This might be a long one, so brace yourself.

I learned that my wife was having an affair in October. It had been going on for a little over 2 months. After learning about it I read Surviving An Affair and was determined to make my marriage work. I did everything I could to convince her that we should give our relationship a real try and work on our emotional needs. She agreed that she would say goodbye to her affair in one final meeting.

The day they were supposed to meet I couldn't help but get involved and decided to send her affair an email asking him to never contact her again after that last meeting. She found out about the email, became furious and moved into the basement bedroom. The meeting never took place that night because he got nervous after getting my email. Finally 2 days later she called him and told him it was over. Still very angry with me she said she was not ready to start working on us. She has stayed in the other bedroom since then.

Being very upset with the whole situation I ended up going out after work a few days later, got really drunk, and got my second DWI in a year (I've never been in trouble with the law in my life prior to these offenses). To her this was the final straw. She told me she is not willing to work on us. She continues to sleep in the basement while she looks for a job so she can move out.

I've been sober since the DWI (27 days now). I've entered a treatment program and am working hard to overcome my alcohol problem. I am a very high functioning alcoholic, and have NEVER been abusive. I realize that my alcoholism has caused her pain though, and I am trying my best to change my ways that have wronged her in the past.

Her counselor told her she needs to get out of the house for awhile to sort things out. Since she can't afford to move out, I suggested that she go up to my parents cabin for a week for some personal reflection.

Unfortunately, I have been unable to keep my nose out of her computer. I was aware that she placed an ad on Match.com - and because I know her passwords I was able to read the email correspondence she had on the site. She told me about her profile and then said she was going to remove it because the site gave her the creeps. I've since learned that before she removed her profile that she made contact with a few of the guys she found most interesting. After she left for the cabin I found one of her emails was with a Match.com person who happens to live in the same city as the cabin.

Last night she returned from the cabin and told me that one of the things she figured out while she was there is that she can NOT follow the "rule of protection" with me. She said I can not count on her to support me through treatment and that I should not trust her right now. This seemed odd, but when I thought about it I suspected that she dated (maybe spent the night with) this guy near the lake home.

Today I sent her an email asking if she would be home for dinner tonight, and if so I would make a meal for the whole family. She replied that she would be going out at 4:30 and that she may spend the night at one of her girlfriends houses. I sent her a kind note back telling her to have a good time and that I will look after the kids and get them off to school in the morning (I've been doing this for the past week).

After she left tonight my suspicions got the best of me, and I went on her computer to find remnents of the emails she had been trading with this guy from the cabin (emails sent today). Apparently thay had been together last weekend and now he would be driving into the cities today to meet her. Since she told me she isn't coming home tonight I am confident she is spending the night with him.

Here is where I need some advice. She lied about going out with her friends tonight and about sleeping at one of their houses. She has told me she can not follow the rule of protection with me. She is not spending time taking care of the kids.

Should I keep quiet about what I know, even though she lied about what she would be doing tonight? If so, how should I react to her tomorrow? How can I let her continue to live under the same roof when she is unwilling to be honest? I have told the kids about my alcohol problem, yet she seems to think we should protect them from the fact that Mommy doesn't love or care about Daddy anymore.

I need help. I want more than anything to repair and rebuild our marriage, but I have no idea how I should react to her the next time I see her. Any advice is welcome. I just don't know what to do next.

Thanks!

crazy,

Well, I am certainly not one of the experts on the site. I would wait to hear them weigh in on the subject.

In the meantime, I would get ready to launch plan A. Read up on the site here. But basically, that includes continuing to collect evidence, and, when you are certain of what is going on and with whom, you:

Calmly tell her that you know. Present the evidence, and tell her that you are committed to the marriage, want her to end the affair, and want her to rebuild your marriage. But, again, wait to hear from the experts on this (how to do it, etc).

Expose the affair to the light of day. That means your parents, her parents/family, friends, church members/pastors (if you are members of a church family), the OM's wife/girlfriend, etc. Be prepared for her to be PISSSSSSSED off about this one. But, Harley recommends doing almost everything short of taking out a billboard.

Get started trying to identify her emotional needs, and meeting them the best you can.

That is a tall order, coupled with a tough fight against alcoholism.

Your best bet is to call Steve or Jennifer Harley and set up a telephone counseling appointment (or Penny Tuper from SYMC.com). They can hear more about your specific situation, and coach you on a solution that is just right for you.

I am sorry you are here. But you came the best place for friendship and support during this difficult time.

c4h-

Although I am not a very experienced MBer, I can tell you that you have come to a great place to receive advice and support for the situation that you are in. You will find that you are NOT alone.

Advicewise, I can only echo what SerendipiT has already posted. Read up on the MB website, come up with a Plan A and stick with it.

The people here have been nothing but helpful and insightful with my own situation. There are very knowledgeable people here that can do the same for you.

-DKelly

Ditto what they said!

The advice to contact Steve or Jennifer is great! I found it to be very helpful and would personally recommend it to anyone.

Also, the rule of protection...or ANY rule...is simply not going to be applicable here.

She is having an affair and is completely incapable, by the very nature of the life she is living, to protect.

She is unable to be truthful. Do not look for it. Do not expect it. EXPECT that what she says is not true and if it turns out to be true...BONUS FOR YOU.

That's my .02 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FIM

Thank you all for your comments, I sincerely appreciate your quick replys to my post. I guess my question is, do I tell her what I know? If I do, she will again accuse me of spying on her and not giving her any privacy in her life. I really do not want to make her angry, as I have already been there and learned that it does more damage than good. At the same time, shouldn't she know that I know what she is up to? Is it time for me to take our in-house separation to further steps? I've asked her in the past to leave until she can commit to working on our marriage, but she responds by saying I should leave because the woman should stay in the house and take care of the kids. I am fully capable of taking care of the children and she seems to have other priorities right now.....

I wouldn't ask her to leave. Your best weapon right now is Plan A.

Reread SAA. It took me two times to figure it out. Read as much as you can here on exposure, Plan A, reverse babble, "fogese", everything.

If she leaves, what can you do?

If it gets to that point though, NO, you shouldn't leave. She had the A. She can go.

Try to stay there together though. I'm going to bump Ark's Lighthouse thread. I suggested it and others to Chuck_5765. Check out that thread to for some great links.

Good luck to you! You have come to the right place.

Wait, wait.

She's having her 2nd affair in just a few months?

Yes, this is her second affair. However, she believes that since she admitted to me that she can not follow the Rule of Protection that she is free to date who ever she wants. After all, she feels that since the rings are off and we are living in different bedrooms she is as good as separated. And separated people are free to do what they want without interference from their spouse...I don't buy it, but this is the rational she is giving.

She seems to have a strong need to test her independence and expects me to leave her private business (email and cell phone records) to her. I feel since she admitted I shouldn't trust her that I should be free to look at her computer and cell records without feeling guily. Is this wrong?

She is still married. Her confessions are not a ticket to commit adultery.

As for your snooping or checking up, treat it as a stranger invading your home. In essence that is what is happening. You are within your right to check. Just becareful since the WS will not have the same logic as yourself.

L.