I don't think she's doing well emotionally. I suspect OM may finally be out of the picture and the fog starting to lift.

Our marriage is over I'm not interested in saving that, but I do have a lot of concern for her as my children's mother and as a human being.

The thing is she's lost all her friends and even alienated her own family against her because of the affair and her behaviour before and after the affair. I don't think she really has anyone besides the OM. I think she would probably talk to me if I initiated, but not sure I want to go there.

The thing is, I'm doing great right now and I don't risk sending myself back down on an emotional spiral.

Do I put out myself in compassion or stay dark and protect myself?

Miker <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Tough one...

A girlfriend of mine recently split with her H for the OM. She tried to stay friends with her XH so that he could heal but it ended up just causing more stress for both of them.

Will your WW come see you if she needs to talk? Does she have a counsellor she could speak to?

I understand from a father's perspective why you would want to try but can you reestablish emotional contact, and that's what we are talking about here, without opening a whole can of worms? Think long and hard and be honest with yourself on this one!!

Miker,

Don't remember your situation completely...but I'll throw in my unsolicited and uninformed $0.02.

Are you divorced? If not, is reconciliation completely out of the question? Be honest with yourself as I never thought I would offer my family back to a W that cheated on me.

If reconciliation is an option...or you feel you may at some time offer it as an option, let her come to you. Let her hit the proverbial "bottom" as she must be willing to recreate herself to make that work..

If reconciliation is absolutely not an option, I still say let her hit the tarmac without the chute. You cannot be objective about her problems and the potential solutions. Your emotions may cloud your reasoning and suggestions. Also, one does not let a drowning person grab onto them...they can drag you under. Direct her to places she can get the help she needs ie. a pastor or counselor, but let her figure out the remedy for herself. IMHO tough love is the way to go.

I would stay dark!!!! Let her fall and see what she has created. I know it's a hard thing to watch but maybe this is the only way she will finally see what her A has caused her and all the people around her that she hurt.

Miker,

I find myself in the same position as you. I have been agonizing over reaching out to her. She has surrounded herself with friends and family that are not only extremely dysfunctional but are also laboring under the deluge of lies that she has told them about me and our M.

I think that Tree's advice is well headed.

warning threadjack..

A girlfriend of mine recently split with her H for the OM. She tried to stay friends with her XH so that he could heal but it ended up just causing more stress for both of them.

I hope you have pretty much told your friend the insanity of her thought...

she leaves her husband to be with another man..
then tries to stay friends with him to help him heal...

that's like the gunman hanging around after blowing people apart...handing out bandaides...

hope she's off your invite list to YOUR up coming wedding...

weddings are all about asking friends and family to come support your marriage and it's fidelity...

surely your friend doesn't expect an invitation..
and surely you aren't inviting her...

though her husband may want to come...

whew...enough..of that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

miker....

you can move slowly...and extend compassion while protecting yourself...

can you do this by involving her with things with the kids...with little to no one on one time with you....

gaurd yourself well
keep your eyes wide open...

pray pray pray for guidance....
pray some more...and see what answers you get before making a move...

ARK

HOw long has it been? for women its hard to put feelings aside but for you it may be easier to to"counsel", however she may feel like you are butting in and would not want your advise, though they are your kids too you have the right to address a potentially damaging situation. Family is important and to have them turn their back thats sad, as long as they are there for the kids then let her fall on her own

HOw long has it been? for women its hard to put feelings aside but for you it may be easier to to"counsel", however she may feel like you are butting in and would not want your advise, though they are your kids too you have the right to address a potentially damaging situation. Family is important and to have them turn their back thats sad, as long as they are there for the kids then let her fall on her own

Thank you all for your responses.

She was also a huge cake eater... you wouldn't believe some of the things she thought should occur. I am just concerned how low is "rock bottom" in her case.

But I agree it is not my place nor am I equipped to be her therapist. I will not initiate anything with her and if she initiates I will gently and kindly suggest she talks to her therapist about it.

Thanks again for your responses, the heart just gets in the way of the mind sometimes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Miker

Miker,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TR said:
would stay dark!!!! Let her fall and see what she has created. I know it's a hard thing to watch but maybe this is the only way she will finally see what her A has caused her and all the people around her that she hurt.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is good advice. For the reason Tree said but also because... YOU can not help her. Contact with her I think would only set her back. She does need to solve this for herself. She needs some self-realization.

Since you have kids I know you are probably communicating on some level. So just end your mails or conversations with "take care of yourself."

I know you care about her well being. It is hard to see someone that for many years you have strived to care for and protect struggle. But the biggest lessons are learned from the struggle.

Pray (if you do) for her well being. But she has to do this herself I think. I is a shame she has driven away or isolated herself from her "real" friends and embraced her enablers.

Perhaps, you could share your concern with one of her old friends ... have them offer her some help or guidance.

Most importantly Miker ... Take care of YOURSELF and your children. You can't make her do anything ... even if it is for her own good.

Good Luck to your family.

.

Let her Rot in Hell. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

This is basically what Steve Harley told me about my wife in November. My wife was scared, alone and a basketcase. I called SH to see if she should go on AD's. SH said Hell no, she needs to suffer the consequences of HER actions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It worked so far, I did have a small talk with her. At that point she started to come out of her FOG. She is still in it, but she is much better since then. One week after my talk she called me on her cellphone asking "how could I forgive her for what she has done?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Let her suffer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm so glad to hear that you were told to let her "rot in hell". That is my favorite saying these days. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I guess I've been saying the right thing then. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TreeReich*:
<strong> I'm so glad to hear that you were told to let her "rot in hell". That is my favorite saying these days. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I guess I've been saying the right thing then. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sheesh Tree maybe you should become a therapist... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If you can help her ONLY as the mother of your children, that would be great...
She should also know you help her just for that reason...
I guess I'm too soft <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

(Your kids would appreciate that too...)

LOL...yea...I should be a therapist. I think after going through all of this garbage I could give some good advice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I do agree with Belonging To Nowhere...If it has anything to do with the kids I would offer help. You have to put them first and try to forget about all the other junk. Everything I do these days is for my son....I want to make sure he is safe and happy no matter what is going on withme and his father.