard to hear...
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Lonelyguy,
I just ended my EA after a one year A..online and phone only. It wouldnt have mattered if he had ended it or I had first, both of us were feeling so awful, the guilt was hard to bear, there was no way to feel good about this relationship. I believe it was an addiction to excitement, or drama, to feeling good for a few moments and then feeling horrible the rest of the time..In my case I will always regret becoming involved and risking what I hold most dear, my husband. I have not yet told my husband and dont want to..I cant bear the idea of hurting him this way...especially since we didnt meet and it is over. I know many on this bb wont agree with this but right or wrong I just cant tell him.
I have learned so much and that is the positive in this...to not take what I have here for granted, to be a better person, and to give more than I ever have before. All I have done for the past year is take and I have felt so selfish and upset, I've wanted a man I had no right to want or to love and the guilt in that will be with me for a long time to come.
I feel so bad for you and am sorry you have to go through this pain. But I do hope you will listen to your wife, really hear her and allow her to explain how this happened.
I wish you the best,
Lmh
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lovemyhubby:
<strong>
I feel so bad for you and am sorry you have to go through this pain. But I do hope you will listen to your wife, really hear her and allow her to explain how this happened.
I wish you the best,
Lmh </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm curious as to how this happened so I can hopefully stop this from happening again (if I'm still with her).
Right now I'm leaning towards divorce.
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My wife admitted to me back in August that she was in an EA. We've lived in seperate bedrooms since and we recently started talking again, not much though. I have no idea if she is still in this EA or not, I'm fairly sure it's someone she works with. I have been doing Plan A for over three months and it seems to be working, about two weeks ago she started to come out of her fog.
lonelyguy...this information is confusing...
plan A is about confronting certain aspects of the affair with boundaries...
how is it 4 months post D-day and there has been NO discussion about these things...
have you two been living in complete silence?
also why did you move out of the bedroom and you should move back in today..it's your bedroom...
correcto...
plan a is about exposing the affair to the OM family as well as not making it any easier for this to continue...
what have you and she discussed about no contact up till now...
I don't gather that you have really been in plan a yet...
not that things aren't hopeful..it's just helpful if people know what is really going on...
and if you understand the 'concepts'
ark
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She doesn't want to talk. I tried several times in a very nice low key voice but she says we'll talk after the holidays. She doesn't want to ruin the Holidays. She asked me to move out of our bedroom so I said fine. She was tossing and turning in her sleep so much I couldn't get any rest myself. At least now I sleep. I've been doing plan A for months now, seems to be working, but very slowly. I don't know who the OM is, she said it's none of my business.
How do I expose to her family with no proof? And yes, the last month has been complete silence except when I eat dinner with the kids. Even then we don't talk or look at each other.
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she says we'll talk after the holidays. She doesn't want to ruin the Holidays. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> oh lordy lordy... She asked me to move out of our bedroom so I said fine. so tonight go home... hold her face gently in your hands.. look her in the eyes.. smile and softly tell her ... I am sleeping in our bed tonight..... you gotta start somewhere.. plan a is NOT about silence.. it is about shouting your love and concern as softly as you can.... ARK where's pep when you need her???
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Yeah, she doesn't want to ruin her Holidays, but it's alright to destroy mine now and in the future.
These WS are something else.
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LG,
Go home, tell her as of tonight you are sleeping in the bedroom and she can go elsewhere. If she balks, remind her that she is the one who stepped out of the M and needs to earn her way back to the bedroom.
She doesn't want to ruin HER holiday? No dice. She already ruined yours. Let her carry that guilt. It may send her out of the house for a while. Could you handle that outcome?
L.
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My ex WW told me the same thing. We would talk about it after the Holidays. It was more disrespect, nothing more. After the holidays she told me she was leaving for the OM. She left, divorced me and is now with the OM. Waiting for the holidays to be over was just an excuse.
Sleep in your own bed. Stop being such a wimp, like I was. I suspect you are afraid to confront her because you think that might force her into the arms of the OM. I made that same mistake. All I got for going along with her was more heartbreak.
Take control. Stop reacting to her. It IS your business who your wife has been sleeping with. Her telling you that is is not your business shows she still does not respect you and she still puts the OM above you. Don't be the fool I was. Take firm but fair steps.
I got this quote from another MB person. I think it is very true and wish I had followed it closer.
"It is the advantage and the nature of the strong that they can bring crucial issues to the fore and take a clear position regarding them. The weak always have to choose between alternatives that are not their own." (Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Letters and Papers from Prison)
Don't get stuck ending up having to choose between the alternatives she and her lover offer you. Yes, you read that right. She and her lover were conspiring together on their future, while she was putting me on hold. Outragious!
Don't make the same mistakes I did.
<small>[ December 15, 2004, 09:01 PM: Message edited by: JustinExplorer ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JustinExplorer: <strong> Sleep in your own bed. Stop being such a wimp, like I was. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I'll be damned <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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nice post justin... "shutup," lemonman.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> lonelyguy...you can't let fear control you... you can't believe that avoidance with solve anything...or make it go away.... confront without powerstruggling... it's a dance.. gotta learn the steps though ark
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